Feeling unfulfilled, where to go from here?

[ICS]

I have been living through unhappiness and a lack of fulfillment in my life for the last few years. Right out of school two years ago, I was extremely optimistic and looked forward to making the best out of what's to come next. For a long time, my life always felt dysfunctional after breaking it off with my ex-girlfriend of 5 years. However, I felt that was all about to change when I focused all my efforts to look for my dream career. It took a little time, but I did manage to find a fantastic job that I like, both great for myself and impressive when others learn of what I do. However, my love life has been nearly non-existent for the last 5 years. There were many many opportunities for me where the girl has expressed interest in a relationship, but every time some part of me held back (sometimes superficial reasons, and other times personality or logistic issues). Alot of those girls have now gone and gotten married. In a few rare cases, I liked the girl enough that I initiated my desire for a relationship, but they always backfired on me despite reciprocating and showing me partial interest. I wanted to break that cycle and even gave the girls I usually shun away a try. Last week, I decided to go on a date with a girl that I marginally liked, but the experience was terrible; it seemed that she was only interested in me pampering her and ordering food from half the menu even though she could not remotely finish everything.

 

Now, I am a generally happy person and rather optimistic, but something about my life just does not feel very fulfilling. My career is good, I have enough money to buy the things that I enjoy, and I have few (but good) friends in my life. I want to say that the absence of a relationship has made me somewhat desensitized to the world, to emotions, and to getting myself too involved with other people. I want to say that I miss having a girlfriend, but I cannot be sure that it is the root of my problems of unhappiness and of the unsettling feeling that I get every day.

 

My life consists of a very scheduled and routine work week, and coming home right after work and spending my evenings pondering life or reading on the computer. Now, I have a few ideas of things I should do to broaden my social circle, my experiences, and my happiness, but I lack the motivation, and probably the energy too. Yesterday, I met up with my ex after two years, and we chatted and caught up with each other's lives. There was absolutely nothing wrong with our conversation. We did not argue, hate each other, or wanted to call it a night. However, my emotional state deep inside me ran wild. While I wasn't necessarily unhappy, when we parted ways in the evening, I didn't leave a happier person, but I did miss her. I do not believe that she is the perfect girl for me, but she did shape my life in many ways that has made me miss her.

 

Perhaps I fear the the world after my first and only relationship. Perhaps some part of me still longs for the past and for my ex-girlfriend, but I really cannot say. I feel physically exhausted and emotionally drained quite often, and I wish I had the easy answers, but I don't, and I hope someone out there can guide me along.

[Fmrbrknhrt22]

I really can relate to your post ICS. I couldn't wait to graduate college and get my first real job. I felt like I was made for the adult world and was going to be fine. I got a great job and love what I do, but I ended things with my girl almost a year ago today after about 10 months of dating. I miss the moments we had and the connections we had, but like you I came to realize she wasnt the love of my life.

 

I have been numerous dates with women during that time, have had a few that almost became relationships, but they never materialized. The opposite sex is draining sometimes and you just have to know when to step back and give it a rest sometimes.

 

My best advice would be to find something that can ground you. It's great you have a job, but you need something else that is your foundation. Whether that be faith/exploring your spiritual self, a weekly activity group, a routine you decide to do everyday to better yourself. Also cook for yourself more, try and exercise everyday, and sleep well. Those things will make you feel healthier and give you more energy.

 

I also try to challenge myself to go out and meet one new person every week. Get a buddy to go out with you and strike up a conversation with some strangers at a venue or some kind of event. Add them on facebook or invite them out for coffee, find something you have in common, and then build on that. It's okay to catch up with an ex every now and then, but they are really a thing of the past and like you admitted, they don't make you feel any better or rejuvenated after seeing them. Keep moving forward and find little ways to improve as a person each day.

[ICS]

Thank you. It feels great knowing that I am not alone in this, and that there is a way out.

 

You brought some really good ideas, all of which I fully realize, but have not had the motivation to do. Not sure if you felt the same, but ever since breaking up with the ex, I became more afraid to try new things, to take that first step. I became always afraid of wasting my time on the futile. I guess you could say that I began to really lock myself into the safe haven that is my own reality, introducing as little unpredictability and risk in it as possible.

 

I have also become much more self conscious. It has become difficult to feel good about myself as I am starting to lose hair, and every trip to my hair stylist becomes an agonizing one as there is only one de facto haircut that does not make me look bald. It's painful and I have lost alot of self confidence through the ordeal. Like you suggested, I actually did have a friend that I went out with every now and then, and we would have a great time chatting up random strangers, guys and girls alike. The feeling was great and absolutely liberating. Some dates materialized from these interactions, but nothing more. I enjoyed those interactions alot, and I do crave human interactions, but my dwindling self image and self confidence, combined with my lack of success in finding someone that I really like has put an end to that. I miss the feeling of being alive everyday, and very dearly so.

[Fmrbrknhrt22]

ICS, have you sought the services of a counselor/therapist? I think it might be of benefit to you. Talking to someone can help put things in perspective. Sometimes, all you need is just a kick in the butt. As for finding someone you really like, you and I can share a boat together. It hasn't happened for me yet and I can't predict the future. Worry about you first. You will realize when you've grounded yourself and found good people to associate yourself with, you don't need a woman to make you happy. Women will then start to notice that inner happiness in you and gravitate towards you.