I can't stop thinking about another guy. What does it mean?

[Kristie16]

My boyfriend and I have been together almost three years. For the first year and a half we lived in the same city and then I moved away for a job while he stayed to finish school and try to get more financially stable. I'm 27 and he's 25.

The long distance is tough but doable. We make it work.

Last week, my brother got married in Mexico. My brother, who is 30, and I are not close at all and he had little to do with me during the weeklong festivities. Because of a very generous family member, my boyfriend was able to make the trek to Mexico, which was great. It was very last minute.

On one evening, after all of us consumed a lot of alcohol, I found myself dancing with one of my brother's friend. I know many of his friends from high school but did not know this friend before the trip. We didn't dance touching each other or anything, just dancing. My boyfriend had gone to sleep at this point.

The club then closed down and me, the guy and another girl were walking around the resort keeping the party started. At one point he recommended we all go back to his room. With the other girl there (who is married), I thought that was fine. But once we got there, it was just the two us. (I know, this was a BIG MISTAKE and I regret going into the room with him).

Nothing happened. We sat on the balcony and I ended up just crying about how my brother wants nothing to do with me. At one point, the guy made some comment about being attracted to me, and that's when I woke up and realized the awful position I was in. I said I had to leave and ran to my room and told my boyfriend what happened. He wasn't happy but appreciated nothing more happened.

 

The guy later added me on Facebook, which I accepted. I'm friends with a few of my brother's friends on FB. For the first few days he just liked a photo or two, but then he sent me a private message that said it was nice to meet me and it sucked I have a boyfriend.

 

I really thought we could just be friends, but I am attracted to him and knew that that was a conversation I didn't want to go down, so I defriended him and just wrote him a note explaining why we couldn't be friends. He wrote back saying he understood, though he didn't see what was wrong with what he said. He said my boyfriend seems like a good guy and he's not trying to steal my away.

I said thanks for understanding and we haven't talked since.

 

I can't stop thinking about him, though. I'm not sure why. Other guys have hit on me but it hasn't had the same effect as this guy, but I also don't know him at all. In fact, if he's like my brother, I don't really think I'd get along with him. My boyfriend has some financial issues but otherwise he is great to me.

 

I just don't know how to get this other guy out of my mind. will it just take time? Part of me thinks it's partly because my brother never wants to have anything to do with me and now one of his friends is hitting on me. It's a pretty powerful feeling, but know I need to get over him so I don't do anything I would regret later.

 

Any help/input/thoughts/ would be greatly appreciated!

[Darren Steez]

Unfriend him

 

So this guy thinks you boyfriend is a great guy but proceeds to tell you he likes you does he? I could go all psychoanalytical how this guy could be a surrogate for your brother but I wont.

 

Unfriend him because it already seems you're looking for a way out "my boyfriend is great but he has financial issues..."

[loversquarrel]

From a guys perspective - all of the above - and prepare yourself to get used and lose your BF in the process. I see it coming from a mile away...I wonder why?

[TaraMaiden]

Wait a minute, wait a minute wait a minute....!! There's a glaring error here.... hang on, let me see if I can find it.... hold on..... wait a second... It's here some where, I'm sure I just saw - AH!! Here it is!!

 

 

 

 

This bit, right here:

 

The guy later added me on Facebook, which I accepted.

 

 

 

I knew I'd seen it.

 

The big, BIG BIG mistake - is responding.

 

Always.

 

 

Every.

 

Single.

 

Phukking.

 

Time.

 

:mad:

[loversquarrel]

Yes, and my fondness for FB keeps growing.

[Kristie16]

Thanks for the responses, guys. Yes, I know I shouldn't have accepted his request.

 

As soon as he sent me that message talking about how "it sucked I have a boyfriend" I immediately deleted him and just sent a quick note saying why.

 

We haven't talked since, and I don't plan on talking to him. There is no reason to unless I do want to ruin things with my guys.

 

But cutting him out has been a lot harder than I thought it would be, which is what surprises me and makes me nervous.

[Kristie16]

ruin things with my guy* (no plural! promise it wasn't a Freudian slip!)

[silicone]

Next step: tell your boyfriend.

[Kristie16]

I did. He knew about me going to his room and about the guy friending me and writing that it "sucks I have a boyfriend." Immediately after that I unfriended him and told my boyfriend about all of it. I just haven't told him that I still think about this other guy.

[candie13]

the issue is you felt attracted to another man. If your relationship is going well, this isn't supposed to happen. He was even at the wedding...

 

do some soul searching and if you want to do some more exploration, maybe you should admit that and get out of your relationship.

 

from my own experience, I can say that what you feel for the new comer isn't love, it's lust. girls shouldn't lust over other men... unless they're with the wrong ones.

 

you're way too young to settle. if a LDR isn't actually working for you, just admit it, and move on.

 

cheers

 

P.S. the new guy really is bad news, who hits on a girl who is at a wedding with her bf? adds her on fb... keeps writing messages... I see trouble

[nofool4u]

I did. He knew about me going to his room and about the guy friending me and writing that it "sucks I have a boyfriend."

 

That says it all right there.

 

You need to be single until you are ready for commitment.

[Kristie16]

That says it all right there.

 

You need to be single until you are ready for commitment.

 

I didn't write it sucks I have a boyfriend. It's great I have a boyfriend.

That's what the guy wrote to me. I've been committed to him for three years.

[Sav]

Three years. It's a long time. You just don't feel the initial rush of affection that you will feel with every start of the relationship. If you break up with your bf for this guy, 3 years later you will still have this problem.

 

Spice up your relationship with your current boyfriend, make things happen. Do not fall into a routine and treat this as a new relationship. Of course your bf has to work on the r/s too.

 

What you have is what alot of people would kill to have. Unless you have totally zero feelings for your bf, I suggest working it out through the r/s to get that spark back

[nofool4u]

I didn't write it sucks I have a boyfriend. It's great I have a boyfriend.

That's what the guy wrote to me. I've been committed to him for three years.

 

Ah, yes, I misunderstood.

 

But my comment still stands. You need to stay away from commitment until you can handle it and not disrespect the significant other in said commitment.

[LostInThought_1]

I felt the EXACT same way as you - except I took it further and decided to keep texting this guy and ended up developing a really strong attraction for him, and found myself thinking about him way more than my boyfriend at the time. This is the final straw that got me to end thngs with my boyfriend, because I realized that if you are truly happy in a relationship, you wouldn't be feeling that way about another person.

 

It has been almost a year and I am still having a really hard time with my break up, because I am lonely and I still see him every wee k(we go to the same college) , and he treated me perfectly. but we were not right for eachother. He will never take me back, and I am feeling sort of 'dumper's regret', but i know in the long run the decision i made was for the best..

[eduardo23]

Three years. It's a long time. You just don't feel the initial rush of affection that you will feel with every start of the relationship. If you break up with your bf for this guy, 3 years later you will still have this problem.

 

Spice up your relationship with your current boyfriend, make things happen. Do not fall into a routine and treat this as a new relationship. Of course your bf has to work on the r/s too.

 

What you have is what alot of people would kill to have. Unless you have totally zero feelings for your bf, I suggest working it out through the r/s to get that spark back

 

I agree with this. You could be feeling this way because you are in a LDR and missing some parts of a regular relationship. How long will you two be away from each other? Do you feel the relationship has "lost its spark"? I think you should do some deep long thought out evaluation of what you want now and in the future and if your bf and you could work together to provide that for yourself. It takes effort. Or find out that this relationship does have *significant* flaws that you should call it off.

 

From what you said I think you two just need to work on some things/move to the same city again xD.

[Kristie16]

We have about another year of long distance, unless I take another job closer, which has been creeping into my mind lately. I do think if we were in the same city it would definitely help.

 

But then sometimes I do think that my bf and I just aren't meant to be, but the thing is, I'm also going through some really bad family stuff at the moment (actually started going to counseling to deal with it), and my bf has been great and I worry that breaking up with him would just push me over the edge because I'd feel so alone in every aspect of my life. I know that's not exactly the best reason to stay in a relationship, but I do think he's helping me get over this other destructive thing in my life.

[nofool4u]

We have about another year of long distance, unless I take another job closer, which has been creeping into my mind lately. I do think if we were in the same city it would definitely help.

 

But then sometimes I do think that my bf and I just aren't meant to be, but the thing is, I'm also going through some really bad family stuff at the moment (actually started going to counseling to deal with it), and my bf has been great and I worry that breaking up with him would just push me over the edge because I'd feel so alone in every aspect of my life. I know that's not exactly the best reason to stay in a relationship, but I do think he's helping me get over this other destructive thing in my life.

 

So basically you are staying with him, knowing you aren't meant to be, for YOUR wants and needs. And when you are done with him and he has helped you past your bad time, you're going to throw him to the side.

 

How about not wasting any more of his time and set him free?

[gtoman4728]

I think that your boyfriend is probably not exactly the right one for you. The fact that some guy came on to you at a wedding and you went to a room with him and friended him on facebook kind of says it all. The fact that the guy came on to you at the wedding and then keeps trying to get to know you better is not all that surprising. I mean you are pretty young and you are not married and your boyfriend lives pretty far away and well, you are probably quite attractive. I did not think it was shameful really, pretty typical behavior. Possibly the guy really really liked you and was just a little clumsy in the way he handled himself. Take it as a compliment and if your assessment of his character is positive, friend him again.

 

I would suggest that you as far as your boyfriend goes, you both agree to date others and see how you feel in six months. You are young, don't waste time waiting and thinking and tormenting yourself.

[Darren Steez]

We have about another year of long distance, unless I take another job closer, which has been creeping into my mind lately. I do think if we were in the same city it would definitely help.

 

But then sometimes I do think that my bf and I just aren't meant to be, but the thing is, I'm also going through some really bad family stuff at the moment (actually started going to counseling to deal with it), and my bf has been great and I worry that breaking up with him would just push me over the edge because I'd feel so alone in every aspect of my life. I know that's not exactly the best reason to stay in a relationship, but I do think he's helping me get over this other destructive thing in my life.

 

So you cheated on him, now you're staying with him because he's being a doting boyfriend and helping you through your situation.

 

It's a wonder that you get men hysterical wondering where the hell they did wrong when they thought they were being supportive and trying to be the best boyfriend in the world, when their women finally go physical on them.

 

LEAVE HIM NOW.

 

You are going to leave him anyway...you're already extricating yourself slowly from this relationship anyway. You're still thinking about this other guy and you don't think you and your boyfriend are meant to be.

 

Tell him so he can go and live his life before you hurt the poor boy.