Is there hope or am I kidding myself?

[jackson230]

There is a mismatch in our marriage that just doesn’t seem to be closing up despite very effort under the sun. I get the feeling that it probably doesn’t want to be closed up, but not on my part.

 

I was devastated following the breakup of my last relationship 10 years ago and this woman, quite a bit younger, really pushed hard to be part of my life during the breakup. I wasn’t attracted to her but she pushed so hard that I felt so bad resisting and I eventually came round to the concept of marriage. (DUH). I think we were both desperate - I was on the rebound and she (I think) thought that she well and truly deserved what she was out for... though she came across as a pretty naive in life (she was 32).

 

Though she had never had what she would qualify as a fulfilling or good sexual relationship before, she learnt how to relax and eventually have orgasms through intercourse. The sex was ok and there seemed to be no shortage of it until shortly before the marriage, when it suddenly any “passion” seemed to disappear. Now I’m a guy who loves to stroke and touch and be passionate and take time and make my gal really happy. I love intimacy and really enjoy communicating openly and honestly too. I’m creative, love fun and contact and recognise that I have a strong feminine side too, though I’m def a bloke that’s into women.

 

Slowly, by wanting this relationship to work so much, I came round and found her growing on me and then fancying her more and more. (Yeah I sound like a right dickhead but I really try and help people and go the extra mile - its my downfall). We’ve worked through all this stuff in counselling (we both wanted it) but at the end of the day despite me being there, wanting, loving and deeply caring for her, there doesn’t seem to be much change and if anything she is even stronger now about keeping her distance. We do have sex (rather than make love) but mostly on her terms and its over so quick – kind of getting rid of her sexual urges. Now she has been going through “womens groups” and has found even greater reasons to keep a distance.

 

Its not just the lack of intimacy but the incredible negativity to life and everything in it. Its as though this is a chosen safety net for her, a safe prison, safer than having to risk entering adulthood and real life. But its completely the opposite for me. I’m a positive, active guy and the negativity, lack of trust and inability to hold a worthwhile conversation kills me. She has no friends and complains that she has no friends, but doesn’t do anything to keep friends. She has a great job but invests such little in it. Her primary focus is on making sure she has enough to eat, and loosing weight at the same time. And getting me to tell her constantly that I love her.

 

I have never been unfaithful, I’m certainly not boring (believe me!) and got a huge amount to offer (house, security, no attachments), but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life dying inside when I could be living with an open heart with a partner who wants me, rather than just one who has chosen me for security.

 

I get the message that she is just not into me that way. It’s a really tough message and I cant help but feel cheated. We’ve done so many “open and honest” genuine quality listening talks but truthfully, it doesn’t make much difference. We've even done a Tantric Sex course - great fun but no resulting connection. She just doesnt want to turn me on even though she really enjoys having a good orgasm and the connection it brings afterwards.

 

I really don't want to leave this relationship. I've been through divorce once before and its a nightmare and this relationship does have other strengths that make it worthwhile (thankfully no children cos she definitely doesn't want any and I'm "done").

 

Girls especially – please give me your thoughts and interpretation.

[ja123]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're not getting your needs met.

 

I think a lot of women would love to have a man like you!

 

The only thing I could suggest is heading back to couselling, but as the saying goes "You can lead a horse to water ..."