In a weird place...

[Bluetone]

Hi there,

 

I'm not entirely sure if this is the correct forum for this, but I do have feelings for this friend, so thought appropriate.

 

This may be just a case of venting, but any help understanding this would be really appreciated.

 

I met this girl a few weeks ago on a night out, got on well with her, kept in constant contact through emails. Saw her a couple more times on nights out, over that time I'd become quite attracted to her, we had lots of things in common.

 

Last week I found out she had started dating another guy, which was obviously disappointing, but I can't complain if someone else makes a move first, that's life.

 

But I feel like I've ended up in a bit of a weird place with her. The same day she sent me a message saying she dated this guy, she invited me out, it was meant to be with another one of her friends, but she dropped out. So, the evening came to an end and she invited me back to hers, on the way she started asking my opinion on this guy she was dating as she had reservations about him and started listing the cons. I did my best just to avoid engaging in that particular topic. Anyway, we stayed up till about 3am chatting, drinking and watching films, I slept on the sofa and we had breakfast the next morning and went home, which was all cool, it was a great evening/night. I hope I don't offend anyone here, it's not my intention to do so, I just don't know another way of putting it, but, I came away with the distinct feeling that I was like her gay best friend.

 

A couple of days later, I got invited for a night out with her and her friends, including her new boyfriend. Before I arrived I got a cryptic message from her about someone else being with us on our previous night out. I didn't entirely understand until I got to the bar, I was dragged to one side and told that I had to make out as if we hadn't been out alone together and that one of her friends was also with us. I was "introduced" to this friend, who was also in on the lie, and, in front of the boyfriend, we both had to act as though we knew each other. I presumably looked confused and pissed off because I was quickly despatched with two of her friends to the dance floor away from her boyfriend.

 

So, I let it sink in for 10 minutes, but I really didn't want to get involved in that. I'd previously been in a relationship years ago, where I was in my friends position and, stupidly, felt the need to lie to my significant other about my friends because of jealousy. I know from experience it's a slippery slope and ended in me losing contact with a lot of my friends.

 

So, I quickly left, as I felt uncomfortable, I had other friends to meet up with, so it wasn't like I was running away into the night!

 

I sent this girl a message explaining that I had a problem with it and that I thought she was great, but she needed to be able to be herself and not lie to make something work.

 

I wasn't expecting to hear back from her to be honest, but I got a reply and I have to say, it's riled me even more. It basically said that her boyfriend and friends thought I was amazing, which came across to me as quite insincere as I only met them for all of 5 minutes. She then went on to say, and I'm going to quote this, "I'll need you to be my respite from all the football, cricket and rugby as I've picked a guy who's sports crazy".

 

I'm not entirely sure if I have any right to be, but I feel annoyed, disappointed, fairly patronised and, given that I also have feelings for my friend, in a weird place...

[TaraMaiden]

Oh dear....

 

You really don't get it, do you?

 

She has no feelings for you, and seems utterly clueless.

 

You're so friend-zoned there's no daylight......

 

She doesn't see you as an object of her affections at all. You're just a friend who happens to be a guy.

You're not in a 'weird place'.

 

You're so far off left to the batting field, when the ball drops, you'll still be too far out to catch it.

[Bluetone]

Yes I do get it, I understand that.

 

When I say weird place, I mean more my feelings and sometimes it just helps to write things down and put it out there.

[TaraMaiden]

Well, I guess then, you have a choice:

 

Continue as things are, and know that this is never going to get anywhere;

 

or

Stop seeing her and relelgate her to the "to be indifferent to" file.

 

Keep away form here completely, until you have no feelings for her burt benign indifference.

 

I'm hoping you'll choose the latter, because look at how superficial and dishonest with people's feelings she is.

She's prepared to ask you to lie for her, and create a false image/scenario.

 

Do you really want that kind of girl on your arm?

She does it with you, she'll do it to you.....

[Bluetone]

Thanks Tara,

 

I was chatting to a friend who was in a similar situation many years ago and he recommended the stop seeing her approach as well.

 

I appreciate your candor Tara, it's good having someone talk straight to you rather than consoling!

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks Tara,

 

I was chatting to a friend who was in a similar situation many years ago and he recommended the stop seeing her approach as well.

 

I appreciate your candor Tara, it's good having someone talk straight to you rather than consoling!

 

Yeah.

I am Mrs. Big-Mouth round here.

Most recent title was "The Queen of Mean - but in a good way."

 

 

[Bluetone]

The queen of mean, I like that!

 

After a recommendation of said friend, I went one step further, explained how I felt in a very brief message and put a lid on it. I don't expect a reply, and maybe it wasn't the right thing to do overall and a bit selfish on my part as she may not have appreciated it. But, I found it helped me and I now have nothing to regret.