kodiak Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Hey everybody- i wish someone was on right now because im having a tough night and I dont know why. Maybe its just a setback or a minor relapse of mising my ex. I used to wish that I could get back with her. Now i just wish that I could go a day without thinking about her. I broke down today and sent my ex a text message. I havnt spoken to her in about a month. She called me a month ago and we talked for like a hour and it was great. She had a minor surgery about three weeks ago and i sent her that card and i never heard a thank you. That really hurt. Sure she might have moved on and maybe doesnt love me anymore, but we still ended things on the best terms possible. So it hurt that she didnt even say thanks. I guess i shouldnt expect it because she is my EX. I dont know anymore. Maybe she wasnt the girl I fell inlove with and though was my soulmate. Maybe she wasnt the girl i thought she was. Anyways my text was a simple hello and seeing how she was. I got no reply. So i feel kinda crappy right now and cant sleep. Hope everyone else is doing better. Take Care...Kodiak Link to post Share on other sites
Author djones Posted October 19, 2004 Author Share Posted October 19, 2004 Hey Kodiak, I am sorry I was not on when you were, I was up at 4;00 am here and I saw your post but you were gone, so I figure I would write to you later....I have to runn a few errands now...I will be back onlater and will write to you...Just hang in there I know this s***s sucks but you are doing well I am feeling better and I know you will too....take care Link to post Share on other sites
Author djones Posted October 19, 2004 Author Share Posted October 19, 2004 HEy Kodiak, What did you say in the Text message?....I dotn know why she is not answering your messages.....maybe she is not feeling better since the surgery or that she wants you to move on, or that she is triing to get her life in order, like you said that she feels that she has not gotten her life in order...Some people dont want to burden others while they are doing this, she may feel like she does not want you to feel pity for her or help her she may just want to do this on her own....Or that she has moved on....there are somany possiblities out there....I think the best thing is for you not to wonder why otherwise it will drive you crazy...believe me I was doing that for a while and I just started going crazy thinking that my ex is gone on with her life with this guy, she does not care for me anymore ect....you cant do this to yourself, if your heart feels for her I know most say just do the NC thing you could call her and just find out where you stand and get some closure...I dont know what the others think ie atlous wantans4, nick14, wierd et al.... I know its killing you inside, I am doing better, I dont know whats going to happen with me and my ex, but now I dont expect her to call, if she does, she does, but now I just dont care anymore and I still miss her,, but I have to move one with my life...you have to do the same...we are not good in this state for our ex's or for someone else....You have to think about you now not her...I understand that now and I tell you that I feel better...I am no life of the party but I am getting back to my self slowly....I have started to get back my appeitite, I dont just eat just to keep me going now I am eating more...which is nice...I lost a lot of weight from this and I was a skinny guy from the begining so this is a good start for me....Kodiak I know this s*** is hard I am going through it like you and we both can get through this man....you have helped me a lot and I know you can get through this as well.... Maybe you do need to talk to her...I dont know...tell her how you feel and what ever happens you can get mybe clousre that you need or she feels for you as well and time is not right yet for you guys....time is a pain in the a$$.... I found that keeping busy did help me not think about her as much....maybe do more overtime or just keep busy with something.....if you need to chat just let me know, I am here and so are the rest of the guys..... take care Link to post Share on other sites
Nick14 Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 I only don't know what to say kodiak. She probably still wants to be on her own and is not ready to communicate yet or she is just moving on. I agree with dr.J, that for right now, I don't even feel like contacting my ex, it just feels worthless now and its mentally agonizing. You know what, I wish I never even contact her or bugged last month about trying to convince her or in her own words "force" the issue, obviously I am kicking myself because its scaring her and I am just pushing her away, yes I regret it and should of just walked away. I'll be the first to admit, its hard trying to think straight when you get extremely emotional(in a womans word "freaking out") and then you start bugging and tryin to convince the other person and letting that person know about my feeling and how much I love them and want to be with them still. Trust me, its no fun and then I realize it a month and 3 weeks later and look back and go "man i feel like such a ass for even bugging her, once is a enough and now look what happen, I pushed her away and she's probably resenting me more now". I dunno boys, theres two sides to the coin here. 1. You get really emotional and your in a state of shock and you can't control your deceisions and its driving you crazy and your thinking "why why why" and then you try to challenge them and try to convince them, where realistically all you are doing is pushing them away more. 2. Obviously I am paying the price for it now, maybe if I walked away, just maybe, she probably get in touch with me again sooner instead of possibly later. Does she care now? Oh hell no, not right now, maybe later or maybe never. But its day 13 of NC and I just don't feel like contacting her anymore. I keep remembering, she's the one that walked out on me and a great relationship of 2.5 years, so why should I keep contacting? She needs to contact me whenever, but she won't realize it till I stop and by far 13 days is the longest I gone w/out contacting her. Yes, its very worthless doing with me even trying now. I'll give you 2 reasons why I don't even want too. 1.My feelings for her are slowly fading away, and thats probably because, her best friend open her mouth and talked shyt, which I will add was pretty lame since she has never been in a long term relationship herself and has never been dumped. Plus, why should her best friend even talk for her. MJ is right, my ex should of had the balls to say it instead. Why didn't my ex not say it instead? I really don't know, so something is up and it smells funky. 2.Even though my feelings are slowly fading away, it doesn't necessarily mean I don't care about her or dont love her anymore, I guess I am going thru a "I don't care phase" right now with just her, but not completely shutting the door on her. She should consider herself very lucky, thats she's the only ex out of the 3 I had in the past, where I would leave that door open for her and give her clearance, thats her choice and evne though I said it alot too her while I bugged her, she better take what i say pretty wisely. So, Kodiak bro, just don't call, text, email, or IM, erase it all man and move on. I did it and came to a realization that, I need to stop and that she knows where I am, I am not hard to find. You need to think the same way too man, just be lucky you don't live in a College party town like me, its extremely hard to find good women, thats why I was lucky to find my ex, just too bad she's not the same person who I was around a few months ago, so whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 When I broke up with my ex in early 2003 I pressed and all that. Later down the line I looked back and regretted doing it not because I thought it was the wrong thing to do but because I chumped myself. If another human being you shared years with of good times with won't give you the time of day or tells you to fug off simply because you are showing that they are important to you then well, they can kiss your ass. Link to post Share on other sites
Nick14 Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Yep I agree wierd. Guess I'll see 3 months down the line if she still doesn't care. I am hoping Santa brings me a Woman this year . But seriously, has any of you guys, besides me and Wierd, press your ex right after the break up and up too a month and then realize how much of a ass you were later? Now, I dunno if any of you have pressed them and then leave them alone for a while and then they come back. Guess the odds are against me for right now, but I just picked up a new motto, (ahem picked it up from the boston Red Sox) "Keep the faith, even if the odds are against you". Yes, i still have that inside me deep down somewhere in me that she well at least call and start over again, no matter how much I deny myself, maybe because it was 2.5 long lasting years, who knows really. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 I pressed my ex for a bit, then we had a big fight and stopped talking for clsoe to 1.5 years....then we got back into touch and she apologized to me for how she treated me early last year. Yep, she realized she acted like a bitch and I think she also realized how good it was that I pressed because it showed I cared. She also admitted to thinking about me a lot during the time we didn't communicate so all is not lost for you if you do wish to open up communication with her down the line. Now my ex and I arent back together but I could see it happening in the future. I am almost positive she still has feelings and I still have feelings. Right now though, us getting back together wouldn't work because she needs to understand how to deal with a long term relationship and realize that rough spots will happen and she has to learn to deal with them rather than run away...no way would I get back with a person that I don't have confidence in at this time but, I do believe she will eventually mature emotionally and will be able to "see the big picture" of relationships and life. Link to post Share on other sites
Nick14 Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Yep for sure, we had rough spots too and there were times I made excuses and lied about minor things. At first, we would get over it and all is good, then we go into another rough spot months later about something else and she would just bring up what happen a few months prior. So ya, she needs to learn how to mature and get over the rough spots, instead of thinking its something major (where I think its minor) she needs to realize its actually a minor thing and its fixable with either me improving and she supports me and or she needs to improve and I would support her with any questions she needs to ask. She also needs to stop being a dreamer and think that everything is going to be perfect, it takes alot of work in a relationship. Hell i was willing to make the effort when I started growing up in July and I showed that in August. Remember, when a girl says "I wanted everything to be back to where they were within a week or two", if a girl says that, then she needs to grow up and start learning that it takes much longer then that, but it takes a helluva lot of work. I think what bugs me the most is when she said, she can't see me being with me in a married type. God, I really hope she just said that out of her ass instead of out of her heart, because I remember in mid-august we were flirting with the idea and how nice it would be, she agreed. Anyway, anyone else press your ex when you got dumped? Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Ah...she is one of those people that holds stuff in and says they let things go but don't. Love it. My ex is like that. She kept so much crap in that was bugging her and when she finally told me the stuff she just basically gave up on things being worked on and bettered. It pissed me off. Sure, during the relationship we would have some talks where she would just start comaplining to me about anything she coudl reach for but then she woudl APOLOGIZE for it an hour later and say the stress of school and other stuff was getting to her. All this pissed me off because it was like I had to be a damn mind reader to see what was up. Very immature handling on her part. I wasn't the ideal guy in handling stuff (was immature when i look back) but I at least shared things on my mind and tried to smooth things over when need be. Like your situation, she seemed ot look at some things that were minor as being major. Hell, to this day she acts like we had tons of fights when we had MAYBE 2 real fights in our 2 year relationship. She will take any discussion of differing opinions and act like it is a fight...we had a convo a couple weeks ago and she took it to be a fight when it was jsut me merely stating out some obvious things and her not seeing it the same way. No insults or harsh words or raised tones were used yet somehow a disagreement is a fight. WTF.... Dude, I am so in agreement with what you said and it describes my ex/the relationship almost perfectly. The beauty with my ex was that when she finally expressed things about me she needed change to have us stay together and other concerns I made the effort to change and kept tyring to show her but she would give me the cold shoudler. She would run away from seeing that maybe, just maybe I could do the things she really needed me to do. She is doing that now in a way with sayin she wants us to hang as friends and me saying "ok" and her now backing away and making up some lame excuse when she is doing it simply because if she sees I have changed for the better then she won't have anything to hold onto in seeing me as someone she couldn't be with. I just don't get it... Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 To be honest I am too lazy to read through the entire thread, but can someone tell me why does it have so many posts??? Can someone sum it up for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Nick14 Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 You just gotta keep the faith Wierd, just be stronger then her. Hell all the changes you made on good things with her or she requested, don't stop, keep doing them, the next person who pops up in your life is going to be happy that you will be doing great things for that person. Link to post Share on other sites
head/heels Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 but Weird and Nick must have been dating the same girl!!!!!!!! My ex is just like yours....a bottler, thought it should be perfect, said i wasnt the one for her (couldnt see herself marrried to me - i was going to propose to her on sept 30 of last month)....she basically just grew tired of us and instead of being mature and telling me about it....she acted totally happy and needy until the day before i left to become a doctor for the betterment of BOTH of our lives.... She let me down big and i did push her NICK for about 2 weeks but more about me giving her time and space and trying to find out why and not lets go back together now....well fast forward 4 more weeks and i find out that there is a guy calling her "baby" and she is seeing him... she did not cheat on me but she admited leaving our "stale" relationship to see what he was about... Go Figure... i am healing/ almost healed and having fun out with my friends and just tonite i cooked pan seared tuna with soy,ginger,cilantro, garlic and avocado sauce for a girl i met on thursday (see thread 38 or 39) who i hadnt seen since i was 14 or 15 (i am 24). This is even though she worked at 3 of me and my ex's favorite restaurants in Bloomington!!!! And i never saw her or noticed her.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author djones Posted October 20, 2004 Author Share Posted October 20, 2004 Hey Guys, Heads/heels--- hey man let us know what happens with this new girl...its kind of nice to hear someone is trying the "dating water"...it seems kind of serindipity like considering she worked at 3 restaurants you have been at!!....Good luck with it man Hey Nick14-- you asked if anyone else pressed their ex further...I have not done that with my current ex....back in my univeristy days I did to one girl I dated, when we broke up I pleaded with her to come back, it did not wokr it just made things worse...since then I dont plead, its seems like when they break up with thier mind is set and nomatter what you do will not bring them back in that inital time period... As for me I dotn know what is happening to me but I am feeling a lot better, I dont think of her much, and I still miss her but I still keep on keeping myself busy....I guess thats what is helping me....I dont want to date yet, I still need time for that, but I am ok now being alone....maybe later one I iwll be ready like Head/heels.... Hey Kodiak and WanstanS4 how are you guys doing? I have not heard from you guys...take care......hey also atlous and lexib how are you girls doing? Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Originally posted by head/heels but Weird and Nick must have been dating the same girl!!!!!!!! hahaha, and there is another guy on the forums whose ex seems to be my exes little sister as she appears to be just like my ex. I will say it is cool to see that other dudes have exes like mine. Nice to know my ex isn't all that rare in her immature handling of a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author djones Posted October 20, 2004 Author Share Posted October 20, 2004 Weird, I am wondering if its just a coincindence or if when things get intence in a relationship people just "wig out" and revert to a child like state...its like an escape button programed in people's minds.....I have noticed that in several posts here, it seems like for some people they get afraid when a relationship is getting real good....I dont understand this, isnt why people want to be with someone, to get to that level in a relationship?......it boggles the mind.... Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 I think for sure people get wiggy and in their minds they just start to like "battle" themselves and make things worse than they are. I think humans as a whole want happiness but there is a part of them that somehow seeks out stress and failure and other negative things and just think things in their life can't be good and are bound to fail so they start to freak out. Link to post Share on other sites
LexiB Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 (sigh) Im doing much better from yesterday. Yesterday I woke up in such a pissy mood. Next thing I knew I was crying my eyes out in anger, frustration, sadness, bitterness, etc--right before I had to leave to go to an 8:00 am class (nice, morning, huh). I dont know, this is so crazy. I thought I was doing fine for so long...My ex and I arent at odds with each other but still...every now and then I just get so angry that he just gave up on us without even trying. Even though were trying to be friends its weird b/c I feel like Im walking on eggshells most of the time we talk cause I dont wanna mess up any POSSIBILITIES of what MIGHT happen in the future...other times IO just say to hell with it and the cycle just goes on and on... It doesnt seem fair. He was the one who pushed for the relationship. I resisted 1. bc I honestly wasnt that attracted to him at first and 2. bc I didnt wanna mess up our friendship. It took a while for me to allow myself to start having deeper feelings for him and even that after he swore to me that he "never felt this way b4" yadda yadda. But of course when the actual relationship part of us being together comes in to play--you know, when things arent "rainbows and butterfilies" every day (luv maroon 5!) and you have to start compromising a little for each other--thats when he cant handle it. Thats when he needs "space" and "time" and all this other crap. Well great., while hes finding himself, where does that leave me? Licking my friggn wounds from this whole mess. It sucks and it really doesnt eem fair. Why should he be allowed any chance to improve himself while Im still having post breakup depression relapses 4 months after the fact?? I know I probably dont make sense right now, but I had to vent a little. Like I said b4, we are workn on bein friends and hes apologized for all this and I have forgiven hm but it still makes me mad that I had to be put in this situation at all. Things are finally picking up but my life has basically been at a stand-still since june. And for what? Because despite how much I asked him before we started dating, hes just now admitted to himself that he isnt emotionally ready for a real relationship. oh well I have mixed feelings abt this saturday--were gonna hang out for the first time snce we broke up and we havent seen eachother in over 2months. Im excited, but I also feel like just canceling the whole thing! (but i wont ) SO, the short answer to the question "how am I doing"--Im a jumble of emotions right now, but for the most part, I guess Im still kickin butt Hope everyones having a great day! Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Lexi, Yeah I know exactly what you are talking about. I often get pissed off when I think about how my ex just gave up and even now how she is acting wiht some stuff...I won't go into it but I'll just say she is being weird. Then other times i just think about the exact same stuff and shrug my shoudlers and say "I don't give a damn." All in all I really don't care that much about it now and I dont get sad or anything which is understandable since it's been a long time. You/your situation sounds like me/mine. I was friends with myex before we got together, I wasn't attracted to her then, we got together and at the time she seemed like she was mature enough to handle a long termer so I was cool to get invovled. Only once things weren't perfect and she was getting stressed from school and stuff (she is 3 years younger than me and was in school while I worked full time) that she started to run away and needed her space. Now after a year later she came to me and apologized for how she acted and wants to hang as friends. I say ok but now she is getting cold feet to doing that. Oh and she has admitted to not being able to handle stuff sorta like how your ex has. I like that you are kicking butt. Keep up the good work. Link to post Share on other sites
Nick14 Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Well, the reason why they act like that is due to them "not actually grown up in a relationship" yet. Its sad, and its hard for us, especially we are all experienced. They said, they don't have any feelings for the other person, who we are drifting away, or blah blah blah. You know, when they say that, there really in denial. I know if I made up a excuse like that, I would be in denial myself. They realize it later and karma will kick there ass, trust me all dumpers realize it later. Lexi, you just gotta "keep the faith" girl, stay postive, I recommend putting a big sign on your door as you leave for the morning everyday. It will make your day stronger! Link to post Share on other sites
Author djones Posted October 20, 2004 Author Share Posted October 20, 2004 Hey Lexib, Glad to hear you are kicking butt, I know exactly what you mean by having mixed emotions...I had those, its like you are this huge roller coaster and you have highs and lows....It funny (not realy) when someone breaks up with you all of a sudden to say they need space or to find them selves...what ends up happening is the other person goes into a huge depression while they try to sort them selves off...thats what pissed me off, we all are going through this heart break while they (our exs) have to find themselves....if you cant find yourself then you have on *****ing right to be in a relationship....in the end you *****i up 2 peoples lives....if that person really loved you at the begining you would think they would not so something so selfish like that.....just a rant I have on the topic guys..... Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 people in general are selfish so they don't think about the other person when the make their decisions. A person who isn't ready for a long term relationship won't say at the start "hey look, I will probably go crazy in 2 years and will leave you hanging dry while I go and try and sort out my immaturity" because nope, at the time they are excited for this new thing they have in their life. It all comes down to people being selfish and not thinking about how others will feel/be. I hate it because i think about others with my actions (not just relationship but in every aspect) and I just end up getting screwed over because others don't care. Link to post Share on other sites
atlous Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 So I am on the free way and my cell phone rings. Its him I hung up he kept calling. He said I need to talk to you very badly. I said I don't owe you any of my time. He says hear me out. I say fine. He said I will tell you the truth about everything. I never cheated on you and I did the worst thing in the world to you. I was not there for you and the baby. I can't think of anything worse than that. I will understand if you hate me for the rest of your life.He proceeds to tell me that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him and he lost me by doing retarded stuff. I am in shock by this point never in my life did I think that I would be stopped in the middle of a free way listening to my ex pour his heart out to me! I met him last night and we talked for three hours over coffee about everything. He asked if there was ever a chance like in five years that we will ever be together? Why five years why are men so afraid to tell us what they are truly thinking. He told me that he misses me and I told him that he made his choice to be with a pig. He said he isn't with her and she was around when he was messed up and that there is something missing. I told him that I am scared of him because I love him and never want to be hurt like that again. It felt akward last night. He was almost in tears when he talked about the baby. I felt like hugging him and holding him but I didn't. i did not cry I did not yell I was emotionless last night. He kept thinkin gof the good times last night and would bring things up that I forgot about! He sees me as this godess that he lost and I don't know how to deal? I need some male advice please what should I do? I mean of course I love him and want him to change. I seen him raw last night for the first time. I felt as though I wasn't playing games and that of course I still love him but I am confused. We played a game and reminisced on good times. It was fun. Then when I dropped him off at home it felt wierd. I wanted to hug him he just touched my arm and looked at me and said that he is sorry for everything and that he lost the most beautiful woman in the world. When I got home I felt tired and wanted to call him but i didn't I want to talk to him today but I won't. I want us to work and spend christmas together I do not want to be hurt again. I don't know how to get him back although he gave me every message that he wanted to I am still unsure? Link to post Share on other sites
Nick14 Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 its like this, if I knew I didn't want a serious relationship, then I wouldn't want to date right now, i say lets just hang out and kick it. So, but if I want a relationship, then I would want to find someone. I did that with my ex, I'll give her alittle space because i was her first b/f and she was immature and well, you saw what happen. Link to post Share on other sites
backspn Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 ditto Nick....my exs first serious relationship. Well....gonna give her lots of space this time. Im gonna do things that make ME happy and if it involves her great...if not....o well. Im tired of being hopeful. Its been 4 days of NC and she hasnt called me. Im not going to answer if she does but it seems like she knows not to call me.....its kinda funny. Call it women's intuition...but its weird. If in 3 or 4 months she wants to hang out as friends then I probably would. I expect alot from my friends and Im sure its hard to be my friend but I think its worth it cause Im a really good friend. If I found out that she really wanted to work on us then I would try again. But until I see it I dont feel like getting hurt again. Link to post Share on other sites
WantanS4 Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 atlous, Take a week...... if he doesn't call you again, then he got weak and gave in and was looking for a power up by spending time with you. Thus, *****'M!!!! If he calls you again within the week...... then before he even asks you how you are or if you have time to talk, ASK HIM WHAT HE WANTS OUT OF LIFE/WITH YOU...... NO BULL****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Put him on the spot, put your foot down and tell him that your tired of playing games and that YOU WANT A MATURE and concrete answer! If he hesitates, hang up....... if he doesn't, work it out... but DON'T GIVE HIM AN INCH..... make sure everything is catered toward you...... you have the final say. DON'T TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL....... OR THAT YOU NEED HIM OR WANT HIM........... play it with a poker face. That's what I would do if she called me.......... that's what I would do. Link to post Share on other sites
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