SunshineToday Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Hi SunshineToday, How long did it take you to stop hating and start healing? Hello. I hated hardcore for a good 6 months. I hated a little for the next 6 months. I started becoming indifferent after about a year. I also want to add, I was staying in my marriage and I did feel my hate towards the AP was helpful to my R. (just how I felt) And Stevie, you posted you have to love to hate, and I think thats wrong. I was not in love with my AP at any time. Never thought I was. (I may have said ILY to him, so he surely thought I loved him--I was quite the liar) Anyhow, I never loved him and after DDAY it was quite easy to hate him. But I was choosing to save my marriage, so that may be why I felt that way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author spice4life Posted February 11, 2013 Author Share Posted February 11, 2013 Makes total sense Ladygrey. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author spice4life Posted February 11, 2013 Author Share Posted February 11, 2013 Hello. I hated hardcore for a good 6 months. I hated a little for the next 6 months. I started becoming indifferent after about a year. I also want to add, I was staying in my marriage and I did feel my hate towards the AP was helpful to my R. (just how I felt) And Stevie, you posted you have to love to hate, and I think thats wrong. I was not in love with my AP at any time. Never thought I was. (I may have said ILY to him, so he surely thought I loved him--I was quite the liar) Anyhow, I never loved him and after DDAY it was quite easy to hate him. But I was choosing to save my marriage, so that may be why I felt that way. Interesting. What made you cheat with him then? No offense intended, but was it for sh**s and giggles? Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 I take a different view Stevie but loyalty to me has always been an all or nothing thing. To me it is zero sum when really bad harm is concerned (minor stuff comes out in the wash). So if someone hurts my loved ones I will hate them for that. If I was complicit I will hate myself for that and I will go through a LOT to make amends so I can gain forgiveness and forgive myself. I have done that - did not realize the harm I'd done for years by really truly had those emotions about it. I see all loyalty as switched to the AP if you're keeping then a secret and in order to turn back to all loyalty with your spouse you have to put yourself in their shoes and feel their pain as much as possible. I can't imagine being with someone who didn't hate the person who hurt me. If they didn't then they don't really love me. But on hate, I think I mean more frozensprouts idea of passive hate not the kind that eats you alive or makes you hunt them down. Disgust is a better word and I've read somewhere that disgust, not indifference is the opposite of love. Disgust makes you feel ill to think of it but you tend to not think of it until relevant. Indifference to me is neutrality. And I don't go in for neutrality when there is evil about. I'm no Neville Chamberlain. I guess I really do take a different approach to your’s… My best friend had her heart broken by her ex-girlfriend many years ago and I didn’t hate the girlfriend. We’d been close friends for years and she had her reasons for leaving the relationship. No infidelity involved. She just left my friend as her feelings had changed. My friend HATED her for years. I never did, and was honest about that. I was still friends with the girlfriend and felt secure enough in my BEST friendship with my friend to still be able to maintain a casual friendship with the girlfriend. (now, they too are friends again) My aunt is a horrible person who has hurt my grandparents and my mother over many years and bad mouthed my grandparents after they had died. She is probably the person I’d come closest to hating, but even then…I can’t say that I actually HATE her. I hate her BEHAVIOUR. But…it’s hard for me to say I hate someone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 And Stevie, you posted you have to love to hate, and I think thats wrong. I was not in love with my AP at any time. Never thought I was. (I may have said ILY to him, so he surely thought I loved him--I was quite the liar) Anyhow, I never loved him and after DDAY it was quite easy to hate him. But I was choosing to save my marriage, so that may be why I felt that way. Oh, I see. I think you can hate a person’s actions and how they impact on you and loved ones and thus hate THEM too even if you don’t love them. But if they haven’t really done anything horrendous TO you (that you have had no hand in yourself), and you hate them? That’s pretty intense emotion there. So I don’t know if it’s more a channeling of hatred that would otherwise be directed at yourself, or if you once loved the person you now hate. I think in terms of an affair, it’s just hard for me to understand how a person would risk their marriage, betray their spouse and then turn around (in order to move forward and re-commit to the spouse) and HATE the former partner…for someone they didn’t love. Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 I guess if I'm close enough to a person the person who hurts them does hurt me. And again I feel the loyalty thing. Plain old rejection isn't necessarily a wrong do I'm not sure I'd hate in your example but I sure couldn't be friends with someone who hurt my bestie. I had a bf once who stayed friends with a man who cheated on his sister and I always thought that was despicable. I broke up with him over it because it boded badly for his loyalty. I admit sometimes I am WAY too much the typical Libra. Always seeing both sides of everything. In the case of my best friend, we had been together for 4 years in a relationship. She broke up with me and told me there was no one else involved, but she’d really been seeing her new girlfriend (the one who 7 years later broke her heart by leaving suddenly and moving to London to live) while we were in an “open relationship” shortly before it ended. She said when her girlfriend left her that she felt it was her bad karma for how she hurt me all those years ago. I don’t believe that she, OR the girlfriend, deserved to be hated or friendships ended. They only acted in the best way they were equipped to at the time. I didn’t see that I couldn’t be loyal to my best friend while still maintaining an online friendship with the girlfriend, who I’d literally FORCED myself to be friends with way back when they first got together, for the sake of my friendship with my best friend, who needed us to get along. Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 LOL. I am crap at guessing star signs anyway, so don’t you worry. Link to post Share on other sites
Catplates Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 I guess if I'm close enough to a person the person who hurts them does hurt me. And again I feel the loyalty thing. Plain old rejection isn't necessarily a wrong do I'm not sure I'd hate in your example but I sure couldn't be friends with someone who hurt my bestie. I had a bf once who stayed friends with a man who cheated on his sister and I always thought that was despicable. I broke up with him over it because it boded badly for his loyalty. OMG. It concerns me that you worry about others so much. Don't you have you own life to think about? Is there so little that you hang around the OW/OM forum so much? I think you should get your very own life.. go out and get a nice single guy . Have fun. Neville Chamberlain had brains. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SunshineToday Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Interesting. What made you cheat with him then? No offense intended, but was it for sh**s and giggles? The attention, affection, excitement, my own selfishness & entitlement, and my own stupid (foggy) rationalizations. Worst decision of my life. I thought I could quietly end it when I wanted too. Never ever thought the truth would come to light and thought I would get away scott free. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 OMG. It concerns me that you worry about others so much. Don't you have you own life to think about? Is there so little that you hang around the OW/OM forum so much? I think you should get your very own life.. go out and get a nice single guy . Have fun. Neville Chamberlain had brains. I find this rude and unlike you. There are other people involved with the pain of infidelity and where are they suppose to express their feelings? The children, family, friends who know of it, know the devastation to one party or another in a triangle....what do they do? Stuff it? If they are protecting your privacy as they heal, supporting you as you decide to reconcile or divorce, don't you realize they may have very strong feelings and no where to go with them? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 The attention, affection, excitement, my own selfishness & entitlement, and my own stupid (foggy) rationalizations. Worst decision of my life. I thought I could quietly end it when I wanted too. Never ever thought the truth would come to light and thought I would get away scott free. This is very honest, sunshine. My H said "I thought I could control it but it got out of hand," and, "It just happened," and"I never meant to hurt you." It took lots of therapy to refute every single-knee jerk reaction statement he made after dday. Today, his views echo what you just posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 More about self forgiveness. We read many stories here of women who loathe themselves, because they went against their moral code, because they feel that allowed themselves to be foolish, because they hurt innocent people, re BS and children, because they hurt their own families or their BS, because they were weak, and the list goes on. If those feelings aren't dealt with, the why's and how's and then the final stage, self forgiveness, then the act will be repeated in some form or another. A self loathing person does not treat themselves kindly, they will look to another to fill the hole up that is inside themselves. And to those that don't feel bad about the pain inflicted, then that's an even bigger problem, it's a black hole inside and a whole lot more scary. I agree. we must all get to forgiveness if we are truly to heal and move on. I think the issue lies in those who agonize, introspect, live with remorse --not regret-- and vow not to repeat the mistake and those who only pay lip-service to it, or view it from a purely self-harmed situation and never quite get to the bigger picture. the difference between, jeez, My mistake really hurt me, which of course it did, to my mistake really hurt others too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 As I was once told, hate is a super strong emotion and to hate someone that much, means they are still emotionally tied to them. I went thru my hate stage with exmw, and I realized, I'm wasting my time an energy. Sure I got/get mad at times, mainly at me for being a fool, but to reach indifference or a point where you no longer care, you cannot hold onto the hate or the extreme dislike, you have to let go at some point. My reasoning has come to light very recently...and it's a great feeling to not harbor those feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 There seems to be a certain degree of pain and blame you require the OW to feel towards the BS and the fact she (the OW) played a part in hurting her and potentially wrecking her life to some extent. You seem to need them to feel INTENSELY upset about the pain inflicted on the BS. And this is just…not that common for a OW to feel THAT severely the pain they’ve caused, because… If the A is over, the OW is too busy nursing her own wounds to spare much guilt or remorse or pain for the BS (who may have “won” in the OW’s mind)If the A continues, the OW is too happy to feel THAT badly about the BS. Even if she does feel badly, it won’t overtake the happiness of the A (usually)The simple fact that people cannot usually feel THAT strongly for someone they do not know, have never met AND who has at least at some point, been “in their way” with regard to the MM. Even if the A is over and the OW has no feelings left towards the MM, they STILL won’t be able to feel THAT much towards the BS because of the fact they are a total stranger. It is much easier to feel INTENSE emotions or regret, remorse, pain, guilt based on true empathy and understanding when you can SEE the impact you’ve had Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 (edited) I hated the OW for a while, that's just part of the process. After a while, especially after I left the situation entirely and had time to heal and rationalize things... I don't know, it just lost importance. She got hurt too, she's responsible for her hurt feelings but, isn't that in a way harder? I've made lots of mistakes in my life, the ones that I've made where I ended up in pain were the hardest to get over. Doing yourself injustices IME was harder to deal with. It requires you to examine yourself and see your faults and shortcomings. That's not always an easy thing to admit or fix. I forgive the OW, I don't LOVE her or what she did, and if I had stayed she would have to disappear completely from our lives in order to move on. Personally the need to hate her, or have him hate her wouldn't be necessary FOR ME. I don't know, different strokes for different folks. Hate and love are two sides of the same coin IMO...and both involve HEAVY emotional investment in someone or a situation. I cannot imagine "moving on" and harboring hatred for your exAP. Frankly, if you hate them you should hate yourself as well, especially if they were single and you were married and pursued them for an affair. One has to forgive themselves to move on and if you can forgive yourself then you should also be able to forgive this other person who did the SAME thing you did. The best place is to get to a realistic place of seeing the mistakes you both made, acknowledging it and their humanity, wishing them well and moving on. That's healthy to me and if I had to be a BS reconciling I'd want my spouse to be able to do that. His active hatred of his exAP wouldn't help me. Although I can imagine and understand how in the beginning it would make me feel good. But in my own healing as a BS...the sign that I am doing okay would be when I no longer need that hatred or need my spouse to hate this person. When I was still inlove with my exAP I "hated" him. I was still essentially emotionally invested and basically my "hatred" was really hurt, sadness, anger and grief at love lost. When I started getting over him I no longer had a strong reaction to him and the hate softened to me understanding how he got to that place, how I did too and saying he's human, I am too and life goes on. I could wish him well and I was just FREE. Whereas before I had to curse his name and all this other extra negative energy that didn't help me one bit. Edited February 12, 2013 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 I don't really give a damn if you agree with me or not mfh.....you just keep pushing and pushing, don't you. Cheating and cheaters, especially ow's are the lowest form of life for you, we get that, but oh the irony, it's just fine for you to manipulate and deceive and pretend to be something you aren't on a forum, isn't it? Your peers, the BS's ought to be pissed at you too, mfh.....because you have done it to them too. Furthermore I would appreciate if you stay away from me and any comments you make, don't direct them toward me, because you will be on ignore. Don't forget, MFH was in an EA without any ownership because it never became physical and denouncing the wife as well. Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 What? She was in an emotional affair with someone? I thought this would never happen because she abhors all affairs and OW! My affair wasn’t physical at all because we lived on different continents, so does that mean she’d consider me “absolved” of all blame for hurting my ex-MM’s wife because it wasn’t physical!? Link to post Share on other sites
wisernow Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 No I was not and that's a particularly vile attempt to slander me. An ex who I loved but he dumped me and we had had no contact for 2 years, turned up on my doorstep and it was clearly inappropriate. I closed the door in his face and told him if he wanted my help to come back with his wife. I then called her and told her. How one has an EA with someone on is not in contact is truly beyond me. Unraveling is it? Tick tock. Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 How someone has an EA with someone they’re not in contact with is beyond you? Is that referring to me? Link to post Share on other sites
wisernow Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 I don't think it's about you, Stevie. I think it's called damage control, or CYA. Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Oh. Well, good! Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Oh, I see. No, of course your ex-husband coming to your door years later and trying to get back together with you and you declining and telling him to go away is not an affair of any kind! Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 I have never had an affair of any kind. I declined the opportunity. I closed tw door in his face and told his wife. Easy. I acted with integrity and I refuse to be ashamed of that just because others were not as scrupulous. I don't think they feel guilty, I think they have little in terms of morality. good for you. you should be proud of that. *slow clap* i don't think it's a witch hunt, people here are just a bit sick of you and stompy the high horse. oh and i don't know who you're referring to when you say 'they' don't feel quilty and lack morality - you might want to go through some of the threads here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Catplates Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Don't forget, MFH was in an EA without any ownership because it never became physical and denouncing the wife as well. So she writes... I believe there is a lot more to that poster than she lets on here. Link to post Share on other sites
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