Gaining Confidence...

[Seibs]

Well, I've been kind of frustrated in how my dating life has been going over the last few years and honestly I think that it all boils down to confidence. I think I'm a decently attractive guy, smart, able to carry on a conversation, fun and nice (well I hope so). But I can't seem to be able to translate that into results.

 

I don't think there's any reason why I should lack confidence, but I do... Whether it's trying to approach someone or even just being confident as I'm talking to a girl I just find it hard. I'm always able to convince myself to not approach someone or not to try hard for fear of embarrassment and I just end up shattering my confidence and ending up alone, which sucks.

 

I'm just looking for a few tips and tricks to be able to finally gain some confidence in myself and hopefully break out of my shell so I can finally break out of my shell and really start to enjoy life and dating. My issues with confidence have kind of relegated me to being scared content with just not doing anything rather than making the move and initiating something...

 

Any suggestions?

[Krieger]

Self confidence is the difference between feeling unstoppable and feeling scared out of your wits. Your perception of yourself has an enormous impact on how others perceive you. Perception is reality — the more self confidence you have, the more likely it is you’ll succeed.

Although many of the factors affecting self confidence are beyond your control, there are a number of things you can consciously do to build self confidence. By using these 10 strategies you can get the mental edge you need to reach your potential.

Build Self Confidence

 

 

1. Dress Sharp

Although clothes don’t make the man, they certainly affect the way he feels about himself. No one is more conscious of your physical appearance than you are. When you don’t look good, it changes the way you carry yourself and interact with other people. Use this to your advantage by taking care of your personal appearance. In most cases, significant improvements can be made by bathing and shaving frequently, wearing clean clothes, and being cognizant of the latest styles.

This doesn’t mean you need to spend a lot on clothes. One great rule to follow is “spend twice as much, buy half as much”. Rather than buying a bunch of cheap clothes, buy half as many select, high quality items. In long run this decreases spending because expensive clothes wear out less easily and stay in style longer than cheap clothes. Buying less also helps reduce the clutter in your closet.

2. Walk Faster

One of the easiest ways to tell how a person feels about herself is to examine her walk. Is it slow? tired? painful? Or is it energetic and purposeful? People with confidence walk quickly. They have places to go, people to see, and important work to do. Even if you aren’t in a hurry, you can increase your self confidence by putting some pep in your step. Walking 25% faster will make to you look and feel more important.

 

3. Good Posture

Similarly, the way a person carries herself tells a story. People with slumped shoulders and lethargic movements display a lack of self confidence. They aren’t enthusiastic about what they’re doing and they don’t consider themselves important. By practicing good posture, you’ll automatically feel more confident. Stand up straight, keep your head up, and make eye contact. You’ll make a positive impression on others and instantly feel more alert and empowered.

4. Personal Commercial

One of the best ways to build confidence is listening to a motivational speech. Unfortunately, opportunities to listen to a great speaker are few and far between. You can fill this need by creating a personal commercial. Write a 30-60 second speech that highlights your strengths and goals. Then recite it in front of the mirror aloud (or inside your head if you prefer) whenever you need a confidence boost.

5. Gratitude

When you focus too much on what you want, the mind creates reasons why you can’t have it. This leads you to dwell on your weaknesses. The best way to avoid this is consciously focusing on gratitude. Set aside time each day to mentally list everything you have to be grateful for. Recall your past successes, unique skills, loving relationships, and positive momentum. You’ll be amazed how much you have going for you and motivated to take that next step towards success.

6. Compliment other people

When we think negatively about ourselves, we often project that feeling on to others in the form of insults and gossip. To break this cycle of negativity, get in the habit of praising other people. Refuse to engage in backstabbing gossip and make an effort to compliment those around you. In the process, you’ll become well liked and build self confidence. By looking for the best in others, you indirectly bring out the best in yourself.

7. Sit in the front row

 

In schools, offices, and public assemblies around the world, people constantly strive to sit at the back of the room. Most people prefer the back because they’re afraid of being noticed. This reflects a lack of self confidence. By deciding to sit in the front row, you can get over this irrational fear and build your self confidence. You’ll also be more visible to the important people talking from the front of the room.

8. Speak up

During group discussions many people never speak up because they’re afraid that people will judge them for saying something stupid. This fear isn’t really justified. Generally, people are much more accepting than we imagine. In fact most people are dealing with the exact same fears. By making an effort to speak up at least once in every group discussion, you’ll become a better public speaker, more confident in your own thoughts, and recognized as a leader by your peers.

9. Work out

Along the same lines as personal appearance, physical fitness has a huge effect on self confidence. If you’re out of shape, you’ll feel insecure, unattractive, and less energetic. By working out, you improve your physcial appearance, energize yourself, and accomplish something positive. Having the discipline to work out not only makes you feel better, it creates positive momentum that you can build on the rest of the day.

10. Focus on contribution

Too often we get caught up in our own desires. We focus too much on ourselves and not enough on the needs of other people. If you stop thinking about yourself and concentrate on the contribution you’re making to the rest of the world, you won’t worry as much about you own flaws. This will increase self confidence and allow you to contribute with maximum efficiency. The more you contribute to the world the more you’ll be rewarded with personal success and recognition.

[Seibs]

5. Gratitude

When you focus too much on what you want, the mind creates reasons why you can’t have it. This leads you to dwell on your weaknesses. The best way to avoid this is consciously focusing on gratitude. Set aside time each day to mentally list everything you have to be grateful for. Recall your past successes, unique skills, loving relationships, and positive momentum. You’ll be amazed how much you have going for you and motivated to take that next step towards success.

9. Work out

Along the same lines as personal appearance, physical fitness has a huge effect on self confidence. If you’re out of shape, you’ll feel insecure, unattractive, and less energetic. By working out, you improve your physcial appearance, energize yourself, and accomplish something positive. Having the discipline to work out not only makes you feel better, it creates positive momentum that you can build on the rest of the day.

10. Focus on contribution

Too often we get caught up in our own desires. We focus too much on ourselves and not enough on the needs of other people. If you stop thinking about yourself and concentrate on the contribution you’re making to the rest of the world, you won’t worry as much about you own flaws. This will increase self confidence and allow you to contribute with maximum efficiency. The more you contribute to the world the more you’ll be rewarded with personal success and recognition.

 

Thanks for the quick response. I think the Gratitude one really is important for me, but sometimes I find that hard to do. Often I'll find myself reflecting on what I've got going for me and I'll feel good. I've got a great group of friends, and I think that I've got a great prospect for the future (I'm graduating this semester with a Double Major in Economics and Finance). Sometimes though I'll really over think this and start turning those positives into negatives. Sure I've got a great group of friends, but why are they really friends with me? I mean if I wasn't around or just didn't exist I can't imagine that the whole group dynamic would really be that different... That just puts me in a bad mood because then I'm thinking "well, what I do I really offer?". But there's plenty of people who could be the "me" in that group and I really just start to lose confidence at that point. I really am thankful to have everyone in my life, but when I start to get on the train of thought where I'm thinking that I don't have a lot to offer then I start to feel guilty that I'm just kind of a burden on everyone and they might just be better off without me. I know that's not the right way to think but that's just where I constantly end up...

 

I've been meaning to start working out and getting in shape, it's something that I want to do but just really haven't found the motivation to get started. I'm kind of intimidated by the gym and I don't want to go with my friends who do work out because I feel like I'll just be hindering them and holding them back. I just don't want to be that guy.

 

Also for contribution, is there a point where there's too much contribution? Going back to the point about gratitude, I'm so thankful to have a good group of friends but I feel like I owe them something for being friendly and welcoming to me. I guess an example would be when we all go out to the bar or something, I feel like I'll be the one to be the DD just because I don't want to burden someone with me or end up ruining someone's night by being annoying or something like that. I guess maybe this isn't really an issue about contribution, maybe something else. I'm not sure...

[SpiralOut]

I've been meaning to start working out and getting in shape, it's something that I want to do but just really haven't found the motivation to get started. I'm kind of intimidated by the gym and I don't want to go with my friends who do work out because I feel like I'll just be hindering them and holding them back. I just don't want to be that guy.

 

I don't know about anyone else, but I like introducing people to yoga class or to the gym. Showing someone how to use a machine makes me feel useful and smart. At least one of your friends is probably the same way; rather than feeling held back by you, he will be happy to show you around. A good friend would, anyway.

[Seibs]

I don't know about anyone else, but I like introducing people to yoga class or to the gym. Showing someone how to use a machine makes me feel useful and smart. At least one of your friends is probably the same way; rather than feeling held back by you, he will be happy to show you around. A good friend would, anyway.

 

Yeah, and a lot of them have offered to take me and show me around. Actually pretty much all of them have. It's not anything on their end that's the problem, more so on me. I just feel like I would kind of just be a drag on them there. They've all insisted that wouldn't be the case, but I don't know, I just feel like me being there with them would just make it worse for them.

[camillalev]

5. Gratitude

When you focus too much on what you want, the mind creates reasons why you can’t have it. This leads you to dwell on your weaknesses. The best way to avoid this is consciously focusing on gratitude. Set aside time each day to mentally list everything you have to be grateful for. Recall your past successes, unique skills, loving relationships, and positive momentum. You’ll be amazed how much you have going for you and motivated to take that next step towards success.

6. Compliment other people

When we think negatively about ourselves, we often project that feeling on to others in the form of insults and gossip. To break this cycle of negativity, get in the habit of praising other people. Refuse to engage in backstabbing gossip and make an effort to compliment those around you. In the process, you’ll become well liked and build self confidence. By looking for the best in others, you indirectly bring out the best in yourself.

8. Speak up

During group discussions many people never speak up because they’re afraid that people will judge them for saying something stupid. This fear isn’t really justified. Generally, people are much more accepting than we imagine. In fact most people are dealing with the exact same fears. By making an effort to speak up at least once in every group discussion, you’ll become a better public speaker, more confident in your own thoughts, and recognized as a leader by your peers.

10. Focus on contribution

Too often we get caught up in our own desires. We focus too much on ourselves and not enough on the needs of other people. If you stop thinking about yourself and concentrate on the contribution you’re making to the rest of the world, you won’t worry as much about you own flaws. This will increase self confidence and allow you to contribute with maximum efficiency. The more you contribute to the world the more you’ll be rewarded with personal success and recognition.

 

Fantastic advice. Def will start focusing on contribution and gratitude.

[chex]

Hmmm, I think in the "working out" section you failed to mention that working out simply makes you feel better about yourself. The endorphins make you feel on top of the world. It's like getting high on exercising.