He cheated - not sure how to proceed now??

[Highness]

Ive been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and love him more than I can express. We've been talking about marriage and kids etc, however about 3 weeksago discovered that he was a member of a dating site and had been messaging random girls. I caught him doing this about 3 months ago and said if I ever caught him again we'd be finished. Well, I was shocked and angry to find out that he had never stopped and threw him out of the house.

 

He cried and pleaded, said he loved me more than anything, that I was the 'one' but he had this addiction to messagingrandom girls, that he liked the 'rush' and 'validation' it gave him but that henever met up with any of them and never wanted to. He said he's been addicted to it for years, even though his previous r'ships, and that he hated himself for it. He logged into his account and showed me all the messages then and there - it showed messages with maybe one or two different girls every month, but as soon as the girl asked for his number or wanted to meet up he'd cut contact. I know this isn’t solid proof he didn’t physically cheat on me, but I do tend to believe that this was constrained to online activities.

 

Anyway, he moved in with a friend and said that he wanted nothing more than to be back in a committed r'ship with me but that he knew he couldn’t do that while he had this 'habit'. So he is seeing a counsellor and using methods to help him stop (such as writing in a diary, going for a run whenever his mind turns to it etc).

 

While I have not forgiven him for cheating (as it was emotional cheating, at the least), I love this man with all my heart andtruly think that he is a good person and can be a great future husband and father, if he fixes this issue. When Ithrew him out I tried to enforce no contact but it didn’t work as he was involved in a motorbike accident and in the hospital for a few days - I had to visit and obviously it was very upsetting for everyone as he could have been killed. Anyway, he is okay now and backat his friends house, and I am having trouble deciding whether I should enforce no contact again or just go with the flow. My friends say I need at least a month away from him in order to sort out my own feelings, however I love him and want to support him. I will not welcome him back into my house and arms until I think he has made a big change, but in the meantime I cant see the harm in texting and seeing him occasionally? I miss him terribly.

 

Any thoughts or suggestions on how to proceed would be very much appreciated. I know that I am blinded by love, in part, and would advise any friend in the same situation to run the other way… But I just cant seem to cut the cord, and amnot sure if that’s the best way to go, in any event. Your advice would be much appreciated!

Edited February 11, 2013 by Highness

[CptObvious]

That's not cheating. However, he is really stupid for getting caught. Is it really that hard to hide your crap from someone you KNOW is going through your stuff all the time? Really guys? Are you that ****ing lazy? Step it up gentlemen. These women are not private investigators.. they're just paranoid and nosy.

[Highness]

Um, yes it is cheating in my mind, and I dont think the point of this post was how stupid he was for getting caught.

 

He told me that he had become more brazen because part of him wanted to get caught and get this out in the open, that he hates living a lie but was not strong enough to come out with the truth himself.

 

Regardless, its all out now and Id like to know people's opinions on how they think I should handle this?

[SJC2008]

He probably erased the messages showing where he gave his # or agreed to dates just so he'd have a BS story when he got caught.

 

A guy I went to HS with cheated and got caught. He didn't bat an eye when he cheated but he was destroyed when he got caught and "realized" how much pain he caused. I don't understand how people operate.

[kaylan]

Dump him OP. He isnt faithful and hes a liar too.

[Highness]

If it was as simple as dumping him, I would have done this by now. Ive spent almost 3 years with this man and am of an age where I want to settle down and start thinking about marriage and kids.

 

To start again now would be devastating and the fact is I am still deeply in love with him, despite his flaws. For this reason it may be best to go no contact and try to extricate myself from the r'ship but Id prefer to work on it...

 

All replies have been much appreciated and any further advice (particularly by those who have been in a similiar situation) would be gratefully received.

[kaylan]

It is as simple as dumping him.

 

Dont be weak.

 

Unless you want to be married to someone who doesnt respect your OR your relationship or kids...all because you let him know in this situation that he can get away with lying and cheating.

 

Have some self respect. Starting over is hard and it sucks...but you can only build a successful relationship with someone whos loyal and trustworthy.

 

THIS GUY IS NOT.

 

Do you really want to run the risk of marriage and kids, only to be back here posting in the marriage forum about your cheating husband? You know how hard that kinda stuff is on a family?

[Highness]

Thanks Kaylan, I agree. That is why Ive gone on a 'break' with him and threw him out of the house.

 

I just think that if he is committed to fixing this problem (which he has said he is, and is proving by his actions in seeing a counsellor etc), that this is the jolt that he needed to become a better man, the man he 'wants to be' (as he said).

 

I dont want to end things before he has a chance to change, especially given that I have never in my life felt so emotionally and physically connected to someone. I know he is a good man and has the potential to be a faithful husband. But in the end its up to him. I am so conflicted right now.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You need to ask yourself one thing...

 

"Can I accept him messaging other women and emotionally cheating with other women?"

 

If the answer is no, then you've got to move on. You want to take a chance because you this he's a "good guy" and will won't day make a great husband.

 

For one thing, regardless of whether he's a good guy or not he does have an issue or a problem, so that's not going away any time soon regardless...things don't just magically vanish because you are a "good person". Nobody gets a free ride.

 

Secondly, three years is a reasonable time frame...and you in this time will have no idea whether he's cheated or not. Take it from a man...you will not know for certain. Imagine it from his side of the ball...."she's already pissed off with me just messaging these girls, I've showed her these mild conversations I've had a few girls...but what would she do if she knew I had taken it farther or actually cheated....screw that, she'd leave me"

 

He's in a position right now to do anything but be completely honest. Maybe he hasn't, maybe he doesn't have the skill or game or even the courage to actually go through with it...but if you think for one second he's drawing the line in the sand and not actually doing something on his own will...then you're a very naive and in-love girl indeed, because this kind of behavior will lead to cheating. I'm letting you know that right now so that if you take him back and six months down the road you find out he's cheated in the past or within that time you're not a hysterical crazy person crying your eyes out screaming "I can't belieeeeeve he did this to me! why did he do this to us! why didn't he give....US, a chance!" and yadda yadda yadda.

 

Relationships just aren't about love and all those gushy feelings, look around you...there's 10 billion other girls that think they feel the same way about some guy that's likely doing the same exact thing or worse...but she stays, she hopes, she prays that he'll "change" and sees the "potential" of the man....trust me, women play far more tricks on themselves then men would ever have the competency to play themselves...as you can see, and how you caught him...men are typically quite stupid in these circumstances.

 

If you let him back into the relationship I will guarantee he will be doing this again shortly after, maybe weeks, months but he'll be back at it again, because those how these things work.

 

You want him to get another chance? tell him after six months of therapy and counseling, with all these issues laid out, it should be transparent to you...then you'll review the situation again.

 

But you know what...he'd never make it, he's just not going to stop, you'll see. But if by some miracle he did because he wanted to be with you that badly, that'd be a start. Taking him back now and you'll be dealing with this situation down the road again, and the funny thing is, you'll actually be surprised because he made a few empty promises.

 

IMO you shoudn't fall for it, and just move on...it's hard, it's difficult, but you're going to be way more shattered when he actually does cheat on you, then what are you going to do? what are you going to say to yourself?

[yongyong]

yup, you can't leave the blackjack table after dumping $$$. you keep thinking about the investment you made.

 

'am of an age where I want to settle down and start thinking about marriage and kids'

I suspect that you are at the age of 'lower market value'

 

But what if you are forced to divorce him after 3 years and plus you have a kid? what would be your market value then?

 

I have a female friend who got divorced in just one year. she was 24.

I told her look at the positive side. what if you got divorced close to 30 and had a kid? you are still young and can start another chapter easily.

 

If you decide to stay with him and something major happens later, just don't blame him. that was your choice.

Nobody feels bad for Rihanna and you know why.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If it was as simple as dumping him, I would have done this by now. Ive spent almost 3 years with this man and am of an age where I want to settle down and start thinking about marriage and kids.

 

To start again now would be devastating and the fact is I am still deeply in love with him, despite his flaws. For this reason it may be best to go no contact and try to extricate myself from the r'ship but Id prefer to work on it...

 

All replies have been much appreciated and any further advice (particularly by those who have been in a similiar situation) would be gratefully received.

[Highness]

Wow thanks ninja, that was a very thoughtful response and exactly the kind of feedback I need. You are 100% right... I cant enable this behaviour, otherwise he will just walk all over me.

 

As hard as it is to admit, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be in a r'ship with a man who was cheating (and you're right, it could so easily lead to physicaly cheating if it hasnt already).

 

Its just so awful that I am in my thirties now and all my friends are married and have kids and I am starting again. I want so badly for my boyfriend to just fix this bloody problem and be 100% committed to me, as I have been to him, but I guess it was naive to think that this could be fixed overnight.

 

Do you think I need to go full no contact or can I end things and let him update me on how he is going every now and thwen? In the end I want this to work, and I believe that he does to, so thats why I dont think we should cut each other off completely (as that is more for when people want to break up and forget the other person). I dont know...

[Ninjainpajamas]

Wow thanks ninja, that was a very thoughtful response and exactly the kind of feedback I need. You are 100% right... I cant enable this behaviour, otherwise he will just walk all over me.

 

That's exactly what you'll be doing, I'm very glad you're able to see that clearly.

As hard as it is to admit, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be in a r'ship with a man who was cheating (and you're right, it could so easily lead to physicaly cheating if it hasnt already).

 

Don't make any long-term plans yet, thirties doesn't mean you're dead or dying anytime soon.

 

But yes a good place to start is choosing wisely the kind of relationships you are investing in at this point...as to not waste more of your time.

 

Twenties is the phase of wishful thinking, in your thirties you know better than that and have experienced or seen enough to realize the path you are carving out for yourself.

Its just so awful that I am in my thirties now and all my friends are married and have kids and I am starting again. I want so badly for my boyfriend to just fix this bloody problem and be 100% committed to me, as I have been to him, but I guess it was naive to think that this could be fixed overnight.

 

Don't worry about what your friends are doing...trust me, they've got their own problems, focus on your life instead of envying others from the outside without really knowing what's going on or taking place...them ::bam:: someones getting divorced or the relationship was falling apart.

 

I know you want to fix it, but it's not your job to "fix" anything...you can't fix someone else personal problem, they've got to make the effort and want to change themselves...and guess what? a lot of people don't really want to change as much as they say they do, they secretly enjoy what they're doing a great deal.

 

Yes it is, to think a problem can be fixed with a wave of a wand or a few counseling sessions...this kind of thing takes time, time I'm not sure that is worth it for you at this stage in your life.

 

Just think...you're just finding out about this, that means this is likely the tip of the iceberg to something much deeper and complex..likely something you may not be able to understand.

Do you think I need to go full no contact or can I end things and let him update me on how he is going every now and thwen? In the end I want this to work, and I believe that he does to, so thats why I dont think we should cut each other off completely (as that is more for when people want to break up and forget the other person). I dont know...

I think you definitely need to full no contact. You need time to sort out your emotions and he needs his time too, to deal with his issues and take some time and assess what he really wants...trust me, it seems as fiery and intense right now but things will cool down and you'll be thinking from a different point of view.

 

I know you want things to work out, but don't be blinded by that hope. Take six months no contact and tell him after that you can talk again and assess what he's been doing in counseling and if he really wants this...what is six months for the rest of your life? wouldn't you want to know the man is sure and dedicated six months to working on his problems or issues? at the least.

 

If not, take the road that most take as a "peace offering" meaning..."we'll work on our issues while still together" which IMO doesn't work because you need total focus and reflection on yourself, a relationship is a distraction, it's something you do when you are fixed not during the fixing process...it's like trying to drive your car and change the tires at the same time.

 

If you "force" yourself to forget him he'll be like this martyr you'll build up...he's send you apologetic emails and messages, enticing you to get back, telling you how much he loves you and wants to change, needs your support...yadda yadda yadda...are you getting the hint I might know what I'm talking about here yet? It's been done a million times and everyone says the same things...only to trip over the same rock because they thought they were different or special...when in reality, you greatly underestimate the issues and then eventually just fall into the same routine in the relationship and fight about the same crap you always did or do, especially when it pertains to something like this...something that wounded your trust, that's incredibly difficult to replace and will never be quite the same.

......

 

Take your time, don't rush yourself with romance...you might think 3 years is a lot to lose..I've seen women waste a lifetime almost on the wrong man, don't be afraid and dramatic like you'll never meet someone again...if anything as you get older, you make a little bit of a wiser choice each and every time, and learn just a little bit more about yourself. When you become consumed by the drama in one relationship, you get locked in a time capsule and time just passes by but your relationship stays the same...only to eventually emotionally detach when you've had enough.

 

If you just cave and take this guy back, chances are you're going to pay a hefty emotional price, one you may not recover from. He's going to cut you again while the wound is tender and it's going to hurt like a b!tch.

[CptObvious]

Agreed.

 

If anything, you should break up with him because he's really stupid.

 

exactly. Don't let morons like that reproduce. The last thing we need is a couple billion more guys who are equally as stupid as women. Saving your usernames and passwords like that? not deleting your tracks? My god, you mouthbreathers should just castrate yourself.

[Archgirl]

If it was as simple as dumping him, I would have done this by now. Ive spent almost 3 years with this man and am of an age where I want to settle down and start thinking about marriage and kids.

 

To start again now would be devastating and the fact is I am still deeply in love with him, despite his flaws. For this reason it may be best to go no contact and try to extricate myself from the r'ship but Id prefer to work on it...

 

All replies have been much appreciated and any further advice (particularly by those who have been in a similiar situation) would be gratefully received.

 

It is that simple. Do you want to have the children of a cheater and a liar? You are setting them up for a lifetime of bad relationships too, and if you think it's hard to leave now, it will be worse if there's children. Be an adult, don't stay with him out of fear you won't find another. Do you really want a marriage based on lies and pretense? Or do you want to wait for a guy that prefers you to every other woman in the world to spend the rest of your life with?

[Emilia]

If it was as simple as dumping him, I would have done this by now. Ive spent almost 3 years with this man and am of an age where I want to settle down and start thinking about marriage and kids.

 

To start again now would be devastating and the fact is I am still deeply in love with him, despite his flaws. For this reason it may be best to go no contact and try to extricate myself from the r'ship but Id prefer to work on it...

 

Yes it is this simple. Or you can wait until you have kids and dump him when he cheats on you again thus ruin your kids' childhood too. Your choice. Why you think he would make a good father is beyond me.

[soccerrprp]

He cheated. If you and he are really meant to be then take a break and let him get help for his alleged "addiction." Once he is free from it, get back together.

 

Otherwise, this is not good for you...

[StanMusial]

He sounds like a weirdo. Why go to all that trouble if you're not even going to try to meet someone? I think either:

 

1. He has some pschological issues

 

2. He is looking to trade up

 

Either way, you should run for the hills.

[phineas]

Well OP.

"leave him" is the best answer.

 

As someone who was married to a cheater I can promise you there is always more.

 

He lied about messaging women.

He is most likely doing the same about meeting them.

 

My ex was really good at hiding that stuff before we married.

But, she was crazy & crazy people are good at hiding that stuff.

Not so good at hiding the crazy though & I saw she was a little off but still put a ring on it so that's on me. LOL!

 

But your's showed his true colors. TWICE. 3rd times a charm when you have a newborn & can't give him the attention he requires?

[AverageCat]

not even gonna read this.

He cheated. You dump him. Plain and simple.

I don't see the fact that he put his penis somewhere else as a big deal but cheaters are a no-no because you want someone you can trust and who has core values.

If a guy wants to sleep with someone else why not just SAY IT before doing it?

[Leigh 87]

don't worry.......

Edited February 11, 2013 by Leigh 87

[Leigh 87]

*sigh* a good friend of mine, who tells me everything, did this to his girlfriend.

He had a bit of a gut, and although he was reasonably handsome, he missed seeing if hot girls would want him.

 

...So he went online, and talked to hundreds of women.

He even showed me, at which point I threatened to tell his girlfriend, who I am friendly with.

He showed me the messages there and then, and there was no evidence of them having met.

...He was even daring enough to ask to meet, or agree to meet, but then he would.. dissapear.

 

He said he just wanted to see how many hot chicks would actually want to have sex with him in real life.

 

..What he did demonstrates poor character, but I KNOW this guy; he is totally in love with his girlfriend, and would never want to cheat on her.

 

He is full blown, madly in love with her.

 

I have been out to clubs with him since well before I met his girlfriend, and he did not have eyes for any other girl.

[Leigh 87]

I would say over 90% of guys who are really truly in love would NOT do what the OP's boyfriend did to her.

 

However, there is always that 10% minority of men, who are truly in love, but ... well, do questionable things that most other men who are in love do not do.

[Leigh 87]

wow I feel bad now, I do not want to give out false hope, considering it is rare for men truly in love to make the same mistake.

 

She should leave him, of course; it is irresponsible to tell her to hold on to the hope that her boyfriend is an exception.

 

 

.....I just think that, while you should go full no contact, you should be open to him begging at your door later down the track, telling you that he cannot get over you no matter how many months past.

 

Not bread crumbs and text messages at all: there is a SMALLLL chance he truly does love you, in which case he WILL come back after months, physically to your door, begging you for another chance, and telling you that he will do ANYTHING to change his ways (if he has not changed already!)

[phineas]

I would say over 90% of guys who are really truly in love would NOT do what the OP's boyfriend did to her.

 

However, there is always that 10% minority of men, who are truly in love, but ... well, do questionable things that most other men who are in love do not do.

 

He did it TWICE.

The 2nd time was after he got caught & promised he wouldn't do it again.

 

Once, ok that might fall in line with your theory.

but twice?

[Leigh 87]

He did it TWICE.

The 2nd time was after he got caught & promised he wouldn't do it again.

 

Once, ok that might fall in line with your theory.

but twice?

 

 

 

Oh.

 

I never realised he did it twice...