He cheated - not sure how to proceed now??

[Leigh 87]

Well look, the thing we all advocate here is to co no contact, because it is the fastest way to heal.

 

Unless your going to get back together, any communication will only serve to hurt you.

 

If, however, the person shows up at tour house, several months later, begging you for another chance: then ask them if they are willing to try very very hard to change their bad habits.

There are RARE cases, were months down the track the person who fcked up may realise that they are still madly in love with the person they betrayed, but it is rare.

 

A few months is sufficient time to see if your guy will move on and date others, or if he is still completely stuck on you; not because he is lonley, but because he still thinks your the one for him.

..... They OFTEN come back because they miss old times a little their dating lives are not going well, and they think they had a better deal with you.

.....It is critical that they really do think they are madly in love with you and surely made am mistake..

 

No bored and lonley guys coming back because you an "option"

[sunbeach200]

I would absolutely give this man another chance. It sounds like you both love each other and he sounds very remorseful. He was an idiot to go online but he sounds genuinely ashamed of his behaviour. You have exposed him so why would he carry on being deceitful after being discovered. You really think he could life a double life like that? Only you know him.

 

If you are doubtful then yes take a breather. Don't make any hasty judgments but tell him what you want him to do ( councelling session etc). Make him see that his bevioyr is wrong.

And if he is showing consistent commitment to rebuild your relationship after some time then definitely give him another chance.

 

In the meantime you need to readjust yourself from this shock. You will get there. We all do

[urgergovuct]

Zabawki drewniane włosy Senioren

[KatZee]

If it was as simple as dumping him, I would have done this by now. Ive spent almost 3 years with this man and am of an age where I want to settle down and start thinking about marriage and kids.

 

To start again now would be devastating and the fact is I am still deeply in love with him, despite his flaws. For this reason it may be best to go no contact and try to extricate myself from the r'ship but Id prefer to work on it...

 

This is not reason enough to stay with him, sorry to say. I was with my ex for three years as well. We too had spoken of engagement, living together.

 

2 years into our relationship he confessed to cheating on me. When I tell you that the relationship was never the same after that...

 

There was no trust. I despised him after that. I had no respect for him. I was living on the edge when I was around him. Always would snap to attention when his phone buzzed with a message. I would struggled to see who he was talking to.

 

Because I thought like you are (I love him, we've been together years, we've been through so much, he's a good person deep inside) I stayed with him. Looking back at it now, that was the worst mistake I ever made.

 

I wish I would have just had the courage back then to be like, screw you. Your boyfriend is a proven cheater, and a liar. He can talk the big game all he wants (I'm getting therapy, I want a committed relationship with you, I'm so sorry) but at the end of the day these are nothing but words. My ex spoke a lot of words as well and he never did a damn thing to show me anything.

 

He has an admitted addiction to online relationships or whatever he's doing. That's not something that's going to magically go away, even if he does do therapy for a while. Addictions are hard to crack, and most people relapse at least once. Do you really want to go down that road? To find out he's done it again, except this time, he took the risk one step further and met with a woman? Because I guarantee you that it will happen. He may not WANT it to happen right now, he may feel genuinely ashamed, but the temptation will come creeping back.

 

Do you really want to have to monitor his online activity like you're his mother? Do you want to live your life paranoid that he's doing something behind your back? Do you want to live your life questioning him?

 

Yes, you've been together 3 years, but really in the scheme of life that's not all that long. You're not married, you have no kids. You can walk from this free and clear right now. Will it hurt? Absolutely. Will you want to go back? Definitely. But in the long run, I don't think being with a person like this is beneficial to you.

 

I think you're capable of having so much more.

[KatZee]

You have exposed him so why would he carry on being deceitful after being discovered. You really think he could life a double life like that? Only you know him.

 

You obviously don't know the way a cheating mind works.

 

Cheaters are exposed every single day. Physical affairs, emotional affairs. Cheaters rarely, IF EVER stop right then and there. They just don't. Especially one's who are addicted.

 

They will continue on what they are doing. They may take a break to let the storm calm, but they will eventually go right back, and they will take their infidelities even deeper underground. They will become more secretive, and be extremely cautious as to not be found out again.

 

Look at any story regarding cheating. They almost always do it again, despite "remorse" or "regret." I'd be even more wary the fact he said he's addicted to it. This alone tells me it WILL happen again. He will feel disgust, and sick at himself, but the addiction pulls him right back. It's just like being addicted to drugs, or alcohol.

 

I would stay away from this person right now. Let his actions do the talking. See if he gets into therapy, see if he's making the changes in his life. However, even if he IS... that is no guarantee it won't happen again.

[anna121]

Unfortunately, the minute you take him back, the "jolt" would be over.

 

I don't know if it is accurate to describe him as addicted, but if he is then it will be very tough for him to stop. Probably require intensive therapy. And it is very difficult in this day and age to separate him from the source of the temptation - the web.

 

Some would say he needs to pretty much cut out most online activities. Or accept random monitoring for pretty much forever.

 

You might want to think about a polygraph too. You have pretty weak verification of his story.

 

These sound extreme, but it's because extreme measures are frequently needed if you don't want to end up in the same space. Otherwise you are relying on sheer luck to pull you through.

 

What has HE said about how he can make you feel more secure???

 

Very difficult for someone in your position to be objective and figure out the right path. I feel for you.

[sunbeach200]

You obviously don't know the way a cheating mind works.

 

Cheaters are exposed every single day. Physical affairs, emotional affairs. Cheaters rarely, IF EVER stop right then and there. They just don't. Especially one's who are addicted.

 

They will continue on what they are doing. They may take a break to let the storm calm, but they will eventually go right back, and they will take their infidelities even deeper underground. They will become more secretive, and be extremely cautious as to not be found out again.

 

Look at any story regarding cheating. They almost always do it again, despite "remorse" or "regret." I'd be even more wary the fact he said he's addicted to it. This alone tells me it WILL happen again. He will feel disgust, and sick at himself, but the addiction pulls him right back. It's just like being addicted to drugs, or alcohol.

 

I would stay away from this person right now. Let his actions do the talking. See if he gets into therapy, see if he's making the changes in his life. However, even if he IS... that is no guarantee it won't happen again.

 

True. There is no guarantee. He may or may not go online again but its a risk that you have to take. Its a big leap of faith to trust a cheat again. But if he is showing true remorse (by being transparent, going to therapy etc) Then I personally think that he will not do it again. People can change if they really want to. Its a matter of changing your thought process. Thats not impossible.

 

If he is just talking about it and doing nothing about it, then he cant be trusted at all. Best to leave him straight away.

 

NOT ALL CHEATERS CHEAT ALL THEIR LIVES! I was a terrible cheat in my twenties. Broke many hearts and didnt care.

 

Its been 12 years since I last cheated and I would NEVER cheat again.

[Highness]

You were all right. I gave him another chance and then found out he never stopped the online cheating. We officially ended it last week and he's moving the last of his stuff out this weekend. He always had one foot out the door and I had no idea, I was blind until the last second.

 

I'm glad the way I handled it though, I gave it the best shot I could and never got angry in front of him or said anything I regret. So I feel at least I have my dignity.

 

Thanks for all of your advice, especially the advice I initially didn't want to hear. Any feedback on how to recover from a life changing break up wld now be much appreciated!