Dreams of your ex

[Ninja'sHusband]

Anyone dream about their ex? As angry as I am and as much trouble the divorce is giving me...I swear I've taken to dreaming about her almost every night recently. I hate it because I go from reconciling at night to waking up and remembering how utterly impossible that is in the morning. I don't know how to make the dreams stop, I wish they would. I'm sitting here dreading going to sleep..

 

Basic back story is she cheated (miscarried a child whose father was unknown), wouldn't quit a martial arts class that she had with the OMM so I eventually ended up starting the divorce process. We've been separated for 7 months now. There were so many lies along the way that I seriously don't believe a word she says anymore. I truly loved her as a person to have fun with though. She was my best friend in the world and beautiful too. Ugh... Aside from breaking up the family (I know..) she's a great mother. Now both families know everything. Well her family knows whatever she's told them and some of what I've said...of course they blame me...=\ There's really no hope of reconciliation. It's such a mess.

 

Anyway, the question is about the dreams and how to handle them, or if anyone else has had something similar and just wants to share I'd appreciate it.

Edited February 11, 2013 by Ninja'sHusband

[ruh roh]

I am surely no expert on this subject, but I believe the first step to eliminate your dreaming of her is to stop thinking of her in such a good light. She has hurt you plain and simple. She is a bad person period, for doing this to you! You can no longer harp on only the good times and pleasant thoughts. I'm not saying to become bitter, but start living in the reality. If you continue to dwell on her all day than it only makes sense that you will have dreams about her as well. I do know this to be true because I did the same thing for far too long. One morning I woke up after having a dream about us reconciling. I put my feet on the ground and swore to myself that I was done worshiping the cheating w#o$e and have not looked back since. You will be amazed at how excepting the truth and not making excuses for her will set you free! It has me, and I have been doing so much better since realizing it.

 

Good luck to you Brother and I'm sure you will find your way and become a better person for it. Remember that only you can control your thoughts and dreams!

[candie13]

giving up (divorcing) and letting go are not similar or simultaneous. you keep dreaming about your ex, because you are about to let her go, yet you still hope.

 

So, you have two options: you either fight for your relationship, or if you realize that it's over, you go an take all the closure you need. Go and ask all the questions you need to ask. Go and see your partner with your own two eyes, with her OM. Realize that the good memories are in the past, and no matter how beautiful and extraordinary they were, they are forever in the past, for the reality changed beyond repair.

 

You need to learn to accept reality. After you accept the reality, you may be able to let go and only then, the letting go and the healing begins. I've never been through a divorce and I hope to never experience this... I imagine it must be traumatic.

 

But hanging on to a past, where things were perfect, is not a way to confront a disappointing or harsh reality. This doesn't mean your ex is a bad person, or less beautiful and special. Or that you didn't have a nice marriage. But it ended. Understand WHY it ended, accept those reasons, and only when you've actually understood that there is NOTHING that you can do to change that reality, can you really start moving on.

 

you're not out of the woods yet.

 

the worst thing you can do, right now, is to live in denial and keep thinking about how wonderful the past was. you'll be poisoning your life - that's what those dreams ... talk to a specialist, if you feel like you need to. Getting proper sleep is essential in coping with the everyday life.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Thanks, but heh, you should read my other posts. Most of them are very angry. I spend a lot of my day broooding about how angry I am. Believe me I don't sit around thinking about the positive things....sheesh! Also she's not with the OMM. I out them to his wife, they are still together as far as I know. My ex lives in an apartment by herself not too far from my house.

 

Maybe I need to stop thinking about her at all....or find someone new (rebound =\ ) It's hard to not think about her when the divorce is still ongoing..ugh.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I will say last night she wasn't in my dream, though some of it was about her. At least it wasn't us being all cuddly...

 

Another thought I had was to realize I'm in a dream...but I think in 37 years I've only ever done that once and it was because the werewolf from Thriller was attacking my bunk bed (I was probably 11 or so)

[GuyInLimbo]

It's impossible to control your dreams, so don't bother trying. Dreams are an extension of your sub-consciousness. Often, an ex represents other things about you. It's not about them. I dated a girl for 8 or 9 years out of high school, haven't seen her in 15 and I still have dreams about her and her family. Take the context of the dreams and maybe spend some time analyzing them. It's usually not straightforward.

 

If your therapist is Freudian, he/she may be able to help you more.

[Feelin Frisky]

I still have dreams involving my first LTR. We split more than 20 years ago. I think if you really invest a lot in someone, you'll dream about them from time to time forever. I still sometimes smoke cigarettes in my dreams and wonder in the dream when I fell back into that terrible scourge. But then I wake up and realize I'm safe and more than 20 years have gone by since I stopped. Same thing happens with a hard drug I had a problem with. It made a permanent impression on me. But next year I will celebrate 20 years since my last use. Some things--including people--whom have given you great pleasure at some time, stay with your dreams. It gets less over time though.

[K Os]

Hi NH,

 

Dreams of my wife have been giving me some turbulence too - I know what you mean. We've been separated 6 months now, and haven't spoken since she left, only communicating in writing. Similarly to you, she lives not far away. I think for me, the dreams occur because separation wasn't my idea, and subconsciously I'm reaching out for the place where this all blows over and everything is ok and happy between us again. Like you, maybe this is because in waking life I know how unlikely that is to happen, and so I don't entertain these thoughts much consciously. Some of my dreams about her are unpleasant, she doesn't treat me well and I don't treat her well. I had a strong dream a week or so ago in which I was with her in her new house (I've never been there in reality). She told me she wanted to get back together and knew she'd made a terrible mess of everything. We hugged and I was relieved and grateful that the nightmare was finally over. Then I realised I could never take her back after all the things she has said and done. So it's a balance between the wish on the one hand, and the difficulties of ever reviving our relationship on the other.

 

I hate it because I go from reconciling at night to waking up and remembering how utterly impossible that is in the morning.

 

As you say, you're angry about it when you're awake. Maybe you're burying this wish-fulfilment part of what you feel too hard. This whole thing wasn't your idea, and you mention the positive aspects of your marriage too. Perhaps the dreams are just your outlet for the more extreme positive feelings that you still have, because you're forcing them out of your mind for the rest of the time. I think this is a lot of what's going on with me. I catch myself actively burying happy memories of her at the moment because they burn me up, so it's probably not surprising that positive feelings for her bubble up in my dreams. I think over time, if we stay apart and move on, these good/bad aspects will become more balanced and the reality of how difficult reconciliation would be will filter through both states, waking and dreaming.

 

I agree wholeheartedly though, dreaming about her bugs the hell out of me

[Ninja'sHusband]

Hi NH,

 

Dreams of my wife have been giving me some turbulence too - I know what you mean. We've been separated 6 months now, and haven't spoken since she left, only communicating in writing. Similarly to you, she lives not far away. I think for me, the dreams occur because separation wasn't my idea, and subconsciously I'm reaching out for the place where this all blows over and everything is ok and happy between us again. Like you, maybe this is because in waking life I know how unlikely that is to happen, and so I don't entertain these thoughts much consciously. Some of my dreams about her are unpleasant, she doesn't treat me well and I don't treat her well. I had a strong dream a week or so ago in which I was with her in her new house (I've never been there in reality). She told me she wanted to get back together and knew she'd made a terrible mess of everything. We hugged and I was relieved and grateful that the nightmare was finally over. Then I realised I could never take her back after all the things she has said and done. So it's a balance between the wish on the one hand, and the difficulties of ever reviving our relationship on the other.

 

 

 

As you say, you're angry about it when you're awake. Maybe you're burying this wish-fulfilment part of what you feel too hard. This whole thing wasn't your idea, and you mention the positive aspects of your marriage too. Perhaps the dreams are just your outlet for the more extreme positive feelings that you still have, because you're forcing them out of your mind for the rest of the time. I think this is a lot of what's going on with me. I catch myself actively burying happy memories of her at the moment because they burn me up, so it's probably not surprising that positive feelings for her bubble up in my dreams. I think over time, if we stay apart and move on, these good/bad aspects will become more balanced and the reality of how difficult reconciliation would be will filter through both states, waking and dreaming.

 

I agree wholeheartedly though, dreaming about her bugs the hell out of me

 

Yeah, I think this is really similar to how I feel. I don't necessarily push the positive out, but I do spend a lot of time being pissed over things I feel were\are unfair. I think I do have this lower level hope that things can somehow blow over and be ok, but when you look at it for real...yeah flippin right! What's weird is when we first got married I never dreamed about her. It took several years before that happened at all...and we had dated for like 4 years before that. I guess these things are slow to imprint, and slow to unprint.

 

I see her still for tiny brief periods as we drop off\pick up our daughter's violin or...my daughter She tries to be nice and conversational. I tend to say as little as possible, only opening up if its something necessary to share about DD.

[worldgonewrong]

My dreams of my ex-wife broken down into a few categories:

1. when we were separated, I used to have dreams of reconciliation.

2. as divorce became impending, I dreamed that she was trying to get back together with me, and that I was repulsed by her. At one point, in a dream, we were in bed together and she was trying to seduce me, and I would have none of it. In other dreams, she would approach me for conversation, and I would just leave the room quietly.

3. The most recent dream I had was one where she was following me and trying to get vindication from random strangers about why she had divorced me. I would just keep walking away from her, not caring.

[Act Two]

 

But hanging on to a past, where things were perfect, is not a way to confront a disappointing or harsh reality. This doesn't mean your ex is a bad person, or less beautiful and special. Or that you didn't have a nice marriage. But it ended. Understand WHY it ended, accept those reasons, and only when you've actually understood that there is NOTHING that you can do to change that reality, can you really start moving on.

 

you're not out of the woods yet.

 

the worst thing you can do, right now, is to live in denial and keep thinking about how wonderful the past was. you'll be poisoning your life - that's what those dreams ... talk to a specialist, if you feel like you need to. Getting proper sleep is essential in coping with the everyday life.

 

I like the post above because it explains where we all went to be after going through the cycles of grief. I know for me, I'm hanging out a lot in denial and sadness. When I read your post, I thought it sounds like you are anger by day but possibly denial by night. ?

 

Who says we have to process grief cleanly or in certain patterns? I think we go through multiple stages at the same time.

 

I also know for me I'll get really stuck on a memory of when times were better with my family and it almost seems like a dream- fuzzy and beautiful though. I have to remind myself of all of the times that really sucked though too to help me process the sadness.

 

I hope you reach acceptance soon, or at least in the meantime the dreams aren't so difficult.

[Steen719]

Dreams, nightmares; they all disturbed me. I had reconciliation dreams early on and woke up glad we were together and the mess was over. Up for a couple of seconds and ugh! Then there were the dreams when he pretended to want me to forgive him, only to discover he was still with another woman and wanted me to get out of the way so she would not see me (the gf he just broke up with was jealous of our long term marriage). In the mix, are dreams where we reconciled and I wake up so upset that I am back with him. LOL...nothing makes me happy!!! And lots of sex dreams - more early on than now. I'm scared of my subconscious - it seems pretty screwed up (jk).

 

Anyway, I just go with the dreams. Can't do anything about them and aside from a few crummy mornings, they haven't hurt me. I think it is just part of it. I have them less than I used to.

[Javabear]

I have dreams about my ex all the time. We've been broken up for four months now and I think about him everyday. It is only natural that these thoughts will transfer themselves into my subconscious. The worst part about the dreams is that they're all happy. We're holding hands together and having fun. There are no arguments and no tears. These dreams are just a projection of what I want the most. And there's absolutely nothing we can do about it. As much as we're encouraged to forget the exes that have wronged us and move on to something better, it's nearly impossible to do so when our hearts are not in it. My heart is still with him no matter how much I'd like it be with me. I wish there was something I could say to help, but just know that you're not alone.

[whichwayisup]

Could be still, part of your grieving process.. I wouldn't read much into it and don't let it affect you once you're awake.

[Steadfast]

I still dream about my ex...but it isn't specific anymore. Nothing I can remember after waking. This year it'll be five years since we split. Hard to believe. Sometimes it feels like longer. Other times, like yesterday.

 

I'm not an expert, but I do believe what we think about awake we dream about asleep. There are exceptions, but it's generally true. I was deeply troubled by dreams early on. I still remember them. The main theme? I was powerless to stop what was happening. That really did mirror reality and it was one I didn't like. So I focused on...not focusing. That helped, but didn't erase them entirely. But, I've leaned to accept what I can't control.

 

It seldom happens now, but if I have a really disturbing dream (those usually involve our old family life...or structure...when the kids were little) I get up, drink a glass of water and ask "What was that all about?"

 

But look...that was my family. I was dad. Four kids, a dog, a beautiful (I thought) wife and a house to take care of. I loved it. I loved them. I always will. How could I not? Will I punish myself for dreaming about that? No.

 

It is what it is. True saying. I probably won't dream when I'm dead. I'm not ready to be dead yet. Otherwise, I keep it positive and keep moving. Dreams will haunt you if you allow them to. I look, then put them away.

[jaymz]

Used to get the same sort of dreams for the first year or so, now very rarely.

 

The reconciliation and sex dreams were very disorientating at first but dealing with them like steadfast has suggested really helped. I am near 2 years from d-day, nice to know they continue for at least another 3 years more

 

whichwayisup has hit the nail on the head, its all part of the process.

[96nole]

Well, there's no way to control or stop dreams, unfortunately.

 

It seems to me your dreams are your subconscious trying to protect you. In the real world you are tormented by what SHE did to you. I know your history and I'm sure what she did could be classified as crimes against humanity. What would calm or end the torment would be for all to have never happened or to get back together and be a happy family. Those dreams calm you and give you peace for a short period of time. Then you wake up and the torment begins again.

 

I think once everything starts to calm down a bit ( you're still in the storm), those dreams will lessen and be different. At least it did for me.

 

I haven't dreamt of my ex much. But in the past month I've had two. I had one last week that I wrote about in another post that I think you read. Me and her were getting back together. I was so disgusted by her I couldn't talk to her because if I did I would have thrown up.

 

I had another one last month that was very vivid. She and I were on a cruise ship. The ship hit something. At first we were all notified that we were not going to have to get off the ship, but we should get our life vests on. I had mine but we could not find one for her. I looked all over for one for her. I went from room to room opening cabinets searching for a life vest for her. I asked crew members to help me. They couldn't find one for her. I ran into a friend of mine. He tried to help. As I was going back to the room I left her in, I noticed everyone was getting into the life boats. The ship was sinking. I got to her and told her I couldn't find a life vest for her. That's when I woke up.

 

If you're losing sleep because of the dreams you're having, perhaps you can get some sleep aids. Careful of the powerful ones, those things sound dangerous.

[worldgonewrong]

I had another one last month that was very vivid. She and I were on a cruise ship. The ship hit something. At first we were all notified that we were not going to have to get off the ship, but we should get our life vests on. I had mine but we could not find one for her. I looked all over for one for her. I went from room to room opening cabinets searching for a life vest for her. I asked crew members to help me. They couldn't find one for her. I ran into a friend of mine. He tried to help. As I was going back to the room I left her in, I noticed everyone was getting into the life boats. The ship was sinking. I got to her and told her I couldn't find a life vest for her.

 

...And then I said, "Ask the OM if you can borrow his lifejacket, sweetheart. Ciao!"

[NYWoman]

Many years ago I screwed up my first marriage to a wonderful guy that I didn't realize how lucky I was until he walked out. This was all my doing, and I am still haunted in my dreams. It acts like a reminder

[aMguilts]

ah the dreams!!

 

I wake up at least 3 times a night, drenched in sweat, cold and wishing i could lay back and dream a happy dream for just once, and in the morning wake up actually feeling `refreshed`

Dreaming is one of another unsolved mysteries, why we do it and what the hell it means when we do

 

 

aM

[aMguilts]

Many years ago I screwed up my first marriage to a wonderful guy that I didn't realize how lucky I was until he walked out. This was all my doing, and I am still haunted in my dreams. It acts like a reminder

 

maybe we relive our lives out when we sleep?

 

aM

[jaymz]

ah the dreams!!

 

I wake up at least 3 times a night, drenched in sweat, cold and wishing i could lay back and dream a happy dream for just once, and in the morning wake up actually feeling `refreshed`

Dreaming is one of another unsolved mysteries, why we do it and what the hell it means when we do

 

 

aM

 

When I had those dreams I wouldn't wake up "refreshed", I would be in a horrible state for a good part of the day and asumed the same for everyone else. Odd how we all process things differently

[2.50 a gallon]

Even though it has been 30 plus years I still have 2 reoccuring nightmares.

 

First I'm back with the Ex, nough said

 

Second, I'm back working at a job that I worked at for almost 10 years, that I hated, with an idiot boss I totally detested.

 

Explain that

[aMguilts]

When I had those dreams I wouldn't wake up "refreshed", I would be in a horrible state for a good part of the day and asumed the same for everyone else. Odd how we all process things differently

 

i worded that wrong.

i cant remember the last time i slept and woke up refreshed

 

was what i meant to say.

I `dream` of my wife every night. Yes every night.

 

 

I hate going to sleep because i know that i will just dream of her.

Sometimes they are good dreams, most of the time thay are bad.

 

When i wake in the morning, whatever i dreampt.

i`ll still be me

 

aM

[aMguilts]

Even though it has been 30 plus years I still have 2 reoccuring nightmares.

 

First I'm back with the Ex, nough said

 

Second, I'm back working at a job that I worked at for almost 10 years, that I hated, with an idiot boss I totally detested.

 

Explain that

 

wish i could

 

aM