wheelmanron Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 I met my wife 10 years ago. We have been married for 8. She has a son who lives with us, now 20, who I accepted as my own, and I have a son, soon to be 14, who lives in another state with his mom. I visit him as often as we can afford the 600 mile round trip, and that has been a battle to get to happen on his moms end. Anyway, my wife and I have had our share of issues. But, I love her completely. Last year, she told me she wants a divorce, just before the foreclosure of our house. Then, while cleaning out the house, she moves in with a friend. I was staying at a friends place waiting for a room to open up, and she calls me she wants to get back together. So the search for an apartment began. We found a great place! It was everything we both wanted. We moved in. She told me it was a new beginning for us. A few months later, she started on the divorce kick again. I was devastated. I begged her to give me another chance. I thought she did. Fast forward a few more months, she tells me she is tired of being married, in the middle of a big court battle for me to get school records for my son, the time I need support most. Please don't get me wrong, I try not to be needy at all. I do all the repairs on our crappy car, I do most of the cooking, I clean(maybe not as often as I should), and I never ask for sex anymore, because I am tired of the broken promises and rejection. She complains about something, and I do my best to make her happy, or at least less unhappy, usually with a "Too little, too late" response. She even pushed me away when I wanted to cuddle on the couch. I can't take feeling like a roommate with my wife. A few of my faults-I am offended when she gets out of work and starts belittling me for no reason. She has told me to just let it go and she will calm down, but sometimes I react by telling her she has no right to talk to me like that. Which is what started the last fight. I get very upset when others expect more of me than themselves. I don't abuse her, I just tell her she has no right to treat me like that. And, about 6 years ago, an old girlfriend contacted me on fb. I was so desperate for some intimate contact that we had made plans to meet up for a night. Well, it never happened. I called it off, because as much as I wanted to, I could not do that to my wife, no matter how many broken promises she made to me about sex. I am devastated. We can't move forward for a few months because we are in a lease, and she expects me to act like nothing is wrong. She is upset with me because I am moping around the place. She told me she wants her old life back. The life she has complained about. She is very intelligent, and she craves stimulating conversation, but she wants to go back to her old drinking friends, the ones who only talk to her when she is buying and driving. Her words, not mine. I never tried to stop her except when I learned some of her friends are the ex boyfriends that used to physically abuse her. Then I told her I didn't want her to see them, especially when one of them came to my work in a rage, telling me to stop hurting her. They went to lunch that day. I have no idea if she has cheated on me, I don't think so. Last week, she told me she has wanted a divorce for at leas 5 years. I asked her why did we move into this apartment? She said she has no idea. The last time we went through this, she promised me we would work together to make the marriage work. I mentioned this to her, and asked her if that promise was empty of if she just changed her mind, which is something she does often, and it has caused many problems. She looked at me and said "That is a good question." I have always done everything I can to keep all my promises, and she goes back on her word because she changes her mind. We have lost money paid for events and plans because she changed her mind, and when I express frustration at this, she just tells me it is her right to change her mind. She does not acknowledge the difference between "Oh, I changed my mind, let's have chicken for dinner" and "I know I promised to go camping and rafting with you this weekend and you have been planning this for months, but you blew up at me last night for calling you stupid for forgetting to take chicken out of the freezer for dinner." Am I in the wrong? I have no one to turn to right now, as most of her friends are my friends, and I don't want them to only see my side of it, for her sake. Sorry about the book, I just had to get this out. Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 wheelmanron, I’ll primarily try to address the question that you asked in the title of this thread. To expect anything is an awfully strong word. We cannot expect anything in this world except that at some point we will die. Having said that... Can one have a reasonable expectation that a partner will respect what we bring to the relationship, whether that is the financial support or the help around the house? Can one have a reasonable expectation that a partner will provide a balanced amount of romance, love and intimacy? Can one have a reasonable expectation that a partner will support us when we are going through some life challenges of our own? Can one have a reasonable expectation that a partner will not belittle and degrade us for things like forgetting to take chicken out of the freezer? Can one have a reasonable expectation that a partner will keep a commitment to try to make a marriage work? The answer to these questions is largely YES, as long as one lives up to the same expectations for that partner. It sounds like you have certainly done your best. It sounds like your wife has given up on the marriage. There is not much in your story that points to the fact that she is willing to match your commitment to the relationship. I am sorry to have to ask this but with the way that she treats you, what is it that you find in the relationship to want to continue to work things out? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Last year, she told me she wants a divorce, just before the foreclosure of our house. Then, while cleaning out the house, she moves in with a friend. I was staying at a friends place waiting for a room to open up, and she calls me she wants to get back together. So the search for an apartment began. We found a great place! It was everything we both wanted. We moved in. She told me it was a new beginning for us. A few months later, she started on the divorce kick again. I was devastated. I begged her to give me another chance. I thought she did. Fast forward a few more months, she tells me she is tired of being married, in the middle of a big court battle for me to get school records for my son, the time I need support most. Why did she originally tell you she wanted a divorce? Unless you've left something out, she sounds almost bipolar. Has she ever been diagnosed with a mental illness? Her hokey-pokey approach to marriage with one foot in and one foot out also suggests an on-again off-again relationship with another person. Have you looked at email, cell phone records, bank statements, etc.? Some missing pieces here. Most women don't abruptly jump out of marriage unless there's a place to land... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 You bend over backwards enough for this woman you'll be a McDonald's arch. She wants out yet you've begged and pleaded for her to stay. Let her go, fighting for a marriage only works if two people are involved 2 Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Mr Lucky,asks a great question.Mental illness jumps to the forefront in my mind as well.It seems I have already been there and done that as you have. The broken promises,strange defenses as to belittling you and even the wasted money with no defense as to why she is doing it. You do need to give some information as to why you two are going through this...in your opinion. It is a bad spot my man,you are going to have to be strong or get more and more confused.I would suggest you back off and expect nothing from her right now.You need to sit down and ask some hard questions of yourself.You need to know what behaviors you will NOT accept in any relationships,ie; set your boundaries and stand your ground no natter what. If you continue to question yourself in this thing and not set boundaries for both of you,you will be miserable for a long time....I know! REVITUP Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Why do you even want her? She doesn't sound like much a catch to me. Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 maybe she is saying i feel like being with you is taking all the fun i once had. i want to go back to that feeling that joy . even if they where drinking etc. at least there was freedom and fun. A guy can be too nice to a woman and this guy sounds like he is trying too hard. Women don't always like (IMHO that would be most women) the nice guy. Sure, nice guys are OK to be around and the attention is nice. But they lose attraction for the nice guy in favor of the rough/bad guy, the guy with the mystery, the edge. It sounds to me like he is trying too hard to make her feel comfortable while she is being turned off by his sweetness and is looking for more mystery. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wheelmanron Posted February 14, 2013 Author Share Posted February 14, 2013 A guy can be too nice to a woman and this guy sounds like he is trying too hard. Women don't always like (IMHO that would be most women) the nice guy. Sure, nice guys are OK to be around and the attention is nice. But they lose attraction for the nice guy in favor of the rough/bad guy, the guy with the mystery, the edge. It sounds to me like he is trying too hard to make her feel comfortable while she is being turned off by his sweetness and is looking for more mystery. She told me last week that she wants romance. I was under the impression making her coffee and lunch every day for work, cooking and cleaning almost every day, warming the car up on cold mornings, maintaining her sporting equipment, and running errands that save her time was enough to prove I love her. Well, as I have recently read, that isn't enough, as women crave love. I have never learned to be the romantic type. We met at Spookyworld, a horror theme park, where we both worked as actors. There, I am crazy, bouncing off the walls, confrontational, LOUD, outgoing, and a part of the action. At home, I read, listen to music, I don't drink, do drugs or smoke at all. I didn't even drink coffee until we were together. Yet, everyone thinks I am just like my character in real life. She says she wants a person like she fell in love with. I am the same person. I have only changed my motorcycle, bicycle and shoes. When I try to be the person she remembers from Spookyworld, she tells me to calm down. I am confused all the time. I am no saint, but I try to be a good person. I was always under the impression that it was the little things that matter, and now she tells me that they don't matter, that I am too late with my efforts. What kills me is that the good times we have had were so good that I don't want to lose them. She is the best woman that has ever been in my life, and I tried so hard to keep her and all my efforts seem wasted. Thank you all for reading and responding. Who known what the future holds? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 She says she wants a person like she fell in love with. I am the same person. I have only changed my motorcycle, bicycle and shoes. Have you challenged her by asking her what she's bringing to the table in terms of addressing the issues she sees in your marriage? There's no great skill involved in simply pointing out problems - they're there and everyone sees them. The heavy lifting comes in addressing the issues and making the changes, sometimes a scary thought for everyone involved. You seem like natural candidates for MC. If she won't go and make a good-faith effort, I'd start making single plans... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts