should i stop revenge affair

[lonelyinnj]

I have been married 11 years, and the past 4 have not been good, no sex no communication, total breakdown of marriage. We have two children 6 and 3, she doesn't seem interested in staying in for them.

 

I started it... I was aloof, distant and not involved - classic ADHD for which I am now being treated.. I was traveling for business and went overseas and went to some nude massage places where sex was not involved but it was a nude massage nonetheless and realize I crossed the line. My wife found photos and filed for divorce, now we are separated but living in same building.

 

She has gone out and started a revenge affair with a coworker, which I found out about a few weeks in and confronted her. She continues with the revenge affair and won't stop. She knows it is killing me and now is flaunting the affair and I think it now it is a full fledged affair. I know when she goes out as I watch the kids and know she doesn't come home.

 

I don't know what to do - some say confront her and give an ultimatum, but she has said that she doesn't want to reconcile. She is being cordial for the kids, and only is starting to yell at me. She has no interest in family activities where I am there also.

 

I texted her yesterday that I heard her on the phone through the wall (yes we live that close), she said she will be more 'discreet'.. i responded I know that she won't stop seeing him as sad as that is.... she replied That's a bit extreme - I don't know what the future is.

 

She says she has no long term plans, but she constantly is phoning, texting and going out every free moment with him.

 

I have been doing a 180 and done well with it, she did notice but doesn't care, I am so much better person than before and am in therapy.

 

However - with V-day coming and its been 2 months since D-day, I don't know what to do. I am worried confronting her will only drive her further away, she is running on endorphins from this guy that is far less attractive than her, I know she is still very hurt and vulnerable and he is taking full advantage of that.

 

Should I tell her that he is manipulating her? He is a recent divorcee and basically coaching her to distance from me since D-Day. He was her post D-day confidant now is her OM. She tells him everything and since he is very biased and subjective I am sure he puts everything in a negative light.

 

She has pretty much avoided doing anything with me involved though we see each other daily as I take the kids in the morning.

 

Should I tell her that I can't take anymore and I am done, I'm moving on?

I don't know how much more I can take - the revenge affair I almost understood, but now it is just cruel.

 

I am pretty sure if I tell her me or him, I'm not going to win (20:1 odds), she might not answer and change in a few weeks, but I don't like where this is heading, they are talking and seeing each other more and more, and that leaves me I believe no option...

 

help.

[anne1707]

I'm sorry but what makes you think he is manipulating her or coaching her?

 

Also some would argue that seeing as she has filed for divorce then this is not an affair. (and yes, I know some will always say it is an affair until the divorce is finalised but this relationship is out in the open and after the marriage has broken down).

[BetrayedH]

If she hasn't already filed for divorce, then you should.

 

By your own admission, your actions were wrong. However, she does not get to stay married and act like she is single. If you want to pop the affair bubble she's living in, you stop being an enabler. Her actions are unacceptable for a married woman. There are consequences for dating while married. You should also stop being the babysitter. She arranges for her own child care on her custody days and you do the same. Convenient? Nope. That's the point. Show her the reality of her choices.

 

Your filing for divorce will either wake her up to those consequences (in which case you can stop the proceedings) or you'll be in the road to the divorce you need.

[lonelyinnj]

Yes I could see that saying she has filed for divorce it is not an affair -, it is a reaction to what I did - but I didn't even have the divorce papers in hand before this started. Weird - She has never yelled at me for what I did -, but I can see she is still very hurt, nail marks on arms and such. She ran out when the topic of my overseas antics came up to cry in the bathroom.

 

Why did she so quickly go out and find a guy? 3 weeks (maybe less).

 

How is he influencing?? He started talking to her a few days before the divorce was filed - i think hit on her at a holiday party. Father of two, seperated supposedly for awile then divorced. I don't know why. But everytime she wanted to vent, she did it to him and then I think he reflected back yes that is bad.

 

You talk to a therapist you get objective advise... the OM is clearly skewing everything she says to him in his favor. How the hell can I stop that? Other than walking away?

 

He knew she is very vulnerable, yet played her like a fiddle, getting her into music he likes, taking her to a concert of a band she loves, using every bit of information he got about her through her confessions.

 

She recently took down all our together photos at our house.. through out old stuff we had bought together.. she had not even considered that before, I can feel him pulling the strings... to separate and divorce you need to do step 1 step 2 step 3... Now swept free of our 'things' and only a bit of my clothes remain.

 

Influence: I know he has assured her there will be no effect on the kids... pickup and dropoff is no big deal. Being a part time parent is great - you get to go out on friday and every other weekend, and then see your children when you like. Everything is rosy on that side of the fence. Mediation is the simpliest divorce i think he told her to do that.

 

at this point we are in a horrible limbo, we are separated but see each other nearly everyday, she communicates about the kids and her day, then she has this OM that she goes to see and talks to every night via chat or phone.

 

I have been supporting her 'addicition' by buying all groceries, being Mr. Mom for my daughters trying to protect them from all of this. But I feel I am being used... I can't get up extra early to help her out (or should I just do it and smile?). I feel like I am feeding the addiction by letting her do wtf she wants.

 

So do I completely cut her off, no communication, no nothing unless it involves the kids? damn she just texted me she is having a bad day...wtf...

why is she telling me that? i am really starting not to care anymore.

 

I want to respond - why's that? to care, but my heart is hardening.

[lonelyinnj]

She has filed. I specifically asked for separation to give us time to figure everything out, what is the rush? divorce is permanent, separation gives us time.

 

I want to confront her. To tell her I'm done - but torn between just biting my lip and riding this out, and just walking away and let the cards fall as they may.

 

I heard her on the phone laughing... that killed me... it is clear this is not going to end anytime soon and it seems to be escalating.

 

Here is what I wrote.

 

I can't compete against you laughing like that.. i remember us like that.. i remember our talking and texting like you mad. i know you said you are living for the day but you are making plans weeks out with him. I am consigned you are not stopping i can see things clearly now.

 

i have been seeking completely objective opinions on myself, and our former marriage. how to be better to fix our problems of the pas. however you have discussed everything with him and he is purely subjective with an agenda. He posted on facebook before you were together he was trying to impress a girl. i think his intentions have always been clear.

 

I have confessed honestly with what I have done and subsequently cutoff all contact with anyone i know overseas. i told you i wouldn't go anymore and have given you separation and space.

 

I am sure he will do something amazing for valentines day. you look like a model now and way better looking than he or his ex wife.

 

So go be happy, enjoy valentines day and i need to move on.

 

I am so terribly afraid this will end it all is this LRT?

[lonelyinnj]

She has constructed the calendar to match his custody days so there is no 'childcare' issues for her. plus we have a babysitter we use alot.

 

She asked me to pick up some groceries, i feel like I just need to say look. you have him. i have to take care of me. you can't have me and him. i can't do stuff for you while you spend time with him.

[lonelyinnj]

Actually the affair was quite hidden for the first 6 weeks, i confronted her and asked if she was seeing someone she said how dare you accuse me of that>!! but she was... i figured it out on my own... too much bad lying.

[anne1707]

I'm sorry but I still don't see all his actions as manipulation. He is a friend - maybe more - but you messed up and she filed for divorce. She is entitled to move on with her life. She is entitled to talk to others, to go out, to listen to music. She is not messing you around on childcare. She tried to be discreet at first but you confronted her.

 

Unfortunately you are only now realising what you have lost.

 

This is not about you showing her the reality of the situation. This is her showing you the reality.

[Jabba]

OP aside from whether or not to call what's she doing an affair or not, it sounds like she filed for divorce for real and not as some kind of a bluff or out of anger at you. Divorce filing + affair/new boyfriend = your marriage is over and she's moving on.

 

 

she has said that she doesn't want to reconcile

 

That's what you need to do, too.

 

Try to cooperate with her for the sake of your kids.

 

But really her social life is not really any of your business any longer (as long as the kids aren't exposed to it in a negative way).

 

Kate Smith is singing "God Bless America."

 

It's over.

Edited February 11, 2013 by Jabba

[jwi71]

Sometimes we make mistakes - or have lapses in judgement - from which there is no recovery. This appears to be one. Once your stbxw discovered this nude massage - she filed for D and also began the emotional process of leaving you. Although one might suspect, given your description of the M, she had a foot out the door before this.

 

While it is "technically" true that this is an A - the reality is not so much. She filed, moved out and is fully free to pursue whomever she wants for whatever she wants - even if its "technically" still an A.

 

Sorry you find yourself here - it does get better in time. Life will be good again in the future.

[CptSaveAho]

Should retitle this a "breakup affair" not "revenge affair"

 

She wants to be broken up... the other guy isnt manipulating her, if anything its the other way around she's using him or they are both using each other

 

Time to learn from your mistakes and move forward

[lonelyinnj]

Ok not exactly what I wanted to hear...

 

I want to fight for our marriage, she either doesn't or isn't ready. anyone have that happen?

 

My gut says she is torn, between this new infatuation and trying to keep me around (kiting me). She just keeps giving me these windows to her heart. Telling me about how we have this great history, connection, we have known each other 20 years and were good friends for most of it. When I say she has made her choice and will never end it with him. she said thats extreme and she doesn't know what the future is, I certainly don't have any long term plans just living for the day. again why tell me this. why not say yes go away?

 

She texts me about her day and tells me about her work, but i can't be her friend with this new relationship she has. She keeps pulling on my heartstrings... wtf.

 

I think I have decided to tell her just that. I can't be around her seeing her in the morning knowing she isn't coming home, I need to distance myself from her, let her make her choices, and I am going to choose myself and my kids.

 

As much as it pains me and tell her to go be happy.

 

My gut says something in her wants to reconcile, but not now she is having too much fun. ugh.

[lonelyinnj]

So what is consensus on answering her when she texts about her day?

 

What should I do when she asks me to pick something up for her? give her back a dose of reality? Say we are separated? you have gone your way i must go mine?

[jwi71]

So what is consensus on answering her when she texts about her day?

 

What should I do when she asks me to pick something up for her? give her back a dose of reality? Say we are separated? you have gone your way i must go mine?

 

She doesn't want to R - at least not now. You can't make her.

 

I would tell her to not have any contact with you unless its about the kids or the D. Be honest...tell her you want it to work but you cannot continue as it is - that its torment for you for her to date <Joe Blow> and act, at times, that everything is fine between the two of you.

 

And she may do that JUST to torment you - well, what does that say? Should be simple to figure that out. She either respects your wishes or she doesn't - either way you have your answer.

 

Then ignore every call or text or email she sends unless its about the kids or the D. That means you DON'T contact her unless its about the kids or the D.

 

You keep going to to IC. You keep up your treatment. You focus on you and the kids.

 

This is one of those times, imo, that fighting for her drives her farther away. So, to get her back, you let her go. She MIGHT come back. Maybe not.

 

So...focus on you and the kids.

[lonelyinnj]

I think that is what I need to do. I can't be tortured like this, the **whatever** you want to call it was bad enough but I was sort of ok with her getting even, but now she is just being mean. It certainly isn't the woman I married.

 

She hasn't moved out. If she did that it probably would be easier, we have close contact because we are in same building and can't afford otherwise. Therefore I know too much of her business and that sucks.

 

I do think she is being mean... and hate it.

 

The reason I keep getting hope is her - she snooped in my backpack, on my computer, I left everything open to show I am honest. She found a ear warmer in my car and shouted 'who's is this?!'... jealously.. but of course it was our babysitters who took them to school. All these breadcrumbs but still out the door.

[lonelyinnj]

She doesn't want to R - at least not now. You can't make her.

 

This is one of those times, imo, that fighting for her drives her farther away. So, to get her back, you let her go. She MIGHT come back. Maybe not.

So...focus on you and the kids.

 

Somehow I think that is the sage advice. I just don't know how to do that and not be mean. What do I say?

[lonelyinnj]

Then ignore every call or text or email she sends unless its about the kids or the D. That means you DON'T contact her unless its about the kids or the D.

 

When she is out she always texts are the kids ok? One time I decided not to reply to her which made her furious. If she is out doing her thing and I have the kids shouldn't she NOT ask me if they are ok?

[anne1707]

Just tell her that you will let her know if they are not OK or there is a problem and that there is no need for her to text for updates

[Spark1111]

I think for the sake of your sanity either she is all in or all out.

 

obviously, you cannot fix a broken marriage when there are three people in it.

 

not when you did it, and not when she is doing it now.

 

yes, she is displaying ambivalence and has two feet in two separate relationships.

 

Lay it on the line: I love you, I am sorry I broke your heart. it was the stupidest thing in the world that I did and I have been willing to fix me and fix us.

 

but I can no longer invest in us because you have filed for divorce and are now seeing someone else.

 

other than child care, please do not contact me or ask me how I am. it is too painful for me.

 

I wish you and fill in the blank every happiness.

 

And then focus on you and the future you envision for yourself and your children.

 

Make the break. You cannot control what someone else does. you can only control your reaction to it.

 

She is fence-sitting and very well may want to punish you for your actions.

 

but you do not have to accept it.

[lonelyinnj]

So I need to stop being so amiable. Helping get groceries

And waking up early making her life easy.

 

I thought being nice being there for her would work but I think it's backfiring

 

This is so fn hard. But it seems I need to save me now

 

I was told by a friend to smile and bear it... Bad strategy I guess

Edited February 11, 2013 by lonelyinnj

[Spark1111]

So I need to stop being so amiable. Helping get groceries

And waking up early making her life easy.

 

I thought being nice being there for her would work but I think it's backfiring

 

This is so fn hard. But it seems I need to save me now

 

I was told by a friend to smile and bear it... Bad strategy I guess

 

very bad strategy. You can't nice someone back to you.

 

It takes only ONE to lob a grenade into a marriage, but it takes two, committed with all their heart and soul, to put humpy-dumpy back together again.

 

Reconciliation is NOT for the faint of heart and IS impossible when there is a third party involved.

 

Tell her exactly how you feel and why. Then keep working on you.

 

between your guilt, which is making you too nice and too accepting, and her rage and intent to punish you....this is not working.

 

sometimes we need to fight for someone we love by not accepting unacceptable behavior....and if dating another man while you watch the kids for them isn't an unacceptable situation...I don't know what is!

[lonelyinnj]

Ok going to tell her that we need full seperation

I can't be this way anymore. Going to ask her to move upstairs since I am not planning on seeing anyone

 

I then won't know when she comes and goes

 

I will care less and feel better. I guess this is LRT time

Maybe we will heal maybe we are doomed

 

Fk this hurts

[lonelyinnj]

 

between your guilt, which is making you too nice and too accepting, and her rage and intent to punish you....this is not working.

 

sometimes we need to fight for someone we love by not accepting unacceptable behavior....and if dating another man while you watch the kids for them isn't an unacceptable situation...I don't know what is!

 

Thank you for your insight you are right my guilt has made me too nice and she

Is taking advantage if that and punishing me. I can think if things she says

Like oh my tickets might be cancelled and ill be home then stays out all night knowing fully well that was a lie

 

Regardless that this is after the filing she is being really mean and unfair and rubbing everything in my face.

 

I can't get better just being nice to her I need to spend all my energy on me and the girls and let her go heal herself however that is

 

I worry because she will get primary custody if divorce proceeds just the way it is nearly everywhere I hope to stipulate location here

So they don't change schools

 

Right now I can just hope the seperation agreement is all that she wants she has been amiable to that idea and had documents made but never gave them to me yet. In a sense she is dragging her feet but somedays she threatens to fully seperate days and I don't think she understands what that entails

 

Sorry I ramble I am so hurt and confused how to solve this... Everyone agree I need to stop being a doormat because I feel guilty? Let her work her anger out

[lonelyinnj]

I am truly sorry for breaking her heart. I am simply

Accepting the consequences and hope that before final seperation she sees

My true honest regret, and has an ounce of love for me

 

Sad， lonely, self-loathing, pain

 

So sorry.

[Spark1111]

Don't just let her see it. Tell her! But now you have to get strong and away for you!

 

how can she respect a man so crippled by guilt that he no longer respects himself?

 

two wrongs NEVER make a right. now, all you have is toxic and unhealthy. be kind, be calm, but be resolute and stop accepting unacceptable behavior!

 

take your dog out of her fight. You will grieve, you will mourn but you need to proceed into your future....with or without her!

 

get busy on you. call friends, hit the gym, take classes, please continue with IC. stop being available for family-oriented chit chat all day long.

 

Right now, she STILL has you for security and her bf for new and exciting. This is NO different than a man with a mistress and he strings both women along as they each fill different needs.

 

it's called cake eating and it stops when you say it does.

 

Say it today. put your foot down. Gain your self-respect back. get stronger. you have daughters you must be a role model for.