should i stop revenge affair

[Jabba]

SHE has already filed for divorce because of the OP's past behaviours

 

It sounds like she filed for divorce because she found a replacement model.

[anne1707]

It sounds like she filed for divorce because she found a replacement model.

 

And his 50+ photos, nude massages, porn collection etc were totally irrelevant of course.

 

The marriage is a complete mess. Either way, the OP needs to move on and get on with his life. Is there really this need to go on about who filed and why when that is a done deal?

[2long]

To make the process of letting go a little easier, there are two very important steps that you can take.

 

The first step is trusting. Trust that no matter what happens, you will be okay.

 

Now this doesn't mean that life will turn out the way that you want it to. Life often doesn't. Trust is knowing that however life turns out, you will be fine.

 

When you know that you will be fine, letting go becomes relatively easy. As you let go, you restore your effectiveness and life works out great. This then reinforces the trust.

 

When you don't trust, life becomes very difficult. You fight, resist and hang on. You then make everything worse, which reinforces "don't trust."

 

Trust is actually a choice. Trust is something you create. It's a declaration. "I will be okay no matter what happens. I trust, just because I say so."

 

Trust is also telling the truth. You really will be fine no matter what happens. Life is only threatening when you resist. So stop resisting and trust. Trust that no matter what happens, you will be fine.

 

-excerpt from Bill Furgason, "How to Divorce as Friends" (but it's about detaching): Save Your Marriage

 

-ol' 2long

[Jabba]

And his 50+ photos, nude massages, porn collection etc were totally irrelevant of course.

 

The marriage is a complete mess. Either way, the OP needs to move on and get on with his life. Is there really this need to go on about who filed and why when that is a done deal?

 

You were the one who brought it up in the first place, I was simply responding to your remark.

[anne1707]

You were the one who brought it up in the first place, I was simply responding to your remark.

 

No I did not bring it up first. Someone told the OP to file but she already has. I clarified that. That's all. And my point still stands - one of them has already filed for divorce so this part of the discussion is totally irrelevant. What is relevant is how the OP can be helped to deal with the situation he is now in.

[lonelyinnj]

I did what spark said it was too much in my own words she told me to stop speaking like a therapist... Cold

 

We will meet later to discuss schedule I expect it to escalate

I don't know if I can't stop getting angry but I can be calm and

Say what she did is cruel. If she wanted this to be amiable she could have talked

To me not run off after the kids went to sleep twice and not show up other times until late morning or afternoon on "her" days she will blame it on not having a schedule but it seems done... Really the vote is to move divorce forward rather than a 3 month separation then start divorce?

[2long]

I did what spark said it was too much in my own words she told me to stop speaking like a therapist... Cold

 

Do you see now how you ruin your whole day by trying 2 engage in conversation with her about this?

 

We will meet later to discuss schedule I expect it to escalate

 

Then why meet?

 

I don't know if I can't stop getting angry but I can be calm and

Say what she did is cruel.

 

But you must have expected it 2 "escalate" when you told her that what she did - that makes her feel good after what you did - was 'cruel'? Stop having these conversations, they're not helping.

 

If she wanted this to be amiable she could have talked

To me not run off after the kids went to sleep twice and not show up other times until late morning or afternoon on "her" days she will blame it on not having a schedule but it seems done... Really the vote is to move divorce forward rather than a 3 month separation then start divorce?

 

You do what YOU need 2 do and when. Not when a bunch of anonymous posters think you should act. We can only get frustrated. You have 2 live with your choices. We can close the web page and do something else. You have 2 live...

 

I ac2ally know of one couple who divorced amicably. It's very rare. Most divorces are painful and leave a lot of emotional wreckage in their wakes. From your description of events and things being said now, you're highly unlikely 2 have an amicable divorce or separation unless a major shift in thinking on BOTH your parts occurs, and I just don't see that happening.

 

Be careful. Lawyer up.

 

-ol' 2long

[Jonah]

You must now emotionally detach from your enemy and prepare yourself for legal war. Get a good lawyer. You will need it.

[lonelyinnj]

 

Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. It makes the fondness grow absent.

-ol' 2long

 

Funny that was my philosophy if only I were around and she saw the better kinder nicer involved me she might soften. However that only enabled her

To abuse my guilt and make me hurt more than I was

 

I can't change her mind she has to or we are done. I will indeed go on

Yes I could start another family. Yes I still have my health and

Will have my girls 1/2 of the time.

 

I at least know I tried to save this marriage I put everything I had and suffered incredible torment trying to save this but she did not soften did not try.

 

Somehow I thought this tragedy would change our ****ty marriage into a good one. That through my indescretion and her torment of me we could start to rebuild. But instead she walked away. I accept responsibility for the final action but the failing marriage was both our faults.

 

My final stupidity was the result of years of mental torture for both of us.

It wasn't a sudden change of heart

[Spark1111]

You are sounding stronger, calmer, and more resolute. I applaud you for this!

 

what is your next steps LINJ?

 

What will you do to empower you?

[lonelyinnj]

I have been working out, I will join a gym for the days I am not in charge of kids. Actually going to go out to dinner by myself to try out a place i have wanted to for a long time but could never get her to go or get a babysitter...

 

I am calmer.. I didn't yell but kind of ****ed up the scheduling tonite. I came down with my calendar and was trying to explain that January which I had 2/3 of days simply doesn't work because she wants to go out. She had been pushing for schedule late january but never set and she dumped time on me.

 

I simply wanted to show that I had too much dumped on me for time and overnights so she could 'explore'. instead she took that to be she was a bad mom which was not my intention. I simply had notes on calendar of which days she was out and didn't come home (perhaps the truth in writing is more real than it is in your head).

 

She got pissed, I left. Sent email with schedule for the next 10 days. then we have to discuss after that, trying to make a cleaner break, a space for me and kids.

 

Took my girls to a dance tonite, had lots of fun... I am not moping by any sense anymore. I realize the only things I can control is me and the quality time with my children. I plan a nice dinner for them after which she is supposed to take them, we'll see if she shows.

[BetrayedH]

Document as much time with your kids as possible (>50%). If the kids are doing well, a judge is unlikely to want to change that formula. In my state, past precedent of positive results is very powerful in determining a custody agreement.

[Absewarrior]

lonely: Do you see that your marriage has been over for a long time? if it wasn't, you wouldn't have lost communication, you wouldn't have needed to go see massage nudists or obsess over porn, she wouldn't have wanted to distrust you enough to find out your indiscretions, etc. your marrige was already over...you lost your love and respect when you decided to cheat and she decided to give up on you because of your behaviors.

The only thing that is important now is to protect your children from the aftermath of both of your failures as spouses. it doesn't matter what either of you want...your kids are all that matters. You brought them into this world with the expectation that you would be good people, and you haven't been, either of you. Get them into therapy and make sure they know that they did nothing wrong. You won't even see the harm this can bring until years down the line with children if you don't make sure they are okay right now. You both screwed up, don't make them suffer. Live your life for them now and let her make her own way in the world with someone who she is using because you failed her, then find some friends and rebuild your other relationships and make yourself the kind of man who will never throw away a committed relationship over T&A ever again. Take care of your children...you are all they have in this world so you two better work things out to best benefit them. Get away from each other even if you have to move in with parents and make sure you are there everytime you tell your kids you will be there. You can make yourself a great man from all of this nonsense...so man up and do it.

AW

Edited February 14, 2013 by Absewarrior

[lonelyinnj]

She was asked to speak about schedule this AM and was remorseful for what she did seeing it on paper with a day tally certainly made it more clear. We set a schedule I was calm and resolute. She was pretty honest I think with herself, today vday she is going out I think we'll see she was wavering.

 

We agreed to schedule for rest of month. How rigid or flexible should schedules be?

 

I know our marriage was very very bad in the end and that was the cause of the stupidity. But I chose stupidity over trying. But yet we still have something there.

 

Time to be free for me and her to both find our ways. Maybe they'll cross maybe not. I'm done obsessing.

 

Thanks all for your insight. I think some of you are way too bitter though

[Chi townD]

Thanks all for your insight. I think some of you are way too bitter though

 

 

No, I think people have been in your shoes and don't like to see yiou get screwed araound.

 

Look, you're no saint. You screwed up big time. But, what she's doing to you is just plain cruel. And people don't like to see that.

 

That's all.

[lonelyinnj]

I think now she is plain cruel to her children, at least I can say I tried

She cannot. But I can only change me not her and I think that reality

Might set in someday but that might be too late

[Darth Vader]

I think now she is plain cruel to her children, at least I can say I tried

She cannot. But I can only change me not her and I think that reality

Might set in someday but that might be too late

 

 

It's already too late, after all, she exposed her children to the sounds of her screwing her OM through the walls! Obviously, they will come to know as they get older what was going on and that it was their mother screwing around on you (their father), hurting you and doing it with malicious intentional cruelty! That's not the way she should teach her children to behave in any relationship! Chances are, your children will remember this and may end up hating her for it! I say, you need to lose this cancer and drop her ass!

 

Sure, you screwed up, but you didn't screw around on her. She's the one who made the choice all her own to escalate the situation.

 

Lastly, I have a feeling by the way you mentioned her and this OM meeting before the photos were found out, that she had already considered screwing this man and was looking for any excuse to have an affair, obviously, she found one! So DON'T ever blame yourself for your wife's affair, that's all her fault, not yours!

[lonelyinnj]

She didn't carry out anything at home (yet). The children only know that she was 'working late/early'. But they deep down know something is up. Too weird to work late on a friday and then not show up until after they are awake.. that is perverse treatment of your children.

 

She simply lied about working late (she does often work late just not ever on that day).

 

Completely ugly, and disrespectful to them. Irrational. I know she wasn't in a clear state of mind, but you have to keep your children safe.

 

I am simply staying away from her completely unless to pickup the kids. No need to be around someone who would do and continue to do that. She is trying to be more discreet around them by scheduling during week, but eventually she will see that she isn't seeing the kids and mothering 101 will kick in. Then she might be ready but I am prepping for my future now, and given my current physical shape (thin athletic) that shouldn't be an issue.

 

Hell the waitress hit on me last night...

[lonelyinnj]

Children don't know anything right now. There is not a way for them to sleep in other space. She agreed to stay away or sleep on couch on my days with kids no contact. Part of the problem is she was getting some contact even on my days from the midnight potty runs and dream wakes

 

Now days without contact will be more real. I will also choose not to see kids in morning as that will be more real feel of the future.

 

Don't want to buy better that and her to maybe awaken than them in broken household.

 

This will suck for the kids as they have lived the ever present dad.

 

Picking up flowers for my girls now we are going out tonite

[Oberfeldwebel]

You have made some good progress. You acknowledge that what you did was stupid and counter productive to your own good. That is something that you cannot change, it is what it is and you have owned that part. She was obviously hurt by your actions and has reacted negatively. However she does not she what she has done as retribution as it was ex post facto from your transgression. In her mind the relationship was over and she was free. To you it was a wake up call. You too are not on the same page, so all of your good actions have gone for not and in fact have been used against you and have hurt you. The more your over the more she has taken advantage of the situation. You can't change her you can only change you. What I would offer in advise will not guarantee that she will come back, but it won't hurt the situation. However, it is intended to help you go gain perspective and will help you regardless of what she does.

 

1. Space - you need to find a place that gets you away from her. You can't hope to heal being this close to her.

 

2. Schedule - You need a schedule for the children, that you pick them up on this day and return them this day. This will help the children because they will know what to expect. The unknown is the hardest for the children.

 

3. Peace - You don't need to be her buddy or friend, but you do need peace and civility between you two. Absolutely no bad mouthing one another in front of the children. This is out of respect to your children, regardless of what you think of her or how hurtful she has been to you personally.

 

4. Contact only for legal or children. If she sends you a text about her day, do not respond. If she asks you a question about the children, don't feel compelled to respond immediately, unless children are ill. When you do respond be direct and to the point (e.g. How are the children?......Fine, went to bed at 9). You don't need to exchange chit chat or other niceties.

 

5. Fill Void - You need to fill this void you have with good things. Explore a hobby that you have or have wanted to do. Volunteer to do things to help others (homeless or animal shelter), something to take the focus off of you.

 

6. Bottom Line - None of this may bring her back, she has already told you that she is not and I think you have to take her at her word. I recommend that you do not date or at least not from a vengeful position as it it not fair to the other person, who does not deserve that treatment. As a general rule I recommend that you get rid of one relationship before you start another. You know you made mistakes, try to learn why you got to this point and how you can avoid this in the future.

 

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it"

[lonelyinnj]

thanks for the advise. As today is vday I used babysitter to go out for a drink after my kids were asleep. I put then to bed and she went crazy text on me. Unfortunately I responded though civily saying I have the right to go get a drink

And she had the option if being home tomorrow and Saturday are her days I won't see them after morning and have them Sunday will tell her to get them ready for sleepover and just come in and go.

 

Minimize contact. I am no longer her husband or friend as much as that hurts

I need to do that for my sanity. Next Friday she has kids I have dinner reservations for one but will not tell her. I am going to tell her my business is my business hers is hers. Myob. In the nicest way possible。

 

The text was regarding the time of our babysitter which is 45 per week And I

Am telling her I get to choose how to use my 9 a day.

 

I am considering going on business trip which would drive her crazy or simply emphasize my past... It is a gamble any thoughts?

 

Right now distance seems my best option. She asked me to fix her shower which I adjusted but broke again saying else we have to use our money for plumber... Should I fix it just because she will say I broke it worse or just

Do my own thing. She tried to justify me fixing it by saying it costs money out if our account and since she will sleep upstairs on her days I will use it.

 

It is a 2 minute fix I think I should do that but I am not doing any other projects in our former joint residence

 

Incidentally I tried to discuss people not coming to our apts and she said she wouldn't bring people to our broken home... Couldn't unless everyone is away. But I am away this weekend and if she pulls that I will get restraining order against him? Thoughts?

[dreamingoftigers]

I think you made your bed with multiple women and have endured much less pain than she so far.

 

At least she's shot straight with you the full way by filing for D, being blunt and at worst having second thoughts or cold feet completing D.

 

You on the other hand premeditatedly, repeatedly and with photographs flushed your marriage into the septic tank.

 

You have nothing to stand on.

 

Quit playing games. There's no sense in getting a restraining order against OM.

 

I think it's great that she has an OM to have a fling with to get back her sexual self-esteem and coach her through her divorce.

 

Especially since you are already looking for your next female targets, hence mentioning the waitress.

 

This is going to work out better for her and everyone if you let her go.

 

If you were really 100% dedicated to the marriage, you'd let this go until it fizzled out. About 10 months should be the deadline considering that's what you did. It's only fair.

 

Move though, that's a bit much to put oneself through, and certainly the kids.

 

Typical wayward. "how could she do this to me?"

 

My cheating wasn't that bad! But it was because you completely blindsided her and crapper on 11 years of marriage. You broke the contract. Anything after that was almost fair game.

 

You TOOK PHOTOS. THAT BURNS IMAGES IN HER MIND. do you get why she hasn't been discreet? You sure weren't....

 

thanks for the advise. As today is vday I used babysitter to go out for a drink after my kids were asleep. I put then to bed and she went crazy text on me. Unfortunately I responded though civily saying I have the right to go get a drink

And she had the option if being home tomorrow and Saturday are her days I won't see them after morning and have them Sunday will tell her to get them ready for sleepover and just come in and go.

 

Minimize contact. I am no longer her husband or friend as much as that hurts

I need to do that for my sanity. Next Friday she has kids I have dinner reservations for one but will not tell her. I am going to tell her my business is my business hers is hers. Myob. In the nicest way possible。

 

The text was regarding the time of our babysitter which is 45 per week And I

Am telling her I get to choose how to use my 9 a day.

 

I am considering going on business trip which would drive her crazy or simply emphasize my past... It is a gamble any thoughts?

 

Right now distance seems my best option. She asked me to fix her shower which I adjusted but broke again saying else we have to use our money for plumber... Should I fix it just because she will say I broke it worse or just

Do my own thing. She tried to justify me fixing it by saying it costs money out if our account and since she will sleep upstairs on her days I will use it.

 

It is a 2 minute fix I think I should do that but I am not doing any other projects in our former joint residence

 

Incidentally I tried to discuss people not coming to our apts and she said she wouldn't bring people to our broken home... Couldn't unless everyone is away. But I am away this weekend and if she pulls that I will get restraining order against him? Thoughts?

[lonelyinnj]

I am not looking for targets not interested in dating, don't watch tv any more which I know I did to avoid fighting with her and since I didn't know how to fix marriage.

 

I truly love her and am truly regretful. I did not have an EA at all with these people and I guess her EA I feel it is unfair. But yes she is building esteem from this. She had always said she didn't believe in divorce but now seems 100% committed to it. I just thought we'd try trio work it out but yes it is only two months and she is still deeply hurt.

 

I went for drinks for two hours last night just to chill out

And my babysitter texted her that she was watching children

She went crazy that I would use our babysitter to go out

I don't know if it is because I went out or because I didn't "clear" it with her

Or ??? But it was within the allotted hours for that day

 

I didn't even talk to anyone just chilled out

 

Yes I need to get away and give her space I will do that...

We have schedule that should help

[Chi townD]

I think it's great that she has an OM to have a fling with to get back her sexual self-esteem and coach her through her divorce.

 

 

Wow! Really?!?! That's kinda harsh. I mean, he screwed up big time and people have said that to him several times on this thread. But, that's just.....wow.

[nofool4u]

Wow! Really?!?! That's kinda harsh. I mean, he screwed up big time and people have said that to him several times on this thread. But, that's just.....wow.

 

I agree. She has now become no better than him. But yes, he did screw up, so rather than complain, I think he just needs to forge forward with a divorce.