should i stop revenge affair

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you dreaming... yes i think a last letter is in order... then I think on the 9th the day after our anniversary, I am going to discuss moving forward...

 

I just talked to a mutual friend of ours, I'm emotionally spent - told her I don't know if I can/should stay in limbo any longer. Regardless if she was justified or not, it doesn't make it hurt me any less. I've reached that point where I don't know if I can hold my sanity and continue this. My friend suggested I have the talk.

 

Something along lines...

 

I don't understand what are we doing here. We are in limbo. I understand you are angry, I understand I disappointed you. If we are going to work on us, we need to start that and try now. (suggest counceling and perhaps a date night once a week - i am expecting no fkn way response). If we are not going to do that then we need to start the divorce proceedings. Divide the finances and figure out what to do with the properties.

 

(I expect the counter that it is best for kids to live next door) - But it is not healthy for me or you to continue our lives living next door. I can't live that way and don't think you want to either. We both need closure we both need to move on.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Half of me says wait a little longer bite my lip another month, hang in there and ignore, distance and see what happens, the other half says do the same while I am moving through the proceedings.

 

I feel like I'm giving an ultimatum, which I guess I am. But living this way only leads to a long separation followed by divorce rather than just moving on. I know that. My friend (who also talks to her) says she thinks she is confused... doesn't know what she wants, but very simply I can't live this way.

 

Honestly, I think that sometimes no one moves until someone does.

 

The letter.... 2-3 weeks-ish. Expect some heavy emotions and testing. You know the 180 drill.

 

If there's no response, call in " the talk."

 

But that's just me. You'll have a clearer picture after the letter. Don't expect a response right away. It' s a lot to digest. Make sure that the apology is separate from the want to get back together or anything else pushing relational.

 

You seem to still really want this marriage despite the beat-down. That's rare. I had the same "quirk." It paid off, eventually. She will of course not just be able to waltz back in and call it "things as usual." You have a long road ahead of you if you want to make a go of it. Plus, you will resent her on and off for a time.

 

Whatever you want to do.

[lonelyinnj]

Yes I have that "quirk"... I have known her 20+ years dated in college broke up stayed very good friends reunited married after a few years

 

We had that connection. The beat down yes, this isn't a met her and married her a year later thing... That might have been easier ... Perhaps why second marriages are less successful?

 

I think the letter than the talk sounds like a good idea ... I did compose something today but not finished... Need to revise and insure it is concise and addresses as you said. Very true apologizing outside the context of marriage is different. And I do feel that way.

 

Limiting communication but next few weeks filled with end if school year stuff requiring contact. Nite tonite was a contact night and she was not nice at all... Perhaps because I was and basically every teacher said hi to me... Plus my kids were ecstatic to see me... Super dad advantages... Yes I have become that guy and I know all their names! Even congratulated many in getting new roles next year.

 

I just need a plan moving forward and this sounds good I think the talk right now will only get an emotional jerk reaction... Our mutual friend suggested the talk and I might mention that during the talk in a few weeks

[lonelyinnj]

Honestly, I think that sometimes no one moves until someone does.

 

You seem to still really want this marriage despite the beat-down. That's rare. I had the same "quirk." It paid off, eventually. She will of course not just be able to waltz back in and call it "things as usual." You have a long road ahead of you if you want to make a go of it. Plus, you will resent her on and off for a time.

 

 

Yes I know long road and willing to walk it... And yes one of us has to do something and I guess that needs to be me

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes I have that "quirk"... I have known her 20+ years dated in college broke up stayed very good friends reunited married after a few years

 

We had that connection. The beat down yes, this isn't a met her and married her a year later thing... That might have been easier ... Perhaps why second marriages are less successful?

 

I think the letter than the talk sounds like a good idea ... I did compose something today but not finished... Need to revise and insure it is concise and addresses as you said. Very true apologizing outside the context of marriage is different. And I do feel that way.

 

Limiting communication but next few weeks filled with end if school year stuff requiring contact. Nite tonite was a contact night and she was not nice at all... Perhaps because I was and basically every teacher said hi to me... Plus my kids were ecstatic to see me... Super dad advantages... Yes I have become that guy and I know all their names! Even congratulated many in getting new roles next year.

 

I just need a plan moving forward and this sounds good I think the talk right now will only get an emotional jerk reaction... Our mutual friend suggested the talk and I might mention that during the talk in a few weeks

 

*clears throat* I just had my seventh wedding anniversary yesterday. The day before that was our eighth anniversary of having met and gotten together.

 

I still have the quirk.

 

Honestly, her being hateful is actually a better sign then her ignoring you or having washed her hands of you completely. If you read D. Remedy, you know that too.

 

But aside from any results, you will know that you have gone as far as you possibly could to salvage your family. You can tell your kids that when they grow older. It will help you sleep at night too. It helped me.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes I know long road and willing to walk it... And yes one of us has to do something and I guess that needs to be me

 

It typically is the more willing one.

 

I know that my marriage wouldn't be here in any form if I didn't go first on the road.

 

I got put through just about everything imaginable. Honestly. It made me stronger though. If I end up divorced, I know that I will be a great partner to someone else someday.

[Chi townD]

Update...

 

 

I get this text this morning..

 

"u have convinced yourself that I ruined our marriage when I know in my heart our marriage was getting better and I was working hard to repair it (example all the concerts and plays I booked). I know it was your infidelity that broke my heart and ill never be able to forgive you. I am not one to lament what I cannot change . Just because I decided to act on the facts I discovered does not make me a bad person or a bad mother. I have not "done" anything to you. You simply do not like my reaction to your infidelity.

 

It is no more complicated than that. If u were worried about losing me you would not have taken those pictures."

 

 

Yeah...okay...

 

blah..blah...all your fault...blah...blah...not "done" anything to you...just other guys......blah....blah..... You don't like me screwing a football team, tough toenails. Because, it's still all your fault......blah....blah.....not a bad person or bad mother, accept when I'm out ALL night doing (well, you know) and not seeing my kids until the next day. Well, it's still your fault!......blah....blah....

 

Dude, she blameshifting her current behaviors as being YOUR FAULT! Dude, you got a massage with a happy ending. She's been screwing and carrying on relationships with other men. She did it at first to HURT YOU, but then she got in too deep and fell in love with the lifestyle. Now, I truly believe she getting her rocks off seeing you hurt.

 

I said it before, when is enough going to be enough. See a lawyer and start getting your life back. She doesn't give a sh*t about you. When are you going to be done? How much more pain to you need? Seriously dude.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah...okay...

 

blah..blah...all your fault...blah...blah...not "done" anything to you...just other guys......blah....blah..... You don't like me screwing a football team, tough toenails. Because, it's still all your fault......blah....blah.....not a bad person or bad mother, accept when I'm out ALL night doing (well, you know) and not seeing my kids until the next day. Well, it's still your fault!......blah....blah....

 

Dude, she blameshifting her current behaviors as being YOUR FAULT! Dude, you got a massage with a happy ending. She's been screwing and carrying on relationships with other men. She did it at first to HURT YOU, but then she got in too deep and fell in love with the lifestyle. Now, I truly believe she getting her rocks off seeing you hurt.

 

I said it before, when is enough going to be enough. See a lawyer and start getting your life back. She doesn't give a sh*t about you. When are you going to be done? How much more pain to you need? Seriously dude.

 

I'm sure she is hooked on the lifestyle and justifying it.

 

100%.

 

Part of the reason I suggested the letter. Because if he sends a true apology, and makes the amends that he can. Well, then she's just hurting herself or playing around because she wants to. She loses her reason for beating him over the head with it.

 

Either way, he can sit knowing that he did what he could as far as he could. And she then has to realize that home is quickly disappearing and that "Fantasy Land" could be the prison she was actually trying to avoid.

 

Waywards go very strange places and get very strange ideas. A lot of that is chemical, another part of that is shame.

 

You are right. She may very well not give a sh*t. At the moment anyhow. She's been pretty messed up about this and if/when she does wake up, assuming she does, she is going to be in a world of hurt and shame. This stuff tends to catch up to people very badly.

 

And since it is somewhat societally lauded for men to play around, it will probably hit her harder, sooner. Along with mid-age and her kids resenting the Hell out of what she's doing to them.

 

He needs to make peace with this and be 110% sure before filing those papers that there's no hope. I can see that same pattern that I had. He won't let it go until he gets there. She needs to sh*t on him and some more genuine attempts for him to have his heart freeze completely over to the idea of putting his family back together. Plus the guilt he's feeling has to pass too.

[Chi townD]

First post was in the beginning of February and in that post he stated D-day was two months ago. She's been doing this to him for HALF A YEAR! How much more of her sh*tting on him does he have to endure?

[dreamingoftigers]

First post was in the beginning of February and in that post he stated D-day was two months ago. She's been doing this to him for HALF A YEAR! How much more of her sh*tting on him does he have to endure?

 

Until he says fu*k this, I fu*king quit and I'm 100% fu*king okay with that. I did everything I could and then some for me and the kids. Go on wife, I'll be okay without this Bullcrap in my life.

 

OR

 

Yay, I fu*king got this to fu*king work and I am happy about that.

[dreamingoftigers]

Until he says fu*k this, I fu*king quit and I'm 100% fu*king okay with that. I did everything I could and then some for me and the kids. Go on wife, I'll be okay without this Bullcrap in my life.

 

OR

 

Yay, I fu*king got this to fu*king work and I am happy about that.

 

Personally I do recommend having an exit strategy.

 

Where's the "red line?"

[lonelyinnj]

I do believe I have done everything I could. I can hold my head high in that. I have changed become a loving father and very responsible and attentive, it kills me that isn't enough and everyday I am heartbroken.

 

I can't save it alone and therefore feel I need to throw in the towel. I have done everything to try without a glimmer of hope. The separation as predicted just makes her affair easier and I love my kids I didn't want them to have a broken home. I have reached a point if despair and sadness and heading to depression. I want to rip her from my heart and can't it would be so much easier that way. So much easier to walk away but the joy I get from my kids is all I have left

 

I am planning in having the talk on Sunday as to if we are trying or not

If not I need to move to the divorce and get away from being this close

 

I want to disconnect but you can't do it being this close an ideal situation for

Reconciliation and pure hell for heading to divorce.

 

I threw up this morning I am so upset and distraught this is one if the tough days I guess. Going out for a drink to try to numb the pain

[Chi townD]

Where did this epiphany come from? What happened?

 

Let me guess. Her affair is still ongoing, she still goes out and parties and sleeps with random men and uses you as a babysitter?

 

Dude, Look.....I know I've been....harsh in the past. But, I had a good reason. I was getting sick and tired of seeing you being treated this way. It's not healthy and I think you're starting to realize it.

 

I strongly recommend that you see an individual counselor. See a lawyer, start the process. And you know what? Who knows! You've tried everything else, maybe her getting smacked in the head with divorce papers may wake her up to the fact that your done. Her life is going to change. No more going out and partying all night long. No more "secret" get together's with her OM. She has to stay home and watch the kids. The babysitter has moved away. Welcome back to the real world!!!

 

And the last thing you need to learn how to do is going to be really hard for you to do, but you need to do it..........forgive yourself.

[Chi townD]

I agree with 2Long, don't have a conversation about it with her. You've already had COUNTLESS talks with her and this won't be any different.

 

If you have this "conversation" with her. She'll always throw in one or two sentences and that you'll over analyze and think it means something. Thus, giving you false hope that she's ready to break and come back to the family. Hence, you continue to do what your doing in hopes that she comes back.....but, like all my other posts...she wants you right where you are. Full of false hope and keeping the status quo so she can continue to do what she's doing until she finds your replacement. THEN!! She be all about the divorce.

[dreamingoftigers]

I do believe I have done everything I could. I can hold my head high in that. I have changed become a loving father and very responsible and attentive, it kills me that isn't enough and everyday I am heartbroken.

 

I can't save it alone and therefore feel I need to throw in the towel. I have done everything to try without a glimmer of hope. The separation as predicted just makes her affair easier and I love my kids I didn't want them to have a broken home. I have reached a point if despair and sadness and heading to depression. I want to rip her from my heart and can't it would be so much easier that way. So much easier to walk away but the joy I get from my kids is all I have left

 

I am planning in having the talk on Sunday as to if we are trying or not

If not I need to move to the divorce and get away from being this close

 

I want to disconnect but you can't do it being this close an ideal situation for

Reconciliation and pure hell for heading to divorce.

 

I threw up this morning I am so upset and distraught this is one if the tough days I guess. Going out for a drink to try to numb the pain

 

Then you've hit the wall. It's okay. If your "Red Line" is the talk, then follow-through on it. But watch her actions. If she says to "give it a go" and then does nothing, that's on her and it's time to go.

 

You can't expect you to carry the world. You've gone so much farther than most men would ever have even thought of. It wasn't that it "wasn't enough." It was that you can't beat down a mountain with your bare hands. It may not seem like it now, but everything that you went through will prepare you to be a better role-model to your kids than you were. It is entirely possible that they will have benefitted from this by having a strong and involved father as opposed to the marriage where you were distracted and you and your wife not close enough to be intimate.

 

There is a very good chance that you will be able to provide and responsible and intimate template later on after you've had a chance to heal.

 

And you know what? Who knows! You've tried everything else, maybe her getting smacked in the head with divorce papers may wake her up to the fact that your done. Her life is going to change. Welcome back to the real world!!!

 

And the last thing you need to learn how to do is going to be really hard for you to do, but you need to do it..........forgive yourself.

 

This is very important. You've certainly flagellated yourself wholly and completely. I hope that you find peace and healing soon.

 

You are very strong for what you've done.

[lonelyinnj]

Thank you all for the replies. The talk was a more of are we going to try or not letting her make the decision to end it. Perhaps I should make a more clear statement that if we aren't doing that then let me go. She is following some template a friend or bf or coworker gave her for long separation and divorce and remain friends. That isn't for me. And isn't working

 

Yes I am afraid because I am giving up after trying so hard it broke me. Today our anniversary is painful and sad for me. I'm way to sentimental and have always been.

 

I do expect her to say sign the divorce papers and proceed perhaps I have been replaced and I expect to find someone who really appreciates the person I am now and have been despite my failures. I am a good sweet person and was told that tonite by a friend (and that apparently I can pass as 30 when I'm over 40)

 

So the end is near I don't know how long it will take but I guess when people called it over from the start in January they were right

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you all for the replies. The talk was a more of are we going to try or not letting her make the decision to end it. Perhaps I should make a more clear statement that if we aren't doing that then let me go. She is following some template a friend or bf or coworker gave her for long separation and divorce and remain friends. That isn't for me. And isn't working

 

Yes I am afraid because I am giving up after trying so hard it broke me. Today our anniversary is painful and sad for me. I'm way to sentimental and have always been.

 

I do expect her to say sign the divorce papers and proceed perhaps I have been replaced and I expect to find someone who really appreciates the person I am now and have been despite my failures. I am a good sweet person and was told that tonite by a friend (and that apparently I can pass as 30 when I'm over 40)

 

So the end is near I don't know how long it will take but I guess when people called it over from the start in January they were right

 

I was broken by my marriage. If you want to read about it, you can check out some of my earlier threads.

 

Then it does get better. I don't even know how. Your brain won't let you stay down if you don't feed the depression. It will adjust to it's new equilibrium anyhow. In a sense, you'll feel better whether you want to or not.

 

Sorry for your loss.

[LeGenDary_Man]

Thank you all for the replies. The talk was a more of are we going to try or not letting her make the decision to end it. Perhaps I should make a more clear statement that if we aren't doing that then let me go. She is following some template a friend or bf or coworker gave her for long separation and divorce and remain friends. That isn't for me. And isn't working

 

Yes I am afraid because I am giving up after trying so hard it broke me. Today our anniversary is painful and sad for me. I'm way to sentimental and have always been.

 

I do expect her to say sign the divorce papers and proceed perhaps I have been replaced and I expect to find someone who really appreciates the person I am now and have been despite my failures. I am a good sweet person and was told that tonite by a friend (and that apparently I can pass as 30 when I'm over 40)

 

So the end is near I don't know how long it will take but I guess when people called it over from the start in January they were right

Your marriage is now a sham; get out of it ASAP. It is taking psychological toll on you.

 

Learn some valuable lessons from your past experiences and emerge stronger and better then ever before; never to repeat any mistake you did in the past.

 

One more thing; inform your wife that you regret marrying her if she attempts to put you down in an argument now. Hopefully this will give her a jolt or something.

Edited June 8, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[lonelyinnj]

Where did this epiphany come from? What happened?

 

Let me guess. Her affair is still ongoing, she still goes out and parties and sleeps with random men and uses you as a babysitter?

 

Dude, Look.....I know I've been....harsh in the past. But, I had a good reason. I was getting sick and tired of seeing you being treated this way. It's not healthy and I think you're starting to realize it.

 

I strongly recommend that you see an individual counselor. See a lawyer, start the process. And you know what? Who knows! You've tried everything else, maybe her getting smacked in the head with divorce papers may wake her up to the fact that your done. Her life is going to change. No more going out and partying all night long. No more "secret" get together's with her OM. She has to stay home and watch the kids. The babysitter has moved away. Welcome back to the real world!!!

 

And the last thing you need to learn how to do is going to be really hard for you to do, but you need to do it..........forgive yourself.

 

I have forgiven myself. So that's step 1. I think you have a misconception in the first few months it was babysitter bs. We have a schedule now and she had said that that she didnt come home because I was there even if it was "my day". Well they are now with me in my place on my day and she is doing the same thing. Epiphany.

 

Yes I am tired of the lies and false hope she intentionally or unintentionally does... My friend said something wise to me which she "holds all the cards" and does everything to keep it that way using kids as pawns, false hope fence sitting... Subconsciously or not.

 

She also thought I should just file on Monday ... Stbex actually dared me to file last week I am guessing thinking I wouldn't or won't because the cards change

[lonelyinnj]

Alright morning warriors how does one respond

When you stbex texts Happy Anniversary... Checking to see if she has all the cards still? Ugh

 

I am ignoring for the day.

[LeGenDary_Man]

Alright morning warriors how does one respond

When you stbex texts Happy Anniversary... Checking to see if she has all the cards still? Ugh

 

I am ignoring for the day.

Ignore her. No need to exchange pleasantries with an individual who hurts you.

[lonelyinnj]

I should mention we have to spend day together because it is my daughters dance recital therefore I see it as rude not to acknowledge at all... But what have I chosen to do right in the past few months.

 

2long you are my most trusted advisor so I might go with your suggestion very neutral.. However perhaps this is my time to detach ugh

[wifehurtheart]

very bad strategy. You can't nice someone back to you.

 

It takes only ONE to lob a grenade into a marriage, but it takes two, committed with all their heart and soul, to put humpy-dumpy back together again.

 

Reconciliation is NOT for the faint of heart and IS impossible when there is a third party involved.

 

Tell her exactly how you feel and why. Then keep working on you.

 

between your guilt, which is making you too nice and too accepting, and her rage and intent to punish you....this is not working.

 

sometimes we need to fight for someone we love by not accepting unacceptable behavior....and if dating another man while you watch the kids for them isn't an unacceptable situation...I don't know what is!

 

Can't add anything to this......

Edited June 8, 2013 by wifehurtheart

[aliveagain]

Reading your post is like being in the movie "Ground Hog Day" you keep walking into the same oncoming traffic at the same intersection every morning. If you seriously want this to stop, pull the plug, why are you making it her decision? Your children will always be your children, you'll be happier away from her drama and you won't be sharing her with other men if your divorced. You are a married man who's wife is actively dating, change the married man part, the father of beautiful children stays the same. Sharing your wife with other men is way worse than being divorce, trust me, I have survived both.

[lonelyinnj]

I don't think I explained well we are all together for recital. Including grandparents this is for the kids it is their day. I feel awkward not responding but really how do you...

[anne1707]

You are still exactly where you were when you started this thread all those months ago.

 

Stop making excuses to maintain contact. Take action to get some control over your life.

 

You made a lot of mistakes during your marriage. Hopefully you have learnt from what has happened as a result. If you are to ever be happy again, you need to end the marriage officially - it is already plain to everyone here but you that the marriage is well and truly dead apart from the divorce papers.

 

I just hope that you are still not posting the same kind of things in another 3 or 4 months.