should i stop revenge affair

[2long]

I know the separated and now divorced OM is coaching her on how

To try to be amiable. I want a clean break now

 

Whatever you do, put those kids first and foremost. GET A LAWYER. She has one and she's got a "boyfriend" giving her advice about YOUR kids. Guess how that's going 2 go for you in the end?

 

GET A LAWYER, the meaner the better.

 

-ol' 2long

[anne1707]

Ok Anne I'm in full 180... I've done the nice thing but it isn't working

She has recognized my willingness to be a good husband(covering for her when sick or working early-late, responding to texts like "I'm having a bad day" why tell me if you don't care?) but clearly isn't interested right now and I am enabling her. I'm pretty clear she see now that I can be everything she wanted before and my niceness is making her life way too easy

 

I just bought groceries for her dinner Friday with kids...

 

Do you not see the contradiction here? The 180 means no shopping for her, no help for her over and above any shariing of duties you have regarding the children - and all that must be on clear boundaries too.

 

If you are to have your life, then leave her to get on with hers. You must stop protecting her from the new reality. You must stop denying this to yourself too.

[anne1707]

That's the point, she's NOT getting on with her life - she's having an affair, flaunting it in his face, and expecting him 2 pay for it.

 

And she can do that on her own.

 

My post was about her behavior because the OP posted here about her behavior and is seeking advice about what he might be able 2 do about it. The OP "created" the actions he 2k, yes. But the W made a conscious choice 2 have the affair. That's 100% on her.

 

-ol' 2long

 

We might disgree on whether what she is doing is having an affair but we do actually agree (I think anyway) on what the OP should be doing here.

[Chi townD]

Dude, she is the poster child for cake eating. She gets you (her lap dog) to take the kids when she wants to go on dates. You buy her groceries, watch the kids, give her warm fuzzies when she's having a bad day. And she gets to have a boyfriend and wild monkey sex with this guy. She has the best of both worlds right now.

 

Dude, sooner or later, she's going to get REALLY mad at you about something stupid and she's going to go on a date with her boyfriend and she's going to bring this guy back to her place where you get to listen to the rhythmic creeking of the bed and moaning KNOWING that you can hear it. Just to make you hurt.

 

Look, you did something stupid. EXTREMELY stupid, but what she's doing is absolutely cruel. Even though you screwed up, you shouldn't have to endure this as some sort of penence. I think it's time to move on.

 

If I were you, I would make it offical and start the divorce process. I would look into finding a new place to live so you don't have to endure anymore torture. Don't tell her that you're moving, just move. However, still be involved with your kids as much as possible. I would take 50% out of any joint accounts and get your name off of those accounts. Start up your own account. find out what child support is for your area and pay ONLY that. Get your name off of anything that the two of you have jointly. You need to start seperating yourself from her. And finally, I would talk to a lawyer and get an RO out on the OM that he can't be around your kids while the seperation and divorce are still pending. It would be too confusing for them and most courts would agree with this. They could give a damn about what you and your wife are going through, they're only concerned for the well being of the kids. So, they may grant you that request.

[2long]

We might disgree on whether what she is doing is having an affair but we do actually agree (I think anyway) on what the OP should be doing here.

 

Yes.

 

-ol' 2long

[lonelyinnj]

Well I called and told her we need more distinct separation and as predicted by me she was happy and angry. In a sense she had been pushing for this but our living situation without beds for kids made it difficult. she believes a fast separation will wffect the kids more - i believe divorce will be worse. that is permanent. I am considering going to my parents for a week for full separation for awile as she said he'll ill take the kids full time. I can say it is for business for the kids sake.

 

I told her how I felt and that her new OM was making it impossible for me to be around, she responded these were olive branches to appease me. Allowing me to see kids in morning for me, although I was doing it for them.

 

I think I was helping her yes out if regret and guilt but because I wanted to make her job and life easier to help her heal. Clearly me being around is not doing that for her and is destroying my ADD progress. She actually told me to take the food so I will.

 

For my kids we need to separate. She said well we have to be amiable because that is what other people (OM ExW my guess) do. I don't like this side coaching

Of how to handle this, we are not them we are different people Nd a different history and different circumstance.

 

"We need to cooperate and show children that no matter what we are friends"

"U and I need to find other ways to deal with our differences "

Closed with I have always said no reconciliation (I didn't ask)

 

"U don't think I wanted to run away ?"

"To do something drastic? To never see you again?"

 

I don't want to give up hope but there is no hope in those statements

 

"Ok agreed. Separation is best for girls. I am sorry you despise me, I think you should know everyday I regret my choices and the pain I caused you. No have no excuses for what I did, maybe I know why now my head is clear. But I have no excuse. You are right I don't deserve you"

 

She replied " I don't despise you". She has internalized this anger not healthy...

 

Well now we need to stop all communication except for about kids and money

Wish me luck

[Chi townD]

"We need to cooperate and show children that no matter what we are friends"

"U and I need to find other ways to deal with our differences "

Closed with I have always said no reconciliation (I didn't ask)

 

"U don't think I wanted to run away ?"

"To do something drastic? To never see you again?"

 

 

 

Yes, you two need to cooperate for the sake of the kids, but you don't have to be her friend. I'm sure you didn't get into a marriage for the end result is you being nothing more than a friend to her.

 

"U don't think I wanted to run away?" She already did by getting into a new relationship while married.

 

"To do something drastic?" I think having a boyfriend and rubbing the fact that she's f*cking this guy in your face is PRETTY drastic.

 

"To never see you again?" At this point she says that she doesn't want to reconcile; therefore, she could give a rats ass if she ever see's you again.

 

 

Time to start protecting yourself and your kids. I STRONGLY recommend that you move. Time to start over.

[lonelyinnj]

It is difficult to move and have kid time which is important. We own units and would have to sell...

 

I can leave to relatives on my days

 

Do you think I should point out that she did indeed run away and did indeed do something drastic? I know that will enrage her but truth hurts

 

Also FYI she met this guy 3 days before Dday and talked to him 30 minutes night before she stole my computer and found mor photos originally she found 15 the. 35 more and cards

 

Then Daily vented and confided in him over holidays and not sure when they first hooked up but I think either 2 or 3 weeks after Dday.

 

That is why I think he is manipulating ... She distressed he the shoulder to cry on then bed to jump in. He gamed her he

 

He is telling her how to handle me to make it amiable... Maybe his situation is

Amiable but (I know he shares custody) I don't know... I think it probably is but I don't like others in my business

 

I don't know if I should tell her that I see him involved since before Dday and then swoop in afterwards... And proceed to take advantage of the situation

She even told me drunk he was taking advantage if the situation.. The. Denied it and said maybe he was whereas her words were he might be taking advantage ....

[Spark1111]

he is her problem, not your problem.

 

take time to determine HOW you want to separate, how you want to parent, how you intend to proceed with your life.

 

then negotiate that with her or your attorney's, and get busy with you.

[2long]

It is difficult to move and have kid time which is important. We own units and would have to sell...

 

THIS is what DIVORCED people DO! You both seem 2 want the "best" of both your worlds - you want 2 hold out hope that she'll "come around" and give up the OM and stop the divorce. She wants you 2 be her backup plan and sugar daddy, without benefits.

 

I can leave to relatives on my days

 

Talk 2 a lawyer. Put the apartments on the market and MOVE.

 

Do you think I should point out that she did indeed run away and did indeed do something drastic? I know that will enrage her but truth hurts

 

I wouldn't talk about your relationship with her at all anymore.

 

Also FYI she met this guy 3 days before Dday and talked to him 30 minutes night before she stole my computer and found mor photos originally she found 15 the. 35 more and cards

 

And this is relevant 2 now in what way?

 

Then Daily vented and confided in him over holidays and not sure when they first hooked up but I think either 2 or 3 weeks after Dday.

 

I agree, it's an affair. You can't persuade her 2 end it. She has 2 make that decision on her own. The best thing you can do is distance yourself from it (and her). It will end on its own, but when it does it's doubtful you'll be in the mood for reconciliation.

 

That is why I think he is manipulating ... She distressed he the shoulder to cry on then bed to jump in. He gamed her he

 

Irrelevant 2 your choices now.

 

He is telling her how to handle me to make it amiable... Maybe his situation is

Amiable but (I know he shares custody) I don't know... I think it probably is but I don't like others in my business

 

He should not be involved in your business at all. CALL A LAWYER and protect yourself and your kids! Don't wait another minute.

 

I don't know if I should tell her that I see him involved since before Dday and then swoop in afterwards... And proceed to take advantage of the situation

 

Why tell her what she already knows?

 

She even told me drunk he was taking advantage if the situation.. The. Denied it and said maybe he was whereas her words were he might be taking advantage ....

 

She has 2 face why she made the choices she made without your "encouragement." If there's any chance of reconciliation, it will only come when you've given up the need 2 control the outcome. Become completely unavailable 2 her on a personal level.

 

-ol' 2long

[lonelyinnj]

She wants to go to her lawyers to fill out official separation documents

I'm going to go do that and stay away

 

I am asking should I tell her she ran away and was cruel or

Is there no point? Especially since I still have live for her

[lonelyinnj]

We have plans to set schedule tonite I want to lash out and tell her I was extremely stupid but she is being cruel. She did run away and jump into a relationship she then rubbed it in my face when I was trying to be nice.

 

That I never expected that from her and can't be her friend

 

Thoughts?

 

Seriously anyone want to call me I need advise or to calm down

 

Check my interests for contact

Edited February 13, 2013 by lonelyinnj

[Chi townD]

See, you're doing things on her terms. If she wants to go to a lawyer then fine. But, YOU need to get your OWN lawyer. Here's the deal, you two are no longer husband and wife. All you are to each other is parents. She values this OM more than you at the moment. SO! if she want a lawyer to write up offical seperation papers say, "That's fine. Once they're done. I'll have my lawyer review them." Believe me, if she's lawyered up and you don't have one, this lawyer is going to give her the moon because you don't know any better. Get a lawyer, A BULLDOG lawyer! Someone that's going to fight for you. Do your research and fine a lawyer that specializes on fathers rights.

 

As much as you don't want to leave the proximity of your kids, you need to move for your own sanity.

 

Then, talk to the lawyer about writing up divorce papers. Might as well. She said she doesn't want to reconcile. BUT!!! There's power in divorce paperwork. Sometimes, it smacks a little dose of reality into the WW head that this is really happening and life is going to suck. It sometimes knocks them out of the fog.

[anne1707]

Then, talk to the lawyer about writing up divorce papers. Might as well. She said she doesn't want to reconcile. BUT!!! There's power in divorce paperwork. Sometimes, it smacks a little dose of reality into the WW head that this is really happening and life is going to suck. It sometimes knocks them out of the fog.

 

SHE has already filed for divorce because of the OP's past behaviours

[Spark1111]

We have plans to set schedule tonite I want to lash out and tell her I was extremely stupid but she is being cruel. She did run away and jump into a relationship she then rubbed it in my face when I was trying to be nice.

 

That I never expected that from her and can't be her friend

 

Thoughts?

 

Seriously anyone want to call me I need advise or to calm down

 

Check my interests for contact

 

Look, you have to let all of this go.....for now.

 

She has filed for divorce. She is dating someone. She claims she allowed you to spend more time with your daughters for your sake, not because she needed you to.

 

Stay calm. Stay focused on you. Make a fair agreement. Don't always be available on date night. Just worry about you and how to be the best you you can be for yourself and your daughter's.

 

Change is hard, but change is good too.

 

I think with some distance and some clarity, you will realize it will all be okay.

 

Take baby steps. You have apologized plenty, yes? You are going to therapy, yes?

 

There is nothing left for you to do but to concentrate on you.

[lonelyinnj]

Yes she filed. I suggested separation to give us time to sort out everything and for the air to clear a bit. Once she got involved with OM the air has never cleared only gotten worse... I guess I was willing to accept some punishment for my actions. Penance as someone said but as has been said now she is being cruel though wants to be amiable for the kids. Can't have it both ways. I understood the need to get even, I can't accept the need to punish, flaunt, and be cruel.

 

I did consult a lawyer. For separation papers I will have them review.

 

She makes more money than me so she won't lose her sugar daddy if anything as she told me she will pay alimony.

 

Selling the homes will kill our kids we offered to move a thousand times for them to have more space but they love our city and their school friends. I am considering staying at my parents as that will distance me.

 

I am trying to do what is right for the kids. They use this apt as a play space as our other apt is smaller. Losing this space would hurt them both of us know that changing schools the same...

 

Financially we/I can't afford another place here...

 

Stuck...

[lonelyinnj]

Good news is that I'm in the shape of a 28yo, im over 40 and my ADHD is well under control. Yes I'm doing well I have the world except for this anxiety...

 

Even my work ethic is awesome on good days. This gives me panic attacks.. And kills my moving forward..

 

I just want to know if I should express the anger at her cruelty tonite or not... Since I am cutting contact anyway

Edited February 13, 2013 by lonelyinnj

[BetrayedH]

NO communication of any kind unless it is about shared finances, the kids, or the divorce. Almost all communication should be by email; use text if it is urgent. No face-to-face conversations except twice a week at kid exchange. Repeat it until you understand.

[2long]

She wants to go to her lawyers to fill out official separation documents

I'm going to go do that and stay away

 

I am asking should I tell her she ran away and was cruel or

Is there no point? Especially since I still have live for her

 

Good lord! Do NOT go 2 her lawyer! Go 2 YOUR lawyer and instruct her 2 communicate with you through your lawyer! ONLY!!

 

You are setting yourself up 2 be scrood, royally!!

 

-ol' 2long

[anne1707]

I just want to know if I should express the anger at her cruelty tonite or not... Since I am cutting contact anyway

 

No. Cool. Calm. Polite.

 

Anger shows you are invested in her and that just feeds this mess.

[anne1707]

NO communication of any kind unless it is about shared finances, the kids, or the divorce. Almost all communication should be by email; use text if it is urgent. No face-to-face conversations except twice a week at kid exchange. Repeat it until you understand.

 

And I am repeating it for emphasis

[2long]

SHE has already filed for divorce because of the OP's past behaviours

 

Right, and now HE needs 2 file for divorce because of her present behaviors.

 

-ol' 2long

[2long]

Yes she filed. I suggested separation to give us time to sort out everything and for the air to clear a bit. Once she got involved with OM the air has never cleared only gotten worse...

 

It's a pity you didn't come here first. It's almost always a bad idea 2 separate. It doesn't clear your head or hers. It just frees up your calendar from your spouse's interference.

 

Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. It makes the fondness grow absent.

 

-ol' 2long

[2long]

Good news is that I'm in the shape of a 28yo, im over 40 and my ADHD is well under control. Yes I'm doing well I have the world except for this anxiety...

 

Harsh truth here: YOU could start over and even have another family after divorce. She probably can't, if she's also over 40.

 

I just want to know if I should express the anger at her cruelty tonite or not... Since I am cutting contact anyway

 

Whether she faces what she's done 2 you or not is not really your problem anymore. You will do yourself and your kids a huge favor if you cease all relationship talk with your STBXW now. In other words, don't express the anger.

 

Learn how 2 detach with love. It will preserve your sanity and offers everyone the best chance at even2al healing.

 

-ol' 2long

[BetrayedH]

lonely,

 

You do NOT need to express any anger or frustration with her. This is not a competition. As I mentioned before, her view is that she never would have needed to seek the solace of the OM if you hadn't cheated on her. Once she got involved with him, she filed for divorce from you. That's a consequence of your actions and you will NEVER convince her otherwise. All your anger will show her is that you still don't get it.

 

If anything, I would give her the message that Spark drafted for you earlier in this thread. In short, it expresses remorse over your actions that started this mess and your desire to reconcile but then clearly communicates that you cannot continue to live in this environment and will be taking steps to detach and rebuild your life.

 

Then you go and do exactly that. The loss of you will either wake her up to what she is losing or you move on having learned a very hard lesson. There is no scenario where you win by getting into a battle of who is worse.

 

Retain your own attorney. Have your attorney take the initiative to move the divorce along. You may not see it but that is your only chance at reconciliation. And if it doesn't work, then you are on your way to the divorce you needed anyway.

 

And yes, you need to move. Figure it out.