Just a Guy Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Anne,it just means that you have probably suffered as a BS and so have experienced the pain and suffering that goes with the territory. Also having been on this forum much longer than me, your insight in such matters is likely very focused and pertinent. On the other hand I have never been in such a situation, that is, I have never been cheated on nor have I cheated on my spouse. As such I have not suffered the pain and humiliation that people in situations like this have had to endure. That is not put out as a boast but rather quite humbly and because of which I think I may not be qualified to get into some areas of the discussions that take place on this forum. I do hope this clears the air. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Kids are in school my parents are 60 minutes away can't logistically happen unless I give her full parental control and lawyer said that ain't wise Then I guess you two are stuck living together forever. I wouldn't give up custody either. The point is that you two need to SEPARATE. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelyinnj Posted February 19, 2013 Author Share Posted February 19, 2013 As far as cuckhold, I believed that is what she needed some revenge. Just the way she is... So I let her have it and see it. Healthy for me no, healthy for her no but I know she sees revenge as getting even. Just that kind if person. I think I was actually making progress but didnt answer texts about kids and when coming home and she took that to mean I was the same old *******. Interestingly she said she wasn't seeing the guy anymore but I think it is BS. I am going to the gym tonite perhaps make a few new friends or at least get a good workout and enjoy the endorphins. Pretty resolved that anything I say won't changed the situation, not door matting any more... Just going forward if she wants divorce ill let her proceed. She was on fence last night.. I think bluffing though. Right now it is wait and see with minimal communication I think perhaps her plans got cancelled and she went off on me.... Anyway she wants lawyer to structure separation but I want to ask what she is hoping for by doing separation or should I not ask? Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 I don't get it. Why are you still beating about the bush? Can you not get an apartment some distance away? If you move away some of the toxicity of this situation will thin down. Also get out and socialise with other people especially with those of the fairer sex. It will help you clear your head and get her out of your system. You do not have to date, as in seek sex, just get with ladies at a social level. Apart from having fun you will prove to her that you are moving on and are not hanging on to her petticoat tails! Best wishes to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Okay, maybe the cuckold thing is a little harsh. But, what she's doing isn't revenge anymore, it's a relationship. Sure, it's a relationship that is almost exclusively based around sex, but a relationship none the less. She's telling you that the relationship with this other guy is over. Right. If you read the 180, you know not to believe what a cheater tells you. Dude, she's still having sex with someone else. She expects you to accept her behavior and like it. And if you don't....OH WELL!!! Tough Sh*t! I mean, she's sending you HER schedule for the kids and what works for HER. Can you change it to fit your schedule? Probably, but not without a lot of flack from her most likely. See, you need to re-read my other post. She wants a seperation because her divorced friends stated to her that they regretted not having a seperation peroid to work out logistics and issues? If she has no desire to work out the issues, then there's no need have a seperation. Makes no sense to me, unless it's to maintain the status quo of the current situation or a stall tactic to figure out how to really screw you over with the divorce. I have a feeling that her lawyer told her something that she didn't like to hear. So, stall tactic to figure out how to make it swing her way. Because I have heard stories of people that have gotten divorced, worked out their issues after the marriage has ended and have since gotten remarried to each other again. So, OFFICAL seperation really doesn't make sense to me. Maybe she feels that if she's OFFICALLY seperated she can continue to date other people because, technically, we are not offically together. Thus, she doesn't have to feel guilty about it. Which is delusional on her part. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Anne,it just means that you have probably suffered as a BS and so have experienced the pain and suffering that goes with the territory. Also having been on this forum much longer than me, your insight in such matters is likely very focused and pertinent. On the other hand I have never been in such a situation, that is, I have never been cheated on nor have I cheated on my spouse. As such I have not suffered the pain and humiliation that people in situations like this have had to endure. That is not put out as a boast but rather quite humbly and because of which I think I may not be qualified to get into some areas of the discussions that take place on this forum. I do hope this clears the air. Best wishes. OK now I understand I am actually a fWS (and fBS) but came here because of my affair However I don't think you need to have experienced an affair to understand how painful if must have been for the OP's wife to discover what he had been doing (though boy is she making him pay now, with his permission) Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelyinnj Posted February 20, 2013 Author Share Posted February 20, 2013 Yes she is making me pay. Yes I deserve it. Yes I accept that I ****ed things up bad, made bad choices and despite it being at least partially due to being in a bad marriage, ADD.. ultimately I could not have gone. I know it takes time to clear the air, I am trying to get my space appropriate for my kids to stay in, need to paint, get beds, closets, but it all takes time and that is the main issue in her already seeing someone that I have to go there to be with my kids. I could ask her to give me time to get setup and take the kids until I have that done. Or just see them in the AM. The problem is she says stuff like last night she was pissed because I didn't answer her directly when I was coming home (it was my day with kids really my business) and she had an 'alternate' schedule that she wrote her name in the evening. She said - well you haven't changes (as if justifying not giving me a chance) .. now you have no chance. huh? oh well.. maybe I blew my only chance.. need to go order some furniture beds and such and prepare for what comes. I'll keep you all up to date as the days go by. I have gotten some good advise and I know I may never know how much I hurt her but would sure like to help her heal and getting out of the way seems the best way. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 As far as cuckhold, I believed that is what she needed some revenge. Just the way she is... So I let her have it and see it. Healthy for me no, healthy for her no but I know she sees revenge as getting even. Just that kind if person. I think I was actually making progress but didnt answer texts about kids and when coming home and she took that to mean I was the same old *******. Interestingly she said she wasn't seeing the guy anymore but I think it is BS. I am going to the gym tonite perhaps make a few new friends or at least get a good workout and enjoy the endorphins. Pretty resolved that anything I say won't changed the situation, not door matting any more... Just going forward if she wants divorce ill let her proceed. She was on fence last night.. I think bluffing though. Right now it is wait and see with minimal communication I think perhaps her plans got cancelled and she went off on me.... Anyway she wants lawyer to structure separation but I want to ask what she is hoping for by doing separation or should I not ask? Absolutely..and that is cuckold, you rationalised, allowed and continued to allow another man to bang your wife..cuckold Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelyinnj Posted February 20, 2013 Author Share Posted February 20, 2013 I am powerless to stop her. Many have even justified her actions here. But you are right that ends our friendship ends me being nice In some ways I do see her trying to maintain contact to maintain civility and justify that her girls are happy. And other times her considering trying to fix this now she is deadset on separation as prelude to divorce Do I tell her I don't want to communicate except about childcare? Don't want to be friends? Or just do it. She texted me about layout for girls in my apt... I don't want to reply but is that considered childcare or??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelyinnj Posted February 20, 2013 Author Share Posted February 20, 2013 I am confused. How do I tell her I no longer want to talk. Two wrongs don't make a right and we are parents but not friends. Just do it and ignore her or tell her then ignore her texts and calls I don't understand this part of the 180. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 I get the feeling and I may be wrong, that the OP is not quite what he is trying to project himself as. The fact is that he has said that he was emotionally abusive and absent both physically and emotionally for quite some time before he cheated on his wife. The impression I get from that statement is that he behaved and acted very much as if he was independently inclined and in a position of dominance vis-a-vis his wife. In fact at some place he has mentioned that his wife, being scared of his temper would frantically clear up any perceived mess in the house before he returned home. That does not indicate a person who was scared or intimidated by his wife. After his wife's affair subsequent to his cheating being discovered by her, he has turned over a completely new leaf and is now displaying qualities of complete submissiveness to her. She calls the shots and he dances to her tune. I cannot, by any stretch of imagination, accept that someone who was so macho before his and her affair is now so completely subservient to her. Something is not right. People do not change their characteristics in such a dramatic fashion and so I am veering around to the belief that Lonely was always submissive to his wife and she always called the shots in their marital life. She may have lost respect for him a while ago and on realizing this he resorted to his cheating as a way to get back at her. That would also dovetail with his taking pictures of himself in compromising situations and recording them where he was sure she would see them. He may have thought that on seeing those pics his wife would suddenly become remorseful of her treatment of him and start showing him respect because he had proved to her that he was a man. Sadly that backfired in a rather dramatic way and he is now in a worse situation than he was before. I think his attempts at reconciliation are pathetic and unworthy of some one who respects himself. After having seen his reactions to the advice of so many wise people here, I believe he is just hanging on here to feed on the commiseration that some people throw his way and ignore the hard advice that is given to him by well meaning people because that does not suit his purpose. If that be the case AND I hope I am wrong, I doubt that anyone here will be able to help him. He is just going to stew in his own misery. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 I am powerless to stop her. Many have even justified her actions here. But you are right that ends our friendship ends me being nice In some ways I do see her trying to maintain contact to maintain civility and justify that her girls are happy. And other times her considering trying to fix this now she is deadset on separation as prelude to divorce Do I tell her I don't want to communicate except about childcare? Don't want to be friends? Or just do it. She texted me about layout for girls in my apt... I don't want to reply but is that considered childcare or??? You don't have to tell her jack! Just ignore the texts that aren't relevant and respond to the texts that only concern childcare. The lay out of YOUR apartment isn't her concern. It's YOUR apartment, I'm sure she's seen it. If she calls, let it go to voicemail and listen to the message later. Sooner or later, she's going to know your missing. She may say to you when she drops off the kids, "Hey, we need to talk." You should be responding, "Only if it concerns the kids or our upcoming divorce. Anything else is pointless because you've already made your choice. No need to beat a dead horse." Sorry, to say this and I know you don't want to hear it, but you need to start distancing yourself from your marriage to her. Because, she already has. Link to post Share on other sites
MYCluciferase Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 Wow, this thread went off the rails a bit, didn't it? I relate to you a bit, as I've lived in a sexless marriage for some time. I became depressed and faded out of responsibilities in the marriage, and my wife started hating me for it. Now I'm treated and back in things, really pulling my weight and more for over a year. My wife has stopped being verbally abusive, and is now neutral. I do everything I can to make life easier for her and try to show her how much I think of her, showing little touches of affection every now and then. I'm still being rejected physically, but I feel like I'm doing what I needed to, and feel good about myself. In short her rejection is/was quite understandable, and I totally accept my failings and that I need to win my way back into her affections. I'm willing to do what it takes. A while ago I felt a little suspicious that she might be having an affair. Her behaviour and times away from me changed significantly for a while, but has now changed back. To be honest, if she'd an affair during that time I wold have been very hurt but would have accepted it as not totally unreasonable, and not really held it against her too much. So, (sorry) a lot about me - what about you? Well, you overstepped a line that I didn't but I see you as being in a similar place. Your wife may have genuine feelings for this other man, or he may just be something she's doing to punish you / get herself sense of pride back / get a sense of independence. Either way you shouldn't criticize the other guy or make suggestions that he's using her or whatever - that's really only suggesting that she's helpless or weak in that relationship, and she won't like that. What you could do, if you really want to make a play for her, is to ask to talk to her and again apologize unreservedly about your 'lapse' and tell her how you feel about her, and ask her if you have any chance with her again. In a way it's like starting dating again, and you can't make any demands. I guess that I wouldn't suggest making ultimatums, I'm sure that that will go against you. If you really feel so bad you could hint that you're not sure how long you can go on like this (i.e. it's hard having feelings for her and knowing she's with someone else, even if you did mess up big time, and sometimes you feel like if it's not ever going to resolve, that you'd do better being further away). I know I'm advising humble pie with full cream humility on top, but I think you've forfeited the right to make demands. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelyinnj Posted February 20, 2013 Author Share Posted February 20, 2013 I like the nice vs kind analogy. That is good. Yes I think i need to express this to her sooner than later. I agree with the other person I'm really in no position to demand anything, and I know that will just distance us and make her angry. I will be kind, but not nice and tell her how we need to move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelyinnj Posted February 21, 2013 Author Share Posted February 21, 2013 For anyone that did a separation - how long did it get to get the kids a bedroom setup so that you can share time? I am making a final declaration tonite about us, what i did wrong, and hoping she is listening. Not rehashing the past but saying I'm sorry, if she wants to try I am open, and whatever her decision I'll respect it. Then going to buy furniture. She has had the kids most days this week so I think she has not seen OM, though I don't know and don't care... i can't control that. She seems much more level and reasonable now (on the outside), less rage... Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 I think you should spend more time getting your kids' bedrooms sorted out than just thrashing things out with your wife repeatedly. If you did that, then the bedrooms would be ready very quickly. Focus on doing the right things for them. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelyinnj Posted February 21, 2013 Author Share Posted February 21, 2013 Because the space is not setup as a bedroom - I need to build closets and paint and design complete room. If I was in seperate apt it would be just decorating, and she is fighting me saying everything has to be 'just right' before they go up there which is annoying me.. 'for the children' - sure its true but it is worse that I have to feed, bathe and put them to bed in her place. Makes for a tough 180 arrangement, I have worked on myself and understand where we went wrong. How we can be better.. but she as of yet is unwilling to try. I cannot avoid her completely as her bedroom is in there - Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 How long does it take to put up a couple of flat-pack wardrobes!!! Seriously if you really wanted to put some effort into it, you would have a decent room sorted out in a weekend! Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 How long does it take to put up a couple of flat-pack wardrobes!!! Seriously if you really wanted to put some effort into it, you would have a decent room sorted out in a weekend! Not when he has to watch the kids so she can go out for the night and screw some guy as a form of "therapy". Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelyinnj Posted February 21, 2013 Author Share Posted February 21, 2013 Yes indeed.. In January I only had a few days free, and so far this month not alot of time and I work therefore there is limited time anyway. This weekend I have free and will go buy alot of stuff. I had picked out some temporary beds.. She wants the 'transition' to go perfect and everything to be perfectly ready, which simply isn't possible or reality. As I have made it clear she has this perfectly rosy picture where we are parental neighbors in perpituity... I also don't want to upset them any more than necessary either. But I need to at least start to get them a space... Even for just sleeping.. other stuff I can add later. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Have them design their space. Get them involved in where they want their beds and wardrobes. Bring them shopping with you and tell them to choose from what you can afford. Let them design their new digs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelyinnj Posted February 22, 2013 Author Share Posted February 22, 2013 I had considered that but time is of essence and I will make it how they think then have them input changes Most important I need to paint and get beds and wardrobes for clothes The paintings and decorations can be their touch Working in layout now.. I wrote an open honest letter to her and now am moving on. Will post more about that later 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Morgoth Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Sounds like your done. How did she find pics of you in an international massage parlor? You have to be more careful and hide the evidence. And really no sex? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelyinnj Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 Besides the obvious stuff I hid, long before that we hid our discontent, our feelings about the marriage, the problems, everything. Being open and honest about us would have saved us a lot of pain and suffering over the years Next time with her or another I will be like that as that is the only way to have a happy marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Besides the obvious stuff I hid, long before that we hid our discontent, our feelings about the marriage, the problems, everything. Being open and honest about us would have saved us a lot of pain and suffering over the years Next time with her or another I will be like that as that is the only way to have a happy marriage. What you will find is that as soon as you even remotely feel that something might be uncomfortable to discuss, that exactly what you MUST discuss. Link to post Share on other sites
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