should i stop revenge affair

[lonelyinnj]

I understand that now. We should have been talking not fighting. She i believe is still in this "whatever you want to term it" and accused me of trying to access her Facebook which I didn't. Still in revenge mode and I am caring less

 

My girls told her I am more fun to go to the birthday parties with which frees up her day and I am more than happy to go. Love playing with them and it shows that they too can make choices. I am very even toned with my kids my "wife" has been mean and short tempered it will bite her in the ass

 

I know she is on her phone when kids are around texting or talking and I find it very disrespectful to them. I don't think I am in position to say anything maybe the kids will at some point. I make it a point to put my phone away around them.

 

Tomorrow should be a fun day.

[BetrayedH]

Just keep taking the high road, not out of spite or one-up-manship, but because it's the right thing to do. Eventually your W will run out of ammunition. And if she ruins her relationship with her kids, that's on her and there's frankly nothing you can do about it. I have similar struggles with my ex. She is too harsh (as far as I am concerned) and has struggles with the kids whereas I keep the kids disciplined but they always feel respected and I have very few problems with them. I've tried influencing her but it's a hopeless cause. They iust cannot earn her love and that's something I understand quite well. I am essentially relegated to counteracting her nonsense on the days they are with me (she breaks them down and I build them back up). Ultimately the kids will be raised just fine (I shouldn't be overly dramatic) but I suspect they will always have a somewhat strained relationship with her. Perhaps she will grow more as a person someday but I'm done holding my breath. I do my best with them, communicate effectively with her, and always support her in front of them so my conscience is clear.

[lonelyinnj]

We are discussing schedule and because we both work we need to be flexible. How do I nicely put it I am willing to change the schedule to accomodate our work hours, but not accommodate her going to socialize.

 

I want to be patient, but find myself at times seeing her be so obstinate and ignoring her job and kids to carry out her social life. It is very frustrating because when we were struggling in the marriage she wasn't willing to do that.

 

I am really torn between accelerating the divorce to see if that will bring in reality and keeping patience and time in the separation to see if the changes (which she recognizes just feels too little too late and not long enough), that I have made to myself and relationship with my kids is appreciated.

[Chi townD]

Dude, she wants the status quo and nothing more. She stated that she went to a lawyer about "offical" seperation papers. Okay, where the hell are they? They don't take long at all to write up and process. So, what's the deal?

 

I'm starting to think that she hasn't made a move on this at all. She wants things to continue as is. Maybe you DO need to speed things up and let her know that you're not happy with the current situation and you need to change things up. Rattle her cage a little.

[lonelyinnj]

We are going to lawyer on Friday to draft them.

The ugly truth is that we are moving forward and she has not budged on her opinion. That I didn't leave and stayed and am a good dad and good person and changed screwed up her plan.. And she shows signs of not wanting to move fast forward (like switching from divorce to seperation as she said it helps with logistics but she is a lousy liar)

 

But still no change in actions she is much more involved with her kids almost like a competition with me but I have no distractions so I'm still getting favored parent from them which it hasn't been that way nearly ever makes me feel good and keep being a good dad

 

I don't know if we will get through this but clearly it will take way longer than I think and more effort than I expect as now our issue is even more complicated and in some sense right or wrong she has to answer to herself for her actions of ignoring her kids and acting out. I think her admitting that to herself might be very hard to do for her. She does not admit she was wrong easily

 

As for us? I don't know we are starting from scratch is there is ever a reconciliation except our long history as friends

 

Build from there is she gives it a chance

[lonelyinnj]

Grr

 

Yesterday I switched days and had kids ... I get a wtf text

 

I'm ready to leave work but going to miss kids.

Reply: kids in tub getting ready for bed

 

Then get ...

Went to bar after work

debating what to do

 

I replied kids asleep me too in my apt.

 

The about 30 min later

 

I'm sorry I'm not going to come home

I know this is counter productive and I'm sorry

 

Ugh! Seriously I didn't reply... Her choices and such but why does she even bother

To text me? Is this some sort if sick test and torture? Sorry but I have turned off that button no response to her.

 

I didn't beg didn't point out that my youngest couldn't find her last night

I know her fantasy world the kids know nothing but they know much more than she

Realizes... I am now debating if I should push divorce forward to set a timeline for this or do the separation with fixed schedule.

 

. dB advisor told me this is now like a walkway spouse situation albeit with my infidelity a twist

She is constantly testing me... Came to check if I was up at sunrise, if I can really be that involved with kids, she came to party and tries to do slides and climbing, but I actually enjoy it while she complained about her back.. You can't fake fun with kids they know. I know it is hard to believe I have changed so much and DB advised I'd be under constant scrutiny...

[lonelyinnj]

I have mapped the marriage and she withheld sex intentionally and did stuff specifically to anger me. That is not a good wife. I never mentioned the fight where she'd dig nails into my arm (why I went to marriage therapy cause she was mean). She was mean I left and then I screwed up enough to open the door she wouldn't.

 

Sometimes the more I think if it the less I want too. But if she is not behaving in a way to make things amiable just the opposite. I will not be flexible dont need to be..

And since she can't be honest about work commitments I don't care to help out.

 

In a sense she did fire me two years ago but just didnt tell me

 

This BS yesterday where I switched to help her out with work to provide for our children and she disrespected me and our children is enough

 

I was trying to be amiable and flexible to help insure her financial support of

Her job but obviously she doesn't respect that.

 

I have call with my lawyer today and paid retainer

 

I am still on the fence if separation vs divorce.. But leaning to divorce everyday because more

Limbo isn't helping anything. We will set schedule and MThF and TW weekends flip flop weeks.

Not her ideal match his schedule but I prefer that and I would rather it be that way

The alternative is to give her that schedule which has a huge problem for her there are three days she is without kids

No contact actually 4 days 3 nights.... She didnt see it trying to match schedules so debating letting her swallow the bad schedule

She created vs making a more difficult schedule.

 

Any guesses about what counterproductive means? Seriously weird choice if words

Anyway now to divorce is 3-4 months ... I think and I think a time frame for this

Needs to be set. Anyone pro or con this? obviously my emotions are running high.

I don't want to be rash.

 

I almost want to reply "why counterproductive? I filed my service papers with the lawyer today (haven't yet)...." If I talk the talk I will walk the walk. Someone said push forward and either she gets on board or not right now cake eating in a major way...

 

Yes I shouldn't have a pedestal but I also have been everything you could expect in WS and I refuse to have my children lied to and ignored. Her ridiculous self justifications "the kids won't miss me" because she is not home night and morning

Is silly. Going out to buy beds tomorro furniture comes Friday

[Chi townD]

Grr

 

 

Then get ...

Went to bar after work

debating what to do

 

I replied kids asleep me too in my apt.

 

The about 30 min later

 

I'm sorry I'm not going to come home

I know this is counter productive and I'm sorry

 

 

I thought she told you she was done with the Boy Toy? I guess she's into lying to you now as well, huh.

 

Don't read too much into that counterproductive crap. She was at the bar and probably didn't know what the hell she meant by that too.

[lonelyinnj]

2long thanks for making things clear you are right I need to proceed as if it is over honestly I was in limbo until last night now I am moving told her to get the settlement proposal to my lawyer she had the 50/50 and shared custody so I will let her spend the money to draft. My lawyer said it is pointless for a separation doc as the divorce settlement is not based on that solidly... Only a waste if money and for show if you were close to reconciling

 

I think we just moved further from that unfortunately

 

The room isn't ready but I'm going to bring girls to my place starting Monday

Next week.

[lonelyinnj]

I know changing my plans last night was not helpful and not fair. It was not pre planned but wrong none the less. I am sorry.

 

I get this text in the morning...

Seriously done with the games

 

Why be sorry? Ugh drama I need to disconnect from

Edited February 28, 2013 by lonelyinnj

[Spark1111]

2long thanks for making things clear you are right I need to proceed as if it is over honestly I was in limbo until last night now I am moving told her to get the settlement proposal to my lawyer she had the 50/50 and shared custody so I will let her spend the money to draft. My lawyer said it is pointless for a separation doc as the divorce settlement is not based on that solidly... Only a waste if money and for show if you were close to reconciling

 

I think we just moved further from that unfortunately

 

The room isn't ready but I'm going to bring girls to my place starting Monday

Next week.

 

I want you to STOP trying to save something with a cake-eating spouse who wants to PUNISH you! You are being used and abused man!

 

if you could have embraced and executed the 180, that would have NEVER happened. But you ARE holding onto crumbs and keep setting yourself up for more verbal and actionable abuse.

 

YOU are the person who needs the courts for protection! So use them!

 

Staying out all night when you have the kids is "counterproductive?" how about rude, demeaning, vengeful and punishing?

 

What are you? The butler? the nanny? the guy who will protect the children and keeps secret her all night stay outs?

 

ask your lawyer, if I have the kids and am to return them at 10 p.m., but she calls and says she is out all night.....what are my rights? what are the consequences to her? What can we ask for in the decree?

 

You are enabling her to have the best of all worlds right now....built in babysitter, no change in her financial situation, a swinging, active love life, no talk with the kids...

 

she's living life large while you are in the perpetual state of limbo.

 

How lucky can a woman get?

 

have your attorney and the courts put it in writing man. The sooner the better.

 

Protect yourself! And your children. if she wants to stay out all night, then SHE arranges baby-sitting after 10 p.m. Got it?

[lonelyinnj]

I did discuss with my lawyer and her documented disappearing for January but is trying to make up time in february but I am holding my own. She says unlikely i can get primary custody but likely joint.

States always side with the mom. My lawyer is a tiger and will fight for every last drop of blood.

 

I wasn't babysitting - rather I agreed to switch days because she had a work crisis (don't forget I will be paid alimony from her..) so it is in my best interest for her not to

loose salary and also for my kids... so I switched because of the crisis. she pulled a bull**** by not coming home. Justifying it as well it's 9pm they are asleep anyway I leave

at 6.30 for work so i wouldn't even see them. Neglecting when they wake up with nightmares, or for potty, or just the moments in time when they need someone. She isn't there.

 

She is being absolutely mean and cruel right now to me and the kids.. short tempered with them and one of my kids said 'mommie has been gone for a week' truth is it was 2 days, but she thinks that her dropping in and doing an evening or two, or the weekends make up for it all. she tells me the kids are happy and cheerful around her (of course cause she is there) when she isn't (and she went from super mom to non-mom), they feel that loss. I have done my best to fill that - my oldest saying daddy is always here. made me smile.

 

yes i lawyered up as of today - this doesn't look like it is even going close to reconciliation. My lawyer says separation docs are a waste of money and time, that we should just push for

settlement docs... or make the separation docs on par with settlement docs... I really am starting to give up hope here, and starting to care less and less.

 

I am working on myself but this situation is really not going to be good for my kids. I see it. She is blind. Really is very sad.

 

I have considered trying to drive a wedge between her and OM - while we move forward - by contacting their company and informing them of his actions.. against company policy he'd be canned - but she possibly could be too. that is dangerous at this point, and it would be obvious who ratted it out... likely lead me to a non-reconciliation. Besides she has to decide to come back to the marriage which at this point looks HIGHLY unlikely.

 

ugh - moving forward.

Edited February 28, 2013 by lonelyinnj

[road]

I have considered trying to drive a wedge between her and OM - while we move forward - by contacting their company and informing them of his actions.. against company policy he'd be canned - but she possibly could be too. that is dangerous at this point, and it would be obvious who ratted it out... likely lead me to a non-reconciliation. Besides she has to decide to come back to the marriage which at this point looks HIGHLY unlikely.

 

ugh - moving forward.

 

 

So protecting your WW's job is more important then you saving your marriage and childrens family.

 

I see why you are where you are in life.

 

OM loses job he will throw your WW under the bus.

WW loses job OM will still throw your WW under the busr because he will not want to support her. Sprecially if OM is married.

 

You want to save your marriage then you will expose the affair at work.

 

Never fails, H does not work, WW loses respect for H, H becomes BH.

 

Why?

 

Through millions of years of DNA breeding women are hard wired to be attracted to men that will support here. You not are letting WW support herself, you and the kids.

 

House dads have this happen to them all the time. We can not go against nature.

[BetrayedH]

Great job retaining your own attorney.

 

Keep pressing forward with a divorce; forget the legal separation.

 

Keep taking the kids as often as possible, regardless of the reason. This sets a great precedent for you regarding custody. Document the entire incident from the other night. Print and save those text msgs! That incident is damning for her. You helped her out, she texted you from a bar, not coming home, certainly going to OM with no regard for her kids, her "counterproductive" comment, the kids missing her and noticing her absence (esp. in the middle of the night), her "apology." Document ALL of that. If given the opportunity in front of a judge, cite how this is but one example of how things have been going with her. It won't be hard to establish you as the better parent right now and you'll be more likely to reach 50/50 custody.

 

Keep moving forward with furniture.

 

Put reconciliation out of your mind. Keep pressing forward; keep detaching.

[Chi townD]

I agree with Betrayed. She told you that she was done with that crap. Now, she's doing it again. I say, if she wants to act like she's single, she might as well be single.

 

Maybe a dose of reality will wake her up to how much her life is going to change. How you won't be her doormat anymore. I mean, yeah you messed up big time. But, you seem the only person here that seems to be remorseful for his actions and is paying the price. She constantly rubbing your nose in the fact that she's screwing another man. That she's spending the night in bed with another man WHILE SHE'S MARRIED!! And you're supposed to suck it up and just take it? Like, this is acceptable behavior? This has gone long away from a revenge affair and into something different.

 

Time to move on and start a new life.

[lonelyinnj]

I agree it has gone a long way from a revenge affair.. Yes we are setting schedule, no I won't be flexible and use this as precident.

 

I don't think there is an issue with 50/50 custody, she agreed to it, perhaps she will not like that she will not get primary custody, I will ask for joint primary and since we live in same town it will likely be granted (my attorney says) and if she keeps up antics then I will push for primary. Switching days to accomodate your social life is putting yourself above the kids.

 

The DB councelor someone recommended told me she would keep testing me and pushing buttons - that **** at the bar not coming home (i'm also 99% she was on period too..).. and then the next day talking loudly on the phone is a button i didn't expect her to push. I did unfortunately lose my cool, and go downstairs to tell her that it is rude and inconsiderate to me and the kids. of course she got pissed.. then i left back to sleep.

 

Anyway - going to yoga tonite maybe calm me down and make some new friends. in the very least get some exercise (not that i need that considering I have lost 25 lbs and have the best abs I've had in 15 years)...

 

Gotta start constructing closets and beds on Friday.

[Chi townD]

 

I don't think there is an issue with 50/50 custody, she agreed to it, perhaps she will not like that she will not get primary custody, I will ask for joint primary and since we live in same town it will likely be granted (my attorney says) and if she keeps up antics then I will push for primary. Switching days to accomodate your social life is putting yourself above the kids.

 

 

Dude, just watch and document. If the antics are till happening, then tell your lawyer to go for primary. Do NOT tell your WW you are going to do this. Just let the petition spell it out for her. If she b*tches at you about it, just give your lawyer's card to her and say, "Have your lawyer talk to my lawyer about it."

[lonelyinnj]

I do wish she would have gotten her angry revenge, etc. and just at least faced our problems. Instead she seems to have simply walked - ran away and not bothered. I don't know how to convince her to think about our relationship and positive I can't make her try.

 

I still have the urge to call into their anonymous tip line for violations of code of conduct of the OM but have been advised by attorney, DB and others that will likely blow up in my face. I'd love to try to screw up their 'thing' but she might just jump to another one. And if I do it with evidence (a postcard I found at my house) it might get her fired too and that hurts my kids... Yes sure marriage is worth saving, but my kids are worth saving more. (yes you can respond to this..)

 

She could have ended this affair/whatever you call it.... after a short time and that is obvious she isn't, in our little chat - where she went to tears over me hurting her and said that I compared my trist to no more than a strip club (despite me afterwards taking full responsibilty for it being wrong)

She continually tries to self-justify her current situation minimizing the situation and I don't know why... to keep me from going ballistic, or to keep her cake eating alive, or give me any hope (she used the term I don't want to reconsile RIGHT NOW.. about 10x during our talk)... FYI - i didn't sit down to discuss that, I was trying to discuss schedule and things turned out different, just listened and followed conversation.

 

... she kept trying to 'minimize' her affair saying she isn't staying out every night (anymore).. that it is only one night a week, but she doesn't see that talking to someone everyday is damaging to the little we have left.

 

Perhaps that is exactly what she wants to kill our marriage completely. It seems to be working. Then she pulls **** like saying sure she wishes she had someone to fix her shower, but trying not worth it.

 

I do not discuss OM or her outings (e.g. she is staying out tonite I know as she has work event for a friend (girl) and said she would be out late - i didn't ask she told me... which I think whether she realizes it or not is her intentionally trying to get back at me...)

 

Tonite I'm sure she'll text are girl ok? blah blah. I want to text back if you want to know you could be here, but that is counterproductive. I will either ignore text or reply with only ok. Last time I told her they were asleep she used that as excuse to stay out. I need to just learn to be 180 non-offensive and take the high ground. My actions don't always match my thoughts.

 

I am confused if I should just accept her schedule (which I believe matches his considerably - example she set every WTh as her days regardless of week) - or what I want to do is set three weekdays (MTF) as one person, and WTh and Sat/Sun for other person and simply alternate weeks. Any insight into schedules for separation?

 

Is it normal to maintain finances during separation? Or split them and the bills? or ???

 

Anyone give me some insight? Also on schedules, we are setting it up - what kind of flexibility should you have on schedule. Or none unless it is an emergency.

[lonelyinnj]

Because we live 'next door' drop off and school schedules (we have decided to change mid-day - one in morning - other parent at dinner...) are not an issue. Also the one day on one day off wouldn't really be an issue except they wouldn't consistently sleep in same place more than a night (my opinion disruptive).

 

She had suggested:

Sun 12-bed (her place)

Mon Morn/Night: Me

Tues Morn: Me

Tues Night: Her

Wed Morn/Night: Her

Thurs Morn: Her

Thurs Night: Me

Friday Morn/Night: Me

Sat Morn/Night: Me

Sun Morn: Me....

 

Then

Sun Morn: Her....

Sun 12-bed (Me my place)

Mon Morn: Her

Mon Night: Me

Tues Morn: Me

Tues Night: Her

Wed Morn/Night: Her

Thurs Morn: Her

Thurs Night: Me

Friday Morn: Me

Friday Night: Her

Sat Morn/Night: Her

 

Alternate weeks...

71/37 hours

37/71 hours

 

Here's what I don't like - she has blocked off every Tues Night to Thurs Morning for herself. Whereas my schedule constantly changes. Simply isn't fair - I want to suggest something more logical and more even...

 

Sunday (switch in morning somehow)..

PER 1

Sunday All day

Monday Morning (to school)

PER2

Monday Night

Tuesday All Day

Wed All Day

Thursday Morning

PER1

Thursday Night

Friday All Day

Saturday All Day

 

Gives 60 hours to PER1 and 48 to PER2

Then ALTERNATE weeks. (flip flop scedule).

 

One person should not have fixed days while the other's floats... And frankly I have decided to take yoga thursday nights and don't want all the thursday nights.

 

As I said I think her OM schedule is WTh every other weekend. Minimal - and she is trying to match hers... but I have valid reason to have wednesdays (see my kids swimming) and I shouldn't be denied that for her convenience.

 

I have been told as long as I put it nicely - (DB coach), I could try to fair up the schedule. Else I could simply agree and she might realize what a bad schedule she made... thoughts?

[Chi townD]

 

She could have ended this affair/whatever you call it.... after a short time and that is obvious she isn't, in our little chat - where she went to tears over me hurting her and said that I compared my trist to no more than a strip club (despite me afterwards taking full responsibilty for it being wrong)

 

 

 

 

Yeah...uh huh...Look you were wrong. But, you never got emotionally involved during your tryists. You didn't have an ongoing affair with one person. (at least I think I read that you didn't)

 

assdf is right. You've been taking her crap for far too long. Even now, you presented a schedule to us. A schedule that fits HER life and works around HER affair. If I were you, I would talk to a couple of friends and set a night out on a Wednesday for dinner and drinks (or whatever day she has scheduled to be with the OM) Get a hold of the babysitter and pay her not to be available for that night if the wife calls her. Tell mom and dad not to be available. If they ask why, tell them that you're making her spend time with her kids. Then, inform her that you can't do wednesday, she's going to have to watch the kids because you have plans and they're firm. If she asks what plans, just tell her you have plans. When you drop the kids off, be dressed to the nines. Slacks, button down shirt, dress shoes, clean shaven and sports coat. Then, tell her that you're not sure what time you'll be home, you'll call. Then leave! Have a fun night out and leave her wondering what the hell is going on! You don't have to feel bad about it. You deserve a night out too! Let her mind go there...you're just having an innocent night out. BUT! That's just me.

 

Will she get mad? Maybe. But at least you're showing a spine. At least you're showing her that you can have a life too! And that you're moving on with or without her. I mean, what's she going to do? Have a revenge affair that turns into a full blown affair and make you into a cuckold, into a slave for her enjoyment....you've been there and done that. Time to start living YOUR life, it's been on hold for far too long.

[lonelyinnj]

Yeah...uh huh...Look you were wrong. But, you never got emotionally involved during your tryists. You didn't have an ongoing affair with one person. (at least I think I read that you didn't)

 

assdf is right. You've been taking her crap for far too long. Even now, you presented a schedule to us. A schedule that fits HER life and works around HER affair. If I were you, I would talk to a couple of friends and set a night out on a Wednesday for dinner and drinks

 

Yes I wasn't emotionally involved at all. That is what makes this so much harder in that I was simply seeking someone to be nice to me, and she is seeking EA and PA from someone else - and rubbing it in my face... tossing our marriage away(yeah i helped alot in that, but I never thought she would be so mean).

 

I have gone out to dinner alone... I don't want to go out on dates justifying her affair, at this point I don't believe either of us should be seeing anyone, until we get the schedule and finances settled.

 

I need to get the space setup which is taking all my free time, I can't take off from work, because if I am not in office I don't make money, and that isn't good future planning.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Yes I wasn't emotionally involved at all. That is what makes this so much harder in that I was simply seeking someone to be nice to me, and she is seeking EA and PA from someone else - and rubbing it in my face... tossing our marriage away(yeah i helped alot in that, but I never thought she would be so mean).

I have gone out to dinner alone... I don't want to go out on dates justifying her affair, at this point I don't believe either of us should be seeing anyone, until we get the schedule and finances settled.

I need to get the space setup which is taking all my free time, I can't take off from work, because if I am not in office I don't make money, and that isn't good future planning.

 

Look, what you did was essentially a strip club thing, and it really is no excuse for an affair.

 

That said she has filed for divorce... something she probably wanted to do anyway. She kind of sounds like a bitch.

 

With all that in mind, you need to let go. Move on and stop trying to screw with her new relationship. I know it feels unfair... but this marriage was probably doomed long before your "nude massage" incident. The best revenge you could ever get is by snagging a super hot new GF who is way classier.

[anne1707]

Look, what you did was essentially a strip club thing, and it really is no excuse for an affair.

 

That said she has filed for divorce... something she probably wanted to do anyway. She kind of sounds like a bitch.

 

With all that in mind, you need to let go. Move on and stop trying to screw with her new relationship. I know it feels unfair... but this marriage was probably doomed long before your "nude massage" incident. The best revenge you could ever get is by snagging a super hot new GF who is way classier.

 

Whilst I agree that this marriage is over, I do think it is unfair to describe nude massages, 50+ photos of the OP standing naked with naked women and at least one EA as just "a strip club thing".

[lonelyinnj]

I agree to it wasn't a stripclub thing. I indeed was more explicit and more involved and about an hour each time. Plus cards I had could have been more... And I was in communication with friends I hid. Not PA but not EA just friends I as others said I flirted with. Not good behavior in any sense and took me away from fixing my marriage which from her perspective she was stuck with.

 

She thinks more happened than reality, but reality is we had a bad marriage that she gave up on and I didn't know how to fix. Now I do know how to have a healthy relationship and it is her choice to be next or else yes I will move on and have a healthy relationship with another someday.

 

Right now working on me and sticking to my new life. Enjoying the day and setting up to move on one way or another.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Whilst I agree that this marriage is over, I do think it is unfair to describe nude massages, 50+ photos of the OP standing naked with naked women and at least one EA as just "a strip club thing".

 

The nude massages are no different than lap dances.... provided no happy ending. I didn't read anything about something I would consider an EA.

 

Either way... it doesn't matter. This marriage has been over for a long time. He needs to just let go. Honestly, his STBX sounds like a bitch.