should i stop revenge affair

[anne1707]

Also photos of a EA sort of I was having with a girl. We would flirt online she had a boyfriend and showed me her underwear one time online I took photo. Would send me all her modeling photos that I saved

 

I said sort of because I wasn't flirting with her, but she was a good friend and a girl that I kept hidden. I consider her a good friend, but never sexting or any noncense like that. She was the one though that showed me her underwear when she was waiting for her boyfriend to come back from meeting. She didn't show me to entice me, I simply told her I hope she had sexy underwear on for him (she was in a fancy hotel.). Maybe some would say that is flirting, I was just being funny.

 

If you have a friend that is a girl and you say damn you look hot tonite showing those sexy legs, is that flirting?

 

I agree to it wasn't a stripclub thing. I indeed was more explicit and more involved and about an hour each time. Plus cards I had could have been more... And I was in communication with friends I hid. Not PA but not EA just friends I as others said I flirted with. Not good behavior in any sense and took me away from fixing my marriage which from her perspective she was stuck with.

.

 

Sounds like an EA to me.

 

Flirting. Inappropriate comments. Provocative photos. Relationship hidden from spouse.

 

The OP is no inncocent in this mess. The wife isn't either. It is wrong to put all this on her and try to paint the OP as pure victim. His actions alone were enough to destroy a marriage.

[lonelyinnj]

Ugh.. Ok I left tonite .. Disgusted ... Wife said she was working late which I think was a lie missed the kids swimming then dinner with them showing up 5 min before their bedtime babysitter had them... She texted me she was going to dinner(think she was at dinner) texted going to dinner i'm sorry... I said I'm not home it is her night with kids and left not to be there....

 

She is going to hurt them over her whatever and that might be the only way she wakes up and this sucks

 

If she was working still not taking her responsibility leaving kids with babysitter for 14 hours... Glad I didn't "cover".... I want to call her on the BS and believe she chose OM over her kids

 

But know that will do no good going to nite that for lawyer.. If she said it is for work well that makes me a better primary if for OM she won't admit that...

Her "addiction" is getting worse not better

 

Just upsetting that she is dissing her own kids... This used to be super mom...

I left before I blew up on that.. Went home at 4am still upset at her behavior

[Chi townD]

Sounds like an EA to me.

 

Flirting. Inappropriate comments. Provocative photos. Relationship hidden from spouse.

 

The OP is no inncocent in this mess. The wife isn't either. It is wrong to put all this on her and try to paint the OP as pure victim. His actions alone were enough to destroy a marriage.

 

Well, the OP did wrong. He had inapproriate actions with others...but not intercourse. However, he saw the error of his ways, he stopped all destructive behaviors and is trying to get his life back. He's not doing anything except trying to be a good Dad...and I defending him? No, not on his past actions. But, I am defending him on how he's being treated RIGHT NOW.

 

All his destructive behaviors have stopped. So, the way that his wife is treating him, with the OM. Having full blown intercourse with the guy, staying the night in his bed, becoming emotionally involved with another man WHILE SHE'S STILL MARRIED (you always seem to overlook that) and rubbing his nose in those facts; yeah, as of right now, he is a victim. Currently, he's being victimized and it's ongoing.

 

No one should be treated that way that he's being treated. If she wants to sleep with and entire football team, FINE!!! But, get a divorce first. It's becoming a pattern with her and these last minute texts, "Going out for dinner, SORRY!" or "I'm not coming home tonight, SORRY!" If I were him, I would have texted back, don't be sorry, be a mother.

 

Because, each time these texts have come through are times that she was scheduled to have the kids. She putting her selfish desires before her kids. Right now, she values being with the OM more than her own children. I mean, REALLY?!?!? She's the one making up these damn schedules!! Lonely, I hope you're documenting the times and dates when this stuff is happening, it will only help you in the divorce.

[anne1707]

Well, the OP did wrong. He had inapproriate actions with others...but not intercourse. However, he saw the error of his ways, he stopped all destructive behaviors and is trying to get his life back. He's not doing anything except trying to be a good Dad...and I defending him? No, not on his past actions. But, I am defending him on how he's being treated RIGHT NOW.

 

I can't remember - did the OP see the error of his ways before or after his wife found out?

 

I also made no comment about you defending him so I don't understand why you have suggested that I did.

 

 

All his destructive behaviors have stopped. So, the way that his wife is treating him, with the OM. Having full blown intercourse with the guy, staying the night in his bed, becoming emotionally involved with another man WHILE SHE'S STILL MARRIED (you always seem to overlook that) and rubbing his nose in those facts; yeah, as of right now, he is a victim. Currently, he's being victimized and it's ongoing.

 

On initial posts, I disputed whether this was really an affair she was having as she had apparently filed for divorce and then started seeing someone. Others who have posted here said similar things (it's just for some reason I am the one being attacked for that, I wonder why...). However the behaviour of the wife since in how she plays the OP is cruel and manipulative. This "push, pull" stuff is just nasty.

 

Again I don't know why you are saying that I always seem to overlook that they are still married. I have not done that at all.

 

 

No one should be treated that way that he's being treated. If she wants to sleep with and entire football team, FINE!!! But, get a divorce first. It's becoming a pattern with her and these last minute texts, "Going out for dinner, SORRY!" or "I'm not coming home tonight, SORRY!" If I were him, I would have texted back, don't be sorry, be a mother.

 

I personally don't think couples have to wait for divorce to be finalised before they see other people. I do however think that the separation needs to be 100% complete with no game playing and with clear boundaries etc (unlike this case).

[Chi townD]

I'm sorry if it sounded like a personal attack on you, I didn't mean for it to come out that way. I just wanted to point out that bad things happened to both parties and at least one person is trying to turn his life around where the other is clearly on a destructive path with an "I don't give a damn on how you feel about this, I'm going to do it anyway." Attitude not only to the OP but the kids as well.

 

I mean, kids aren't as stupid as we think they are. They're getting hurt too by this behavior. Their parents are probably divorcing, but they HAVE to see their own mother pulling away from them as well.

 

Know you'll probably tell me that if OP didn't do what he did, then this wouldn't be happening. But, can we honestly say that? It sounds like the wife was looking for an excuse and, unfortunately, the OP gave her one.

 

At a time where parents are going to divorce, that's when the kids need us more than ever! To be there for them. To ensure that everything that's happening WASN'T THEIR FAULT and that both parents love them regardless of what's happening. When she pulls out on nights that she's supposed to be spending quality time with her two children to spend it with the OM....well, in my opinion, you can add two more victims to the list.

 

So, I do respect your opinion, Anne. Sometimes I don't agree with it, but I can respect it. And I apologize if it sounded harsh to you.

[dreamingoftigers]

I agree that he should absolutely get put of her way and awayfrom her toxicity at the same time.

 

Hopefully his 180 will kick in a little more and he will pull himself through this like a pro.

 

Unfortunately it's really hard to stand up straight when someone is kicking you in the head.

 

Well, the OP did wrong. He had inapproriate actions with others...but not intercourse. However, he saw the error of his ways, he stopped all destructive behaviors and is trying to get his life back. He's not doing anything except trying to be a good Dad...and I defending him? No, not on his past actions. But, I am defending him on how he's being treated RIGHT NOW.

 

All his destructive behaviors have stopped. So, the way that his wife is treating him, with the OM. Having full blown intercourse with the guy, staying the night in his bed, becoming emotionally involved with another man WHILE SHE'S STILL MARRIED (you always seem to overlook that) and rubbing his nose in those facts; yeah, as of right now, he is a victim. Currently, he's being victimized and it's ongoing.

 

No one should be treated that way that he's being treated. If she wants to sleep with and entire football team, FINE!!! But, get a divorce first. It's becoming a pattern with her and these last minute texts, "Going out for dinner, SORRY!" or "I'm not coming home tonight, SORRY!" If I were him, I would have texted back, don't be sorry, be a mother.

 

Because, each time these texts have come through are times that she was scheduled to have the kids. She putting her selfish desires before her kids. Right now, she values being with the OM more than her own children. I mean, REALLY?!?!? She's the one making up these damn schedules!! Lonely, I hope you're documenting the times and dates when this stuff is happening, it will only help you in the divorce.

[lonelyinnj]

Kicked in the head yes. Everyone I start to feel better she digs

The knife back in... Starting to be numb but still hurs

 

Yes I think I have done everything I can been remorseful apologetic and understanding.

 

My daughter just had my babysitter call me 4yo) and she asked if I was coming home tonite.... It's not my night I want to cry... Almost want to offer to take tonite let her go do whatever damage already done and be with them...

Go see my kids and be happy.

 

Or stick to the schedule.. Planning marriage therapy solo and yoga tonite but tomorrow is my day.

[Chi townD]

Kicked in the head yes. Everyone I start to feel better she digs

The knife back in... Starting to be numb but still hurs

 

Yes I think I have done everything I can been remorseful apologetic and understanding.

 

My daughter just had my babysitter call me 4yo) and she asked if I was coming home tonite.... It's not my night I want to cry... Almost want to offer to take tonite let her go do whatever damage already done and be with them...

Go see my kids and be happy.

 

Or stick to the schedule.. Planning marriage therapy solo and yoga tonite but tomorrow is my day.

 

Then, make it special for your daughters. Make a gameplan and have something fun planned with them.

[anne1707]

I'm sorry if it sounded like a personal attack on you, I didn't mean for it to come out that way. I just wanted to point out that bad things happened to both parties and at least one person is trying to turn his life around where the other is clearly on a destructive path with an "I don't give a damn on how you feel about this, I'm going to do it anyway." Attitude not only to the OP but the kids as well.

 

Apology accepted

 

And I agree with you about the wife

 

I mean, kids aren't as stupid as we think they are. They're getting hurt too by this behavior. Their parents are probably divorcing, but they HAVE to see their own mother pulling away from them as well.

 

This is what angers me most about this situation in that the children are the absolute innocents but are stuck right in the middle of this. They desperately need to see that both mummy and daddy still love them even if no longer together. The OP is doing his share here but the wife is being negligent as a parent.

 

Know you'll probably tell me that if OP didn't do what he did, then this wouldn't be happening. But, can we honestly say that? It sounds like the wife was looking for an excuse and, unfortunately, the OP gave her one.

 

I won't actually.

 

The OP's details of the marriage before all this happened are a bit sketchy so I really would not like to say one way or another.

 

At a time where parents are going to divorce, that's when the kids need us more than ever! To be there for them. To ensure that everything that's happening WASN'T THEIR FAULT and that both parents love them regardless of what's happening. When she pulls out on nights that she's supposed to be spending quality time with her two children to spend it with the OM....well, in my opinion, you can add two more victims to the list.

 

100% agree with you

 

So, I do respect your opinion, Anne. Sometimes I don't agree with it, but I can respect it. And I apologize if it sounded harsh to you.

 

We're good

 

I might agree with you if I believed that people were wiser than they really are and didn't play games 100% of the time. But I do believe that even in many good si2ations, they play games 100% of the time. And so I do believe that in most cases people should wait until DV is final before dating other people. I know of some exceptions where the WS has been gone YEARS but never filed for DV. That ain't a marriage, but separation for a few weeks or months certainly is.

 

That's why I said 100% separation, i.e. a clean break

 

Even if the wife only started this relationship after filing etc, it is still way too soon for another relationship. The fallout from the marriage break-up is still at maximum level and she is obviously not ready to move on because of the way she is abusing the situation with the OP.

 

 

 

 

don't recall exactly, but I thought that she reacted badly 2 finding the

nude photos and got advice from the OM as 2 how she should divorce the OP before they separated. In any case, from the word go, the OM was conflicted and taking advantage of a vulnerable BW. Pond scum, IMHO.

 

 

-ol' 2long

 

I can't remember either. The OP has sometimes contradicted himself too which is understandable with what he is going through.

[lonelyinnj]

"don't recall exactly, but I thought that she reacted badly 2 finding the

nude photos and got advice from the OM as 2 how she should divorce the OP before they separated. In any case, from the word go, the OM was conflicted and taking advantage of a vulnerable BW. Pond scum, IMHO."

 

That is exactly what happened... We didnt even get to talk it out at all after DDay because he jumped in and I feel pulled her more and more away

 

I found a text from around Dday saying she still cared for me but I "have to go" feeling very torn which now she is not.

 

I feel strongly he is coaching her not to look back not to give a "cheater" a second chance that I am simply bad... Very subjective and very influential given her current state if amour and confusion that is why I am so upset

 

If we seperated and then later she start a R then it is her choice I very much feel this was his choice. Been the seperation docs which in NY are binding legal seperation in NJ are not you start again for divorce unless both parties agree and usually that is done with mediator.

 

 

This is why I want to drive a wedge so she can make her own decision as right now she is relying in the devil to guide her...

 

The problem is that driving the wedge might be too late seen as manipulative and end up not helping my cause at all...

 

Hence my vex....

 

I do know I caused all of this... But also I know her and if we talked it out at least we could try... Right now he has her doing his bidding...leaving on his schedule, ignoring her kids to fit his schedule being quite manipulative in his own right.

 

I am no innocent in this. Did I see the error if my ways? Yes but I was doing far too little to correct it (traveling too much and not fixing marriage and not being the best dad I could be). My stbex has said she thought we were in a "normal lull and that things were getting better (this as after Dday)

 

I know I can admit my faults flaws and mistakes.. She has a history of not being able to do that and holding grudges.. So unless she changes a lot even if the R ends she would have a hard time admitting anything she did to me (I am not worthy to receive I'm sorry perhaps) but to the kids she also won't admit it she really things everything is perfect kids are happy and life is as normal except she has R. She even believes that she doesn't see him that much 1-2 times a week stay iver but talking very night on phone isn't an R

 

Really unless she has the revelation I had this is doomed.

 

Sorry my revelation in totality came too late.

[lonelyinnj]

Actually yes I have she believes since she filed the paperwork she is free to do whatever she wants. Courtesies they don't care about infidelity for custody in this state. They do care about your ability to make time for kids and support them.

 

She also responded she had "already" made a life seperate from mine and this just opened door to more.

 

Gotta proceed like it is going to happen though she again failed to go over her seperation document with her lawyer... Said she is doing "today" but didnt make time instead tried to spend as much daytime with kids knowing she was going out tonite saying shed be back at bedtime which I'm sure she will miss again yet another lie to her kids like she was going to work (also a lie)

[lonelyinnj]

So she did actually get home albeit after my kids were asleep 9:30 ish

 

Then she came in angry (inwas in kids bed they prefer parent put to sleep) and said time for me to leave..

 

For better or worse after I told her yesterday that my therapist (true) says I should fully disclose exactly what went on overseas. I told her some she didn't want to hear it she said then last night she started asking questions.

 

I am open and honest and answer them all...I am building stuff today getting room ready for my kids... I know that it is important to come fully clean and as I didn't confess but was caught, that perhaps is most important no matter what the outcome

 

I didn't handle the Dday right from the beginning and let the imagination fester in her... Tried to minimize in day one... But for transparency I will come clean in everything and honesty everything she asked about (shaver, mini statues) were bought for nothing but legitimate purposes. She thinks shavers were for sexual purposes because they are sold for face, armpit and private areas... I buy them because they are Japanese and work and light for travel... But of course she sees suspicion in everything (the nyc statues were a gift she asked if a give a statue if they do a good job...)

 

she of course believes nothing I say but telling her the truth is all I want to do because whereas before she didnt want to know now she is asking questions

[anne1707]

Lonely

 

Have you got the children's bedrooms sorted out at your place yet? If not, why not? You have had weeks to do this and the longer you put it off, the more the kids have to put up with all this cr*p between you and your wife. Your priority should be them.

[lonelyinnj]

That is my goal this weekend. I am working in it should be done tomorrow all furniture delivered except mattresses

 

I am prioritizing that. Yes I need to get away from the crap.. But I need for my

Forgiveness if myself to give full disclosure.

 

Building stuff gives me a lot if peace and makes me feel productive I have had to wait for furniture delivery

[lonelyinnj]

Well it's been awile since I posted and need an outlet. Things have gotten no client to reconsiliation we agreed to a schedule and a "curfew" for switching if 10pm which she is usually close to making

 

I am hurting so much now because she seems to be set on zero chances and foolishly I still have hope. Kids still in there rooms so they don't know exactly what is going on... I have their rooms ready and wife wants to talk to them on Mother's Day but I think that will be postponed...

 

Sometimes now I feel like leaving walking away giving her the space and time with her kids and away from me. She has said a number if times she doesn't want to come home because I am there and goes elsewhere or stays at work to avoid me. I am sad don't know what to do. I have done everything to make myself the best father I can, and continue that. She still wants separation we are 5 months past Dday for me she is still talking and seeing I think OM I don't know I stopped snooping.

 

I have gone out but I'm just too sad to enjoy myself.

 

I so badly want her to know I am sorry and she simply doesn't want to or can't believe me. I don't know how she couldn't I have been nothing but nice

 

Sometimes I think leaving for a few weeks might put it in perspective for her ... But I don't know. It all hurts I am so sorry for what I did did and so regretful. Genuinely and honestly

 

LRT is hard because we live so close. I have minimized communication during exchanges but seems to make it worse not better

 

She is still "resentful" I made her life so complicated and inknownthat if she genuinely tried we could make it right. But she won't and I am losing hope.

 

I hate days like this when I am so sad... I miss my kids even if I'm gone for an hour now... Before I didn't know what I had and want to make it right.. There just seems no way.

 

I had set a "by our anniversary" date in my head and that is now a month away and I know it won't happen ... I just don't understand why she won't try... That confuses and frustrates me...

 

Vent done...

[CantgetoveritNY]

You need to truly not need her. You need to be ok without her. If you do this you might be more attractive to her. Catch 22 is that if you do it to be more attractive to her it you aren't doing it. Flip side is if you really do it and feel ok without her then you will no longer need her. Or anyone to feel complete. You will be ok with or without her.

 

This is easier said than done. I'm working on it myself. I'm getting there sometimes and I can tell you it is a great feeling when I'm there. Its getting to be more and more often. Try it. I use IC to help me attain this. I recommend IC for this.

[lonelyinnj]

My Catch 22 is that I can't move but I guess I can be away... Perhaps that will make her happy (she has told me repeatedly to go on my overseas trip) in fact I am renewing my visa now. If she won't stop why should I give up my overseas business... But having the kids solo might set a bad precident or make them less attached to me. But if we divorce I won't sacrifice my business.. So in a sense that is moving on.

 

Secondly if the kids move upstairs it will effect their life but at this point it is the choice SHE is making although she blames it on me. Yes it will be a change to their life that I'm trying to avoid if we have any chance if reconciliation I'd rather not mar their childhood... But this would give me more separation... I am considering subletting an apt in the same town to have somewhere else to go...

Or staying at my parents.. Or traveling as traveling I am away she can have her "peace" and the kids will miss me but would be similar to before it will hurt me most if all but I've lost the selfishness and will leave for the sake if them.

 

Being overseas gave me a sense of completeness that was missing in our marriage. That I thought now I could fix but might be too late..

 

I am not changing for her, I live being a good dad I love saying hibtonthe teachers at drop off... I have never been closer to my children... I think I need to make this trip to salvage my business as well as indicate that I am ready to move on. 2long once told me that by time she comes around I might not care anymore and I'm scared of that because it could happen.

 

So if you had to choose to push the kids upstairs and mark their childhood (they will always remember) or to just leave and wait to see if she changes seeing the children less often what would you do??

[CantgetoveritNY]

But having the kids solo might set a bad precident or make them less attached to me.

Secondly if the kids move upstairs it will effect their life but at this point it is the choice SHE is making although she blames it on me. Yes it will be a change to their life that I'm trying to avoid if we have any chance if reconciliation I'd rather not mar their childhood...

So if you had to choose to push the kids upstairs and mark their childhood (they will always remember) or to just leave and wait to see if she changes seeing the children less often what would you do??

 

You have to realize that kids are smarter and more developed than you give them credit for. You think they don't know the score b.c they don't talk to you about it. They know the score and they understand the game enough to keep their mouths shut about the fact they know the score and understand the game. Don't try to fool them or protect them from knowing the score. Live your life. Never denigrate their mother, ever. And they will be grateful to you. But don't be afraid to move on and out. They know the score.

[lonelyinnj]

You need to truly not need her. You need to be ok without her. If you do this you might be more attractive to her. Catch 22 is that if you do it to be more attractive to her it you aren't doing it. Flip side is if you really do it and feel ok without her then you will no longer need her. Or anyone to feel complete. You will be ok with or without her.

 

This is easier said than done. I'm working on it myself. I'm getting there sometimes and I can tell you it is a great feeling when I'm there. Its getting to be more and more often. Try it. I use IC to help me attain this. I recommend IC for this.

 

What is IC? I I am trying to, very hard but I miss her. She was my best friend and that makes it harder as well as not having any close friends nearby.

 

All of what you say is probably true trying more and more to minimize contact.

Yesterday I just wanted to sleep I hurt so much sheets over the head I'm emotionally spent.

[CantgetoveritNY]

What is IC? I I am trying to, very hard but I miss her. She was my best friend and that makes it harder as well as not having any close friends nearby.

 

All of what you say is probably true trying more and more to minimize contact.

Yesterday I just wanted to sleep I hurt so much sheets over the head I'm emotionally spent.

 

IC is independent counseling. As opposed to MC, marriage counseling. Before MC could be of help, I think you need IC. Don't be afraid to shop around to find the right IC.

 

You also might consider NC. No contact. There is a "guide to NC" here on this site somewhere. Since you have a children you can't completely go NC but there are aspects of NC that you can put into place.

[Chi townD]

Dude, you've been gone nearly two months and in that time you've pretty much done NOTHING to move this along. As a matter of fact, you been giving her EXACTLY what I said she was looking to get from you and that's the status quo.

 

A man that she can't stand, but is good enough to babysit while she goes out and screws another man. So, he good for only one thing for her at the moment; a live in babysitter. Nothing more than that.

 

Dude, really? I can't give you advice (no one can) to help you if you're not willing to help yourself.

 

So, when are you going to be ready?

[jmargel]

It's all about resolution and everybody is different in regards to that. When someone is in his position at first he is going to strive to get back what was lost or to try to reconcile. At some point the OP is going to be so frustrated with her and that too much water under the bridge.. to just want a resolution.

 

A resolution means wanting an answer no matter what that answer is. Some people can do what it takes to get that right away while others it might take months or years.

 

To the OP. Women love confidence and you are not showing it. You also need to show this to your children. Your children deserve better! To put up with this or to vanish overseas is not being confident. Being confident is telling your wife that you are no longer tolerating this and that you are moving forward with your children. Make her THINK! Make her face the consequences! Two wrongs don't make a right. She knows this and her selfishness and immaturity is hurting everybody.

 

Stop letting this affect your own self-worth and make sure your children's self-worth is not damaged. IMO you should move out of that building, concentrate on work and your kids. Set short term goals and accomplish them. You are worth more than how she is treating you. Show and live confidence for yourself, not to get your marriage back! Don't be co-dependant on her, you seem to be romantizing the past.

 

If you don't do this now you will lose her forever. You also need to have a heart to heart talk with her about all of this. No groveling, no I love yous, etc.. Show remorse for what you did but show your upsetment for what she is doing to you.

 

Since she is not going to protect the children, you need to. Hopefully my advice can help you.

[Chi townD]

^^^^^ No disrespect intended but, all of this has been said to him before. ^^^^

[Darren Steez]

What part of "I don't want you I'm screwing someone else" don't you get?

[lonelyinnj]

Dude, you've been gone nearly two months and in that time you've pretty much done NOTHING to move this along. As a matter of fact, you been giving her EXACTLY what I said she was looking to get from you and that's the status quo.

 

Dude, really? I can't give you advice (no one can) to help you if you're not willing to help yourself.

 

Actually I have set boundaries and put a schedule in place that I am sticking to and she has been forced to stick too. I sent the schedule with my lawyer adding some stuff about discussing children with (he put in there boyfriend which riled her)... She took weeks to respond and agreed to my schedule and shared custody and 50/50. In the letter.. So booyah.. Yes I took your advise and had a hard letter drafted and it set schedule... All of you would be proud of her response that she 'hates my schedule' - uh reality of future ... she isn't liking as she says 'sharing her kids' with me.

 

I told her if she has work event or emergency I might flex (not will depends on my plans too) but will not switch or cover for any social events no matter what they are period. Get a babysitter. (which she did for some event she had). I have not done anything like that since February when I was self-punishing I guess. I don't deserve that now and didn't then, yes I made a mistake, perhaps it isn't forgivable, but I have done everything in my power to be a better person.

 

I told her outright that what she was or is (i don't know anymore and don't think about it) doing is not tolerable.

 

I have been solely focused on kids (her teacher said she has come out of her shell and she won an academic award - coincendence or being great dad??). My work is getting busier and I have been on point, closing new customers, some of it is luck but alot is refocusing to be better at my work. I don't spend time thinking about her.

 

So perhaps you misunderstand my situation a little - thanks to you all I pulled myself out of doormat mode, into a taking a stand ... and not inquiring or trying to be manipulative/persuasive etc.

 

I have realized this isn't a court case where if you present your evidence and it is clear what decision should be made it goes that way. She cannot be influenced or persuaded because she is unrealistic, living in a fantasy future and irrational. No matter how true things are, she will believe what her rose colored glasses see. And if I tell her the sky is blue she is so angry still she will say it is red. I understand that, it is like a chinese fingerknot, more you struggle tighter it gets.

 

 

That decision is out of my hands and nothing I say or do will make her choose one way or another. I am going out and living my life, part of my life was my overseas business - therefore why should I give that up if she isn't willing to give me a second chance. I know just the travel caused problems in our marriage, but since we are headed to not having that, then there will be no reason not to.

 

"A resolution means wanting an answer no matter what that answer is. Some people can do what it takes to get that right away while others it might take months or years." Yes indeed, I'm 5 months deep and was hoping for progress towards the path I wanted. It isn't happening as far as I can see.

 

"you seem to be romantizing the past.

If you don't do this now you will lose her forever. You also need to have a heart to heart talk with her about all of this. No groveling, no I love yous, etc.. Show remorse for what you did but show your upsetment for what she is doing to you."

 

I think I have done that, perhaps if the opportunity is right I would do it again - I have NEVER grovelled but I have told her that I do love her and she certainly knows that I would prefer reconciliation to any other choices.

 

Yes certainly bringing up the past she neither likes or is effective. Your 100% on that. I know this is her decision to make. Her call - as much as she says - you did this - she has to know somehow at this point that it is her call and her choice. At some point I perhaps won't care anymore and I wish I could get there but deep inside I am a much more forgiving person that she is.

 

Someone once asked what would have happened if roles were reversed and I might have had a revenge affair but I would have responded to her changing and being a better person. She is not. Perhaps I don't know her as well as I thought I did.

 

In any event at least my business and kids will be happy/successful, I am trying to be, doing things for me, trying to meet new people.

 

Moving out is quite hard without displacing the children and schooling, I would have to give her all 5 days should I move elsewhere and that isn't healthy for them not to see me and I don't think would make me a good dad. Yes being this close takes some emotional toll - less so now because there are no overnights allowed and a 'curfew', but I am doing this for my girls and the hugs they give me bring such joy that I am willing to sacrifice a little part of myself for them. They are my kids, and I love them.

 

Also FYI - i posted elsewhere about this she had texted me (about a week ago) that I am sneaky, manipulative, deceptive, unempathetic, hypocritical,

that I "throw acid on her everytime she tries to leave the house - reference to when she tried to sneak out on Easter - and I told her I am not babysitting and picked up her wallet.." and accuse her of "seeing men" even when she isn't....... Yes perhaps I have taken ALL of your advise, and this direct words, and just I don't ask, don't care, don't text if she is late on her chosen 'curfew' she knows she is late and wants me to fight. I am simply distancing myself and I am reading those things and not doing any of them, just because that isn't healthy behavior for me. Sort of my old self sneaking out.

 

She accused me of breaking her shower which I didn't, threatened to call the plumber for 3 weeks but didn't, I had some free time and we can use the $500, so I fixed it (I had ordered the part ages ago), and didn't say a word, my time with kids was up and left. Yes I am getting the spirit but sometimes I lose it - eg. she asked for a switch day 2 months away for a concert ... I said I am not switching so she will have to get sitter as it is an optional event.

 

I do have a tradeshow where I need to go in 3 weeks and will need her to cover or find a babysitter like send my mom up to my house.

 

Also recently..

She texted me last night that she hates my schedule and that ..

"Very sad my life is now so complicated and angry u made it so"

Frustrated that I took her compete freedom away hell we aren't even 3 weeks into the schedule and she finds it tough, and because of school events and such we have had some together time on weekends - i promised my daughter I would go to event with her and stbex told me her day I can't go - i didn't argue I said ok... hours later said I could go and she would kill me if I blocked her from school event... turmoil, unstable irrational still angry yep.

 

So at least I know where she stands. Nothing I have done has made a difference as far as I can see (well she still hasn't served me the papers she filed months ago) and said that she right now wants a separation. No mention of divorce, so that is the way it will be.