Sh*T has hit the pan

[seren]

TheOW, irrespective of all that has happened and irrespective of who did what to and with who, I hope it all gets easier for you, but suspect it will get worse before it gets better. But it will get better, one way or another and you will learn whatever lessons you need to and look back at this time now and wonder how you got through it, but you will. What has happened is no one's business but yours, your H's and for the MM and his BS, I hate that every man and his dog in a community get to judge other's actions, people in glass houses and all that.

 

Take care of you and yours.

[Spark1111]

You make me laugh. You must be a muddled aged man to know so much about other people. Clearly middle aged men have no issues and go after young weak women? And clearly his marriage just got stale and he needed an ego boost.

 

And external validation is a human instinct. We look for it in every relationship we have. Isnt that what you do every time you post and someone agrees with your logic?

 

I am married to a middle aged man. I am not a middle aged woman, so should I be checking his phone records as he is a traveling salesman? Hmmmm nope. But believe me, if he ever feels the need to cheat...and believe me I am tired most nights because I work, take care of his kids, his house blah blah blah...it's my responsibility to deal with him and his actions as it is he who comitted a adultery in OUR marriage. The OW is not my problem, nor do I need details from her. If I need details to decide if I'm going to stay or not...that is my H's responsibility to give them to me. If he chooses to lie, TT blame shift well it's my responsibility to do what is best for me. I deserve the truth and if he can't give it, after my truth is told which would be...you have a better chance at saving this marriage by being honest and then own my decisions from there on out.

 

I think people who are married need to set this boundary before they get married. It's the married couples responsibility to get into MC and deal with the deceit and whatever may have led to it not the OW's.

 

If middle aged man is TT, blame shifting, etc then it isn't the OW's responsibility to fix that for BS. This exmm admitted to having an A, what else does the W need to know to make an informative decision? My God...intercourse is forgivable but oral isn't? The OP owes the W nothing more especially when she needs to focus on her own healing.

 

You have said nothing to help the OP but to push your middle aged syndrome onto people responses. Here's some external validation for you...middle aged men cheat! We aren't entitled to fidelity.

 

If you have never been in this situation, please do not judge others who are.

 

fBS here....and my H at DDay minimized the affair, almost made it sound noble and recent, was still protecting his OW, and I was growing crazier by the minute.

 

he could have said the sky was blue and I would have had to go check it myself for all I believed ANYTHING coming out of his mouth.

 

Needing the unvarnished truth of the reality we thought we were living but come to learn it wasn't true, is crazy-making.....seriously crazy-making.

 

So the OW can choose to participate in the truth-telling (most do not) or continue to ignore the BS....which is much easier.

 

But right now, the BS believes NOTHING her H says to her.

 

You wouldn't either.

 

Affair discovery is nothing like the Lifetime movies. The WS does not sit down calmly and express why they were unhappy in the marriage or sought to have needs met elsewhere or RARELY come forward with the truth.

[Pierre]

You make me laugh. You must be a muddled aged man to know so much about other people. Clearly middle aged men have no issues and go after young weak women? And clearly his marriage just got stale and he needed an ego boost.

 

And external validation is a human instinct. We look for it in every relationship we have. Isnt that what you do every time you post and someone agrees with your logic?

 

Sure, we all need external validation, but for some is pathological. All of us also have narcissistic traits, but do not qualify for the diagnosis. We are also selfish, vain, and even cruel at times. As persons we have the entire spectrum of what makes us human.

 

 

Not a day goes by when i don't find a person in the forum in desperate search for validation. At some point it trumps everything and becomes pathological.

 

 

I am married to a middle aged man. I am not a middle aged woman, so should I be checking his phone records as he is a traveling salesman? Hmmmm nope. But believe me, if he ever feels the need to cheat...and believe me I am tired most nights because I work, take care of his kids, his house blah blah blah...it's my responsibility to deal with him and his actions as it is he who comitted a adultery in OUR marriage. The OW is not my problem, nor do I need details from her. If I need details to decide if I'm going to stay or not...that is my H's responsibility to give them to me. If he chooses to lie, TT blame shift well it's my responsibility to do what is best for me. I deserve the truth and if he can't give it, after my truth is told which would be...you have a better chance at saving this marriage by being honest and then own my decisions from there on out.

 

I agree with you 100%. The OW is moot and the most important issue is the honesty or lack of honesty in your H. Yes, I agree with you.

 

However, in this case the BW is calling and knocking at her door. The BW is a known quantity.

 

 

If I was an OM and if I f****ed the wife of a neighbor and if he wanted an explanation I would give it and I would also apologize. It is basic human decency to treat others with dignity. If the man was completely unknown to me I would probably do as you say. However, in the case of TOW the BW desperately wants to talk to TOW and the least she can do is to have a meeting with her.

 

 

 

The OP owes the W nothing more especially when she needs to focus on her own healing.

 

Part of her healing should include a meeting with this BW. She f****ed her H and an explanation would help the BW. Even if the OW is moot.

 

You have said nothing to help the OP but to push your middle aged syndrome onto people responses. Here's some external validation for you...middle aged men cheat! We aren't entitled to fidelity.

 

 

The everybody does it excuse is a fallacy.

[Spark1111]

here's a novel and adult approach.

 

OW, how about you and your spouse meet with your MM and his wife --all four of you--with maybe her pastor present and just tell the truth to each other.

 

no hiding, dodging, weaving, intermediaries....Just four adults with spiritual guidance to keep everyone calm and tell each other the truth.

 

novel concept, no?

[BetrayedH]

You make me laugh. You must be a muddled aged man to know so much about other people. Clearly middle aged men have no issues and go after young weak women? And clearly his marriage just got stale and he needed an ego boost.

 

And external validation is a human instinct. We look for it in every relationship we have. Isnt that what you do every time you post and someone agrees with your logic?

 

I am married to a middle aged man. I am not a middle aged woman, so should I be checking his phone records as he is a traveling salesman? Hmmmm nope. But believe me, if he ever feels the need to cheat...and believe me I am tired most nights because I work, take care of his kids, his house blah blah blah...it's my responsibility to deal with him and his actions as it is he who comitted a adultery in OUR marriage. The OW is not my problem, nor do I need details from her. If I need details to decide if I'm going to stay or not...that is my H's responsibility to give them to me. If he chooses to lie, TT blame shift well it's my responsibility to do what is best for me. I deserve the truth and if he can't give it, after my truth is told which would be...you have a better chance at saving this marriage by being honest and then own my decisions from there on out.

 

I think people who are married need to set this boundary before they get married. It's the married couples responsibility to get into MC and deal with the deceit and whatever may have led to it not the OW's.

 

If middle aged man is TT, blame shifting, etc then it isn't the OW's responsibility to fix that for BS. This exmm admitted to having an A, what else does the W need to know to make an informative decision? My God...intercourse is forgivable but oral isn't? The OP owes the W nothing more especially when she needs to focus on her own healing.

 

You have said nothing to help the OP but to push your middle aged syndrome onto people responses. Here's some external validation for you...middle aged men cheat! We aren't entitled to fidelity.

 

There should be a dislike button.

[Spark1111]

I still love him i cant just turn that off and im not stupid in thinking we can go any further we have caused to much destruction for that. My M is over maybe they can salvage theirs.

 

MF I understand what u are saying but right now i do not have the time to think about her i have my own life my childrens and H right now to think about, in time maybe i will think about her but not now. That is for MM not me he has deal with his family i have to deal with mines.

 

I think, for the sake of your children and his, all four of you have to sit down in public with one intermediary, like a pastor or a counselor or an armed guard, or all three, and tell the truth and swear to not hurt each other's children, family, gossiping, etc....and leave it there once and for all and be done with it.

 

that's what adults who have behaved badly should always do.

 

running away and ignoring it may make it much worse for much longer, for you and the family you now want to worry about and protect.

 

it's called damage control, and under safe settings with an impartial observer to ensure no one gets crazy, it would work for now.

[TaraMaiden]

There should be a dislike button.

There is.

It's called 'Ignore'.

 

It might seem extreme, but it works.

 

Your choice of course......

[jwi71]

TheOW-

 

Are your kids old enough for this to affect their lives at school? Elementary kids (if they are that age) are not known for being delicate - if you know what I mean. Is there a possibility that other kids use the fact you are the OW to attack them - physically and emotionally (aka bully them)? IF you live in a small time and you have already had "public" physical confrontations - the word is bound to get out.

 

Enlist IC for yourself - you went into this A specifically to seduce MM - your first post in November speaks to this. I cannot guess, and maybe you cannot either, why you would plan and choose this path. Its clearly VERY destructive as you have - and are - living. Please, if age appropriate, consider getting your kids some help too. Not about the A but about how their lives are now turned upside down at home - and how they may be turned upside down at school - ie, no escape for them.

 

Find a lawyer. Hire one. If D is the most likely path you wish to take then get proactive about. Learn the law and where you stand. Get a trained professional behind you.

 

Circle your friends and family about you. The AP almost never comes out looking good - and your MM has a built in defense and deflection mechanism - a MLC.

 

Will this A affect your job or livelihood? Again, you say its a small town and its more likely in this setting than in say NYC. What actions can you take to stay self-sufficient?

 

Consider a short vacation. Friends or relatives you can visit for a few days? Perhaps getting out of the fire is best - at least for now.

 

Your life, your kid's lives, your potentially stbxh life - all in crisis. You cannot hide in bed so to speak and expect anything positive to happen. Get out there and start taking ACTIONS for the life you wish to lead.

 

...so...what life do you wish to lead?

[blazeH]

I agree with most of your post, but the above is simply a bit off.

 

TOW was having sex with the H of this woman with great regularity. And to now say it is not my problem the wife is upset is a bit dehumanizing (see bold).

 

As human beings we should have some courtesy and kindness to each other as long as we aspire to achieve greater levels of civility.

 

I am also surprised you advise her to only concentrate on herself and kids. Why not show a bit of empathy to the husband even if she is not in love with him anymore. If you read TOW's history from beginning to end you will see the H is basically a nice man. TOW did not demonize the H to justify her affair.

 

 

The affair itself is just LIFE and these things happen. Anyone can have an affair and I am certain I will be tempted to have sex with a young woman when I get older.:D

 

What is really important is what she does now. Will she take this opportunity to grow and become a greater person? Does TOW have a conscience? Sweeping the pain inflicted on others under the rug is not a good remedy for TOW.

 

 

There is a difference in a empathizing and being responsible for what the BS chooses to do once the A is exposed. I can feel sorry for what the role I played in her anger, hurt, sadness but she gets to take responsibility for her actions thereafter. I guess I don't really get the whole needing to know all the details from my H's OW. Sounds like self torture to me. And I just don't think the OW is obligated to do the work that the H should be doing.

 

As far as her H...she was able to finally be honest with him. It's up to him to decide what he does with that honesty. You can be empathetic by being honest. Acknowledging the hurt you caused which she did. What more should she be doing? Anything more could lead to a false hope and to me that would be more hurtful.

 

I do agree on the rug sweeping. But she only owes the truth to her spouse. What exmm does is his problem. I guess for me, if I choose to stay in a M where there has been infidelity...all I need to know is that my husband went outside my M to get something that i wasn't able to give him. Why I wasn't able will be established if I choose to stay. His A was his choice, and my choice is to choose to rebuild with him or without him. I don't need details to know what my M looked like prior to my world being torn apart. At the end of the day I only am responsible for myself, and my minor childrens behavior. And responsible for my actions in response to those behaviors.

 

I feel empathy for those I have hurt, but i am no more responsible for their reaction whether deserved in the eyes of most or not. The exmm W involved the OP children by not controlling herself and going to her home. Not quite sure why children need to experience the consequences of someone else's behavior? But clearly the W had no empathy for these kids. She is an adult, a middle aged one at that...grow up!!! Oh and I'm sorry your H cheated on you. I hope he can now be honest with you, and you can make a decision that is best for you. No one deserves to be cheated on. And no child deserves to have their mothers mm W barge into their home going after there mother...regardless of mommys bad behavior.

[TaraMaiden]

I think, for the sake of your children and his, all four of you have to sit down in public with one intermediary, like a pastor or a counselor or an armed guard, or all three, and tell the truth and swear to not hurt each other's children, family, gossiping, etc....and leave it there once and for all and be done with it.

 

that's what adults who have behaved badly should always do.

 

running away and ignoring it may make it much worse for much longer, for you and the family you now want to worry about and protect.

 

it's called damage control, and under safe settings with an impartial observer to ensure no one gets crazy, it would work for now.

 

 

Okay, bear with me - this is long, but there's a point:

 

Forgive my tastes, but I was watching an episode of 'Oprah' with Dr Phil doing his usual, and there was a middle-aged woman on there, taking her best friend (for over 40 years) to task for having had an affair with her son.

 

The son was 25, and perfectly capable of making his own decisions, doing what he wanted, and putting it where he felt like putting it.

 

Now, the close and proximate relationship these two women shared, should perhaps have been a bar to such a thing happening, but it was a choice, made by two consenting adults...

 

Dr Phil actually asked 'the transgressing friend' -"What were you thinking - ?!" and she tried to explain.

 

He then came in with his standard

"Yew aither geddit orr yew deon't - and yew - deon't geddit!"

 

TBH, I had some sympathy for the older-woman/lover.... she apologised - I don't know how many times - and tried to point out that it was a mutual attraction, a mutual decision and something they both wanted and needed at the time.

 

Neither of them were married, neither of them had partners. But this woman was being crucified - in public - on national TV. And she maintained her composure, her dignity and although her apology was quite evidently sincere and heartfelt, she stood her ground and tried to at least defend her corner.

 

The young guy declined to appear, and refused to comment.

 

The mother, however, was utter poison.

 

No matter what her friend said, or tried to put across, no matter how much she apologised, no matter how sincere and contrite she was, the mother was having none of it. She was disdainful, unforgiving and utterly unmoved by the other woman's efforts to either explain, or apologise.

 

And I was actually quite irritated by her attitude.

 

The point I'm making is this:

No matter who might be present, in an arbitrary role, the BW may never take kindly to TheOW's position, and efforts to come clean, clarify and explain.

The MM may not wish to participate. In fact, neither he or the BW might feel co-operative.

 

This needs time.This needs careful handling, and this may never achieve the neat, pat closure that we could all see is possible....

Only TheOW will know, over time, whether such a gathering is possible.

 

Right now?

I'd refrain even thinking about such a meeting.

And if anyone should suggest or request it, it should be the BW.

[blazeH]

Oh I have been in this situation and that is why I can say that I am responsible for my own choice to stay In my marriage. It wasn't the OW's responsibility to make me feel better. It wasn't her responsibility to fill in the gaps that the man I was married to had no reason not to just tell me the truth once the A was exposed. I didn't need details. I needed to know that an A happened, there were reasons and (I think excuses isn't the right word) and although I wasn't the one out getting my dick wet...I from here on out had an obligation to myself so that I wasn't enabling bad behavior.

[Pierre]

There is a difference in a empathizing and being responsible for what the BS chooses to do once the A is exposed. I can feel sorry for what the role I played in her anger, hurt, sadness but she gets to take responsibility for her actions thereafter. I guess I don't really get the whole needing to know all the details from my H's OW. Sounds like self torture to me. And I just don't think the OW is obligated to do the work that the H should be doing.

 

As far as her H...she was able to finally be honest with him. It's up to him to decide what he does with that honesty. You can be empathetic by being honest. Acknowledging the hurt you caused which she did. What more should she be doing? Anything more could lead to a false hope and to me that would be more hurtful.

 

I do agree on the rug sweeping. But she only owes the truth to her spouse. What exmm does is his problem. I guess for me, if I choose to stay in a M where there has been infidelity...all I need to know is that my husband went outside my M to get something that i wasn't able to give him. Why I wasn't able will be established if I choose to stay. His A was his choice, and my choice is to choose to rebuild with him or without him. I don't need details to know what my M looked like prior to my world being torn apart. At the end of the day I only am responsible for myself, and my minor childrens behavior. And responsible for my actions in response to those behaviors.

 

I feel empathy for those I have hurt, but i am no more responsible for their reaction whether deserved in the eyes of most or not. The exmm W involved the OP children by not controlling herself and going to her home. Not quite sure why children need to experience the consequences of someone else's behavior? But clearly the W had no empathy for these kids. She is an adult, a middle aged one at that...grow up!!! Oh and I'm sorry your H cheated on you. I hope he can now be honest with you, and you can make a decision that is best for you. No one deserves to be cheated on. And no child deserves to have their mothers mm W barge into their home going after there mother...regardless of mommys bad behavior.

 

 

This is a much better post.

 

And I agree with you again. The OW and OM are moot, they can be any Joe Blow or Jane Doe.

 

I also agree, that involving the kids was ugly, but TOW shares the blame here too.

 

But, the issue remains:

 

Assume you had an affair and the betrayed spouse is knocking at your door or calling in the phone to talk to you. What would you do?

[blazeH]

This is a much better post.

 

And I agree with you again. The OW and OM are moot, they can be any Joe Blow or Jane Doe.

 

I also agree, that involving the kids was ugly, but TOW shares the blame here too.

 

But, the issue remains:

 

Assume you had an affair and the betrayed spouse is knocking at your door or calling in the phone to talk to you. What would you do?

 

Honestly...I don't know what I would do. If my kids were home and I knew BS was there I'd probably not open. But idk really. But as a FBS, I know that I would never go to the house of the OW. To me my safety isn't worth the little bit of rage that I could get out. I had to learn the hard way how little I valued myself in my marriage. But it was my lesson to learn. It was my self discovery and I did it so that I never had to worry if my H decided to cheat again.

 

How will I know...I just will. There are always red flags, it's what we choose to ignore that keeps the secret from becoming our reality.

[Pierre]

Honestly...I don't know what I would do. If my kids were home and I knew BS was there I'd probably not open. But idk really. But as a FBS, I know that I would never go to the house of the OW. To me my safety isn't worth the little bit of rage that I could get out. I had to learn the hard way how little I valued myself in my marriage. But it was my lesson to learn. It was my self discovery and I did it so that I never had to worry if my H decided to cheat again.

 

How will I know...I just will. There are always red flags, it's what we choose to ignore that keeps the secret from becoming our reality.

 

I agree with you again. The BW going to the house of TOW in a hysterical fashion is extremely bad. If I was betrayed i would never seek any contact with the other party because as you said it can be anyone and it is not important.

 

However, I feel for the poor woman. Her world has crashed and TOW could offer some comfort.

[TheOW]

I will speak to her in time but not now i owe her nothing right now, i need to clean up my own mess before i clean up hers. Cruel i know but i need to get my head around my own marriage and what my future plans are, i cant deal with hers as well. My kids are toddlers so it does not affect schooling. His wife is still texting now calling me a gold digger as there is no possible way i would want him otherwise. MM is an attractive man and he gave me what i wanted and felt i needed.

 

Husbands family came and took some of his things and acted like i didnt exist, just came in took what they wanted and left, ignoring the kids as well. My mom says she is to disgusted to speak to me right now.

[Pierre]

I will speak to her in time but not now i owe her nothing right now, i need to clean up my own mess before i clean up hers. Cruel i know but i need to get my head around my own marriage and what my future plans are, i cant deal with hers as well. My kids are toddlers so it does not affect schooling. His wife is still texting now calling me a gold digger as there is no possible way i would want him otherwise. MM is an attractive man and he gave me what i wanted and felt i needed.

 

Husbands family came and took some of his things and acted like i didnt exist, just came in took what they wanted and left, ignoring the kids as well. My mom says she is to disgusted to speak to me right now.

 

I get the picture.

 

Please stay calm and wait till the storm passes. It may be a couple of weeks before things die down a bit. However, expect roller coasters from all involved including yourself for many months to come.

 

I hope everything works out for you. I believe you have a heart of gold despite whatever errors you made. All of us make mistakes, I know I have.

 

I think I now understand why it is best to remain calm and silent.

[TheOW]

I can't speak with her or anyone right now I'm being to defensive I would end up saying things to her I would later regret in the heat of the moment. she's hurting I'm hurting, everyone is hurting but confronting her right now is not good for either of us. It's not all about her!!!!!

[Spark1111]

Okay, bear with me - this is long, but there's a point:

 

Forgive my tastes, but I was watching an episode of 'Oprah' with Dr Phil doing his usual, and there was a middle-aged woman on there, taking her best friend (for over 40 years) to task for having had an affair with her son.

 

The son was 25, and perfectly capable of making his own decisions, doing what he wanted, and putting it where he felt like putting it.

 

Now, the close and proximate relationship these two women shared, should perhaps have been a bar to such a thing happening, but it was a choice, made by two consenting adults...

 

Dr Phil actually asked 'the transgressing friend' -"What were you thinking - ?!" and she tried to explain.

 

He then came in with his standard

"Yew aither geddit orr yew deon't - and yew - deon't geddit!"

 

TBH, I had some sympathy for the older-woman/lover.... she apologised - I don't know how many times - and tried to point out that it was a mutual attraction, a mutual decision and something they both wanted and needed at the time.

 

Neither of them were married, neither of them had partners. But this woman was being crucified - in public - on national TV. And she maintained her composure, her dignity and although her apology was quite evidently sincere and heartfelt, she stood her ground and tried to at least defend her corner.

 

The young guy declined to appear, and refused to comment.

 

The mother, however, was utter poison.

 

No matter what her friend said, or tried to put across, no matter how much she apologised, no matter how sincere and contrite she was, the mother was having none of it. She was disdainful, unforgiving and utterly unmoved by the other woman's efforts to either explain, or apologise.

 

And I was actually quite irritated by her attitude.

 

The point I'm making is this:

No matter who might be present, in an arbitrary role, the BW may never take kindly to TheOW's position, and efforts to come clean, clarify and explain.

The MM may not wish to participate. In fact, neither he or the BW might feel co-operative.

 

This needs time.This needs careful handling, and this may never achieve the neat, pat closure that we could all see is possible....

Only TheOW will know, over time, whether such a gathering is possible.

 

Right now?

I'd refrain even thinking about such a meeting.

And if anyone should suggest or request it, it should be the BW.

 

It's ALL of them or it is NONE of them.

 

This is not about ratings or closure. This is about all sides of the story being heard with careful handling and the vow to answer all questions honestly and then good-bye.

 

This is about having the decency to be honest in exchange for having the decency to leave each other alone for life while both couples and families separate to their respective corners to heal.

 

Golddigger, now?

 

This is taking on huge, rediculous proportions, and the projection being hurled in OWs direction will continue to escalate, I predict, until there is a sit down in a controlled, carefully handled manner.

[TaraMaiden]

It's ALL of them or it is NONE of them.

Totally with you on this....

 

Yes, agreed and they'd all have to be for it.

All of them, together.

And all of them, open and receptive to all aspects of the different angles.

 

Tall order, at this point, I think.

[Spark1111]

I can't speak with her or anyone right now I'm being to defensive I would end up saying things to her I would later regret in the heat of the moment. she's hurting I'm hurting, everyone is hurting but confronting her right now is not good for either of us. It's not all about her!!!!!

 

That is why it cannot be just you and her. MM MUST be there as MUST your H, and a neutral party.

 

Agree to tell her whatever she wants to know, one time only, with him present and your H, in exchange for never speaking or speaking ill to each other again.

 

Threaten a restraining order, if need be, but she has one chance and one chance only. If she doesn't remain calm, you will leave. If she continues to harrass you, you will file.

 

But you need witnesses, and MM has to be there absolutely. Ask her when they would BOTH be available.

 

What is MM DOING IN ALL OF THIS? Hiding under the bed?

 

Sheesh.

 

Stay strong. I'm rooting for you.

[jwi71]

I can't speak with her or anyone right now I'm being to defensive I would end up saying things to her I would later regret in the heat of the moment. she's hurting I'm hurting, everyone is hurting but confronting her right now is not good for either of us. It's not all about her!!!!!

 

You are correct - I would AVOID the BS. No good comes of it. Maybe, in time, you might CONSIDER it - and even then its highly suspect - and altogether too soon now.

 

Please do NOT allow yourself to become isolated. LS is NOT a substitute for your friends and family. Yes, I know, they aren't happy with you but you need an outlet.

 

Its ok to vent. I encourage you to do so. Please, if you choose LS to vent, let us know you ARE venting so we don't misunderstand. Also note that you will not be viewed kindly - of course, you are living that now. It PASSES. And if you can handle it IRL then you can handle it here.

 

Exhale. Breathe. Relax. Meditate. Calm down.

 

If I ask: How do you want this to end...what is your knee-jerk answer. First thing in your head?

[ComingInHot]

I am a little nervous about a face to face meet with all 4 at this stage. There are a-lot of volatile, raw emotions running around. Even with a mediator, things could go south, fast.

 

Phone call with a third party listening, yes.

 

Face to face? Maybe not so much. I don't know...

 

BUT I do think you need to speak with her sooner rather than later because I can see your ostriching only spurring her anger to spread farther.

 

You don't need that, your kids don't need that, your husband doesn't need that and his Wife doesn't need that.

It shouldn't be too bad, I mean you have already talked to her in the past so you are a little familiar with her*

 

Unless it is yourself that you are nervous about the reaction. I Can see how someone who backs themselves into a corner could become defensive at anyone else invading the space.

[BetrayedH]

It's not all about her!!!!!

 

When does it get to be her turn? You and MM had your turn for it to be all about you. Seems like it's her turn to me. In the meantime she's left thinking it's about gold-digging and whatever other such nonsense fills her mind either by the MM or her own imagination. To use your own word, yes, it's cruel.

[Spark1111]

When does it get to be her turn? You and MM had your turn for it to be all about you. Seems like it's her turn to me. In the meantime she's left thinking it's about gold-digging and whatever other such nonsense fills her mind either by the MM or her own imagination. To use your own word, yes, it's cruel.

 

And I reiterate, where is he in this mess? even if you and your H do Divorce....your H still deserves the truth. You had the courage to tell him and you claimed you told him all.

 

Why not ALL sit down and you, with your H's support....tell MM and his wife the truth as you told it to your H?

 

I couldn't spend my life looking over my shoulder or my children's shoulder because one very wronged and aggrieved person AND their runaway imagination were being ALLOWED to make it all MY fault.

 

Unh uh.

 

in my runaway imagination, when she wouldn't return my phone calls, I believed in my insanity it had just gone underground....and I was still being gaslit.

 

it made me crazy, crazier than I had to be.

 

I also thought SHE was still protecting him, so why would she do that? Did she still hope he would come back to her once he righted the marriage?

 

guess what?

 

I was right on both accounts.

 

If that is not your feelings, then tell her.

[spice4life]

And I reiterate, where is he in this mess? even if you and your H do Divorce....your H still deserves the truth. You had the courage to tell him and you claimed you told him all.

 

Why not ALL sit down and you, with your H's support....tell MM and his wife the truth as you told it to your H?

 

I couldn't spend my life looking over my shoulder or my children's shoulder because one very wronged and aggrieved person AND their runaway imagination were being ALLOWED to make it all MY fault.

 

Unh uh.

 

in my runaway imagination, when she wouldn't return my phone calls, I believed in my insanity it had just gone underground....and I was still being gaslit.

 

it made me crazy, crazier than I had to be.

 

I also thought SHE was still protecting him, so why would she do that? Did she still hope he would come back to her once he righted the marriage?

 

guess what?

 

I was right on both accounts.

 

If that is not your feelings, then tell her.

 

Okay, I going to chime in for a second to tell you that you should absolutely listen to Spark111 on this one. It is excellent advice for TWO huge reasons.

 

1) I know you have a lot of crap flying through your head right now, but this trama will have an impact on your children. Do not discount how this impacts them on the basis that they are toddlers. It is imperative (sp?) that you shield them from this right now at all cost. Why? The first four years of a childs life are THE most important because you are setting the foundation for how they will handle life when they are adults. Any trama that happens now will impact them for the rest of their life...especially if it is swept under the rug and not dealt with. I KNOW this because it has taken me 46 years to understand a trama I experienced when I was four years old.

 

2) You made a f**cking mistake and now you have to put aside how YOU are feeling and deal with it like an adult...for your kids sake! I cannot STRESS this enough. F**cking get your head out of your rear and confront this situation together with all of the adults involved. You are an adult, you made a choice and now you must confront it and put it to rest so everyone can get on with their healing. Your childrens emotional future depends on it and that is no joke.

 

Ignore this advice if you want, but I cannot stress enough how important it is for YOU to follow.

 

On a side note, you are very lucky in a sense. I got involved with someone who I thought was separated and going through a divorce. Well, I had no idea what the reality was and was confronted and attacked indirectly by someone through cyber stalking and I still have NO clue who it was or why. They never had the guts to come to me directly and let me know what the h*ll was going on and WHY they did it. I still don't know to this day who it was. It could have been the BS for all I know, so consider yourself lucky that you at least know who is angry and why. Be an adult and face this and put it to bed so everyone can move on with their healing. Your feelings do not count right now until you do. The only feelings that matter in this story are the children...the adults can handle themselves. So just pull up your big girl panties and confront this and get it over with. Then the WORST will be over.

 

Vent over and good luck!