Sh*T has hit the pan

[spice4life]

Oh, and the people who chose to attack me before letting me know what the REAL deal was were f**cking cowards. The BS in your story is NOT. She wants answers and she is knocking on your door to get them. Consider yourself lucky that you are not fighting a person who chooses cloak and dagger to get their answers. She has guts...respect it and answer her questions. Period.

[promises]

I can't speak with her or anyone right now I'm being to defensive I would end up saying things to her I would later regret in the heat of the moment. she's hurting I'm hurting, everyone is hurting but confronting her right now is not good for either of us. It's not all about her!!!!!

 

 

I'm one of the few that agree with you on this, OW.

[seren]

TheOW, the OW (no pun intended) rang and spoke to me a few times after D Day. There was no shouty stuff, she was hurt and needed answers and H didn't want to talk to her, so she asked me, cried because she had loved him and thought the A was more than it was. At that instance we were just two women who were hurt and both needed to hear the truth from each other. I didn't and wouldn't ever have been her friend, we were and are very different, but she asked, I answered and I asked and she answered, I thanked her for her honesty, which was everything H had told me and must have hurt her to tell. But, what she said helped me to see the A for what it was and I am grateful to her for her honesty.

Although she did later do some pretty despicable things to me, but it came from her anger, even though it was misdirected.

 

It sounds like everyone is up in the air with taking on board the reality of the A, sometimes there will be anger, you don't know what he has said and he may have told the 'crazy stalker' excuse, physical attacks are a no, no for anyone. Personally speaking, I would lie low at the moment and concentrate on me and mine.

[Spark1111]

Oh, and the people who chose to attack me before letting me know what the REAL deal was were f**cking cowards. The BS in your story is NOT. She wants answers and she is knocking on your door to get them. Consider yourself lucky that you are not fighting a person who chooses cloak and dagger to get their answers. She has guts...respect it and answer her questions. Period.

 

I agree! She could be fighting cowardly ghosts for the rest of her life. who needs that anxiety?

[Spark1111]

I'm one of the few that agree with you on this, OW.

 

I'm sorry promises, but I disagree.

 

it IS all about the BS right now, and in her crazy, vengeful search for truth, she is acting like a true women SCORNED and BETRAYED.

 

In other words, she loved and trusted the bastard and is now acting like she is crazy angry betrayed.

 

She is NOT acting like a cold, loveless, uncaring spouse and women can recognize that in other women a mile away. the OW in my sitch recognized it in me, for the first time, at DDay. it was the first time she was forced to confront all his insinuated BS about me, my love, and our marriage. And it turned her preconceived notions, her assumptions, right on it's head.

 

She LOVES him. Only women in love act this crazy.

 

and I agree with spice. NO ONE was thinking of her babies or his grown children while having fun in the affair fantasy bubble, cuz no one thought they'd get caught.

 

ell, they were and unbelievable life-altering consequences are raining down on their heads. painful, I know.

 

BUT, it is time to put their personal feelings aside and take the high road and SHOW their children how an adult handles mess... Don't avoid, run away, or feel sorry for YOURSELF.

 

handle it with integrity, truth, honesty and courage.

 

You owe it to your children and yourself. time to grieve and mourn later in private.....like a grown up does.

[Pierre]

I can't speak with her or anyone right now I'm being to defensive I would end up saying things to her I would later regret in the heat of the moment. she's hurting I'm hurting, everyone is hurting but confronting her right now is not good for either of us. It's not all about her!!!!!

 

OK, I get the statement in bold. But it also says you will be very defensive and defensive people often attack.

 

If I was the BW the last thing I would want to do is talk to TOW. And, if I was TOW I would not call the BW to discuss the affair.

 

However, the BW is calling and knocking on the door. In this instance if I was OW I would talk to the BW on the phone in a calm manner.

 

However, I suspect TOW is highly insecure and insecure people have a very hard time in facing their mistakes. In fact, they spend a lifetime avoiding the issue of failure or past errors. OTOH, a person with a healthy self esteem is immediately willing to accept blame and is remorseful. For a highly insecure person with low self esteem accepting blame is a HUGE blow and not an easy decision.

 

So I suspect TOW may never talk to the BW. But, as a prior poster said this may cause a lot more trouble for TOW.

[Spark1111]

IF the common characteristics of cheaters IS true: conflict-avoidant, poor communication skills and low self-esteem is true....this thread just proves it in spades....in SPADES.

[BetrayedH]

I'm sorry promises, but I disagree.

 

it IS all about the BS right now, and in her crazy, vengeful search for truth, she is acting like a true women SCORNED and BETRAYED.

 

In other words, she loved and trusted the bastard and is now acting like she is crazy angry betrayed.

 

She is NOT acting like a cold, loveless, uncaring spouse and women can recognize that in other women a mile away. the OW in my sitch recognized it in me, for the first time, at DDay. it was the first time she was forced to confront all his insinuated BS about me, my love, and our marriage. And it turned her preconceived notions, her assumptions, right on it's head.

 

She LOVES him. Only women in love act this crazy.

 

and I agree with spice. NO ONE was thinking of her babies or his grown children while having fun in the affair fantasy bubble, cuz no one thought they'd get caught.

 

ell, they were and unbelievable life-altering consequences are raining down on their heads. painful, I know.

 

BUT, it is time to put their personal feelings aside and take the high road and SHOW their children how an adult handles mess... Don't avoid, run away, or feel sorry for YOURSELF.

 

handle it with integrity, truth, honesty and courage.

 

You owe it to your children and yourself. time to grieve and mourn later in private.....like a grown up does.

 

Great post.

[TheOW]

I will speak with her soon, i have other more important things like my children to attend to, they are not well at the moment both have chest infections. My priorities right now are them and my H. MM will have to deal with her I cant until im ready to face upto what ive really done and right now im defensive and a confrontation with her is not in her best interests, trust me on this. Im so backed up in a corner right now im ready to lash out, my kids are ill H has walked out and not helping them, family still not talking to me, no friends have come along, town hates my guts - f*ck them all every single one of them HER included.

[TheOW]

My husband got his answers every single detail, every date everything he asked for he got it truthfully, MM wife should get the same of him its not up to me to do that you dont see my H going round there and asking MM for answers. But what do i know im just the local golddigger who sleeps with old men for their money, never once did MM give me money or any gifts i never asked nor expected them. I am not poor either maybe no where near as well off as them but not poor either. The more sh*t she throws at me and the local gossips the harder i will become.

[TheOW]

Oh yes im sorry the only person hurting in this is her, forgot about that i forgot that she is the most important one.

[Radu]

I will speak with her soon, i have other more important things like my children to attend to, they are not well at the moment both have chest infections. My priorities right now are them and my H. MM will have to deal with her I cant until im ready to face upto what ive really done and right now im defensive and a confrontation with her is not in her best interests, trust me on this. Im so backed up in a corner right now im ready to lash out, my kids are ill H has walked out and not helping them, family still not talking to me, no friends have come along, town hates my guts - f*ck them all every single one of them HER included.

 

I'm writing this not for you, i'm writing this for other cheaters.

 

I keep reading from them that cheating doesn't hurt anyone.

 

Well, if not for cheating you would have a former husband that would probably be with you right now because the kids are sick and a whole support system in place.

Kids get hurt by cheating.

 

Get the H to help you with the sick kids.

Edited February 14, 2013 by Radu

[ComingInHot]

Ow;

..."no H, no family, no friends... f'em all everyone of them including her..."

AND

..."It's Not just about her"

 

And therein squats the toad.

 

YOUR Decisions, MM's decisions. If it had been even a little about her (as it should have) then maybe you'd have H, Family & friends. Maybe you'd be able to talk to H about needing things to change ie, D amicably etc...

Maybe you wouldn't be SO angry at EVERYBODY else who you feel should support you.

 

You are in the very situation you put Yourself into.

His Wife is in this situation because you & MM Put her there.

 

You spoke to this woman when you shouldn't have.

I think now is the time you Should speak w/her.

 

Why are you SO angry w/her for what you helped do to her?

Why, if you don't want your H are you angry that he's stepped out?

Why are you So angry w/family & friends?

 

What did you Really expect to happen?

 

It's not just about You!!! It never was.

[Mint Sauce]

27 vs 45...

 

MM has probably used his seniority (whichever way packaged) to seduce a younger woman, but now the sky comes tumbling down, he fails to use that seniority to (1) protect you, or (2) at least own up to his responsibility in all this (which I'd say is greater than 50%, given the age difference).

 

TheOW, you chose a selfish man as your AP. Only he deserves your anger.

[Lostinlife4now]

I dont know what im thinking right now my marriage is over his wife is out for my blood, i will speak with her when she calms down i will tell her the whole truth from my own mouth and answer all her questions but not right now. Yes i had previously spoken with her we live in same area it was hard not to even though i tried to avoid it many times.

 

I dont know what i want right now, but me and MM are over i wont go back there ever, im learning a very hard lesson right now and i will have to pick myself up and face everyone for the benefit of my children.

 

See OW.....

 

You are thinking! Do not rush into anything that you will regret later. Don't be IMPULSIVE! I always was, and it gets' you know where.

 

Take care of your kids FIRST. Then YOU!!!

 

Pull out a piece of paper and just write things down that come to your mind about all of this...Random thoughts...Fold it and stuff it in your bra so you can put your finger on it. You would be surprised at the end of the day how much your emotions were all over the place in a 24 hour period.

 

Nothing good ever comes out of not having a plan.

 

IMO....it's no one elses' business expect the 4 parties involved. People don't need to know the "dirty little secrets". Get my drift?

 

and RELAX!

[jwi71]

I will speak with her soon, i have other more important things like my children to attend to, they are not well at the moment both have chest infections. My priorities right now are them and my H.

 

I agree...you care for your children, yourself and your H (or stbxh) before anything else.

 

Given that the BS pushed past one of your toddlers to attack you - a fact somehow overlooked by more than a few - avoid her - no good comes of it - not now, possibly not ever. There is some major projection going in this thread by some posters.

 

MM will have to deal with her I cant until im ready to face upto what ive really done and right now im defensive and a confrontation with her is not in her best interests, trust me on this.

 

I would suggest getting away. Take a few days vacation anywhere.

 

Im so backed up in a corner right now im ready to lash out, my kids are ill H has walked out and not helping them, family still not talking to me, no friends have come along, town hates my guts - f*ck them all every single one of them HER included.

 

Its unfortunate but not unforeseen that you are here as the goat.

Getting angry at the world isn't going to help anyone or anything.

 

Again, my advice - get out of town for a bit. Your very presence is fuel for the fire so to speak. It DOES get better. It WILL get better.

 

But less about tomorrow and more about today. Focus on you, your kids, your family - nothing else matters to you. In time, one might consider reaching out. But it certainly isn't a requirement.

[Lostinlife4now]

I will speak with her soon, i have other more important things like my children to attend to, they are not well at the moment both have chest infections. My priorities right now are them and my H. MM will have to deal with her I cant until im ready to face upto what ive really done and right now im defensive and a confrontation with her is not in her best interests, trust me on this. Im so backed up in a corner right now im ready to lash out, my kids are ill H has walked out and not helping them, family still not talking to me, no friends have come along, town hates my guts - f*ck them all every single one of them HER included.

 

And if you are in this frame of mind right now...DO NOT TALK TO ANYONE! Talk to yourself..You need some peace, quiet.

 

This is the same way I would react, especially if my children were sick and I was alone. and Prayer is Always Good. God Does Forgive!

[woinlove]

Given that the BS pushed past one of your toddlers to attack you - a fact somehow overlooked by more than a few - avoid her - no good comes of it - not now, possibly not ever. There is some major projection going in this thread by some posters.

 

Yes, she said the BW pushed past one of the toddlers, but TheOW said it was her that went for the BW, not the other way around. It is not clear that the BW has violent tendencies, and had been described as lovely previously. I get the sense that TheOW is afraid of her own anger and possible actions in meeting with the BW. And that is valid. I talked to an extremely angry and even somewhat temporarily destructive BW, but I had no anger toward her and was not afraid of my own actions, so a different situation. TheOW has to get control of her own anger first.

Edited February 14, 2013 by woinlove

[Owl]

Oh yes im sorry the only person hurting in this is her, forgot about that i forgot that she is the most important one.

 

The only person who DIDN'T PARTICIPATE IN CREATING HER OWN PAIN WAS HER.

 

You created your own situation...she did not.

 

I started out trying to provide you some support...but a pity party is something you likely won't get here.

[whichwayisup]

Your anger and venom towards his wife hopefully passes soon so you can focus that anger on yourself and your (ex)MM. Not sure I quite understand your total hate on for her. Do you feel she has no right to be upset and angry at you? Realize please that your exMM threw YOU under the bus and that is why she's reacting this way.

 

Don't mean to be harsh here, but you're not the victim in all this.

 

Your affair blew up in your face and the chips are everywhere. You say your first priority is with your children, that's great as it should be but now all of a sudden your priority is your husband? He certainly wasn't at all a few days ago before exMM's wife found out about you having an A with her husband.

[jwi71]

Yes, she said the BW pushed past one of the toddlers, but TheOW said it was her that went for the BW, not the other way around. It is not clear that the BW has violent tendencies

 

I guess we will agree to disagree - but anytime I read a person pushes past a toddler - its a violent and out of control angry reaction - and that's the BS were describing. And I'm not buying the BS did such "passively" - you know, to get closer to the OP so they could talk more rationally.

 

I also conclude that the OP did NOT attack UNTIL the BS pushed past her child. And I wonder if the "pushing past" wasn't the trigger for the OP - I would most certainly lose it if some adult pushed past MY toddler.

 

Sorry...being the BS doesn't give ANYONE a free pass on physical violence. Especially on a child.

 

and had been described as lovely previously. I get the sense that TheOW is afraid of her own anger and possible actions in meeting with the BW. And that is valid. I talked to an extremely angry and even somewhat temporarily destructive BW, but I had no anger toward her and was not afraid of my own actions, so a different situation. TheOW has to get control of her own anger first.

 

Anger is ruling the day no doubt - and not without cause. Its why all parties involved AVOID one another for now.

 

And why is everyone focusing on the OP's anger? Castigating her for it?

She has EVERY right to be pissed. So does the BS.

 

If the BS wants support - she can post. Hello...WHO are we trying to help here? The OP who is posting or the BS who is NOT?

[Lostinlife4now]

I guess we will agree to disagree - but anytime I read a person pushes past a toddler - its a violent and out of control angry reaction - and that's the BS were describing. And I'm not buying the BS did such "passively" - you know, to get closer to the OP so they could talk more rationally.

 

I also conclude that the OP did NOT attack UNTIL the BS pushed past her child. And I wonder if the "pushing past" wasn't the trigger for the OP - I would most certainly lose it if some adult pushed past MY toddler.

 

Sorry...being the BS doesn't give ANYONE a free pass on physical violence. Especially on a child.

 

 

 

Anger is ruling the day no doubt - and not without cause. Its why all parties involved AVOID one another for now.

 

And why is everyone focusing on the OP's anger? Castigating her for it?

She has EVERY right to be pissed. So does the BS.

 

If the BS wants support - she can post. Hello...WHO are we trying to help here? The OP who is posting or the BS who is NOT?

 

JWI....so agree with you.

 

Anger is NOT the time to talk to someone. It NEVER resolves anything.

 

And I am trying to help the OP.

 

This is the Other Woman forum right? Or do I need new glasses AGAIN?

Edited February 14, 2013 by Lostinlife4now
Wanted to add

[woinlove]

I guess we will agree to disagree - but anytime I read a person pushes past a toddler - its a violent and out of control angry reaction - and that's the BS were describing. And I'm not buying the BS did such "passively" - you know, to get closer to the OP so they could talk more rationally.

 

I also conclude that the OP did NOT attack UNTIL the BS pushed past her child. And I wonder if the "pushing past" wasn't the trigger for the OP - I would most certainly lose it if some adult pushed past MY toddler.

 

Sorry...being the BS doesn't give ANYONE a free pass on physical violence. Especially on a child.

 

 

 

Anger is ruling the day no doubt - and not without cause. Its why all parties involved AVOID one another for now.

 

And why is everyone focusing on the OP's anger? Castigating her for it?

She has EVERY right to be pissed. So does the BS.

 

If the BS wants support - she can post. Hello...WHO are we trying to help here? The OP who is posting or the BS who is NOT?

 

Fair enough. I don't know and thought since TheOW felt bad about her actions in this incident it was more the other way around. But I really don't know and you may be right. As I said, I had no anger for the BW, so it was quite different. I didn't find the BW's anger toward me an impediment to talking to her, since I understood where her anger was coming from. When TheOW posted about the BW before, she seemed extremely detached from the situation, so I'm not sure she understands the impact of the A on others. Ultimately, it will help to come to this understanding.

 

What I do know is that how I treated the BW after d-day was part of my own learning and was something I felt I did right. So there is something to be gained there even for the OW.

Edited February 14, 2013 by woinlove

[Pierre]

If the BS wants support - she can post. Hello...WHO are we trying to help here? The OP who is posting or the BS who is NOT?

 

Support comes in two varieties.

 

We can say nice comforting words to make TOW feel good about her situation. And there is a place for that. However, there is also the issue of "tough love".

 

Tough love is an expression used when someone treats another person harshly or sternly with the intent to help them in the long run. The phrase was evidently coined by Bill Milliken when he wrote the book Tough Love in 1968 and has been used by numerous authors since then.

WIKI

 

In the end TOW may benefit from some actions that seem counter intuitive to her. I think deep inside she knows this because she has good introspection. Nevertheless, introspection is not enough to overcome yeas of learned behaviors that stem from her childhood. It is very hard to overcome low self esteem and FOO issues.

 

Some of the advice from pro EMR OWs may seem helpful, but I wonder if in the long run they can cause some damage. Paradoxically TOW will be more receptive for the advice of the pro EMR crowd.

 

The concepts of the BW is not my problem, BW was the one that destroyed the marriage, I did not make vows to BW, she can get the truth from her H, etc are deeply rooted in many OWs, but not all.

 

EMRs are a part of life. Women and men trying to get some lovin' for the sake of gene replication. We are fooled by nature over and over again. The whole idea is to leave DNA behind. I cannot blame anyone who falls in the trap.

 

However as civilized people we should treat each other with more kindness despite our own personal ambitions and insecurities.

[Journee]

JWI....so agree with you.

 

Anger is NOT the time to talk to someone. It NEVER resolves anything.

 

And I am trying to help the OP.

 

This is the Other Woman forum right? Or do I need new glasses AGAIN?

 

 

It is also an open forum. Many of the same BSs on this thread offer compassion and empathy many times over as well. Just because every now and then unpopular or hard to hear advice is given shouldn't make a BS any less or more welcome. That jab is thrown around quite a bit.