Sh*T has hit the pan

[Journee]

I agree that this is not an ideal time to hash it out. Lots of emotions flying around. Maybe set a time and place so that everyone involved is aware and not taken off guard. I hate that your children were there and impacted even slightly. I'm looking at my little man now. I would be very upset as well if someone , anyone stormed in like that. I am a BS and as hurt and angry as I was I still believe this should be a planned interaction even if it is a scheduled phone call.

 

You two do need to talk. For your benefit also. You may learn a thing or two about MM.

 

Take a breather. Often times fear manifests as anger.

[veryhappy]

The morality factor is so high on this topic, it feels as if it had been posted on the infidelity section. BS want her to be nice and accommodating to the BW. I think everybody got it.

 

Now from the other dark side of the situation, knowing how it is for the OW...the wife is collateral damage. I'm sorry everyone here is carrying such trauma and betrayal, but to be able to have an affair is to be able to take on the hurt it causes.

 

As hurt as I was in my aftermath, which was pretty tame as he didn't confess to her, doing right by her was nowhere in my mind or possibilities. The first thought of that nature happened 4 months after the ending.

 

I would certainly have nothing to talk to a woman who profiled me into a gold-digger. She's only looking for a scape goat, she has her truth. I would also call the police if someone I don't want on my property were making a scene on my property.

 

If my h wanted to talk to exMM, I'd completely get it if he didn't want to. People are not forced to talk to anyone. I've always told exMM that there would be no heart to heart between me and his W and he'd better deal with that if things got there. I also told him that in the remote possibility that I agreed, he'd need to be there because he doesn't get to play he said she said off site and after the fact.

Edited February 14, 2013 by cutedragon

[Lostinlife4now]

Exactly, but refusal to acknowledge is making the situation worse.

 

 

I can agree with this statement.

 

BUT now is NOT the right time.

 

Everyone in this situ needs a "Time OUT"!

 

Tomorrow is another day! A new day! A fresh day!

[wanting more]

I fessed up. I didn't meet her in person, although she never asked to. We did know each other, xMM and I used to work togehter. My motives in the beginning right after d-day was vengence. Vengence towards xMM because of everything she was saying to me, that he had told her about me I was mad, I was hurt, I felt so stupid. I wanted him to hurt. It really wasn't about her, some yes, but more about him. I was pis*ed at him. I started posting on here, it was then that I really started to see and understand what I had done to her. I realized that as hurt as I was by the way he had treated me, It was 100 times worse for her,* what he had done to her, AND what I had done to her.

 

I'd sent her a couple texts in respone to some she had sent me. It was just pieces and parts of the A, contradicting what he had told her. After posting and getting all the responses here, I realized I needed to give her everything I had and then walk away. I sent her an email, I apologized and did sincerely mean it. I sent my proof, emails, texts, and receipts showing it really was a 3 year affair that at the time, xMM was happily involved in.

*

I understand you wanting to get yourself in order first. But I really do believe as more time goes past, and she lets her mind keep wandering, and she keeps listening to her WS tell her his version, it'll only maker it tougher on you. Meeting up with her, that's your decision. I really don't know what I'd have done if that was asked of me.

*

I've NEVER regretted telling her. I still have so much guilt for the hurt I caused her and my SO. But I do think its what you need to do.

Edited February 14, 2013 by wanting more

[jwi71]

TheOW-

 

I apologize. I fear I derailed this thread a bit and I should know better - and I did so by engaging others. For some reason this thread "feels" contentious between LS posters. Its getting a bit heated here methinks - EVERYONE calm down.

 

Speaking as a BS, a BH to be exact, there is little you can do NOW (potentially ever) to help the W.

 

IMO, you are best served by letting things diffuse. Everyone is hurt, angry, shocked, disappointed - its a whole hurricane of yuch. Let this storm die down. The first meeting went bad (at best) and there is no reason to believe subsequent meetings will go any better. At least not in the current environment.

 

Calm down. Relax. Breathe. Its gonna be ok. I don't know when or even how - but lets hope and work towards a better tomorrow.

 

I would encourage you to begin to visualize how you want this to end. To identify a goal for YOU. If you come back OP - what do you want and, more importantly, why?

 

We cannot know what to do if we do not know where we are going (or wish to go).

[Got it]

TheOW-

 

I apologize. I fear I derailed this thread a bit and I should know better - and I did so by engaging others. For some reason this thread "feels" contentious between LS posters. Its getting a bit heated here methinks - EVERYONE calm down.

 

Speaking as a BS, a BH to be exact, there is little you can do NOW (potentially ever) to help the W.

 

IMO, you are best served by letting things diffuse. Everyone is hurt, angry, shocked, disappointed - its a whole hurricane of yuch. Let this storm die down. The first meeting went bad (at best) and there is no reason to believe subsequent meetings will go any better. At least not in the current environment.

 

Calm down. Relax. Breathe. Its gonna be ok. I don't know when or even how - but lets hope and work towards a better tomorrow.

 

I would encourage you to begin to visualize how you want this to end. To identify a goal for YOU. If you come back OP - what do you want and, more importantly, why?

 

We cannot know what to do if we do not know where we are going (or wish to go).

 

Absolutely fantastic advice.

[Owl]

I would agree that there's no value in the OP attempting to have any kind of conversation with the wife right now.

 

I don't know that the OP "owes" the wife anything.

 

But...by that same token, no one "owes" the OP anything either. She's in a situation of her own creation, willingly and willfully. There's no value nor basis for her anger at the wife or the rest of her town, really. The only person (s) that she can be angry with at this point are the MOM who threw her under the bus, and herself. They're the true co-authors of this situation.

 

With all of that said, I recommend she do take a step back, catch her breathe, regather her focus, and drive on.

[Pierre]

I fessed up. I didn't meet her in person, although she never asked to. We did know each other, xMM and I used to work togehter. My motives in the beginning right after d-day was vengence. Vengence towards xMM because of everything she was saying to me, that he had told her about me I was mad, I was hurt, I felt so stupid. I wanted him to hurt. It really wasn't about her, some yes, but more about him. I was pis*ed at him. I started posting on here, it was then that I really started to see and understand what I had done to her. I realized that as hurt as I was by the way he had treated me, It was 100 times worse for her,* what he had done to her, AND what I had done to her.

 

I'd sent her a couple texts in respone to some she had sent me. It was just pieces and parts of the A, contradicting what he had told her. After posting and getting all the responses here, I realized I needed to give her everything I had and then walk away. I sent her an email, I apologized and did sincerely mean it. I sent my proof, emails, texts, and receipts showing it really was a 3 year affair that at the time, xMM was happily involved in.

*

I understand you wanting to get yourself in order first. But I really do believe as more time goes past, and she lets her mind keep wandering, and she keeps listening to her WS tell her his version, it'll only maker it tougher on you. Meeting up with her, that's your decision. I really don't know what I'd have done if that was asked of me.

*

I've NEVER regretted telling her. I still have so much guilt for the hurt I caused her and my SO. But I do think its what you need to do.

 

What an excellent post!

 

IMHO, the d-day of TOW is proceeding according to schedule. MM was a cake eater and has thrown TOW under the bus.

 

How do I know this? If MM had said everything truthfully the BW would not be coming after TOW. Secondly she calls TOW a gold digger and TOW's relationship was not about money at all. We can presume that MM made up the typical story about how he was seduced by an evil woman that wanted his money. This is why BW is so upset. If BW had the truth she would be acting like the BH.

 

So why is TOW refusing to say a word to the BW?

 

1. She is afraid and insecure.

2. But, ultimately she wants to protect MM. That is a very typical OW behavior.

3. Deep down she still has hope of walking into the onset with MM.

4. She is too much in shock to recognize any wrong doing. As of now BW is an obstacle in her relationship. So she needs to demonize BW. Meeting BW would undo a lot of these ideas (or idealizations).

 

From my perspective, it bothers me to see TOW take the fall for this. The MM guy will be seeing as the victim of a predatory woman.

[whichwayisup]

From my perspective, it bothers me to see TOW take the fall for this. The MM guy will be seeing as the victim of a predatory woman.

 

And this is why when things calm down, she needs to talk to his wife and own her part in the A, explain her version as it does take two to have an affair. This wasn't just an oops/one night stand, this was a continuous on going, thought and effort put in lie and betrayal to keep the A going. And, if they hadn't been busted, the A would still be happening. He is so not a victim in this..And neither is the OP.

 

I'd like to know, the shove past the toddler, did exMM's wife actually touch him/her and he/she fell over causing tears and bruises? or shove past meaning walked by abruptly? Because if she laid a hand on your child, then that was so wrong of her and she owes you an apology for that!

[Darth Vader]

I will speak with her soon, i have other more important things like my children to attend to, they are not well at the moment both have chest infections. My priorities right now are them and my H. MM will have to deal with her I cant until im ready to face upto what ive really done and right now im defensive and a confrontation with her is not in her best interests, trust me on this. Im so backed up in a corner right now im ready to lash out, my kids are ill H has walked out and not helping them, family still not talking to me, no friends have come along, town hates my guts - f*ck them all every single one of them HER included.

 

 

Too Late! You already did f*ck them! You see, you're still thinking of only yourself and OM! Everyone has the right to leave you in the dust! Especially your Husband! He's destroyed right now, wondering how and why in the HELL he deserves this! Have you even considered what kind of HELL and Pain he's going through right now?

 

How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your husband did this to you?

 

Just to let you know, your Husband, perhaps STBXH, is probably getting several offers from other women in town! They'll take real good care of him!

[wanting more]

before everyone gets too direct, please remember,* d-day JUST happened 3 days ago.* From my own experience it did take more than 3 days for me to realize EVERYTHING I had done,* the hurt I had caused.*

*

Even knowing my xMM competely threw me under the bus and rolled over me back and forth a few times, I still couldn't really comprehend what was really going on. As bad as it sounds, I wasn't thinking about his BW. I was thinking he'd call me soon, he'd make up for everything. (and even worse, if I remember right, TOW xMM already texted her and told her he'd be back when the dust settles, which makes it WAY WORSE, because wanting it or not, that still shows some glimer of a future) Please just give her some time to really realize what's going on. Because today she says she's not thinking of his BW, doesn't mean tomorrow, or the next day or next week it won't really register everything going on.

*

I had a sister and good friend that knew about my A, I had someone personal who could listen to me yell, cry, or just listen to me thinking, I couldn't imagine having no one, except and internet forum to help me through.

*

*As an OW. Thinking about what you'd do d-day and what you actually do on d-day doesn't always mean the same thing

Edited February 14, 2013 by wanting more

[ComingInHot]

Wanting more;

Thank You for putting this in perspective in such a great way.

I think I tend to forget those first few hours, days, months and the effect they had on me and how long it actually took me (as a BS) to process everything.

 

I think my "thing" with Ow is that she is harboring SO much anger and hatred towards people who Don't deserve it. I guess I need to understand better that not everyone can control their emotions.

 

(I am glad I reminded myself of that just now* Thanks Wanting )

[Lostinlife4now]

I will speak with her soon, i have other more important things like my children to attend to, they are not well at the moment both have chest infections. My priorities right now are them and my H. MM will have to deal with her I cant until im ready to face upto what ive really done and right now im defensive and a confrontation with her is not in her best interests, trust me on this. Im so backed up in a corner right now im ready to lash out, my kids are ill H has walked out and not helping them, family still not talking to me, no friends have come along, town hates my guts - f*ck them all every single one of them HER included.

 

Ya know OW....

 

I was thinking about this today...What would I do in this situation...Unfortunately I am a HOT HEADED POST MENOPAUSAL ITALIAN from the city....I would probably react the same way. I don't owe her a damm thing...Yes been in plenty of trouble because of the attitude, but you can't change me.

 

I would have said something like....Talk to your Hubby, not me, his penis fell into me, not my problem....your problem, you couldn't keep him happy enough not to stray.

 

At this point and time of my life and everything I have been through...don't really care.

[ComingInHot]

Lost;

 

...Ouch.

[Pierre]

Ya know OW....

 

I was thinking about this today...What would I do in this situation...Unfortunately I am a HOT HEADED POST MENOPAUSAL ITALIAN from the city....I would probably react the same way. I don't owe her a damm thing...Yes been in plenty of trouble because of the attitude, but you can't change me.

 

I would have said something like....Talk to your Hubby, not me, his penis fell into me, not my problem....your problem, you couldn't keep him happy enough not to stray.

 

At this point and time of my life and everything I have been through...don't really care.

 

I am sorry you are having such a bad time. I also get the misery loves company philosophy. However; resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

[promises]

before everyone gets too direct, please remember,* d-day JUST happened 3 days ago.* From my own experience it did take more than 3 days for me to realize EVERYTHING I had done,* the hurt I had caused.*

*

Even knowing my xMM competely threw me under the bus and rolled over me back and forth a few times, I still couldn't really comprehend what was really going on. As bad as it sounds, I wasn't thinking about his BW. I was thinking he'd call me soon, he'd make up for everything. (and even worse, if I remember right, TOW xMM already texted her and told her he'd be back when the dust settles, which makes it WAY WORSE, because wanting it or not, that still shows some glimer of a future) Please just give her some time to really realize what's going on. Because today she says she's not thinking of his BW, doesn't mean tomorrow, or the next day or next week it won't really register everything going on.

*

I had a sister and good friend that knew about my A, I had someone personal who could listen to me yell, cry, or just listen to me thinking, I couldn't imagine having no one, except and internet forum to help me through.

*

*As an OW. Thinking about what you'd do d-day and what you actually do on d-day doesn't always mean the same thing

 

great post.

[LFH]

Ya know OW....

 

I was thinking about this today...What would I do in this situation...Unfortunately I am a HOT HEADED POST MENOPAUSAL ITALIAN from the city....I would probably react the same way. I don't owe her a damm thing...Yes been in plenty of trouble because of the attitude, but you can't change me.

 

I would have said something like....Talk to your Hubby, not me, his penis fell into me, not my problem....your problem, you couldn't keep him happy enough not to stray.

 

At this point and time of my life and everything I have been through...don't really care.

 

Yeah.. I kind of feel the same way. I didn't read this whole thread, I actually came across the one in infidelity first and responded over there.

 

I've never thought I have anything to add that she'd find valuable in a dday so why talk to her.

It's selfish but so is the fact that I'm sleeping with and in love with her husband.

The only thing I've ever told him is if she asks me flat out if we're involved I'm not going to lie. I will go out of my way not to talk to her, I will ignore her if she calls and she really better not ever do so or I"m going to be very angry with him. It's his mess. He created it by cheating on her. Its' his to clean up.

 

I can't tell her why he cheated. Why I was willing to be with him is none of her business. The answers need to come from him if answers need to be given.

 

I can say that if backed into a corner I'd probably NOT say nice things to her, which is the other reason I have no desire to speak to her. It's not my intention to compound the issue.

[spice4life]

I thought I should apologize for being so harsh last night in my postings. Childhood issues are kinda in the forefront for me right now due to a close family members situation, so I freak whenever someone discounts children based on their age. The first four years are SOOO important. TheOW, if you do nothing else at the moment that's fine, just shield the little kiddos as much as possibly can. So yeah, it was a bit of a projection.

 

Regarding my other thoughts, maybe just sending the BS a text telling her you intend on speaking with her one time and you will be honest, but that you can't right now with emotions running so high. You're in a very rough spot, that's for certain and the only option you have is to face it, be honest and then try as best you can to move on.

 

I do think you should consider counseling so you can deal with your issues and end up in a situation that truly provides you with what you want and need.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Journee]

Ya know OW....

 

I was thinking about this today...What would I do in this situation...Unfortunately I am a HOT HEADED POST MENOPAUSAL ITALIAN from the city....I would probably react the same way. I don't owe her a damm thing...Yes been in plenty of trouble because of the attitude, but you can't change me.

 

I would have said something like....Talk to your Hubby, not me, his penis fell into me, not my problem....your problem, you couldn't keep him happy enough not to stray.

 

At this point and time of my life and everything I have been through...don't really care.

 

I'm sorry if you are hurting. This has been a rough week for many it seems.

 

I won't debate your feelings. I respect this is how you feel. I just want to point CNN out that it is impossible to "keep" someone else happy. Happiness is relative. One can surely do all the "right" things in a relationship but it is up to each individual if they choose to have an affair of any kind. Chances are the AP couldn't "keep " the WS happy either. Happiness can come from so many places but it shouldn't come exclusively from another person. If someone chooses to cheat it isn't anyone's fault. It isn't anyone's responsibility to but the individual making the decision. I was betrayed. My M was not perfect. It was in horrible turmoil and limbo. I know there are things I could have done differently. Him too. I won't , however, take ownership of his decision to hurt his family. I can't "keep" him happy all of the time. I'm super but not Super Woman.

 

Again, I'm not trying to pick your feelings apart I just hate that the gap between AP's and BS's take this widening consistently. Venom flying everywhere. What do we have in common? A WS that can and does hurt us deeply. I am sorry you are hurting. I have had a rough week aswell. This part of your post just struck a cord.

 

xxx

[Journee]

Gag! For some reason I can't edit my last post but I am sorry for any typos. My Swype feature has a mind of it's own. Disregard the reference to CNN lol.

 

Smart phone ,novice user.

 

 

OP I hope you can come back to this thread. I know you have a lot on your plate.

[Lostinlife4now]

I'm sorry if you are hurting. This has been a rough week for many it seems.

 

I won't debate your feelings. I respect this is how you feel. I just want to point CNN out that it is impossible to "keep" someone else happy. Happiness is relative. One can surely do all the "right" things in a relationship but it is up to each individual if they choose to have an affair of any kind. Chances are the AP couldn't "keep " the WS happy either. Happiness can come from so many places but it shouldn't come exclusively from another person. If someone chooses to cheat it isn't anyone's fault. It isn't anyone's responsibility to but the individual making the decision. I was betrayed. My M was not perfect. It was in horrible turmoil and limbo. I know there are things I could have done differently. Him too. I won't , however, take ownership of his decision to hurt his family. I can't "keep" him happy all of the time. I'm super but not Super Woman.

 

Again, I'm not trying to pick your feelings apart I just hate that the gap between AP's and BS's take this widening consistently. Venom flying everywhere. What do we have in common? A WS that can and does hurt us deeply. I am sorry you are hurting. I have had a rough week aswell. This part of your post just struck a cord.

 

xxx

 

Journee;

 

I think you misread my post. I am not hurting at all. In fact, very happy in my life.

 

I think you missed the part it is MY personality HOT HEADED POST MENOPAUSAL ITALIAN from the city.

 

Like I said....Don't owe the BW ANYTHING!

[Lostinlife4now]

I am sorry you are having such a bad time. I also get the misery loves company philosophy. However; resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

 

 

Like I said in an earlier post. NOT having a bad time at all. Life is VERY GOOD. MY personality is a HOT HEADED POST MENOPAUSAL ITALIAN from the city. And because of my age...(cough cough) you get to the point that nothing is owed to ANYONE. I don't and won't ask for anyone's approval of how I live my life. I guess when you get older....YA JUST DON'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK. And my daughter being younger has already learned this lesson.

 

My A has been over for a very long time...but if the W ever did ask me questions about it...I would tell her to thank me. At least I made the man she is married to A "MAN". Because when I found him he was lying on the curb like an injured puppy. So sad!

 

Thanks for the concern Pierre. But not needed.

[Lostinlife4now]

Lost;

 

...Ouch.

 

 

I know right!

 

JMO......

[Got it]

After my dday I debated what, if anything, I would say to his wife. We had broken up and I thought about it but then I ran through why? Why was I telling her and what selfish motivations did I have for it. I did have a line in the sand that if she ever reached out to me directly and asked me questions/asked to talk then I would provide facts.

 

But I did have to recognize that if I was not done with him, if I felt that there was a chance that I would get back together with him that me proactively reaching out was only being done for selfish reasons as a way to hit him. And I did not feel comfortable reaching out to her and then potentially being open to getting back with him. I used dday as the line in the sand that we were done and any further relationship would have to be in a different relationships style. But I was reeling in my pain, weak in my resolve, and couldn't trust my motivations in the first few weeks.

 

For myself, if I was asked questions I would have answered but I was never contacted for information. But I did feel that he was her focus and answers needed to come from him. Maybe if I felt like he was lying or covering things up it would have been different but he did seem to come clean. I think each situation is unique.

 

OW - How are you doing today? Please remember to take care of yourself, drink plenty of water, stay away from alcohol, and speaking to a therapist can really help. (((()))))

[ComingInHot]

GotIt;

I hear you*

The outing of the A may dictate how things proceed.

-OW outing A to Wife

-H confessing A to W

-W finding out from a "feeling" then investigating

- A friend , family member or stranger or aquaintence outing the A

(I can't think of any more* )

 

In my case, the OW emailed me. She instigated and continued (not in a nice way) communication w/me.

 

I knew my H was a liar. I knew exOW was a liar. And they were both cheats. However once I knew of the A, I took what both said w/a grain of salt and put together my picture of their A the best I could taking the information that was most likely true based on my knowledge of both of them to decide for myself if the M was worth a second chance.

 

For me, the dialogue however awful was helpful for me.