Sh*T has hit the pan

[Pierre]

Like I said in an earlier post. NOT having a bad time at all. Life is VERY GOOD. MY personality is a HOT HEADED POST MENOPAUSAL ITALIAN from the city. And because of my age...(cough cough) you get to the point that nothing is owed to ANYONE. I don't and won't ask for anyone's approval of how I live my life. I guess when you get older....YA JUST DON'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK. And my daughter being younger has already learned this lesson.

 

My A has been over for a very long time...but if the W ever did ask me questions about it...I would tell her to thank me. At least I made the man she is married to A "MAN". Because when I found him he was lying on the curb like an injured puppy. So sad!

 

Thanks for the concern Pierre. But not needed.

 

I truly get the concept and perhaps this is a needed personality trait to be able to participate in an EMR. Part of the requisite is to rationalize and disregard the wife and family of the cheating MM. I get it, I have seen this over and over again.

 

There must be a gene for it (or a meme) which you have already passed to your daughter. So she will likely become an OW at some point. It is no big deal, OWs have been around since the onset of humankind.

 

I fully agree with the idea that BW should never seek the OW as the OW's role is generally meaningless. The real issue is that the H is a cheater with no character. The OW is just collateral damage for the MM.

 

But, you come across as bitter.

[Lostinlife4now]

I truly get the concept and perhaps this is a needed personality trait to be able to participate in an EMR. Part of the requisite is to rationalize and disregard the wife and family of the cheating MM. I get it, I have seen this over and over again.

 

There must be a gene for it (or a meme) which you have already passed to your daughter. So she will likely become an OW at some point. It is no big deal, OWs have been around since the onset of humankind.

 

I fully agree with the idea that BW should never seek the OW as the OW's role is generally meaningless. The real issue is that the H is a cheater with no character. The OW is just collateral damage for the MM.

 

But, you come across as bitter.

 

 

First...lets' get one thing straight...don't talk about my daughter....PISSES ME OFF... I CAN YOU CAN'T.

 

No...It's the generation. I am old school..she is not!

 

Bitter...not at all....you are confused!

[Got it]

GotIt;

I hear you*

The outing of the A may dictate how things proceed.

-OW outing A to Wife

-H confessing A to W

-W finding out from a "feeling" then investigating

- A friend , family member or stranger or aquaintence outing the A

(I can't think of any more* )

 

In my case, the OW emailed me. She instigated and continued (not in a nice way) communication w/me.

 

I knew my H was a liar. I knew exOW was a liar. And they were both cheats. However once I knew of the A, I took what both said w/a grain of salt and put together my picture of their A the best I could taking the information that was most likely true based on my knowledge of both of them to decide for myself if the M was worth a second chance.

 

For me, the dialogue however awful was helpful for me.

 

Coming, I am glad that you got some value out of it. I would get lost in my head when I would run through the situation with the, "then what?" I would say something, would imagine the different responses, my counter, and "then what". And I couldn't see what value I would add. But I didn't feel from him that he was lying to me, or to her, and my bar/my fear was never that she reached out to me. I own that I was afraid of addressing things with her with her as well. I knew that there was probably a good deal of emotion right there and I was being a coward as well not having to stand up to that level of anger. I didn't have any desire to hurt her further. I didn't have any desire to hurt her at all. And so what on earth could I say not to inflict further pain? So my "out" was I would wait for her to come to me. If there was specific information needed I would have direction. That was never presented.

 

Just as a side note, she and I have never interacted or addressed each other after all this time. We are over 5 years from dday, they have been divorced for almost 4 years, and we have never seen or addressed each other. I don't attend the kids things as I don't want my presence to upset her and don't see that changing after we marry. I have little desire to twist the knife any more than I have.

[Got it]

First...lets' get one thing straight...don't talk about my daughter....PISSES ME OFF... I CAN YOU CAN'T.

 

No...It's the generation. I am old school..she is not!

 

Bitter...not at all....you are confused!

 

Lost, trust me, it isn't worth it.

[Lostinlife4now]

Lost, trust me, it isn't worth it.

 

 

Thanks Got it! Thank you very much!!!!!

[woinlove]

There is a difference between not caring what others think and not caring about others and it seems the latter is being expressed in some posts. That's how your post comes across, Lost, and that doesn't sound happy. It all starts with caring enough about oneself, to care about how one connects to others.

[Lostinlife4now]

There is a difference between not caring what others think and not caring about others and it seems the latter is being expressed in some posts. That's how your post comes across, Lost, and that doesn't sound happy. It all starts with caring enough about oneself, to care about how one connects to others.

 

 

lol........

[woinlove]

lol........

 

Just explaining why other posters think you are hurting because of what you posted.

[Lostinlife4now]

Just explaining why other posters think you are hurting because of what you posted.

 

What that I am HOT HEADED....please don't confuse the two issues. Hurting...no at all! ..Hot headed, and hot blooded.

 

Thanks for the concern...But not needed at all.

 

I just love armchair psychologists!

 

Have a wonderful day!

[Pierre]

Ya know OW....

 

I I don't owe her a damm thing...Yes been in plenty of trouble because of the attitude, but you can't change me.

 

I would have said something like....Talk to your Hubby, not me, his penis fell into me, not my problem....your problem, you couldn't keep him happy enough not to stray.

 

At this point and time of my life and everything I have been through...don't really care.

But, why did you post with so much acrimony?

 

 

Do you realize how bitter you sound?

[TheOW]

I text his wife back and said i would speak with her when my little ones are better again, she text back saying dont bother ive gotten every dirty detail from MM, she said she has made sure everyone in the town knows what we have been upto and how much of a homewrecker i am. I didnt text back. No-one is still not talking to me, dont care actually they can call me whatever im beyond caring now. Went into the local shop to get medicine for my children and MM wifes sister refused to serve me saying i had to go elsewhere, thats when i got angry told her to go f*ck herself and hand me over the medicine i needed, she was shouting saying do i realise what i have done, she was up in my face saying i will never get MM bla bla, my kids were crying at this point and another worker came out and took her away, practically threw the medicine at me and went through the back again.

 

MM text again saying again how sorry he is and he has told his wife everything so there is no need to lie for him (i wasnt going to anyway) he said he says he has to work on his family and his marriage its best for everyone, he said he will always love me and hes sorry again bla bla ... he can f*ck off as well.

 

H sent a text asking how many others were there are his kids his bla bla ... f*ck you too

 

My mom phoned asking how the kids were and could i drop them off to her for a few hours, i need not bother coming in .... yep she was told to f*ck off as well

[ComingInHot]

Ow;

 

Oh yuck.

[Lostinlife4now]

I text his wife back and said i would speak with her when my little ones are better again, she text back saying dont bother ive gotten every dirty detail from MM, she said she has made sure everyone in the town knows what we have been upto and how much of a homewrecker i am. I didnt text back. No-one is still not talking to me, dont care actually they can call me whatever im beyond caring now. Went into the local shop to get medicine for my children and MM wifes sister refused to serve me saying i had to go elsewhere, thats when i got angry told her to go f*ck herself and hand me over the medicine i needed, she was shouting saying do i realise what i have done, she was up in my face saying i will never get MM bla bla, my kids were crying at this point and another worker came out and took her away, practically threw the medicine at me and went through the back again.

 

MM text again saying again how sorry he is and he has told his wife everything so there is no need to lie for him (i wasnt going to anyway) he said he says he has to work on his family and his marriage its best for everyone, he said he will always love me and hes sorry again bla bla ... he can f*ck off as well.

 

H sent a text asking how many others were there are his kids his bla bla ... f*ck you too

 

My mom phoned asking how the kids were and could i drop them off to her for a few hours, i need not bother coming in .... yep she was told to f*ck off as well

 

 

OW...This too shall pass!!!

[ComingInHot]

Ow;

 

I don't know how this will process but I feel like I need to express that you may want to show the general public (especially if/when dealing w/his W's extended family) a little more humility & less hostilaty(sp?)...

 

When you begin D proceedings, heaven forbid someone brings up anger issues, volital personality and a bunch of other ugly stuff affecting custody.

 

Your children want their Mommy. PLEASE don't do or say anything more that could jepordize that!!

[Lostinlife4now]

But, why did you post with so much acrimony?

 

 

Do you realize how bitter you sound?

 

 

Hot Headed through and through.....

 

NOT bitter.....

[Pierre]

I text his wife back and said i would speak with her when my little ones are better again, she text back saying dont bother ive gotten every dirty detail from MM, she said she has made sure everyone in the town knows what we have been upto and how much of a homewrecker i am. I didnt text back. No-one is still not talking to me, dont care actually they can call me whatever im beyond caring now. Went into the local shop to get medicine for my children and MM wifes sister refused to serve me saying i had to go elsewhere, thats when i got angry told her to go f*ck herself and hand me over the medicine i needed, she was shouting saying do i realise what i have done, she was up in my face saying i will never get MM bla bla, my kids were crying at this point and another worker came out and took her away, practically threw the medicine at me and went through the back again.

 

MM text again saying again how sorry he is and he has told his wife everything so there is no need to lie for him (i wasnt going to anyway) he said he says he has to work on his family and his marriage its best for everyone, he said he will always love me and hes sorry again bla bla ... he can f*ck off as well.

 

H sent a text asking how many others were there are his kids his bla bla ... f*ck you too

 

My mom phoned asking how the kids were and could i drop them off to her for a few hours, i need not bother coming in .... yep she was told to f*ck off as well

 

OK, so MM finally talked and BW realized there was no point in talking to you. In terms of EMRs the real issue is the cheating H. The OW is just an innocent bystander with her own issues and it can be anyone.

 

Nevertheless, society is still f****ed up and the OW takes the blame whereas the cheating MM rides into the sunset as a victim.

 

I suggest you move. This is going to be ugly for some time.

 

And try not to be bitter. Like I said to another poster: This is like taking poison and expecting some one else to die from the poison. It does not work and you end up getting sick by the poison.

 

It is what it is. You cannot do anything to change the past. I believe you are a good person, but you fell into an EMR. You need to seek counseling to figure out why you had this EMR. I think the reasons are obvious, but repeating the reasons out loud is not enough.

 

Please stop this f**** them attitude. That is exactly what they expect from you and in their minds corroborate their views on you.

[woinlove]

TheOW, I agree with others about the attitude toward others not helping you, but I also recall you saying earlier you had trouble dealing with your emotions, may also have ADD, and were planning on IC. If that has already been set up, that's great, but otherwise, I think you should give that a high priority. It can help you sort out all your emotions and help you see where it is you want to be and how to get there. Good luck with that.

[TheOW]

What do u expect me to do Pierre ?? sit in town square and let everyone come and take their shot at me ? I wont do it, i wont let them tear me apart without fighting back !!!! NO NO NO

 

Im not bitter either far from it actually, im defensive, i wont run and hide and i wont back down from them either.

 

I know what i have done and believe me im paying a higher price than them all for it. MM will get his marriage back and according to these boards it will probably be better than ever. H will find another woman he's a good catch and good man and i dont deserve him.

[ComingInHot]

Ow

Please take a sec and consider NOT fighting back right now!

 

Have you thought of the damage your actions (post A) could have on your D, children & possible custody rights?

[TheOW]

I WONT let them tear me apart, I wont let them back me in a corner.

[LFH]

I text his wife back and said i would speak with her when my little ones are better again, she text back saying dont bother ive gotten every dirty detail from MM, she said she has made sure everyone in the town knows what we have been upto and how much of a homewrecker i am. I didnt text back. No-one is still not talking to me, dont care actually they can call me whatever im beyond caring now. Went into the local shop to get medicine for my children and MM wifes sister refused to serve me saying i had to go elsewhere, thats when i got angry told her to go f*ck herself and hand me over the medicine i needed, she was shouting saying do i realise what i have done, she was up in my face saying i will never get MM bla bla, my kids were crying at this point and another worker came out and took her away, practically threw the medicine at me and went through the back again.

 

MM text again saying again how sorry he is and he has told his wife everything so there is no need to lie for him (i wasnt going to anyway) he said he says he has to work on his family and his marriage its best for everyone, he said he will always love me and hes sorry again bla bla ... he can f*ck off as well.

 

H sent a text asking how many others were there are his kids his bla bla ... f*ck you too

 

My mom phoned asking how the kids were and could i drop them off to her for a few hours, i need not bother coming in .... yep she was told to f*ck off as well

 

Is it a corporate chain that this sister works at? If so I'd be on the phone to their corporate headquarters getting her unprofessional ass fired for refusing you service and creating a scene.

 

I'm not willing to put up with that crap from anyone. I wouldn't lay down and hide either.

 

You're getting advice to not push back, I dont' know if that's helpful or not but it's NOT what I'd do.

 

I wouldn't hide from anyone either. In fact, I'd meet their gazes, act like nothing was wrong and just go right about my day. Attitudes like you got in the store would result in retailitation from me in a way guaranteed to be effective, but I wouldn't lose my cool in public.

Try and remain calm, but there is no way you need to put up with that crap.

Screw that.

 

 

 

 

I WONT let them tear me apart, I wont let them back me in a corner.

[Pierre]

What do u expect me to do Pierre ?? sit in town square and let everyone come and take their shot at me ? I wont do it, i wont let them tear me apart without fighting back !!!! NO NO NO

 

Im not bitter either far from it actually, im defensive, i wont run and hide and i wont back down from them either.

 

I know what i have done and believe me im paying a higher price than them all for it. MM will get his marriage back and according to these boards it will probably be better than ever. H will find another woman he's a good catch and good man and i dont deserve him.

 

Don't put yourself down! I know you are a very good woman and mother. Don't allow this to define you. Use this as a spring board to find a better life for you.

 

Anyone can have affairs, even POTUS have affairs! This should not destroy you. However, I believe you were already troubled before the affair and that is why you fell in the EMR.

 

No need to be self deprecating, you have great value.

 

It may sound intuitive to fight back, but the worst thing you can to is to react with acrimony. I understand that the world is full of sanctimonious people that wish ill on others. Do not react to them!

 

In time you can return to normal and the EMR will be forgotten. Just be calm and try to find IC. I understand you are highly defensive, but this is a manifestation of your very own troubles which have nothing to do with your marriage or H. That is why you need counseling.

[Lostinlife4now]

Is it a corporate chain that this sister works at? If so I'd be on the phone to their corporate headquarters getting her unprofessional ass fired for refusing you service and creating a scene.

 

I'm not willing to put up with that crap from anyone. I wouldn't lay down and hide either.

 

You're getting advice to not push back, I dont' know if that's helpful or not but it's NOT what I'd do.

 

I wouldn't hide from anyone either. In fact, I'd meet their gazes, act like nothing was wrong and just go right about my day. Attitudes like you got in the store would result in retailitation from me in a way guaranteed to be effective, but I wouldn't lose my cool in public.

Try and remain calm, but there is no way you need to put up with that crap.

Screw that.

 

I would make sure the sister was fired..

 

Obviously,,,,she is not a PROFESSIONAL!!!!!!

[Lostinlife4now]

TheOW, you offered to speak and now she's declined that so you can wash your hands of that part.

 

I went through what you are dealing with as far as the townspeople when I divorced my ex husband. They shunned me and treated me as if I was the most disgusting creature on earth, and not because I cheated (I didn't), but because his family is a BIG name in town, and how DARE I divorce one of them? Didn't matter that he abused me...it didn't matter that the last time he touched me, My entire body was one big bruise. The order of protection did not matter to them.

 

You know what I did, though? I did not hang my head as much like I wanted to, I did not scream at them or say f*&k you all...what I did was walk around town and do my business with my head held high and I would just give a polite smile. I learned the art of the polite smile. I also learned the art of containing my anger.

 

Some humility, perhaps an apology, then hold your head up and move on. Screaming obscenities does not help...call them every name in the book in your head, but show them none of it.

 

As far as you paying the highest price...I doubt it.

 

This attitude is an "ART". A learned one. A good one. But not all of us are meant to be this way! Gotta have some heat out there.

 

My daughter has your gift bringontherain. I wish I did!

[Lostinlife4now]

Oh, I have a temper, but it was an art learned out of necessity. My ex and his family decided to fight me for custody of my children...I HAD to learn to act the way I did because they were looking for every excuse to take my children.

 

OP needs to remember that, too. One can fight back without FIGHTING, and in a divorce situation, she should take care not to give anyone ammunition for a possible custody battle.

 

 

But the important lesson here...is you learned! Good for you!