Sh*T has hit the pan

[TheOW]

I just felt cornered by everyone I was and still being backed up by everybody, my attitude was a mixture of guilt, shame, denial, shock, looking after sick kids, no sleep and no food.

 

But it stops, I've asked his wife if she wants to talk she said no I apologised and was told where to shove it, that's all I can do we will bump into each other at some point and I won't run away like the thread in the other forum are suggesting, I never ran away in the first place I had other priorities and she wasnt at the top of them, she will be though for MM.

[Tenacity]

Normally I feel sorry for the OW, and I get that she's hurting, but it's pretty hard to feel sorry for someone who behaves in this manner. Being lonely is no excuse for having sex with married men.

 

Pierre, you seem to repeatedly think that I have not learned that lesson (calling me naive, etc). I have learned it. I get that it's a two-way street, and it was not my intention in any way to dismiss the BS.

 

The issue is: You may see her anger as unsavory.

 

Not her anger. Of course she should be angry. The way she is expressing her anger is what I find a bit unacceptable (not "unsavory" - please don't put words in my mouth).

 

But, the BW sees another woman seducing her H as much more unsavory. Whether the H was seduced or not is moot. This is how people react.

 

Empathy goes a long ways regardless of our perspective.

 

Of course she feels that another woman seducing her H is "unsavory". But OW didn't do it alone. And she is throwing fits in public, so is her family, and she is apparently not looking at her H as having any culpability in this either. It makes it harder to feel empathy, at least right now, or I would think it would for the OW.

 

I am probably the most empathetic person for people's feelings that you will ever meet. Including hers. But I don't understand the behavior, which to me there is not an excuse for (not only hers, but her sister's). That is my point.

[Lostinlife4now]

I just felt cornered by everyone I was and still being backed up by everybody, my attitude was a mixture of guilt, shame, denial, shock, looking after sick kids, no sleep and no food.

 

But it stops, I've asked his wife if she wants to talk she said no I apologised and was told where to shove it, that's all I can do we will bump into each other at some point and I won't run away like the thread in the other forum are suggesting, I never ran away in the first place I had other priorities and she wasnt at the top of them, she will be though for MM.

 

 

Good for you OW!

 

I knew you had it in you! That run is the BEST thing for you!

 

As far as the BW...ENOUGH! You said what you had to say. Now let's move on from her. Let the poor husband deal with her. (Sucks to be him) You deal with you and your kids right now. Your Husband just needs time...and alot of it. Don't keep calling him for you will just inflame the situation. He needs time to process.

 

I am glad your Mom took the kids. Mothers have UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.....no matter what.

 

Just give this situation time. Things will have a way of playing themselves out.

 

We are here for you!

 

P.S. and regarding the defensive ef you attitude: Just another one of our HUMAN emotions.

[Survivor12]

Everything else aside, I just need to say this: If ANYONE--even the Pope--had ever shoved, pushed or otherwise touched my child, I can assure you that I would feel no obligation to talk to or attempt to explain or excuse ANYTHING I may or may not have done to cause their anger with me, however justified.

 

I am by no means condoning cheating, but as far as I'm concerned, a person who--even in anger--would endanger an innocent toddler is no less heinous than the cheaters themselves.

 

Ditto for someone who would deny medication to a child because they have a grudge or vendetta against the child's parent.

 

Inexcusable.

 

And, as I was taught when I was a little girl--two wrongs don't make it right.

[Pierre]

MM mans came to the door last night screaming and shouting, she pushed past one of my toddler children and im ashamed to say I went for her, my husband caught me and a neighbour held her before it became confrontational.

 

 

OK, here is the quote.

 

Many have deducted that the BW hit the children.

 

 

TOW: Did BW hit your kid?

[LFH]

OK, here is the quote.

 

Many have deducted that the BW hit the children.

 

 

TOW: Did BW hit your kid?

 

She didn't have to HIT her kid, she should never have touched the child in any way, even accidentally as she was having a fit, or really, EVER. I can't believe this is even open for discussion.

[Eggplant]

Nevertheless, society is still f****ed up and the OW takes the blame whereas the cheating MM rides into the sunset as a victim.

 

Yes, he is the one who broke his promise. It's so unfair and a terrible double standard. It makes me really mad.

[Pierre]

She didn't have to HIT her kid, she should never have touched the child in any way, even accidentally as she was having a fit, or really, EVER. I can't believe this is even open for discussion.

 

Lets see what TOW has to say.

 

I was not there, but I can assume the worst.

 

Lets say that the BW brushed by the kids as she walked to TOW.

 

Does that diminishes the EMR?

 

Does that make the d-day less of an issue?

 

But, I go further: Lets assume the BW actually hit the kids. Does that change the facts of the EMR?

 

Lets say that the BW ends up in jail for trespassing and hitting the children. Does that change the facts regarding d-say?

 

In reality it is a different subject and it has no role in diminishing or augmenting the facts regarding the EMR.

[Pierre]

Yes, he is the one who broke his promise. It's so unfair and a terrible double standard. It makes me really mad.

 

 

Promises?

 

TOW is not single. They are both married.

 

MM never promised to end his marriage.

 

What promise are you talking about?

[whichwayisup]

She didn't have to HIT her kid, she should never have touched the child in any way, even accidentally as she was having a fit, or really, EVER. I can't believe this is even open for discussion.

 

I agree. I did ask her if MM's wife actually 'touched' her toddler when she said BS pushed past my child. does that mean she shoved the toddler over? Pushed him/her on the floor? Or does it mean she briskly walked by the child in a tough manner that was intimidating? She hasn't answered me though so let's not assume MM's wife physically harmed her baby. IF that was the case, don't you think she would have called the cops?

[whichwayisup]

Yes, he is the one who broke his promise. It's so unfair and a terrible double standard. It makes me really mad.

 

She did as well. She has a husband too, so both broke their vows and promises to their spouses. If harsh words are spoken about the type of person MM is, then the same is should be applied to her as well since they both are married.

[Eggplant]

Promises?

 

TOW is not single. They are both married.

 

MM never promised to end his marriage.

 

What promise are you talking about?

 

I was refering to the MM's promise to stay faithful to his wife. Yes the MW also broke her promise. They both betrayed their respective spouses. I do think people let men off the hook more easily. Sometimes the woman gets all the blame.

[whichwayisup]

I was refering to the MM's promise to stay faithful to his wife. Yes the MW also broke her promise. They both betrayed their respective spouses. I do think people let men off the hook more easily. Sometimes the woman gets all the blame.

 

And what about her? She made promises to stay faithful to her husband. Neither one is worse than the other.

 

I'm sure if her husband (her BS) went around telling everybody the truth about MM, he'd get shunned too. Only difference is, OW's husband doesn't care to do that so it seems. He has chosen to not be around his wife so he can deal with this alone and not get caught up in all the drama that's going on.

[Eggplant]

I'm sure if her husband (her BS) went around telling everybody the truth about MM, he'd get shunned too.

 

What she did was terrible. Their actions were low. The angry reactions seem appropriate.

 

The BW is telling everybody about them both. I wonder whether he is getting equally shunned.

[whichwayisup]

I really don't think that between the couples it is about gender. It's about the outsider being equally to blame. The WS broke vows but the other person just went and destroyed the life of a stranger who had done nothing to them.

 

In some limited circles it might be considered worse for a woman to cheat than a man but those are fairly patriarchal circles.

 

And the thing is, it's women in general who judge other women so harshly in this world. IF a single woman or single man involves her/himself with a MP, in this society, people judge the single person differently as they should know better than to get involved knowingly with a MP. Yes the MP cheated but there is something to be said about a person trying to break up a marriage too. I do agree women are judged much harshly in society than men, but it's like that in other cases too, not just in affairs.

[whichwayisup]

What she did was terrible. Their actions were low. The angry reactions seem appropriate.

 

The BW is telling everybody about them both. I wonder whether he is getting equally shunned.

 

We won't know that though, unless the original poster hears stories about her exMM around town too.

 

This whole situation has so much drama to it and they all need to calm down before someone gets really hurt. they don't call it crimes of passion without reason. People are capable of pretty much anything when pushed past their emotional limit.

[Eggplant]

This whole situation has so much drama to it and they all need to calm down before someone gets really hurt. they don't call it crimes of passion without reason. People are capable of pretty much anything when pushed past their emotional limit.

 

Yes, I have wanted to make this comment too. I don't think anybody should be interacting with anybody because it's actually dangerous.

[Tenacity]

I really don't think that between the couples it is about gender. It's about the outsider being equally to blame. The WS broke vows but the other person just went and destroyed the life of a stranger who had done nothing to them.

 

To me this sounds like you are also blaming the OW more than the MM. "The WS broke vows but the other person just went and destroyed the life of a stranger who had done nothing to them". That sounds like dismissing the MM for "breaking vows", as if that's all it was, but blaming the OW for actually destroying her life. HE is equally and I believe even more responsible for destroying the life of the one he is supposed to love.

 

How about... "The MM just went and destroyed the life of his W, who he had promised to love and cherish and be faithful to"? Yes, I understand that the OW should not have hurt the BS, but why is it worse to hurt a total stranger than for the MM to destroy the person he promised to love?

 

I will never get that.

[whichwayisup]

To me this sounds like you are also blaming the OW more than the MM. "The WS broke vows but the other person just went and destroyed the life of a stranger who had done nothing to them". That sounds like dismissing the MM for "breaking vows", as if that's all it was, but blaming the OW for actually destroying her life. HE is equally and I believe even more responsible for destroying the life of the one he is supposed to love.

 

How about... "The MM just went and destroyed the life of his W, who he had promised to love and cherish and be faithful to"? Yes, I understand that the OW should not have hurt the BS, but why is it worse to hurt a total stranger than for the MM to destroy the person he promised to love?

 

I will never get that.

 

Think she means WS/MP as in married people (both not just person) and both parties have done harm to the BS's. maybe it's just the way it was worded.

[Tenacity]

Think she means WS/MP as in married people (both not just person) and both parties have done harm to the BS's. maybe it's just the way it was worded.

 

Maybe. It was the difference in level of emphasis that hit me. "Both parties have done harm to the BS" is completely different.

[whichwayisup]

The WS's broke vows but the other person just went and destroyed the life of a stranger who had done nothing to them.

 

Grammar is everything eh! (My mom quote!) think the 's migrated!

[Pierre]

Folks:

 

Affair dynamics are a bit strange for those that have never done it. I get it, I have cheated.

 

A married a person can easily cheat of his wife or husband with a long list of rationalizations and denials. At the same time the same person may not cheat with the spouse of a friend because she or he feels it is not nice to cheat with the wife or H of your friend (or sibling). Fuzzy logic.

 

When the betrayed party is a stranger the flood gates open and the cheating happens because the betrayed person is a stranger.

 

Other married cheaters only cheat with single AP because they practice some sort of Golden Rule. If there is no betrayed spouse on the other side, it must be OK.

 

So logic goes out the window in affairs.

 

Others believe there is no betrayal if there is no intercourse, the BIll Clinton angle "I did not have sex with that woman".

 

So fuzzy logic rules the day in EMRs and that is evident every single day in the forum.

 

OWs love to put down BWs for over reacting with d-day. Have you seen a mad OW when she finds out there is an OOW?????

[Tenacity]

No Tenacity I think you're seeing it as more on the OP because you were the OP. i think there's a right to blame both equally but for different things.

 

No, it has nothing to do with my having been an OW. I was just looking directly at your words. "The WS broke his vows" but the other person (by definition, the OW in many situations, but either way, not the WS) "went and destroyed the life of a stranger who had done nothing to them". Which one sounds worse to you, using those words? To me it sounds dismissive of the MM (he just made a mistake, just broke his vows) but the OW sought to directly hurt the BS with hate and vengeance.

 

Maybe it is because I get that vibe from some people here, that they really think that. I will tell you, from my perspective, that I never intended to hurt her, and I wish I never had, and I made a huge mistake in doing so, but I did not deliberately hurt and cheat on and lie to a person I professed to love and be faithful to for life, and then turn around and try to lie to that person about it even after the fact. My ex-MM did that.

 

I don't blame both equally - I think the OW has no place entering into another's marriage or hurting an innocent person, but I think the MM is the one who broke his marriage vows, and that is worse. Both are bad and wrong, but betraying someone you promise to love and honor and cherish is worse than hurting a stranger with whom those vows and promises and commitment do not exist.

 

This is just my opinion, and no need to go further with it if you did not mean it as I took it. Sorry if I misunderstood.

[2sunny]

Look deep within yourself...

 

Are you really mad at all of them? Or

 

Are you mad at yourself that you did this to yourself?

[Tenacity]

MFH, I share your views on infidelity..I think it is utterly and completely wrong and selfish..but you are being cruel. There's no reason to kick someone when they're down. The OP is being punished fairly severely in her real life. She doesn't need you pouring salt in her wounds..she seems to know that she screwed up and she is paying for it dearly. Save your wrath for the ones who aren't sorry. Or better yet, for whomever is hurting you in your own life. You come off as unhealthily bitter and angry so I can only assume someone is abusing you and you are unable to direct your anger towards them, so you choose to take it out on total strangers online instead. LS does not have to be your own personal crusade.

 

I truly hope that you are getting help to deal with whatever it is that happened or is happening to you. Good luck.

 

I am not sure, but in case it's not clear, I need to point out that I'm not the OW/OP in this thread and the conversation went off topic.

 

I have felt too, in the past, that MFH has felt that way, and it was clear in earlier posts that she did. But recently I get the impression that she (like all of us) has come to appreciate all sides of it. Her posts are different than they were weeks ago.

 

It is a learning process for all of us. I am still here posting because I keep learning more from OW and BS and all ends of the A. I was a heck of a lot different years ago when posting here than I am now.

 

I am sorry if I misdirected the thread - I was referring to MFH's wording, and I may have been off base or too particular, and may have even completely misinterpreted her post totally. I am still sensitive. But to be clear, I am not the OW on this thread. I didn't mean to beat up MFH for it.