Sh*T has hit the pan

[TheOW]

This is probably the origin of the mess you're in. Why don't you trust your the people around you? Would they not have been kind and willing to help when you were unhappy in your marriage? Would they not have been understanding had you spontaneously confessed your transgressions?

You enter the shop holding a gun, and of course that makes people defensive or even aggressive.

It's exactly like that in this thread. People are willing to help and show compassion, but your tone and views are so aggressive that we instinctively want to put you in your place.

 

Also i apologise if i come across as aggressive, i dont mean to be im not an aggressive person in real life, maybe a little fiery though.

I know im lashing out its my defense mechanisim i wont be beaten in the corner.

[Pierre]

So no,. that is not naive, it's adults handling adult business and not expecting you minds to process adult issues.

 

 

No, more like adults behaving like non-adults in an immature manner and not giving the right example to the kids.

[TheOW]

No, more like adults behaving like non-adults in an immature manner and not giving the right example to the kids.

 

You can say that about a lot of things Pierre, smoking, drinking, speeding, fighting, the list goes on and on.

 

Im learning the hard way but would it be better for my kids to grow up with a mom and dad who didn't love each other ? A mom and dad who do things seperately and constantly arguing ? If the parents arent happy i highly doubt the kids would be either.

[Summer Breeze]

No, more like adults behaving like non-adults in an immature manner and not giving the right example to the kids.

 

I know this was directed at Skywriter but I have a question. So TOW has set a bad example and no one here knows that any more than she does. Does that mean she now should start telling the kids all the adult nitty gritty about Mommy being in an A? If I recall they're toddlers. Toddlers. How on earth do you tell a toddler that Mommy was having an A? How is that going to make things right if you do? It's not. You say Mommy hurt Daddy's heart and we need some time apart. We both love you but we don't know if we love each other anymore. And you reinforce the He!! out of how much you love them.

 

The damage is done and now she needs to make it right the best way she can. Treating 3 year olds like 25 year olds isn't going to get that job done.

[Pierre]

I know this was directed at Skywriter but I have a question. So TOW has set a bad example and no one here knows that any more than she does. Does that mean she now should start telling the kids all the adult nitty gritty about Mommy being in an A? If I recall they're toddlers. Toddlers. How on earth do you tell a toddler that Mommy was having an A? How is that going to make things right if you do? It's not. You say Mommy hurt Daddy's heart and we need some time apart. We both love you but we don't know if we love each other anymore. And you reinforce the He!! out of how much you love them.

 

The damage is done and now she needs to make it right the best way she can. Treating 3 year olds like 25 year olds isn't going to get that job done.

 

Most pro EMR posters made a huge deal about the BW brushing by the kids of TOW. These same folks are now minimizing the impact of infidelity and divorce on the kids.

 

The truth is that the home these kids once knew is gone forever and they are now the product of a broken home due to infidelity. You can google this till the cows come home and you will not find any positives about this.

 

I agree, that divorce is best if there is drug addiction, alcoholism, and abuse. But, these things are absent.

 

There are three terrible things that can happen to kids in a marriage. The so-called three As.

 

A: Alcohol, drug Abuse

A: Physical Abuse

A: Affairs

 

Yes, affairs is part of the big three As and divorce is the best. However, the kids pay the price.

[Lostinlife4now]

You can say that about a lot of things Pierre, smoking, drinking, speeding, fighting, the list goes on and on.

 

Im learning the hard way but would it be better for my kids to grow up with a mom and dad who didn't love each other ? A mom and dad who do things seperately and constantly arguing ? If the parents arent happy i highly doubt the kids would be either.

 

 

Hey OW....are you my long lost sister? LOL......

 

Feisty and firey...(sp) too full of life sometimes..... gotta love it. I love when my blood boils, it makes me feel ALIVE......

[TheOW]

Are any of those things applicable in your case? Or are those things used to minimize the issues in your case? It is not better for children to grow up in a home with parents who aren't happy with each other. It is better that the parents communicate and divorce. Not adding fuel to the fire is always better for the children. You are way past that stage now...there are some things that you will have to face about yourself...sooner rather than later...to help your children heal emotionally.

 

No I do none of these things that is why i quoted them.

 

I asked for help when the little ones were poorly, I asked H and his family to help me take them to hospital when I got really worried about them, I got no response I also asked my own family as well which again I got no response, so in the end i had to put the sickest ones car seat in the passenger side (illegal) because she would scream and stop herself from breathing if she could not see me, she was also being sick constantly, the other one was so sleepy in the back i had to shout every few seconds to keep them awake, I kept thinking the worse when they nodded off.

 

So no i dont trust them my kids needed them and every single family member let THEM down.

[Pierre]

You can say that about a lot of things Pierre, smoking, drinking, speeding, fighting, the list goes on and on.

 

Im learning the hard way but would it be better for my kids to grow up with a mom and dad who didn't love each other ? A mom and dad who do things seperately and constantly arguing ? If the parents arent happy i highly doubt the kids would be either.

 

In your case divorce is the best answer. You need to set your H free.

 

But, years from now your kids will be paying the price, it is inevitable. And this trauma will be gargantuan compared to a crazoid woman rushing by them.

 

I beg you not to enter into another relationship since the pattern will repeat again. This is your big chance to seek therapy. You need to be happy in your own. These old men are not going to be the source of your happiness. Do not date until you are fully cured.

[Lostinlife4now]

No I do none of these things that is why i quoted them.

 

I asked for help when the little ones were poorly, I asked H and his family to help me take them to hospital when I got really worried about them, I got no response I also asked my own family as well which again I got no response, so in the end i had to put the sickest ones car seat in the passenger side (illegal) because she would scream and stop herself from breathing if she could not see me, she was also being sick constantly, the other one was so sleepy in the back i had to shout every few seconds to keep them awake, I kept thinking the worse when they nodded off.

 

So no i dont trust them my kids needed them and every single family member let THEM down.

 

 

You will learn....that YOU have ONLY YOU to depend on.

 

I do not trust ANYONE at ALL! The older I get the more I do not trust and are very cynical of people. That is the World we live in. Everyone is out for themselves. Trust Me, I know what I speak of.

[TheOW]

In your case divorce is the best answer. You need to set your H free.

 

But, years from now your kids will be paying the price, it is inevitable. And this trauma will be gargantuan compared to a crazoid woman rushing by them.

 

I beg you not to enter into another relationship since the pattern will repeat again. This is your big chance to seek therapy. You need to be happy in your own. These old men are not going to be the source of your happiness. Do not date until you are fully cured.

 

Pierre calm ur knickers .. I am in no way shape or form ready for any relationship for a very long time, old men are out for def

 

My kids wont pay the price their father is reasonable and in time i know we can work around things, they will lead a better life this way, ok an A was the worst way I could have done things but it is done and all I can do is learn from it and not make the same mistakes again. I'm 27 I can re-start and make a better, healthier and happier life for us.

[jwi71]

Most pro EMR posters made a huge deal about the BW brushing by the kids of TOW. These same folks are now minimizing the impact of infidelity and divorce on the kids.

 

Utter balderdash.

 

How is a toddler to understand the complexities of M and adult behavior when adults cannot?

 

And why would ANYONE tell a toddler that infidelity is the "cause" of the separation? Whats the point in that?

 

Answer: none.

 

Taking infidelity out of the equation as you CANNOT justify telling a toddler about an A, then your statements on D are hopelessly naive and dated.

 

Divorce is NOT some life ruining event for children. There is no academic research which conclusively proves that children from a traditional nuclear family outperform those from D or single mothers. In fact, the last research I read on it, during my D, stated that parental involvement was far more important than their marital status, living arrangements, or anything else for that matter.

 

Good grief...what is this some time warp back to 1953?

[Lostinlife4now]

Most pro EMR posters made a huge deal about the BW brushing by the kids of TOW. These same folks are now minimizing the impact of infidelity and divorce on the kids.

 

The truth is that the home these kids once knew is gone forever and they are now the product of a broken home due to infidelity. You can google this till the cows come home and you will not find any positives about this.

 

I agree, that divorce is best if there is drug addiction, alcoholism, and abuse. But, these things are absent.

 

There are three terrible things that can happen to kids in a marriage. The so-called three As.

 

A: Alcohol, drug Abuse

A: Physical Abuse

A: Affairs

 

Yes, affairs is part of the big three As and divorce is the best. However, the kids pay the price.

 

 

WRONG!!!!!!

 

I divorced my H when my daughter was 11. She is now 24, and she is the most normal, responsible, happy, compassionate human being I have ever met. She is such a beautiful young woman and I am so proud of her. And also graduated from a great college. So not all children are affected wrongly in a divorce.

 

She is happy that I did not stay in a Marriage that we were unhappy in. I have taught her to get out if you are not happy and fulfilled in a relationship. PERIOD!

[Pierre]

Pierre calm ur knickers .. I am in no way shape or form ready for any relationship for a very long time, old men are out for def

 

My kids wont pay the price their father is reasonable and in time i know we can work around things, they will lead a better life this way, ok an A was the worst way I could have done things but it is done and all I can do is learn from it and not make the same mistakes again. I'm 27 I can re-start and make a better, healthier and happier life for us.

 

You have a bright future! The key is not to repeat past behaviors, And I agree-------------be as friendly as possible with your H. Since you are leaving the marriage do not be too demanding and simply look out for the best interest of your children by making sure you live close by and that your H has access to the kids. In the meantime seek counseling, you are a hidden jewel that needs to be polished just a bit. I like how you accept what you have done and understand the issues. But, you need to travel a bit more.

[Got it]

Kids know when there is something going on. Don't kid yourself.

 

The kids will now see they are in a divided home.

 

To assume kids are not burdened by infidelity is very naive. I suggest you google the effects of infidelity on children. The OW will have to do her very best of this situation.

 

BS. I was a child with a parent that apparently cheated. I knew nothing about it until adulthood and I was not burdened with it.

 

The affair is the least of the issues.

 

Putting your child into the adult issues, using them as collateral, adult support, etc. is what causes a great deal of the emotional damage.

[Pierre]

WRONG!!!!!!

 

I divorced my H when my daughter was 11. She is now 24, and she is the most normal, responsible, happy, compassionate human being I have ever met. She is such a beautiful young woman and I am so proud of her. And also graduated from a great college. So not all children are affected wrongly in a divorce.

 

She is happy that I did not stay in a Marriage that we were unhappy in. I have taught her to get out if you are not happy and fulfilled in a relationship. PERIOD!

 

I agree, if you have the marriage from hell then it is best to come from a broken home. However, most kids from broken homes do not perform as well in school as kids that come from intact homes. Google as much as you can.

[Pierre]

BS. I was a child with a parent that apparently cheated. I knew nothing about it until adulthood and I was not burdened with it.

 

The affair is the least of the issues.

 

Putting your child into the adult issues, using them as collateral, adult support, etc. is what causes a great deal of the emotional damage.

 

I disagree. Your parents gave you the cheating MEME.

[TheOW]

You have a bright future! The key is not to repeat past behaviors, And I agree-------------be as friendly as possible with your H. Since you are leaving the marriage do not be too demanding and simply look out for the best interest of your children by making sure you live close by and that your H has access to the kids. In the meantime seek counseling, you are a hidden jewel that needs to be polished just a bit. I like how you accept what you have done and understand the issues. But, you need to travel a bit more.

 

Thanks ... I think lol

 

Im not a demanding person tbh im very reasonable but also very stubborn and hot headed when I feel im being backed in a corner.

[Got it]

Most pro EMR posters made a huge deal about the BW brushing by the kids of TOW. These same folks are now minimizing the impact of infidelity and divorce on the kids.

 

The truth is that the home these kids once knew is gone forever and they are now the product of a broken home due to infidelity. You can google this till the cows come home and you will not find any positives about this.

 

I agree, that divorce is best if there is drug addiction, alcoholism, and abuse. But, these things are absent.

 

There are three terrible things that can happen to kids in a marriage. The so-called three As.

 

A: Alcohol, drug Abuse

A: Physical Abuse

A: Affairs

 

Yes, affairs is part of the big three As and divorce is the best. However, the kids pay the price.

 

Again, as one of these children I can say that I don't agree. My parents stayed together for the kids. While there was no abuse per say the constant fighting, the resentment, the divided HOUSEHOLD did more damage than a divorce. An earlier divorce would have at least allowed us the opportunity to have at least one household not anxiety ridden.

 

Don't kid yourself, there are more issues with staying together than just those deal breakers and ones I would never do if I have children.

[Decorative]

I disagree. Your parents gave you the cheating MEME.

 

I agree. I can very often tell by how someone posts and what they say, and their self reported behavior that they had some experience with that in their childhood.

 

They may not even recognize it themselves.

 

But it's there.

[Lostinlife4now]

I agree, if you have the marriage from hell then it is best to come from a broken home. However, most kids from broken homes do not perform as well in school as kids that come from intact homes. Google as much as you can.

 

 

My daughter was one the DEANS' LIST at her college. And was the top cheerleader for her high school and won awards.....

 

Don't need to google anything.

 

 

 

P..Are you a psychologist? Just wondering?

[Lostinlife4now]

It might be the world you live in. I don't understand this mindset of everyone is out for themselves. I guess that is the difference in the people one surrounds themselves with.

 

 

Well bent....I am happy for you. You are the lucky ones! KUDOS to you!

[Pierre]

My daughter was one the DEANS' LIST at her college. And was the top cheerleader for her high school and won awards.....

 

Don't need to google anything.

 

 

 

P..Are you a psychologist? Just wondering?

 

Statistics only apply to a group and not an individual. Congratulations on your child, you did a great job!

 

No, am not a psych. I just use common sense.

[Finally Settled]

I disagree. Your parents gave you the cheating MEME.

 

If it is indeed a meme, there is the distinct possibility it could be a horizontally rather than vertically passed one. It may have come from TV, music, or the written word. If parents choose to effectively shield their children from such things then a meme isn't typically considered to have moved vertically.

 

It seems a very sweeping statement for you to unequivocally say that her parents passed her a meme.

[Spark1111]

children are tangentially involved in what I do for a living now, and the latest research is the amount of acrimony in either the marriage or divorce that will have the greatest lifelong effect on them.

 

So as long as mom and dad are kind and respectful to each other ALWAYS in front of the children or within earshot of them, the kids will be fine.

 

Kids could give a hoot about how happy you are romantically, as long as you seem happy with mom or dad, whether married or divorced.

 

yes, fake it if you have to, for the mental health of your children.

[Got it]

Your behavior and attitude shows it was taught to you. You very clearly came from a childhood that was affected by infidelity.

 

You can fundamentally know and understand and accept a dynamic without "knowing" the specific reasons why.

 

Decorative, shockingly knowing my life a little better I can safely say I disagree. Do you not think that other things may share similar dynamics?

 

My childhood was not affected by infidelity. My childhood was affected by two people marrying while both on the rebound, by a father with mom issues and a KISA with a very bad temper and low self esteem, a mother with very low self esteem, a yo yo dieter, lifetime depression and victim mentality.

 

These two personalities and their partnership are my issues. The affair was just one of the many issues from it but the affair is not part and parcel for the issues. Can you even tell which parent had the affair?

 

I grew up in a household where two people could not get along, where one more than the other used the kids as sounding boards, and support and put them in the middle of fights, another parent with a hair trigger and many emotional triggers so every holiday was a blow up due to his lack of acknowledgement from his mother. Oh, and a parent who is an animal hoarder because they give unconditional love.

 

Trust me the affair was not the issue. I would actually have LOVED for the affair to be the issue as it is an event that doesn't mean the foundation is broken. Unfortunately with them not only was the foundation broken it was never in place to begin with.

 

Like most things affairs are not events of themselves. Like all other lovely family moments, it is the personalities involved that are the issue and the affair is a byproduct of it.

 

The affair is not the specific reason. The specific reason was the decided union of these two people who should never have been more than just a short term rebound and never should have partnered up to bring children into this world without extensive therapy first.