Sh*T has hit the pan

[TheOW]

What he wants will likely morph over time. First he moved out and left them with you, then he kicked you out and wanted them full time. Now he's probably good with you having them the majority of the time. But once he realizes that he pays more in child support the more that you have them, he'll probably change his tune and want 50/50. Once he has an attorney, he'll probably be advised to have them as often as possible (if he has a lot of custody prior to the divorce and it works, it sets a precedent in his favor).

 

I was kinda shocked that if my wife had managed to take the kids from me more than 50%, I would be paying her more money. It's kinda a double-whammy because you lose the kids AND you pay your ex to have them. Coming from the perspective of the BS, I wasn't having any of that. The more she fought, well, I lost any remaining respect I had for her at that point. As some would say, I saw red.

 

No we do this to suit both of us, monies etc can be dealt with in time, I dont want to go through the courts about custody and child support etc and neither does he, we will sort something out between us and keep it at that.

[Pierre]

My grandfather was a physician, my father was a surgeon, and my mother was a nurse. I run several companies and have a portfolio of properties. My life was all about medicine and it didn't have any bearing on my choices for my life. My parents were never unfaithful and I was when I was older than I care to admit. My life and my choices.

 

I will not be so silly as to say no one follows the examples of their parents, but it would be equally silly for someone to say that everyone does.

 

An anecdote does not make a point.

 

It is like saying I jumped from a 5th floor and did not get hurt.

[Finally Settled]

An anecdote does not make a point.

 

It is like saying I jumped from a 5th floor and did not get hurt.

 

Of course it does. The point was I, as an individual, was not predestined to live my life the way my parents did. I made my point. I also made a comment at the very end that I was not making that point in order for it to be a sweeping generalization.

[BetrayedH]

No we do this to suit both of us, monies etc can be dealt with in time, I dont want to go through the courts about custody and child support etc and neither does he, we will sort something out between us and keep it at that.

 

I hear you and respect your approach.

 

I just know that in my state they use a formula to calculate child support. They input the percentage of time each parent has the kids, each parent's income, known expenses (such as one parent paying for the kids medical insurance premiums), etc. It's not an option and it cannot be waived. He would pay the state and they would pay you so it's all tracked. What you can do is waive alimony. I've even heard of some exes cashing the child support check but returning the cash to the parent that paid it (since they both agreed that the calculation was unfair). But there is no keeping the courts out of it, at least not in my state.

[Got it]

I hear you and respect your approach.

 

I just know that in my state they use a formula to calculate child support. They input the percentage of time each parent has the kids, each parent's income, known expenses (such as one parent paying for the kids medical insurance premiums), etc. It's not an option and it cannot be waived. He would pay the state and they would pay you so it's all tracked. What you can do is waive alimony. I've even heard of some exes cashing the child support check but returning the cash to the parent that paid it (since they both agreed that the calculation was unfair). But there is no keeping the courts out of it, at least not in my state.

 

I agree with BH but it does vary by state. In dMM he pays above the state mandated child support and alimony so he pays her directly per the divorce decree. Alimony is subject to taxes, child support is not so both sides need to weigh that as well.

 

I think BH's set up is ideal outside of one situation I know where the kids stay in the primary residence and the parents switch out and then spend their off time in a shared apartment. Not for the faint of heart but they seem to have found success with this.

 

I would also suggest talking to a family counselor to help support the kids during this time. It will help you both keep the kids in focus as things can get screwy during the divorce transition.

 

I think fathers are vitally important and commend those that do spend as much time as possible with their kids. Kudos to you BH.

[Got it]

HaHa @ good and proper. You must be english.

 

Or more likely just educated.

[Tenacity]

I think that being primarily cared for by the faithful spouse is always beneficial. And I speak as the child of a cheater who counts myself lucky my dad dropped out of my life (and I've actively kept him out as an adult).

 

Maybe that is true in your case, but your broad statement that it applies to "everyone" isn't true, to my knowledge (it isn't always beneficial. If have failed to see the results of research that you have, let me know, but your N of 1 as a child of a cheater doesn't justify that blanket statement). You can't extrapulate your own situation as it that applies to everyone in the world. It does not.

[Pierre]

Maybe that is true in your case, but your broad statement that it applies to "everyone" isn't true, to my knowledge (it isn't always beneficial. If have failed to see the results of research that you have, let me know, but your N of 1 as a child of a cheater doesn't justify that blanket statement). You can't extrapulate your own situation as it that applies to everyone in the world. It does not.

 

While you are at it. Could you tell the posters that anecdotes are not aceptable in science.:laugh:

[Pierre]

TOW:

 

I really like your latests posts.

 

Warning:

 

MM will be back fishing in several months. If you start up with him again you will be back to square one. Just want to give you warning.

[Summer Breeze]

While you are at it. Could you tell the posters that anecdotes are not aceptable in science.:laugh:

 

If this were a forum about exact sciences I'd jump on your bandwagon Petey but this is a board of people coming in and sharing their experiences. It's about sharing what they've lived and seen so your desire to make it a 'no anecdotes zone' really isn't something any of us need to adhere to. You make sweeping generalizations all the time and from what I can tell have very little to back them up with. The other thing and I don't want this to upset any BS but you only bring out the 'no anecdotes' rule when it's someone talking about things on this side of the A. What about the BS who come in here and tell us about their recoveries? Are you saying they shouldn't be sharing either? I never see you calling them out on that as you so often do the OW. Double standard much? Just because you don't agree or you don't like what's being said you want to whoosh it away. Sorry but that's not how this forum works. I agree if someone is saying or alluding to 'always' (like you so often do) and backing it up with an anecdote then you can call them on it.

 

There's my middle of the night rant done. Now back to my warm milk and cool pillow.

[TheOW]

TOW:

 

I really like your latests posts.

 

Warning:

 

MM will be back fishing in several months. If you start up with him again you will be back to square one. Just want to give you warning.

 

 

Lol MM can kiss my ass...

 

I'm finally able to breath again after a year, I'm ready to start a new beginning with me and lil ones, and if I'm honest it's what I've wanted in a very long time.

[Ms. Red]

Lol MM can kiss my ass...

 

I'm finally able to breath again after a year, I'm ready to start a new beginning with me and lil ones, and if I'm honest it's what I've wanted in a very long time.

 

Here's to a new beginning for you! *lifts glass of tea* I hope things get better for you soon. You sound like they all ready are.

 

I wish you well.

[ComingInHot]

Honestly, I have to admit that this thread has me frustrated and conflicted.

I think maybe if I hadn't read Any previous posts by Ow , I'd be better off (cause of course it's all about me right?!... not).

Ow began w/such arrogant posts, so full of herself (please don't take offense Ow*). Then the "sh*t hit the pan" and the posts swung to All about her & her kids w/a small mention of H. And w/So much hostility.

 

But regardless of previous posts & my feelings on the way Ow presented herself, I have to admit that her situation, however sucky, will get better for everyone (especially kids) once she is out on her own w/kids.

 

Someone asked me once, "Would you rather you & your children Come from a broken home, or live In a broken home?".

 

Ow's home is definitely broken right now especially for her children, so her plan & steps of moving out, getting a job, supporting herself and her children (w/H's help) & the daycare/family support is probably the best move for everyone.

 

Am I "happy" for you Ow ? Not really. I know you could care less what i think but I do apologize that I'm having a hard time celebrating w/you*

There are just too many lives being hurt from the decisions you & MM made for me to applaude right now.

 

But I do believe you are doing the right thing going forward.

I say be that Mama Bear when it comes to protecting your children!

Show mercy for those you have betrayed & hurt.

Hold your head high in the face of criticism and as you may be attacked verbally, simply reply you aren't going to mind the little things*

My best,

CIH

[TheOW]

Honestly, I have to admit that this thread has me frustrated and conflicted.

I think maybe if I hadn't read Any previous posts by Ow , I'd be better off (cause of course it's all about me right?!... not).

Ow began w/such arrogant posts, so full of herself (please don't take offense Ow*). Then the "sh*t hit the pan" and the posts swung to All about her & her kids w/a small mention of H. And w/So much hostility.

 

But regardless of previous posts & my feelings on the way Ow presented herself, I have to admit that her situation, however sucky, will get better for everyone (especially kids) once she is out on her own w/kids.

 

Someone asked me once, "Would you rather you & your children Come from a broken home, or live In a broken home?".

 

Ow's home is definitely broken right now especially for her children, so her plan & steps of moving out, getting a job, supporting herself and her children (w/H's help) & the daycare/family support is probably the best move for everyone.

 

Am I "happy" for you Ow ? Not really. I know you could care less what i think but I do apologize that I'm having a hard time celebrating w/you*

There are just too many lives being hurt from the decisions you & MM made for me to applaude right now.

 

But I do believe you are doing the right thing going forward.

I say be that Mama Bear when it comes to protecting your children!

Show mercy for those you have betrayed & hurt.

Hold your head high in the face of criticism and as you may be attacked verbally, simply reply you aren't going to mind the little things*

My best,

CIH

 

Thanks CIH

 

I think I now realise how agressive I may come across sometimes and full of myself, im neither of these in real life. I guess im just too defensive but that may be to do with my age.

 

I havent had time to really reflect on things yet, with being found out, children being ill, moving house etc but when things calm down i know the reality of the situation will hit me.

 

MM text last night asking how i was and he heard i had moved out and was asking if we were ok, he said its not good for him at home either but neither he or his wife have discussed seperation. I wanted to text him back so much but i never, he must go to his family and i must try and start again. I just wanted to call him and cry down the phone but i wont even show him my weaknesses either. So i grabbed my cat and cried to him instead lol

[BetrayedH]

As you have read, NC is most certainly the best path for you. Good job resisting this early attempt by him. Hopefully it's easier with time. It's just all too easy to start to rely on him and the affair again and next thing you know, you're back at it. Don't open the door. I liked the "He can kiss my ass" attitude.

[jwi71]

Thanks CIH

 

I think I now realise how agressive I may come across sometimes and full of myself, im neither of these in real life. I guess im just too defensive but that may be to do with my age.

 

I havent had time to really reflect on things yet, with being found out, children being ill, moving house etc but when things calm down i know the reality of the situation will hit me.

 

MM text last night asking how i was and he heard i had moved out and was asking if we were ok, he said its not good for him at home either but neither he or his wife have discussed seperation. I wanted to text him back so much but i never, he must go to his family and i must try and start again. I just wanted to call him and cry down the phone but i wont even show him my weaknesses either. So i grabbed my cat and cried to him instead lol

 

Being sad, scared, hurt, afraid, uncertain - none of those is a weakness.

 

Please do not equate having EMOTION with being WEAK.

 

The most alarming thing I see is the bottling of emotions, this failure to face them. It didn't work well for me and I feel safe assuming it wont for you (or anyone) either.

 

The problem ISN'T the emotion - but your choice of confidante.

 

I hope you can consider IC for yourself. There is much in you that you need to explore, learn and come to grips with.

 

Focus on you and your kids. That's your priority.

[TheOW]

xMM has text me this morning asking to meet up and "chat" And no i do not believe he wants to have sex etc etc I think he's vulnerable like me at the moment (I know I know it was this vuln erability that got us in this mess in the first place) I think we both need abit closure -No A will continue i am through with that, im starting to settle in our new accomodation and me and H have started to talk alittle.

 

I dont know what to do He's not a bad guy he doesnt deserve just to be ignored and it "may" be good for us to discuss what has happened and what we do from now on (as we live in same area)

 

I will repeat the A will never ever start up again I feel strong and in control of things for the first time in a very long time, think im starting to finally grow up.

[Summer Breeze]

xMM has text me this morning asking to meet up and "chat" And no i do not believe he wants to have sex etc etc I think he's vulnerable like me at the moment (I know I know it was this vuln erability that got us in this mess in the first place) I think we both need abit closure -No A will continue i am through with that, im starting to settle in our new accomodation and me and H have started to talk alittle.

 

I dont know what to do He's not a bad guy he doesnt deserve just to be ignored and it "may" be good for us to discuss what has happened and what we do from now on (as we live in same area)

 

I will repeat the A will never ever start up again I feel strong and in control of things for the first time in a very long time, think im starting to finally grow up.

 

 

I believe your intentions are for the A to never start up again but I think you're going to be on shaky ground if you meet.

 

He minimized you enough to make his W come to your house and push past your child and pretty much start a fight with you. Maybe it had nothing to do with what he said but I'd lay odds it did.

 

Look at the pain you've been in for such a long time. Look at the strides you've made. Please don't go backwards. Don't give either of you the opportunity to get back into that position. The road to He!! is paved with good intentions. If you meet, it's not closure you'll find.

 

If you know you're done then be done. Please. Please don't meet up with him. Think of your kids. Tell him to call you when he's moved out and you don't have to be part of that dynamic again. I'm so sad you're thinking about this TOW. I've been so proud of what you've accomplished. Please keep working on that.

[TheOW]

Yes I think you are right, I will tell him what ever we have to say we can do it via phone and no need to meet up, I think we do need to discuss alot of things, he was a friend as well as a lover and the friendship will be the hardest to let go of but i understand that it has to go.

 

Ive got the story pretty much about what happened and how we were caught, his wifes closest friend seen us together and even took a picture, supposidly she had been suspicious for a very long time (the friend not the wife) she gave his wife the picture and thats when she came barging round to my house, she had text him while he was at work saying she knows and sent him the picture of us together.

[Summer Breeze]

Yes I think you are right, I will tell him what ever we have to say we can do it via phone and no need to meet up, I think we do need to discuss alot of things, he was a friend as well as a lover and the friendship will be the hardest to let go of but i understand that it has to go.

 

Ive got the story pretty much about what happened and how we were caught, his wifes closest friend seen us together and even took a picture, supposidly she had been suspicious for a very long time (the friend not the wife) she gave his wife the picture and thats when she came barging round to my house, she had text him while he was at work saying she knows and sent him the picture of us together.

 

 

I'm really glad you're not going to see him in person. I wish now I could talk you out of talking to him but I also understand closure. I know what it's like to miss their friendship. There are always so many posts about it all being nothing but sex that the friendship that's gone is looked at as nothing. Please be careful. It sounds like he's not done and you have come so very far. Take care of you and your little ones.

[TheOW]

I'm really glad you're not going to see him in person. I wish now I could talk you out of talking to him but I also understand closure. I know what it's like to miss their friendship. There are always so many posts about it all being nothing but sex that the friendship that's gone is looked at as nothing. Please be careful. It sounds like he's not done and you have come so very far. Take care of you and your little ones.

 

Thanks, no it wasnt just sex between us it was a great friendship as well. He is done, this was his worst nightmare being caught and i know he will be doing anything to rebuild his marriage, i think i feel i must apologise to him i was the one looking for the affair and chased him, he had little chance to resist and im not being full of myself here either, and i also will in time apologise to his wife when both of us are ready to face each other and i will tell her it was me who chased him at the beginning. Ive been sorting through my thoughts and i dont like what im finding out about myself but my aims for the future are to not make the same mistakes again.

[Ms. Red]

I don't see any good that can come from talking to him. Your husband is starting to talk to you a bit. It would not be good for him to find out that you talked to xMM at all!

 

Sometimes there is no closure and you just have to move along in life with the memories. Don't risk hurting your husband and jeopardizing any chance you and he might have to work through this.

[Lostinlife4now]

Thanks, no it wasnt just sex between us it was a great friendship as well. He is done, this was his worst nightmare being caught and i know he will be doing anything to rebuild his marriage, i think i feel i must apologise to him i was the one looking for the affair and chased him, he had little chance to resist and im not being full of myself here either, and i also will in time apologise to his wife when both of us are ready to face each other and i will tell her it was me who chased him at the beginning. Ive been sorting through my thoughts and i dont like what im finding out about myself but my aims for the future are to not make the same mistakes again.

 

 

Yes...you need CLOSURE.....

 

But over the phone. Talk when no one else is around! Write your thoughts down so you will remember everything to say to him. It does help!

 

Then let this be the last communication from him. I know it is VERY TOUGH but you can do it! I also understand the FRIEND part of it. xMM was a BIG PART of my life. We SHARED everything. It was nice. But that is the part I miss the most. Bouncing things off of one another. Now I depend on myself.

 

Don't forget, there ARE TWO people in the affair...Don't put all the blame on yourself. He was a WILLING participant!

 

As far as his W....let that go for now. Do you owe her an apology? That is up to you. I never thought I owed his W Anything...HE DID!!!!!!

 

Just be careful!

 

I am pulling for you!

 

Lost.......

[TheOW]

Yes...you need CLOSURE.....

 

But over the phone. Talk when no one else is around! Write your thoughts down so you will remember everything to say to him. It does help!

 

Then let this be the last communication from him. I know it is VERY TOUGH but you can do it! I also understand the FRIEND part of it. xMM was a BIG PART of my life. We SHARED everything. It was nice. But that is the part I miss the most. Bouncing things off of one another. Now I depend on myself.

 

Don't forget, there ARE TWO people in the affair...Don't put all the blame on yourself. He was a WILLING participant!

 

As far as his W....let that go for now. Do you owe her an apology? That is up to you. I never thought I owed his W Anything...HE DID!!!!!!

 

Just be careful!

 

I am pulling for you!

 

Lost.......

 

Thanks Lost x

 

Yeah we need to discuss things mainly because we live in the same area and family and friends on both sides interact with each other so we need to make this less hostile and try and avoid each other as much as possible.

 

I think i do owe her an apology because this A should have stopped before it started but i did seduce him and used every womanly charm i posses including my looks and body to get him, it was a crush gone to far on my side. I made it hard for him more so at the beginning but as time progressed he did lust after me just as much as i did him, more so towards the end. No its not completely my fault he did have a choice and he could have said no and walked away but he never.

[Lostinlife4now]

Thanks Lost x

 

Yeah we need to discuss things mainly because we live in the same area and family and friends on both sides interact with each other so we need to make this less hostile and try and avoid each other as much as possible.

 

I think i do owe her an apology because this A should have stopped before it started but i did seduce him and used every womanly charm i posses including my looks and body to get him, it was a crush gone to far on my side. I made it hard for him more so at the beginning but as time progressed he did lust after me just as much as i did him, more so towards the end. No its not completely my fault he did have a choice and he could have said no and walked away but he never.

 

 

Hi OW...

 

Do you really think it is important to let the wife know or anyone for that matter who pursued who?

 

There were two people.......

 

Relax about you pursuing him or vice versa....

 

We as, women use what we have, to get what we want or so we think we need.

 

Don't air all your dirty laundry. It will only come back to bite you in the ASS. Need to talk to xmm...and that is it. No one else needs to know your business. I have learned over the years...NOT TO TALK TOO MUCH....and yes, I am a BIG MOUTH! Experience.....AHHHHH...Greatest teacher of ALL.

Edited February 23, 2013 by Lostinlife4now
Punctuation