Sh*T has hit the pan

[Nyla]

Im shaking, panicking and crying so much I think im going to faint, its fear ! Husband wont be home for a while yet, im still deciding wether to up and flee or stay, i will tell the truth the whole of it but im a very defensive person and i am not ready for the wife. I dont know about my marriage havent i been saying for ages now i wish i was caught so i didnt need to do it myself - karma!!!!!!

 

Glad that you understand now that everything in darkness must come to light. Nobody gets away with hiding an affair forever.

On some level, you clearly understood that this day would come. To be honest, if you did not want this to happen you should not have been cheating.

I hope this experience teaches you that your actions have consequences.Don't be cowardly and run away. Face the music since you made your own bed.

 

My father cheated on my mother to escape the problems in their marriage. All it did was make things worse.

[underwater2010]

I think we have been busted good and proper

 

I received a text today by an unknown number saying my name, then going on to say I know you have been f**king my husband, dont you dare try to contact him or come within 100ft of my house.

 

obviously his wife, I dont know what to do, i am awaiting my husband coming home from work I dont know if i should tell him or just flee. I dont know if she is planning on telling him or not.

 

Welcome to the world of getting caught. I vote for you just come clean. Wether you chose to flee or not.

 

FYI....I gave the MOW a fair warning by asking if her husband knew. She had a few weeks then I called him. The BS handbook says to expose the AP if they are married. And I am sure she will figure that out.

[underwater2010]

Is that common? Do BSs often keep quiet as they gather evidence?

 

I confronted first on based on facebook messages that were vague just letting him know that if he wanted to have fun outside they marriage to not let the door him in the ass on the way out. Then I dug through his computer and found so much more. That is when it hit the fan.

 

If I could do it over. I would have dug more prior to the first confrontation. But hey, I couldn't believe he would go much further than a little flirty conversation.

[ComingInHot]

Why all this banter about "fleeing". It's as if her life is going to be threatened. Ow, if you Do in fact fer for your physical safety the yes , leave.

 

But... if you are just freaked that you got busted well, you're not a child. You made an adult decision. You must face the adult consequences. To "flee" or leave the likely undesirable consequences of your actions would be setting the Worst example for your children.

You are a mother & w/that privilege comes great responsibility to care for them, teach them and be there for then.

Now is not the time to run away but to put on your grown up pants for the first time in a looong time and get back into your reality and role of Wife and mother.

 

The Wife part you can change but you can't change being a Mother.

 

Please decide to be a good one still*

[2sure]

There are much harder trials in life than admitting the truth.

You can do this. You are a grown woman. This is your life, get on with it.

[loredo21]

My dday was similar. MOMs wife. Found out and called me. She said MOM wasn't being truthful when she confronted him. I was honest with her and answered every question she had. I freaked out, went to my Best friend's house 2 doors down. H was in church but I texted him and said we need to talk when he got home. I knew I had to be up front and admit everything, even though she never threatened to tell my H. I agree with all PP about just coming clean. You're caught. He needs to hear it from you immediately. Your life is about to be turned upside down and for that I am sorry to you. It sucks :/ you may think you want to leave your H now (I thought the same thing) but believe me, you never know what is going to happen in the coming months. H and I were on a very rough road before A. And it seemed inevitable that we would D...but now 6 months post dday we are R our relationship and feel better than we have in years. I honestly think we will be one of the couples who's A actually helped the marriage. Sure, it'll take a lot of time, hard work, and therapy. But I'm optimistic.

You do not and should not flee unless you feel in danger. But there is nothing wrong with taking a trip and getting away to clear your head (after you come clean)...it helped me so much. I went away for 3 weeks 2days after dday. Took a road trip 3000miles away and it was the most empowering exhilarating things I've ever done.

Good luck! And many positive vibes your way!

[TheOW]

I think im finally realising what my actions and selfishness has done, I confessed to my husband just before the wife phoned the house. He was distraught but he said he knew something was up, we both cried and i apologised but i told him i didnt want to live like this anymore, he asked me if we could try one more time, i was honest with him and said i couldnt have sex with him he said lets just take it one step at a time. I have told him im not sure about this but will give it a go. MM mans came to the door last night screaming and shouting, she pushed past one of my toddler children and im ashamed to say I went for her, my husband caught me and a neighbour held her before it became confrontational.

 

Received another text from MM this morning apologising for everything he said he loves me but we have to stop he will contact when the dust settles. I have not text back and do not plan to either, right now this is over i love him but i owe my H much more than MM. The phone has been ringing of the hook all morning seems like the gossips have heard the news i havent even been on fb yet (thankfully mm and wife are not on it) I will be heading to the local shops soon with my children and its going to be hard facing everyone but i must do it, i will not shy away ! If his wife dares attack me in the street when my children are present i will not be responsible for my actions against her. Yes i feel bad and i will apologise even grovel but i will not let her attack me.

[TaraMaiden]

If your heart is no longer in your marriage, then it's no longer in your marriage.

 

Do not attempt to build bridges with your H. out of guilt and remorse.

You had an affair because you weren't happy in your marriage.

Having the affair end, doesn't mean you have a happy marriage now.

 

It's still stuck, broken and as irreparable as it was before.

 

You will never feel the same way about your H. again.

But do not stay with what you have, because you've lived the life of a liar, long enough.

Time to face the truth head on.

It will hurt, but nowhere near as much as if you continued with the charade.

[Mint Sauce]

I think im finally realising what my actions and selfishness has done

 

If his wife dares attack me in the street when my children are present i will not be responsible for my actions against her. Yes i feel bad and i will apologise even grovel but i will not let her attack me.

 

If your H went after your MM, would you accept your MM to fight back? Which side would you choose?

 

If you really realize your selfishness, you present your other cheek to MM's wife.

 

But the best thing to do now, is to not be confrontational, and stay out of sight.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh and it's "Schytt hit the FAN".

 

When excrement hits the hi-speed rotating ventilator, it spreads far and wide and stick to every surface, and makes it all stink.....

[underwater2010]

Good job on ignoring his texts.....just be sure to NOT delete them. That way when his wife goes to confront you again her rage will turn back to him when she sees the texts. At this point I am sure that he is telling his BW that you pursued him. Cover your butt.

 

Take this time to focus on your husband. And good luck with D or R.

[underwater2010]

Oh and it's "Schytt hit the FAN".

 

When excrement hits the hi-speed rotating ventilator, it spreads far and wide and stick to every surface, and makes it all stink.....

I think she had it right in this case. Her phone is ringing off the hook and she will have a hard time out in public because off all this. Once the cover is blown off....crap does hit the fan and spreads far. Dirty looks, people talking behind your back, friends that leave and the pain of your spouse's face. She will have a hard road to walk, but she sounds strong and up to the journey.

[Pierre]

I think im finally realising what my actions and selfishness has done, I confessed to my husband just before the wife phoned the house. He was distraught but he said he knew something was up, we both cried and i apologised but i told him i didnt want to live like this anymore, he asked me if we could try one more time, i was honest with him and said i couldnt have sex with him he said lets just take it one step at a time. I have told him im not sure about this but will give it a go.

 

 

Good for you! You did the right thing and saved yourself a lot of trouble. Your H is probably in shock and will have some questions later on. Just be truthful and do not trickle truth. Take your time to decide whether you stay or leave. Not desiring your H is normal since your heart is somewhere else. As long as MM is in your mid you will not be into your H. But, your MM will be unavailable. So you are caught in between.

 

 

 

 

MM mans came to the door last night screaming and shouting, she pushed past one of my toddler children and im ashamed to say I went for her, my husband caught me and a neighbour held her before it became confrontational.

 

Who is "mans"? Sounds like an ugly incident. I guess you are now seeing how nasty affairs are.

 

 

 

Received another text from MM this morning apologising for everything he said he loves me but we have to stop he will contact when the dust settles. I have not text back and do not plan to either, right now this is over i love him but i owe my H much more than MM.

 

This is quite normal. MM loves you very deeply, but this type of affair love has difficulties once the affair bubble is broken. However, MM will miss you as much as you miss him.

 

 

I am enthralled by your statement in bold. Why would you put your H ahead of the MM?

 

 

The phone has been ringing of the hook all morning seems like the gossips have heard the news i havent even been on fb yet (thankfully mm and wife are not on it) I will be heading to the local shops soon with my children and its going to be hard facing everyone but i must do it, i will not shy away ! If his wife dares attack me in the street when my children are present i will not be responsible for my actions against her. Yes i feel bad and i will apologise even grovel but i will not let her attack me.

 

You have no idea how the betrayed wife feels. I have read that the discovery of infidelity feels worse than losing a child. There was a thread about this not that long ago. That is how bad she feels. And she will blame you for her pain. All she sees is an aging men that was seduced by a young woman looking for sex. That is how she sees you and you need to calmly talk to her and see if you can ease her pain. That would be the honorable thing to do and it would enhance your self esteem.

[BetrayedH]

My wife tried to stay with me out of guilt and obligation. It didn't (and doesn't work). That said, Dday is many times a wake-up call for both spouses. I know I made myriad changes for the sake of my wife and marriage of which my wayward wife previously never thought I was capable. I simply had no concept of how unhappy she had been. Once I understood, I moved heaven and earth.

 

I don't know your backstory enough to know your H. I encourage you to look closely at how much your H might be willing and able to change but to also make sure that you don't stay simply out of guilt and obligation. It's a difficult assessment.

 

Otherwise, what classic words from your MM, "when the dust settles." Typical. He leaves you to fend for yourself, while he protects himself and placates his wife, then he will betray her again.

 

Kudos to you for your honesty with your H.

[TheOW]

Pierre that was an error it was supposed to say *wife*

 

I do owe my H more than MM, yes i love him but i dont owe him anything it was all sex and emotions my H was much more than that he was mines and my childrens provider he is the one who helps me daily and supports me not MM. The wife has been texting all morning and the phone is ringing about 10 times per hour. ive not returned any texts so far i will wait until i have had a discussion with my H about OUR future before i can start to think about her. It looks like MM has not thrown me under the bus after all he has been truthful with her .. so far, i can tell from the texts she has sent. Dont know what to do about H i told him i did not love him the way a wife should, he needs to wake-up and realise what i actually am.

[waterwoman]

Good luck OW. I hope it all works out as well as possible for all of you x

[Pierre]

Pierre that was an error it was supposed to say *wife*

 

I do owe my H more than MM, yes i love him but i dont owe him anything it was all sex and emotions my H was much more than that he was mines and my childrens provider he is the one who helps me daily and supports me not MM.

 

OK, this is a very classic affair dynamic of cake eaters (whether conscious or not). MM supplies the "butterflies and romance emotional need" and the H provides the "domestic support emotional need". Two men doing the job of one.

 

The wife has been texting all morning and the phone is ringing about 10 times per hour. ive not returned any texts so far i will wait until i have had a discussion with my H about OUR future before i can start to think about her. It looks like MM has not thrown me under the bus after all he has been truthful with her

 

Oops, I think the opposite, the fact that the BW has been calling you constantly and stormed into your home makes me think that your MM threw you under the bus. Why is she acting like that? It seems MM told his wife it was all your fault and that you went after him. If MM had admitted all guilt she would not be after you. Is your H calling the MM? Is your H thinking about beating the crap of MM? Probably not----------- because you were truthful and admitted your role. I suspect MM made you the "bad guy" in the movie.

[TheOW]

H has moved out for the time being, he came home early and said he couldnt stay around me until he figured out how he feels about all this, i completely understand. My H would like nothing better than to go round to MM house and confront him but i have persuaded him so far not to. MM wife is still texting and i can feel her pain she wants to talk in person and she said she "doesnt believe her H would cheat on her they have the perfect family i must have made him" Im not interested in them atm dont care if he has thrown me under or not.

[Owl]

IF your H decides to reconcile and work on things with you, make sure that you communicate EVERYTHING with him going forward. Save and show him ALL the texts/missed calls/voice messages from MOM and MOM's W.

 

I'm curious...why the change of heart about your H at this point? Why do YOU want to try to reconcile with him, given what I've read in your other threads?

 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't...but I think YOU should spend some time reviewing your own motivations and feelings.

 

ACT...don't REACT.

[BetrayedH]

I hope at some point you find the courage to give the betrayed wife the opportunity to know your truth. A betrayed spouse completely loses their footing when this happens. We have no idea what to believe. How can you make a decision about anything until you feel like you even have a clue what's really happened? Your perspective is a critical one; you're the only other person with first-hand knowledge of what's happened. You have an opportunity to help her to be able to make an informed decision about how to best move forward with her life. I know you are probably too emotional and the BW may be too volatile right now. But instead of ignoring her pleas, perhaps you could at least agree to meeting at a future time to honestly answer her questions. You might also be able to garner some of your own interests, such as a ceasing of the constant calls/texts, and agreement from her that she'll be civil when you have your meeting. I think she would probably give a lot in exchange for some real, honest dialogue.

[Pierre]

H has moved out for the time being, he came home early and said he couldnt stay around me until he figured out how he feels about all this, i completely understand. My H would like nothing better than to go round to MM house and confront him but i have persuaded him so far not to.

 

Translation:

 

You did not throw MM under the bus.

 

 

MM wife is still texting and i can feel her pain she wants to talk in person and she said she "doesnt believe her H would cheat on her they have the perfect family i must have made him" Im not interested in them atm dont care if he has thrown me under or not.

 

Translation: MM threw you under the bus.

 

He probably said the typical story of a young woman chasing him and after some heavy seduction he had to give in. I bet MM probably told the wife there was a bit of necking and no intercourse. He probably said you mean nothing to him. This stuff is really quite predictable.

 

I suggest you meet with the wife in a public place and tell her the truth. It takes two to tango and MM will make you the villain of the story.

 

As for your H. He seems like a very nice man. I would certainly not leave my house if I did nothing wrong.

 

Please meet with the wife and come clean. This is the best thing you can do now. The wife needs to divert her attention to the MM and leave you alone. God knows what MM told the wife. Please clear this up ASAP.

[ComingInHot]

Ow;

So now MM is backing off til "the dust settles", your H left you with the toddlers & BW is beating down the phone to get to you.

 

Does that pretty much sum it up?

 

If so, then it is a good place to start cleaning up the mess your A caused:

 

What can YOU do about what you started with MM? (It reads that he has made the decision for you at least "until the dust settles")

 

What can YOU do about your H leaving you (for a while or longer)?

What do YOU want to do about your H and marriage & Why?

 

What can YOU do about MM's Wife who is trying to reach you?

 

What can YOU do to continue caring for you children through all of this?

 

What can YOU do to make sure that YOU are stable throughout all of this?

 

I can't help but be concerned for you. (I wish I could help it, trust me...)

You have a Monster that you have created & invited into your life, your Marriage, your home & into the lives of your children. I hope your kids are just young enough to not have a grasp at what is going on besides the darkness that has fallen over the home.

 

I think my concern for you is in the off chance that you don't yet fully understand the consequences that your decision will/may bring you.

Have you thought about getting legal council?

It may not be a bad idea to really know where you stand. Either way your H chooses in D or R, you should be prepared. And after His Wife coming to your own front door w/the volatility that she displayed, clearly indicates that she is NOT afraid of crossing boundaries right now.

 

Do you have a safe place to stay and seek help and get support?

[jwi71]

IF your H decides to reconcile and work on things with you, make sure that you communicate EVERYTHING with him going forward. Save and show him ALL the texts/missed calls/voice messages from MOM and MOM's W.

 

I'm curious...why the change of heart about your H at this point? Why do YOU want to try to reconcile with him, given what I've read in your other threads?

 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't...but I think YOU should spend some time reviewing your own motivations and feelings.

 

ACT...don't REACT.

 

I hope you come back to this post OP.

 

What do you want now? - and WHY do you want it?

[Lostinlife4now]

I think im finally realising what my actions and selfishness has done, I confessed to my husband just before the wife phoned the house. He was distraught but he said he knew something was up, we both cried and i apologised but i told him i didnt want to live like this anymore, he asked me if we could try one more time, i was honest with him and said i couldnt have sex with him he said lets just take it one step at a time. I have told him im not sure about this but will give it a go. MM mans came to the door last night screaming and shouting, she pushed past one of my toddler children and im ashamed to say I went for her, my husband caught me and a neighbour held her before it became confrontational.

 

Received another text from MM this morning apologising for everything he said he loves me but we have to stop he will contact when the dust settles. I have not text back and do not plan to either, right now this is over i love him but i owe my H much more than MM. The phone has been ringing of the hook all morning seems like the gossips have heard the news i havent even been on fb yet (thankfully mm and wife are not on it) I will be heading to the local shops soon with my children and its going to be hard facing everyone but i must do it, i will not shy away ! If his wife dares attack me in the street when my children are present i will not be responsible for my actions against her. Yes i feel bad and i will apologise even grovel but i will not let her attack me.

 

Ya know OW....

 

Your marriage might be better than ever after this. Don't throw in the towel just yet!

 

Your H might be forgiving and help you and he through this...

 

That might be the new turn on!

 

Slow down...I know your head is racing....But just breathe!!!!

[waterwoman]

I'm worried about you lovely, right now you need people around you. Do you have people you can call on?