Sh*T has hit the pan

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

 

. Dont know what to do about H i told him i did not love him the way a wife should, he needs to wake-up and realise what i actually am.

 

i said this exact thing to my exH a few days after I confessed about my A. I spent maybe a month and half after that day trying to decide what to do. My emotions were all over the place... with losing my R with MM on top of coming clean to my H... I was just numb. And it's hard when you lose that connection with MM to not automatically fall back on what is 'safe' and comfortable rather than have nothing-- but it isn't fair to your H. And to you either, in the end. Because, eventually how you really feel is still underneath all this chaos thats going on. And, you'll still need to decide what to do. The day I felt sadder about losing my R with MM, then what I had done to my M... I knew it was time to walk away. You need to sit down and figure out how you feel. For you and your H/Family.

[TheOW]

Thanks everyone.

 

not in a good place at the moment but its all my own doing so cant really feel that sorry for myself, end of day my little ones are the most important, spoke with H last night he is angry now, dont blame him but i told him everything, every detail every place and i also that i feel i still love MM i didnt lie about anything or tickle truth him, told it all upfront. Seems MM done the same as my H spoke with his W, I dont know what is going on with them and im not really interested at this moment but MM did tell his W that he said "i love you" to me first, she kept at my H to make me deny he said this she couldnt believe he would.

 

H is staying at a friends at the moment until we figure out what to do, honestly i dont want him back and i wont take him back out of guilt for my actions either, if i loved him i would not have been in an A that is for certain. As someone already said time to grow up and stop living under others. D at this moment is imminent.

 

MM wife has still been calling non stop, texting and has been at the door a few times but luckily my neighbours have been keeping an eye out for her and removing her, i know i will have to face her eventually but i dont think it is good while she is so hostile. I received another text from MM saying "im sorry, this is all my fault, hope you will be ok, i doubt i will be able to text you again"

 

So thats it, im hiding in the house, his W is trying to get me, dont know where MM is, H hates me, family not speaking to me, town is talking about me - just great

[TaraMaiden]

Bound to happen. Probably the most exciting thing to hit the town since those durn redcoats came a gallopin' thru'......

 

Believe it or not, the way to handle this is to try to remain dignified and salvage your pride.

Don't talk to anyone about this, other than those who need to know, be informed, or be included.

Be discreet now, and keep your head down.

 

Let others create whatever drama they want.

For as long as you keep your mouth closed and keep your own counsel, there's little anyone can do to you.

 

In time, people will become bored, and find sympathy with you insofar as being on the receiving end of her aggression is concerned....

They will begin to think, enough is enough, of her actions.

She may even give up and switch her focus onto him....

Watch and wait, but do nothing in that direction....

 

You know what you did was really dumb - let's leave it at that.

The cat is out of the bag, and it's time to look ahead.

[BetrayedH]

i feel i still love MM

 

I received another text from MM saying "...i doubt i will be able to text you again"

 

I honestly don't mean to kick you while you are down. I just have to ask why would you still love a man that is so willing to drop you like a hot rock so he can preserve his marriage? He's going to leave your life in shambles (two shotty texts is all you get?) and you still love him?

[TheOW]

I still love him i cant just turn that off and im not stupid in thinking we can go any further we have caused to much destruction for that. My M is over maybe they can salvage theirs.

 

MF I understand what u are saying but right now i do not have the time to think about her i have my own life my childrens and H right now to think about, in time maybe i will think about her but not now. That is for MM not me he has deal with his family i have to deal with mines.

[TheOW]

BH - Has has text a few times since yesterday, I have not replied or text him at all.

[woinlove]

TheOW, you have a lot on your plate and I'd give priority to your children. However, since you said you spoke to MM's wife during the affair (when she didn't know about it), I'm not sure I could do what you are doing and refuse to speak to her now that she does know about it. You described her as a lovely lady when she was clueless, and I'm sure she still has those traits below her anger, pain and hurt.

 

I had never spoken to MM's BW until after he told her the truth, but I did speak to her shortly after that. Yes, she was very angry and hurt, but I answered her questions honestly and also learned some things from her. I just think since you talked to her when she was purposely kept in the dark about your A with her H, that it seems unnecessarily cruel not to speak to her now that she is hurting so much. I would not do it in the presence of any children however and maybe it could be done over the phone. Your actions have hurt yourself and others, but change can start now in how you treat both yourself and others. What seems painful now, may help in the longer term.

Edited February 13, 2013 by woinlove

[TaraMaiden]

Maybe we're not appreciating that in the middle of all this specific scenario (and each one is different), the MM and the OP are actually in love and would actually like to be together.

 

OP's marriage is basically a non-event, and all that matters now from what I can see, is to make sure the kids are protected from any collateral damage. The marriage may be over, but they're still parents.

 

The BW is infuriated, outraged and out for blood.

But this feeling will exhaust itself.

What the MM will do, is up to him; maybe he'll step up, 'be the man' and confront his wife and say he wants out.

 

He might.

He might not.

 

But simply because this specific couple went about everything in completely the wrong way, and nobody is denying that, including the OP - above ALL, the OP - it doesn't mean to say that they don't have sincere and genuine feelings for one another.

 

The method may be completely skew-whiff and utterly improper.

The possibility exists that their feelings are the polar opposite.

[ComingInHot]

Ow;

Again, this is No longer the time to hide. Since everything else is coming to light, you probably should too.

 

It may be that the longer you "ostrich" from his Wife, the more she will let out her emotions to "everyone" else. Things could get worse for you that way personally & publicly & complicate a D, affecting custody & visitation for you. This would only harm the children.

 

I fear that by Not facing his Wife & your part in causing her pain that she will attempt to "fill in the blanks" at your expense.

 

Did you Really talk to his Wife while you were having sex w/her Husband??

Tell me you didn't...

[BetrayedH]

BH - Has has text a few times since yesterday, I have not replied or text him at all.

 

Fair enough. And I understand not being able to flip a switch. It was just something that struck me. Just don't waste your love on a man that clearly has you as a second choice.

 

Overall, I think that despite the devastation that the affair has wrought, you've made some decent decisions since yesterday. In particular, your honesty with your H was a critical one. I'm also glad you seem committed to fully ending the affair as any continuance would just take you further down the rabbit hole. Many APs lie and continue underground after Dday so I'm glad you've made some better choices.

 

You have waffled on recomitting to your marriage. My personal hope is that you take your time on that decision. You are still wrestling with your feelings for MM and I think you'll teach some clarity on that over time. Your view of your marriage is also likely to morph over time. Give yourself and your husband some time to see how the relationship evolves. Right now is not the time for life-altering decisions.

 

As for the BW, I hope you re-read my previous advice. In my book (and this isn't meant to be unkind), she deserves some closure and you owe it to her. You can try to wash your hands of this but then you had better expect whatever it is you have coming from her. If I were her and you were ignoring me after what you've done, I would be getting pretty pissed. I recommend you diffuse that situation by doing the right thing. Give her one opportunity, by phone if you must, to hear the truth from you and make it clear that you will be completely honest but it is one time and one time only because you are moving on with your life.

[woinlove]

Maybe we're not appreciating that in the middle of all this specific scenario (and each one is different), the MM and the OP are actually in love and would actually like to be together.

 

 

Maybe I missed something, but from TheOW's posts, it seems the MM has consistently said he also loves his W and wants to stay married. Maybe his wife will have a different plan or maybe he will change his mind, but did I miss something where the MM said something other than wanting to stay married?

[Pierre]

Thanks everyone.

 

not in a good place at the moment but its all my own doing so cant really feel that sorry for myself, end of day my little ones are the most important, spoke with H last night he is angry now, dont blame him but i told him everything, every detail every place and i also that i feel i still love MM i didnt lie about anything or tickle truth him, told it all upfront.

 

OW:

 

You have always been one of my favorite posters because you seem to avoid goofy rationalizations. Please do not take any negative remark the wrong way. The last thing i want to to is put you down.

 

 

I congratulate you for telling your H the truth. That solved a lot of problems even if it was counter intuitive.

 

 

Seems MM done the same as my H spoke with his W, I dont know what is going on with them and im not really interested at this moment but MM did tell his W that he said "i love you" to me first, she kept at my H to make me deny he said this she couldnt believe he would.

 

OK, you are contradicting yourself (see bold part). You really cannot know what MM said to his wife. However, I suspect MM has gaslighted his wife and whatever truth she is getting it probably comes form your H.

 

I have the sensation that you cannot comprehend the devastation in the wife of MM. You seem to be lacking empathy and I sort of understand that because many folks in affairs tend to lack empathy for others. As I told you before discovering an affair after a stable long term marriage has been described as one of the most painful devastating event in a person's life. I recall a thread where BS stated many times that it was worse than losing a child. I hope you talk to the wife even if it feels counter intuitive to you. I beg you to start a new life by always doing the right thing. This will improve your low self esteem quite a bit.

 

 

H is staying at a friends at the moment until we figure out what to do, honestly i dont want him back and i wont take him back out of guilt for my actions either, if i loved him i would not have been in an A that is for certain. As someone already said time to grow up and stop living under others. D at this moment is imminent.

 

 

I have issues with your statement in bold. Marriages have ups and downs and there are times when the spouses don't like each other very much. Most of these folks don't use that as an excuse to cheat. Furthermore, cheating is not about not being in love with the spouse anymore. The reason for cheating is inside of you and you would have cheated on any other man that was your H. You have cheated because there is something broken inside of you. I beg you not to rationalize why you cheated.

 

Please set your H free and do not try to save the marriage. That would be a very kind gesture from your part. I also suggest you call your H and ask him to stay in his own home. He has done nothing wrong. Your H should be sleeping in his own bed every night and enjoying his children. You can always sleep in the sofa in the living room.

 

 

 

MM wife has still been calling non stop, texting and has been at the door a few times but luckily my neighbours have been keeping an eye out for her and removing her, i know i will have to face her eventually but i dont think it is good while she is so hostile. I received another text from MM saying "im sorry, this is all my fault, hope you will be ok, i doubt i will be able to text you again"

 

So thats it, im hiding in the house, his W is trying to get me, dont know where MM is, H hates me, family not speaking to me, town is talking about me - just great

 

Get this over with and meet with the wife. Do you lack empathy? Are you afraid to discover things about MM that you do not want to know? Are you afraid to see the damage? I understand all of that, but you need to face these issues to move on to the next level.

Edited February 13, 2013 by Pierre

[Owl]

Sounds to me like you've decided that your marriage is over...ok. It sounds like you've decided that the AFFAIR is over, but now you're waiting to see if MM ends his marriage so that the two of you can still have a relationship, or if he chooses to reconcile with her.

 

Sound right?

 

One thing...beware him trying for option #3...keeping you on the back burner, sham his wife into thinking he's reconciling, and then resuming things with you once the coast has cleared.

 

Stick to your own game plan, whatever that is. Try to focus on ending your marriage as smoothly and fairly as you can at this point...odds are, that won't be easy given the revelations your H has just suffered.

[TheOW]

I dont know what im thinking right now my marriage is over his wife is out for my blood, i will speak with her when she calms down i will tell her the whole truth from my own mouth and answer all her questions but not right now. Yes i had previously spoken with her we live in same area it was hard not to even though i tried to avoid it many times.

 

I dont know what i want right now, but me and MM are over i wont go back there ever, im learning a very hard lesson right now and i will have to pick myself up and face everyone for the benefit of my children.

[blazeH]

I'm not suggesting she is being dignified or helping her cause, and I will never condone violence, but do you realize that the vehemence you're seeing from MMs wife is a direct measure of how much you hurt her? Yes you, not just him. Both of you.

 

I remember your thread on infidelity where you were pretty patronizing. It would be nice to know you had some empathy now you can see the pain you've caused, not just to your family but to another family you had no reason to hurt.

 

I think the best thing to do now is be kind to the innocents, your H, his W, the children. They deserved better than what they were dealt and they still do. You will get over this and move on more easily I think because you had a measure of control at some point. They have had none and will take a very long time, if they ever really recover. And they will never be the same, that's for certain. Because of the affair.

 

I don't know your backstory but using guilt to emotionally bully this woman I think is just you projecting your feelings onto her. I agree A hurt everyone involved and the ones not in the reality of it have the most work to do as far as dealing with the untold lies that were put in place by those in the knowing. This is when the BS gets to own their decisions to stay or go. Take all the time they need. Stick to the boundaries that they have regarding infidelity. They however, including you don't get to beat someone with their indiscretions. It solves nothing, and it creates a almost definite that the marriage, if salvageable will never be a true reconciliation.

 

I believe the MM wife's is handling this very immaturely. Yes the initial reaction is to blame someone else, or to lash out at the AP because it's so much easier to do that then to be honest with oneself. Why did this happen? How could my spouse look outside the marriage to get their needs met? I can pretty much gurantee the communication and trust in that marriage was broken way before the A began. No excuse, just the reality of why so many A's start. Especially when two married people are involved. Such a different dynamic then a single OP filling voids for a married one.

 

To the original poster...yes you know the mess you have created. The only people you are responsible to right now are your kids and yourself. You have been honest with your H about the A and your feelings toward the marriage. How your H chooses to react from here on out is his to own. Your doing the right thing by understanding how he feels, accepting whatever he chooses with the options he has. Some are willing to stay and try to make it work for the sake of the family and your only decision is to decide if that is something you are willing to do with the knowledge of how u feel. There may be regrets in the future, but ones that you can come to terms with given the choices you have made.

 

Only time will tell what you truly need. And you at this point seem to be in the mind set that the marriage is done and this dday is the best time to end it. I truly applaud u for that. So many stay for security and the predictability of what is comfortable, always knowing what their going to get even if it's not what they truly want. So many people stay in unhealthy, unloving and unfulfilling marriages due to that. It takes a strength to look in the mirror, see your mistakes and fully own them by doing the hardest thing I think anyone can do and that is being honest with ones self.

 

Keep your head up. Shame is something that we can learn from. From this day forward you get to choose who you want to be and be it. That is something to be proud of.

[TaraMaiden]

Maybe I missed something, but from TheOW's posts, it seems the MM has consistently said he also loves his W and wants to stay married. Maybe his wife will have a different plan or maybe he will change his mind, but did I miss something where the MM said something other than wanting to stay married?

Maybe I missed it too... But there are cases I personally know of where AP's have actually built a life together in the aftermath of an affair.

It may not be common, but it does happen... I recall a member here did just that with her AP.

Quite some time ago now.....

 

However, in view of this statement from TheOW

me and MM are over i wont go back there ever,

 

My comment is both academic and redundant.

 

I do agree with blazeH however:

 

beating the OP round the head with the cast-iron Guilt-skillet is completely counter-productive, particularly as she is already remorseful and fully admits 'liability'.

 

If she was defiant and remorseless, I could understand. But let's not kick the lady while she's already down.

[Pierre]

reconciliation.

 

I believe the MM wife's is handling this very immaturely. Yes the initial reaction is to blame someone else, or to lash out at the AP because it's so much easier to do that then to be honest with oneself. Why did this happen? How could my spouse look outside the marriage to get their needs met?

 

I get the textbook response, but it is not rocket science. Any male who is in his early 50s (or late 40s) would be tempted to have sex regularly with a very young attractive woman. Lets be real!

 

I can pretty much gurantee the communication and trust in that marriage was broken way before the A began. No excuse, just the reality of why so many A's start. Especially when two married people are involved. Such a different dynamic then a single OP filling voids for a married one.

 

Sometimes men in mid life cheat, it is not uncommon.

 

To the original poster...yes you know the mess you have created. The only people you are responsible to right now are your kids and yourself.

 

I don't agree with the concept of preaching rationalization or lack of empathy to others that were also devastated by this mess. I say this knowing quite well OW is not a bad person. That is quite clear from her many posts which I have read from day one. However, she is troubled.

 

 

Only time will tell what you truly need. And you at this point seem to be in the mind set that the marriage is done and this dday is the best time to end it. I truly applaud u for that. So many stay for security and the predictability of what is comfortable, always knowing what their going to get even if it's not what they truly want. So many people stay in unhealthy, unloving and unfulfilling marriages due to that. It takes a strength to look in the mirror, see your mistakes and fully own them by doing the hardest thing I think anyone can do and that is being honest with ones self.

 

She should do the right thing and end the marriage, I agree.

 

Keep your head up. Shame is something that we can learn from. From this day forward you get to choose who you want to be and be it. That is something to be proud of.

 

OW should not move on to another relationship as she will simply repeat the pattern. In fact seeing MM (a much older man) was repeating the same pattern she did when she met her current H.

 

OW needs intense IC.

[woinlove]

Maybe I missed it too... But there are cases I personally know of where AP's have actually built a life together in the aftermath of an affair.

It may not be common, but it does happen... I recall a member here did just that with her AP.

Quite some time ago now.....

 

However, in view of this statement from TheOW

 

My comment is both academic and redundant.

 

OK. When they restarted the A a couple weeks ago, TheOW made it clear that neither wanted to be together in real life (as she put it), it was just to be an A where MM made it clear he wanted to stay married. So, even if the W kicks him out, not sure it is good to look here for a non-A relationship.

 

TheOW, I think it is good that you feel this is over with MM. Stay strong and stick to it.

[Lostinlife4now]

Thanks everyone.

 

not in a good place at the moment but its all my own doing so cant really feel that sorry for myself, end of day my little ones are the most important, spoke with H last night he is angry now, dont blame him but i told him everything, every detail every place and i also that i feel i still love MM i didnt lie about anything or tickle truth him, told it all upfront. Seems MM done the same as my H spoke with his W, I dont know what is going on with them and im not really interested at this moment but MM did tell his W that he said "i love you" to me first, she kept at my H to make me deny he said this she couldnt believe he would.

 

H is staying at a friends at the moment until we figure out what to do, honestly i dont want him back and i wont take him back out of guilt for my actions either, if i loved him i would not have been in an A that is for certain. As someone already said time to grow up and stop living under others. D at this moment is imminent.

 

MM wife has still been calling non stop, texting and has been at the door a few times but luckily my neighbours have been keeping an eye out for her and removing her, i know i will have to face her eventually but i dont think it is good while she is so hostile. I received another text from MM saying "im sorry, this is all my fault, hope you will be ok, i doubt i will be able to text you again"

 

So thats it, im hiding in the house, his W is trying to get me, dont know where MM is, H hates me, family not speaking to me, town is talking about me - just great

 

 

HI OW.....

 

First of all...do not speak with the BW right now. She is not in her right frame of mind. Things will be said that she probably would not say if she had time to sleep on it. And that goes for you also. Everyone needs to step back...and BREATHE.

 

You say you live in a small community, everyone knows one another...bored...well you gave them something to do for the next couple of weeks. After that...It will die down and be a memory. Trust me, I know, and have girlfriends who have been through this...and now...NOTHING....like nothing ever happened.

 

While I agree you need to speak to the BW....but her H needs to pick up the pieces FIRST...

 

As far as your H...give him time...alot of it. If he loves you, he will forgive you and like I said in an earlier post...YOUR MARRIAGE MIGHT BE BETTER THAN EVER!

 

As far as the sex.....well, I have girlfriends who have not had sex with their husbands in YEARS....Yes YEARS, and they seem to be quite happy. It's not all about the sex. It's about being there for one another.

 

One more thing, my XMM W would NEVER EVER EVER think he would cheat on her. WRONG!!!!!!!

[Pierre]

Maybe I missed it too... But there are cases I personally know of where AP's have actually built a life together in the aftermath of an affair.

It may not be common, but it does happen... I recall a member here did just that with her AP.

Quite some time ago now.....

 

 

Tara, OW is a very young attractive woman married to an older man. MM is even older than her H and MM never planned to leave his marriage.

 

This is a typical cake eating man in mid life crisis that has met a very desirable firm attractive young woman.

 

Furthermore, OW has a troubled past and the MM is simply taking advantage of the situation without regard to his wife, children (on both sides) and the BH.

 

This is not the typical soap opera romance story. This was basically an affair for the MM to eat cake and for OW to medicate her own issues.

 

But, lets follow your point. If OW and the MM were to get together nothing would be solved. She would be in the same boat with an even older man. OW needs counseling to get herself fixed before ever trying another relationship. Otherwise, she repeats the story.

[Got it]

Tara, OW is a very young attractive woman married to an older man. MM is even older than her H and MM never planned to leave his marriage.

 

This is a typical cake eating man in mid life crisis that has met a very desirable firm attractive young woman.

 

Furthermore, OW has a troubled past and the MM is simply taking advantage of the situation without regard to his wife, children (on both sides) and the BH.

 

This is not the typical soap opera romance story. This was basically an affair for the MM to eat cake and for OW to medicate her own issues.

 

But, lets follow your point. If OW and the MM were to get together nothing would be solved. She would be in the same boat with an even older man. OW needs counseling to get herself fixed before ever trying another relationship. Otherwise, she repeats the story.

 

She is married too. Why are you painting her to be the victim. They are equal in this and cake eating if you please (no disrespect to the OP) or for both to medicate their issues. Since you don't know them you can't begin to surmise why they were in an affair and what they were hoping to get out of it especially the MM here because he hasn't said his piece.

 

Jeez, they are both married, both equal.

[Pierre]

Jeez, they are both married, both equal.

 

Yeah, equal, but MM is an old man with no serious issues other than being old and in MLC.

 

OW, a young woman has a very troubled childhood.

 

 

Yeah, it is cake eating for the MM. But, OW would gladly be with MM if she could. OW is willing to end her marriage and I seriously doubt MM is going to do that.

 

It is never equal when an old experienced man takes advantage of a troubled young women with very low self esteem and looking desperately for external validation.

[blazeH]

I have no clue how to break this up into responses to direct quotes BY PIERRE...so forgive me if I go off on a tangent. I will try not to

 

I am not preaching...all this woman is responsible For at this very moment is herself and her kids. I never said she shouldn't empathize because I failed to mention to understand the BS feelings. Yet I don't think it needs to be a priority for her. Her kids and her issues are her priority. please don't put your perspective on my words as my thoughts.

 

Exactly...this middle aged man is married to a middle aged woman who needs to take control of herself and be mature. You said it yourself...this is pretty much common behavior for some middle aged men. So what...middle aged woman shouldnt be surprised. Then why is this middle aged woman harrassing the OP? Or is this whole middle aged cheating thing only common knowledge amongst men? I by no means said the OP should stick around pinning for him. All I said is that she isn't responsible for her exmm W's BEHAVIORS nor does she need to worry about it. What she needs is to take care of herself. Clearly meaning...yes she is troubled...again take care of yourself and kids.

 

Nope never said she should find another man. Just said to use what is clearly not something one can be proud of a a source to be better. Shame can teach a person who is willing to learn from it.

[Pierre]

All I said is that she isn't responsible for her exmm W's BEHAVIORS nor does she need to worry about it. What she needs is to take care of herself. Clearly meaning...yes she is troubled...again take care of yourself and kids.

 

 

I agree with most of your post, but the above is simply a bit off.

 

TOW was having sex with the H of this woman with great regularity. And to now say it is not my problem the wife is upset is a bit dehumanizing (see bold).

 

As human beings we should have some courtesy and kindness to each other as long as we aspire to achieve greater levels of civility.

 

I am also surprised you advise her to only concentrate on herself and kids. Why not show a bit of empathy to the husband even if she is not in love with him anymore. If you read TOW's history from beginning to end you will see the H is basically a nice man. TOW did not demonize the H to justify her affair.

 

 

The affair itself is just LIFE and these things happen. Anyone can have an affair and I am certain I will be tempted to have sex with a young woman when I get older.:D

 

What is really important is what she does now. Will she take this opportunity to grow and become a greater person? Does TOW have a conscience? Sweeping the pain inflicted on others under the rug is not a good remedy for TOW.

Edited February 13, 2013 by Pierre

[blazeH]

Yeah, equal, but MM is an old man with no serious issues other than being old and in MLC.

 

OW, a young woman has a very troubled childhood.

 

 

Yeah, it is cake eating for the MM. But, OW would gladly be with MM if she could. OW is willing to end her marriage and I seriously doubt MM is going to do that.

 

It is never equal when an old experienced man takes advantage of a troubled young women with very low self esteem and looking desperately for external validation.

 

You make me laugh. You must be a muddled aged man to know so much about other people. Clearly middle aged men have no issues and go after young weak women? And clearly his marriage just got stale and he needed an ego boost.

 

And external validation is a human instinct. We look for it in every relationship we have. Isnt that what you do every time you post and someone agrees with your logic?

 

I am married to a middle aged man. I am not a middle aged woman, so should I be checking his phone records as he is a traveling salesman? Hmmmm nope. But believe me, if he ever feels the need to cheat...and believe me I am tired most nights because I work, take care of his kids, his house blah blah blah...it's my responsibility to deal with him and his actions as it is he who comitted a adultery in OUR marriage. The OW is not my problem, nor do I need details from her. If I need details to decide if I'm going to stay or not...that is my H's responsibility to give them to me. If he chooses to lie, TT blame shift well it's my responsibility to do what is best for me. I deserve the truth and if he can't give it, after my truth is told which would be...you have a better chance at saving this marriage by being honest and then own my decisions from there on out.

 

I think people who are married need to set this boundary before they get married. It's the married couples responsibility to get into MC and deal with the deceit and whatever may have led to it not the OW's.

 

If middle aged man is TT, blame shifting, etc then it isn't the OW's responsibility to fix that for BS. This exmm admitted to having an A, what else does the W need to know to make an informative decision? My God...intercourse is forgivable but oral isn't? The OP owes the W nothing more especially when she needs to focus on her own healing.

 

You have said nothing to help the OP but to push your middle aged syndrome onto people responses. Here's some external validation for you...middle aged men cheat! We aren't entitled to fidelity.