Vow Renewal and Abusive Family.

[Nyla]

My husband and I have decided to have a vow renewal for our fifth anniversary.

 

We are doing this because so many things about our engagement and wedding were sad and disappointing. We couldn't afford the wedding we wanted and we eloped because my mother kept trying to take over our wedding, despite my firm objections.

 

My family did not speak to us for almost a year because we eloped. Our wedding day was painful instead of happy and our guests were late, which ruined plans I made for a long time.

 

I realize that some people think that vow renewals are silly, but that is not the problem I am struggling with.

 

I don't know whether to invite my family of origin to my vow renewal. I don't like them because my mother has always been abusive and the rest of my family sides with her when she is terrible to me. I have always felt like an outsider and as if I did not belong in that family. I am the most emotionally aware, compassionate and honest.

 

I'd feel fake having a vow renewal with my family because we are not close and I don't like to pretend. The only reason I am in contact with my family is my nieces. If I don't "play by the rules" and have contact with my mother, I will not see my nieces. I hate how manipulative and controlling my family of origin is.

 

I should say that they are speaking to me again since the elopement and since I met my husband they have stopped being abusive. I guess they respect me more now that I married....I still have flashbacks to being abused and bullied by my mother and brothers.

 

When I think of not inviting them to my vow renewal, I feel guilty for some reason. When I think of having my family there, it feels fake. I have no idea what would be the best choice and I keep going back and forth.

 

Please help. Give my your opinion on what would be the best choice. I am not looking for comments about whether or not vow renewals are proper or whatever; that is not my issue.

[ThaWholigan]

This is a familiar situation - my mother doesn't quite get on with her family at the moment which is unfortunate from my POV but understandable. I digress....

 

Nonetheless, I think that if it's not going to negatively impact the occasion, it might actually be good for your family to be there. It might be difficult, but perhaps as a show of solidarity it might indicate an upturn, and a fresh start for both you and your family. In the event that doesn't happen, it might still turn out to be a positive occasion for all involved. I do understand that families can be problematic though, so if you decide you cannot go through with it, that may not necessarily be bad overall.

[pink_sugar]

I am also having a vow renewal for our fifth anniversary in May. I know exactly how you feel and there was also a lot of drama at our wedding. For the last few years, I fantasized about how it would be great to have a big drama free celebration for a vow renewal. I think people look down at vow renewals when you want a second wedding. I don't see what's wrong with it unless you are asking for gifts or something. Now that the date is closer, we have decided to keep it small and intimate. There is always some sort of drama with celebrations, especially in our families. We've decided to focus on ourselves this time, drama-free. It's about you and your husband and what you both want, not anyone else. I don't need to worry about what people will think of me being married 5 years and wearing a wedding gown for my vow renewal. I suggest, save the $, invite a couple people who are very close to you and go on a nice honeymoon. Now that I look back, I would have rather had a small wedding and spent the $ on a nice honeymoon. It's all over within hours, but if you use the $ on a honeymoon you can get a few weeks out of it.

[Nyla]

Oh, I was not planning on asking for gifts.

 

I'm going to put "Your presence is the best present" on the invitations.

 

We had a very nice honeymoon when we married, even though the wedding was terrible.

 

It wouldn't be problematic to invite my family and since I did not have them at my wedding the first time and they were so hurt, I almost feel obligated.

Edited February 12, 2013 by Nyla

[pink_sugar]

Don't feel obligated. If you aren't close with them, there is no reason to. It's your day, invite those people close to you to celebrate it with you.

[CC12]

It wouldn't be problematic to invite my family and since I did not have them at my wedding the first time and they were so hurt, I almost feel obligated.

 

It would not be problematic to invite your family? So the only reasons you might not invite them are that you don't like them very much, and that it will feel fake if they attend? Don't get me wrong, those reasons are fine. If you don't want them there, don't invite them. You don't owe anyone an invitation. But you'll do this knowing that people might be very hurt, and that it might damage relationships. If you're okay with that, the run with it and don't look back.

 

But if you're trying to "play by the rules" as you say, then you might just invite them to keep the peace. If they won't be problematic, you can mostly try to avoid them at your party-thing. Say hello, thank them for coming, then be really busy for the rest of the time and ignore any silliness that comes from that side of the room. It's about you and your husband, not any of the guests.

[jwi71]

I don't know whether to invite my family of origin to my vow renewal. I don't like them because my mother has always been abusive and the rest of my family sides with her when she is terrible to me. I have always felt like an outsider and as if I did not belong in that family.

 

I'd feel fake having a vow renewal with my family because we are not close and I don't like to pretend. The only reason I am in contact with my family is my nieces. If I don't "play by the rules" and have contact with my mother, I will not see my nieces. I hate how manipulative and controlling my family of origin is.

 

You answer your own question.

 

Please help. Give my your opinion on what would be the best choice. I am not looking for comments about whether or not vow renewals are proper or whatever; that is not my issue.

 

Its ok to be conflicted - especially when in view of the past the present seems to be better. So does not inviting them set you back?

 

Here's what I would do.

 

Invite mom to lunch (and others as you see fit).

Explain that you are renewing your vows.

Explain that you would like to invite them but you are worried that this day will be stained by ghosts in the past (the history of abuse).

Ask if they want to heal and mend these wounds - to be a closer more nuclear family. Can they, if only for a day, be the family you want and dream of.

Ask your mom to think it over and no decision to be made immediately. Say you will call back in 48 hours.

Yes...you will have to put yourself out there.

Yes...its scary.

But you will HAVE your answer - one way or the other.

[Nyla]

The party would be too small to avoid family members.

 

Two of my siblings are especially abusive and love to talk behind my back.

 

Jwi71, I appreciate your suggestion. However, my mother is not the kind of person I can have a rational conversation with. She does not like me very much and she becomes very verbally abusive if she hears something she doesn't like.

 

My mother will also complain about our conversation to the rest of my immediate family and I will be berated for upsetting my mom. She is a narcissist and the rest of my family is afraid of her, so they do my mom's bidding and carry news about me to her.

 

My family refuses to accept any responsibility for being abusive. I know that because I have confronted them in the past.

 

I don't like my mom or two of my three brothers to know anything about my life, because they like to broadcast my business. I have learned that the hard way. I am the scapegoat and the outcast because I dare to speak out against abuse and I do what makes me happy instead of what is expected of me.

 

I have decided to have the vow renewal with just my husband and I. It will be more romantic and less stressful that way. We eloped the first time because my mom was trying to turn my wedding, into a spectacle to make her look rich. My husband and I are each other's family.The physical and emotional abuse, along with the scapegoating is far too much. I don't deserve it.

 

I resent the way my mother tries to push herself into my life. She gets very angry if she calls and I don't answer or if I rarely visit. I don't understand how she could possibly think that I would want to be her friend.

[2sure]

I am one of those people that finds not vow renewals but the "wedding reception" that follows silly. And like you said, that isn't the issue.

 

But it can be and it solves your problem. Think about a wedding reception. It's a dinner party celebrating something shared, you invite guests to celebrate with you. This whole idea of couples inviting guests to honor them is crass. You are the host, they are the guests whom you have invited to share a special day with you. It's a dinner party, or brunch, formal or not, white dress or not.

 

You invite who think would most enjoy spending that particular day with you.

 

It's easy to omit someone , even an abusive mother , and say:

 

My goodness, I just really didn't think this party was something that would have interested you?

[2sure]

And by the way....abusers always make people feel guilty.especially after the fact.

[Nyla]

My husband and I will just have a romantic time by ourselves. That is the easiest and most stress free way.

 

The less I deal with my family, the better it is for me. They never acknowledge our anniversary because we eloped, so I don't think that it makes sense to spend money on a party for people who are toxic and refuse to be supportive or pleasant.

[Nyla]

It would not be problematic to invite your family? So the only reasons you might not invite them are that you don't like them very much, and that it will feel fake if they attend? Don't get me wrong, those reasons are fine. If you don't want them there, don't invite them. You don't owe anyone an invitation. But you'll do this knowing that people might be very hurt, and that it might damage relationships. If you're okay with that, the run with it and don't look back.

 

But if you're trying to "play by the rules" as you say, then you might just invite them to keep the peace. If they won't be problematic, you can mostly try to avoid them at your party-thing. Say hello, thank them for coming, then be really busy for the rest of the time and ignore any silliness that comes from that side of the room. It's about you and your husband, not any of the guests.

 

The relationship between myself and my family of origin is already damaged. I am not the meek little girl that they can walk all over anymore and that scares them.

 

They simply do not have to know that I am renewing my vows. I was going to have them there since they were not there the day I married for similar reasons, but there is no need to pretend or appease people who are not kind to me.

 

I've come to this conclusion after a discussion with my therapist as well as my husband.

[pink_sugar]

My husband and I will just have a romantic time by ourselves. That is the easiest and most stress free way.

 

The less I deal with my family, the better it is for me. They never acknowledge our anniversary because we eloped, so I don't think that it makes sense to spend money on a party for people who are toxic and refuse to be supportive or pleasant.

 

I think this is the best way to go and you won't regret it. Plan an anniversary party afterwards to invite people who are close to you and your husband. Vow renewals are more for close family and friends...unlike a wedding where people invite 50-150 people. I don't think that would be as crass as a "wedding reception".

Edited February 13, 2013 by pink_sugar

[mitchell]

You sound like you have a toxic and dysfunctional family. Best to just devote your efforts to your husband and your marriage.

 

You eloped 5 years ago to avoid the drama. Not much has changed. If you are going to renew your vows, just make it a private, personal affair between the two of you.

[jwi71]

Jwi71, I appreciate your suggestion. However, my mother is not the kind of person I can have a rational conversation with. She does not like me very much and she becomes very verbally abusive if she hears something she doesn't like.

 

My mother will also complain about our conversation to the rest of my immediate family and I will be berated for upsetting my mom. She is a narcissist and the rest of my family is afraid of her, so they do my mom's bidding and carry news about me to her.

 

My family refuses to accept any responsibility for being abusive. I know that because I have confronted them in the past.

 

I don't like my mom or two of my three brothers to know anything about my life, because they like to broadcast my business. I have learned that the hard way. I am the scapegoat and the outcast because I dare to speak out against abuse and I do what makes me happy instead of what is expected of me.

 

I have decided to have the vow renewal with just my husband and I. It will be more romantic and less stressful that way. We eloped the first time because my mom was trying to turn my wedding, into a spectacle to make her look rich. My husband and I are each other's family.The physical and emotional abuse, along with the scapegoating is far too much. I don't deserve it.

 

I resent the way my mother tries to push herself into my life. She gets very angry if she calls and I don't answer or if I rarely visit. I don't understand how she could possibly think that I would want to be her friend.

 

Yikes.

 

Given all this - why would you even THINK of inviting them?

 

Its ok to turn your back on those toxic and poisonous people. They aren't doing YOU any good at all.

 

I'd block them, go NC and never look back. If its this bad - your family will NEVER see the good in you nor will they ever be or think good of you. You cant change that.

 

So, like cancer, cut it out of your life, hold your head up high, and LIVE YOUR LIFE.

[Nyla]

If it wasn't for my nieces and my father, I wouldn't see my family at all.

 

Unfortunately, my nieces would be kept from me and my father won't talk to me if I don't talk to my mother. He has to do whatever my mom says or there will be hell to pay for him. My father is the loving and gentle parent who adores me. My mother has always been jealous of our closeness. I wish my father protected me from my mother, but I understand that he was just a victim too. He was scared of my mom.

 

I was thinking of inviting them before just to be nice.

Now I realize there is no need for me to have an expensive party for people who have been a-holes for most of my life.

 

Our third anniversary is this year. My husband and I are looking forward to a very romantic fifth anniversary celebration. All we have is each other; my husband is really only loved by his father. My MIL is very hateful and jealous, she goes around saying that she wishes she never had children, because her two sons stand up for their wives when my MIL is rude to my SIL and I.