He hasn't texted me in 7 days: I want closure?

[Sweeetie]

Nothing has changed. He's repeating himself to you. He doesn't want a relationship. He told you this, as defined in the previous thread.

 

No, he didn't repeat himself. I didn't put our whole conversation up on here. I also asked him if he had wanted the same a few weeks ago when we were dating, and he said he was open to a relationship at that time; that he was "Investigating and hoping". But that now he is "pretty sure" that he doesn't want one, and that's what made him disappear.

[iKING]

Thanks everyone. I am glad that I reached out because the curiosity about why specifically he had left was inhibiting me from having my closure. But that wasn't the end of it. He says he is really attracted to me so he wants to be friends with benefits. I have never done this with anyone before so I am hesitating about this.

 

We were talking a bit about it and I asked him if he meant 'hanging out as well as sex', which is what I want, in oppose to just sex. He says he wants just sex; no other hanging out. This is deterring me a lot from saying yes because essentially he just wants to use my body. I will lose all self-respect for myself if I go ahead.

 

Unless you're looking for the same thing, don't do it. Don't let someone treat you like a piece of meat if you're not looking to be treated that way. If you want a quick bang, he's letting you know he's down for it, if you want affection or a real relationship, look elsewhere.

[Sweeetie]

When you posted this thread weeks ago, I think I was the first person to point out that he wasn't texting you because you hadn't texted him.

 

Some men want to also know what they're chasing will reciprocate.

 

I'm pretty sure he just let spelled that out for you right there. He wasn't sure if you were still interested in him, so he didn't text you and instead hoped you would get in contact with him.

 

Communication is incredibly difficult it seems. People and their games, so stupid.

 

Yes, you were right. But I didn't text him because he had treated me with very little respect during the time that we were dating, going on and on about other hot girls.

But the others were also right; in the other part of his explanation for disappearing he explained it was because he realised he didn't want a relationship.

[Sweeetie]

Unless you're looking for the same thing, don't do it. Don't let someone treat you like a piece of meat if you're not looking to be treated that way. If you want a quick bang, he's letting you know he's down for it, if you want affection or a real relationship, look elsewhere.

 

You're right.

I'm feeling really sad about it to be honest. I like this guy in more ways than one and we have so much in common, yet he only wants sex with me and nothing else. He can't see past my looks, it is like I am just a doll to him. If I do embark on this 'f*ck buddy' journey with him it will make me feel hurt as I start yearning for his care. It will feel so weird; I have never been intimate with someone who can't see past my looks. The men I've slept with in the past have been my two boyfriends, both who cared very much about me. I wish he did too. I'm just going to feel like a whore and nothing else if I do it.

Edited February 24, 2013 by Sweeetie

[reptilelover88]

I would strongly advise you against accepting a friends with benefits situation with this man. It would clearly make you uncomfortable. Not everyone can handle FWB (especially women, who are more likely to become emotionally attached through sex). Even if you're one of the ones who can - and you actually want that situation and everything it entails - it's definitely better to get involved with a new person whom you haven't previously dated. I say this as someone who's had quite a few FWBs over the years but managed to not get hurt (and hopefully not hurt anyone else either) by maintaining clear boundaries and avoiding already messy situations such as this one.

[iKING]

You're right.

I'm feeling really sad about it to be honest. I like this guy in more ways than one and we have so much in common, yet he only wants sex with me and nothing else. He can't see past my looks, it is like I am just a doll to him. If I do embark on this 'f*ck buddy' journey with him it will make me feel hurt as I start yearning for his care. It will feel so weird; I have never been intimate with someone who can't see past my looks. The men I've slept with in the past have been my two boyfriends, both who cared very much about me. I wish he did too. I'm just going to feel like a whore and nothing else if I do it.

 

You really don't seem like the type of girl to do that sort of thing, there's no reason to start now. Sweet girls should have someone who treats them with kindness and respect. You get what you give, you give what you get. I'm not here to try to tell you what to do, but considering your views on this, and your general attitude from your posts, I don't see this being right for you.

[Sweeetie]

I would strongly advise you against accepting a friends with benefits situation with this man. It would clearly make you uncomfortable. Not everyone can handle FWB (especially women, who are more likely to become emotionally attached through sex). Even if you're one of the ones who can - and you actually want that situation and everything it entails - it's definitely better to get involved with a new person whom you haven't previously dated. I say this as someone who's had quite a few FWBs over the years but managed to not get hurt (and hopefully not hurt anyone else either) by maintaining clear boundaries and avoiding already messy situations such as this one.

 

You really don't seem like the type of girl to do that sort of thing, there's no reason to start now. Sweet girls should have someone who treats them with kindness and respect. You get what you give, you give what you get. I'm not here to try to tell you what to do, but considering your views on this, and your general attitude from your posts, I don't see this being right for you.

 

Yes, you're both right and I know it's not right for me. I just don't want to say goodbye to him I'm someone who gets attached to people quickly and I don't like goodbyes because everyone is different and if I like someone I don't want to lose them. This further emphasises how harmful a FWB relationship would be for me. I have gone through two major heartbreaks in my life and I know this man will be the 3rd if I go ahead with this. I don't want that.

[reptilelover88]

Yes, you're both right and I know it's not right for me. I just don't want to say goodbye to him I'm someone who gets attached to people quickly and I don't like goodbyes because everyone is different and if I like someone I don't want to lose them. This further emphasises how harmful a FWB relationship would be for me. I have gone through two major heartbreaks in my life and I know this man will be the 3rd if I go ahead with this. I don't want that.

 

Then be strong. Your feelings of sadness will fluctuate, but overall this is the worst you will feel right now. So long as you don't 'pick the wound' (by contacting or worse, sleeping with him) you will feel better and better. Then one day you'll realise it doesn't even bother you any more. Good luck!

[oldschool1]

Sweetie, you're being very smart here. I have to give this guy credit; he's not lying to you. However, you don't want the same things, and that is the number one reason why you shouldn't proceed with a FWB situation. You will get more and more attached, while his feelings won't shift. I know it hurts now, but it will hurt so much more if you get involved in an uneven relationship. If this man didn't know how to treat you on a proper date, then imagine how poorly he would treat you as a FWB.

 

Once you find someone else, you will forget this guy!

[sillyanswer]

He can't see past my looks,

 

I don't think you can be sure about that, based on what you've told us. It could just as likely be that he has seen past your looks and found something that he doesn't think is going to work in a relationship with him... or (and this is what he actually said) he isn't ready for a relationship.

 

There's no reason to read more into this than there is... he likes you enough to want to fck you, but not more... and if that isn't what you want then just decline.

 

(and, from what you've said, I think you should decline, but that's not the point I'm making.)

[pbjbear]

What is up with all the emotionally weak women today with no self respect?

 

Sweetie, why are you still posting about this and thinking about this man?

Edited February 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[tbf]

Equally however I do not want to jump into a relationship.

 

<snip>

 

But I think it's clear our personalities have clashed quite hard here and I think it would be best for us to walk away.

 

<snip>

 

I'm worried we may want different things: I'm just dipping my toe back into dating tbh so I'm gonna take everything very very slowly on the relationship front - whereas I sense you're ready for something serious.

 

<snip>

 

but I don't know that I can give you what you want.

 

No, he didn't repeat himself. I didn't put our whole conversation up on here. I also asked him if he had wanted the same a few weeks ago when we were dating, and he said he was open to a relationship at that time; that he was "Investigating and hoping". But that now he is "pretty sure" that he doesn't want one, and that's what made him disappear.

Really? The above excerpts came from your last thread. It's time to move on because he's not that into you.

[kimberlydoll]

This guy is not into you- plain and simple.

 

Stop looking at what a guy says and examine instead what he does

[Sweeetie]

Really? The above excerpts came from your last thread. It's time to move on because he's not that into you.

 

I thought that too but a couple of days ago when I asked him about those particular messages he had sent me weeks ago during that discussion you've taken the excerpts from, in which he had also said "I didn't want you just for sex", he replied to me "back then I was open to a relationship but now I'm not anymore." So it was different to what we thought; he wasn't himself sure back then. Now he is.

Edited February 24, 2013 by Sweeetie

[tbf]

I thought that too but a couple of days ago when I asked him about those particular messages he had sent me weekd ago during that discussion you've taken the excerpts from, in which he had also said "I didn't want you just for sex", he replied to me "back then I was open to a relationship but now I'm not anymore." So it was different to what we thought; he wasn't himself sure back then. Now he is.

*facepalm* You wanted a relationship, he didn't and still doesn't. Why is and was it so obvious to everyone else besides the two of you?

[Sweeetie]

This guy is not into you- plain and simple.

 

Stop looking at what a guy says and examine instead what he does

 

I know that from what he and I were talking about these last couple of days since I reached out to him. What made you think I didn't realise? The reason I'm back on this thread is that I wanted to tell readers who had helped me through this before what happened and asking advice on whether I should embark on a FWB relationship or not. Your post just there would have been suitable to the situation I was in a couple of weeks ago where I wasn't sure if he was into me or not. Thats not what I'm talking about at present.

[Sweeetie]

Sweetie, you're being very smart here. I have to give this guy credit; he's not lying to you. However, you don't want the same things, and that is the number one reason why you shouldn't proceed with a FWB situation. You will get more and more attached, while his feelings won't shift. I know it hurts now, but it will hurt so much more if you get involved in an uneven relationship. If this man didn't know how to treat you on a proper date, then imagine how poorly he would treat you as a FWB.

 

Once you find someone else, you will forget this guy!

 

You're absolutely right. He is absolutely certain that that's all he wants. During the discussion we were having about it he said "So you're totally OK with the idea of having some sex, and understand that it's not to go anywhere?" That's when I said I would let him know because I had never slept with a guy who was not my boyfriend. The last part of his sentence sounded so harsh, "it's not to go anywhere", as if he was giving me a command or something.

Edited February 24, 2013 by Sweeetie

[Apolodor]

Unlike other posters, I understand your need for closure. You developed a crush on this guy and you really want to consummate your relationship. Just text him and see if he answers. If he doesn't, just take that as your closure (you won't look desperate by contacting him because a few days have passed since you last saw him). However, you must keep in mind what others have said above: he might have several girls on rotation and you might end up like just another f*** in his diary.

[Sweeetie]

Unlike other posters, I understand your need for closure. You developed a crush on this guy and you really want to consummate your relationship. Just text him and see if he answers. If he doesn't, just take that as your closure (you won't look desperate by contacting him because a few days have passed since you last saw him). However, you must keep in mind what others have said above: he might have several girls on rotation and you might end up like just another f*** in his diary.

 

Thanks, yes I needed closure but no my intention was not to consummate because I didn't want to develop a feeling of attachment for when he goes away after that. The problem is that now he wants to be friends with benefits; after 2 weeks of not hearing from him I contacted him and he told me that he doesn't want a relationship anymore but that he now wants to be friends with benefits.

 

And I'd like to hear more views of that from members here. It is something I have never done before and I am worried that it will destroy me, I will get more and more attached to him and fond of him due to sharing something so special and intimate with him but he won't look at it like that. I will yearn for his care and for him to like me as more than a f*ck buddy but that is something I will never get from him.

 

There is just a little stupid part of me that doesnt want to let go of him.

Edited February 24, 2013 by Sweeetie

[SmileFace]

This one takes the cake.

Seriously?

He can't get over your looks?

[Eternal Sunshine]

This thread makes me very sad

[Apolodor]

Well, in this case you'd be much better off forgetting about this creep. Friends with benefits?! Wtf! You seem to be interested in an exclusive romantic relationship, in which case my suggestion is off. Maybe the right guy is just around the corner, don't jeopardize your chances with him by entering into a promiscuous relationship. Most serial f***ers are smooth operators, don't be deceited by what they say. Actions speak louder than words.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This is why contacting him was a bad idea. Closure comes from within anyway.

 

Now he sees how interested you are so he is bold enough to suggest FWB. Mind you FWB with JUST sex, no going out, and he highlighted that it's not gonna go anywhere. And you are entertaining this ridiculous arrangement

Personally, I think you are gonna say yes. You are in for much pain and misery, shattering of your self-esteem, wasting time that you could be using to meet other men...

 

Have you not contacted him at all, read his obvious silence as lack of interest, none of this would have happened.

[SmileFace]

This is why contacting him was a bad idea. Closure comes from within anyway.

 

Now he sees how interested you are so he is bold enough to suggest FWB. Mind you FWB with JUST sex, no going out, and he highlighted that it's not gonna go anywhere. And you are entertaining this ridiculous arrangement

Personally, I think you are gonna say yes. You are in for much pain and misery, shattering of your self-esteem, wasting time that you could be using to meet other men...

 

Have you not contacted him at all, read his obvious silence as lack of interest, none of this would have happened.

 

Plus she is twisting this in a way to make him seem noble.

Well, he doesn't want to hurt me.

 

Girl you are too far in. Do yourself a favor and back the hell off.

He isn't going to do you any good.

 

The I didn't contact you since you didn't contact me is bull **** and we all know it.

[Sweeetie]

This is why contacting him was a bad idea. Closure comes from within anyway.

 

Now he sees how interested you are so he is bold enough to suggest FWB. Mind you FWB with JUST sex, no going out, and he highlighted that it's not gonna go anywhere. And you are entertaining this ridiculous arrangement

Personally, I think you are gonna say yes. You are in for much pain and misery, shattering of your self-esteem, wasting time that you could be using to meet other men...

 

Have you not contacted him at all, read his obvious silence as lack of interest, none of this would have happened.

 

You are right. But I wanted to contact him to check that it wasn't something I had said/done that made him run, and I don't regret doing so. And I think he is losing interest now to be honest; the last couple of days I've been asking him so many questions about the FWB arrangement because I was so new to it and wanted to be sure I knew exactly what he wanted out of it, including how exclusive it would be, he wasn't taking my questions too seriously because his replies were always very late and indifferent and I got a little mad at him for that. He is now saying it's probably best to not do it because we are "too different". If he sticks to that decision it would be my saviour, knowing me I would find it hard to say no myself.

Edited February 24, 2013 by Sweeetie