shana611 Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 1 1/2 yrs. I found out in May that he had been cheating for about 3 months. After I found out, he BEGGED me not to make him leave. He swears that he loves me and it "will never happen again" -- blah, blah, blah. I know those are the famous last words of a cheater that has been caught. Well, I didn't make him leave. I thought I could try to get past it because only for the simple fact that I know that in the beginning, I did sort of push him away a lot of times. I'm just one of those people who has a hard time falling "in love". But by time I realized that I was in love with him, he was cheating. I just wish he would have at least told me that he had found someone else because at least then I could still respect him for being honest. I was there when he told the girl that he had messed up and that I was the one that he loved. I know, my knight in shining armor--yeah, right. Anyway, I was really hurt in the beginning but now that hurt has turned to extreme anger and hate. Sometimes I can't even stand to look at him because I think about the lies and deceit. Our sex life never suffered. I can't get past the times that he had sex with me and would go be with her and vice versa. One time I remember he came home from work (a little late) and wanted to have sex right away. I told him then that he smelled like another woman. He told me I was crazy. The thing is--besides this incident--he is a good man. I know that sounds ridiculous. He has a good heart and is a could make a good family man. Is there any possibility that I could get that love back for him or am I wasting more time?? I have told him a couple of times this past week that I think we need to break up or at least have some time apart. He gets mad at first and then starts to cry and claims that he doesn't want to lose me. But I tell him that he wasn't afraid of losing me when he was banging the other woman. Anyway, someone please give advice. I know someone out there has been through the same thing. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 I feel that if you stay with him, you will be taking a big risk...a "good man" doesn't act like this...and I truly believe that if a man if a cheater once, he will always be a cheater...you would never be able to fully trust him and you would be walking on eggshells.... Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 I don't know in every situation...but I don't think once a cheater always a cheater. All relationships are different, it depends on the individual and their morals and how they are in general as a person. I do believe everyone makes A mistake not over and over but once! Only you can decide what's right for you but if it doesn't feel like he'll change or that he's really sorry or if you're still having "gut" feelings or signs pointing to the fact that he may still be cheating you should probably trust your gut. Link to post Share on other sites
Starsha23 Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 you know I don't really know what to day. I am a very jealous person...I posted my problem above. My bf and i broke up with each other and I had a new boyfriend whom I slept with a lot and had a few drunk hook ups with some old crushes and stuff and he had ONE hook up with a nasty skanky girl and I hate him for it!!!! Its hard enough to forgive something when i did worst. Now I couldnt Imagine him cheating on me!!!!!! I don't know how you could ever forgive him.....I guess its diff in every sit. But Iwill say this...its weird...he knew it was wrong, why did he do it for 3 months....it wasnt a drunk night one nigh stand...it was a relationship!!! Maybe he learnd and wont do it again...but I wouldnt take him back to easy...break up withhim and cut him loose. tell him he has to earn you back. I will saythat back in the daywhen I cheated on one of my boyfriends...even tho i loved him with all my heart. THe fact that he only found out bc I told him and that he took me back. I did it again and again and again...and he never foudnout about it. Even tho I loved him...there was something wrong....i didnt love him enough...bc I know that if someone were to do that to me, Iwould wanna die. Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 Exactly, it wasn't just a one time mistake...he did it over and over for 3 MONTHS! AND even worse, when you asked him (i.e. you smell like another woman), he denied it! Withholding information is lying too! Get rid of him and move on...sorry, but this is a recipe for disaster if you ask me! Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 Shana, unfortunately there is no way of ever knowing whether or not a person will cheat…for the second time OR the first time. You would be taking the same risk with someone who never cheated before, as there is always a first time for everything. The odds in the relationship game are the same, although I believe if someone has "justified" an affair once, they may be more likely to do it again. It depends on the person's emotional maturity, whether they learned from that experience and have reckoned with themselves that it was a bad decision that they would never make again…or whether they continue to sooth their guilt by offering up excuses and reasons rather than genuine regret. And sometimes regret doesn't come unless someone has suffered a negative consequence for their actions. Given that, I think the more important question to ask yourself is whether or not you are able to continue on in a relationship knowing this has happened. Is what you have together worth the second chance? Even if you knew for certain he would cheat again sometime down the road, would the time you spend with him between now and then be worth going through it all over again? Take some time to process your feelings and decide what's best for you and your own sanity and emotional well-being. If you find you are unable to put this behind you and move on, then exit gracefully knowing you gave it your best effort. Sometimes it's not nearly as important to figure out our partners as it is to figure out ourselves. Decide if Shana can remain committed to this relationship…not Shana's boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
ojibwaywmn Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 Originally posted by shana611 He gets mad at first and then starts to cry and claims that he doesn't want to lose me. But I tell him that he wasn't afraid of losing me when he was banging the other woman. that made me laugh. But I agree with Enigma, think of SHANA first before that cheating s-o-b. Link to post Share on other sites
Velveteel Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Many people have just the one affair and never cheat again. But I think that someone who was able to lie to you for three months has some serious thinking to do before he re-commits himself to you. And you have a lot of thinking (and healing) ahead of you, as well. Why does he think he needed the affair? And why did it persist for three months? He could be very attached to you but not really ready to settle down. Or he could have such a weak ego that he craved attention elsewhere. That's not a good sign. People change. But being faithful to your partner is about more than will power; it's about being truly content where you are, so you're not really distracted by a passing crush, and wouldn't dream of lying to your partner. It's about choosing to stay in one relationship and work on it, rather than ducking out when things get stale or difficult. You can recover from the affair if you really want to. Whether he can change himself is something only time can tell. Link to post Share on other sites
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