beliefs on marriage.. before and after the 'A'

[promises]

curious to know if any of your thoughts on marriage have changed since your affair?

 

Not the marriages of the AP's, but your individual thoughts on marriage.

[wisernow]

It's people I'm cynical about. I can't quite believe I went trough nearly 30 years without realizing most people are cruel and selfish. There are good people out there but they are hard to find. I spot them by the fact they are treated poorly.

 

Marriages are made up of people. So I think most marriages are exploitative and the trust is misplaced. I am glad to find the few exceptions, some of which have survived infidelity.

 

So you've had an affair?

[Pierre]

curious to know if any of your thoughts on marriage have changed since your affair?

 

Not the marriages of the AP's, but your individual thoughts on marriage.

 

Marriage will one day be obsolete and the union between men and women will be called something else.

 

Cheating on a GF is no different than cheating on a wife.

 

As of today marriage still means a greater degree of commitment to the relationship. Otherwise, why avoid marriage?

[Lillyfree]

There are good people out there but they are hard to find. I spot them by the fact they are treated poorly.

 

everyone that's treated poorly is by default a good person?

 

yeah, nah.

[Lillyfree]

completely agree with pierre.

marriage is an archaic institution.

[Fallen Petals]

My opinion has changed only in just how much sacrifice goes into staying married. I believe if staying is of a detriment to the point where it's going to cause the person to do self damage in order to survive or escape - then it's time to go. Face the fear. Starting over may be scary and may be difficult, but it's nothing like the pain that comes from A's - and that pain affects all involved, both AP's and the BS's.

[stevie_23]

Yes, somewhat. Maybe. I’m not sure. Lol.

 

My thoughts on marriage in general I don’t think have changed. I always kind of grouped people into categories within a marriage or long term relationship – those who stay married forever even if they feel they’re settling after a while. Those who literally stay in love and genuinely devoted forever. Those who get divorced for specific reasons (abuse, infidelity one or both parties cannot or will not stay together through, other major irreconcilable issues, significant life changes that mean the couple are not compatible and happy anymore). Those who get divorced because of the fact they are no longer in love and don’t want to or can’t settle. Those who stay in a marriage too long and cheat or treat their partner badly / lie. And then those who never get married and don’t believe in it, etc.

 

In terms of marriage itself technically, as in the piece of paper, the ceremony, etc. This is not vital for most couples to remain committed long term / forever. People still want it though, mostly, and some people do say that it makes the relationship seem more real and serious. I think it’s still relevant, even if over 50% do end in divorce.

 

This hasn’t changed since my A. What HAS changed is my view on my OWN “marriage” (same sex long term relationship). I surprised myself because I never thought I’d cheat. I have had to change categories for myself as a result.

[Silly_Girl]

I feel more strongly than ever about marriage (and relationships). After watching 2 people make an absolute mockery of theirs and show one another such blatant disrespect I feel utterly determined that my life (and the marriages of others in general) should never come close to that.

[Sarabi]

curious to know if any of your thoughts on marriage have changed since your affair?

 

Not the marriages of the AP's, but your individual thoughts on marriage.

 

Hmmmmm...

I would still like to get married...but I am trying to learn that it is a lot of work. It is not all rainbows and unicorns (I have an idealistic view of relationships, too much chick-lit...).

I definitely know that I thank my lucky stars I did not marry as early as some people I know and for that...I really have absolutely NOTHING to be jealous about(!)

Mistakes are costly; I do not want to cling to a man like a limpet just for the sake of being Mrs._____ or so that I am not by myself.

I know what I would NOT like my marriage to be like...(!)

 

but...I pray that when I am in a relationship or if ever I get married I will not think of myself as some kind of goddess or look down on single people and think what I have is so much better than what they have in life. I get the feeling that many people somehow think being married automatically makes you a better person...(it doesn't).

[Lillyfree]

care to elaborate on that remark, MFH?

 

i've been with my husband for over 15 years, married for 14. whether i married him or not, i would still view him as my life partner and any infidelity on my (or his) side is wrong regardless.

 

just going on what gets posted on these forums, a piece of paper won't stop people from straying. true commitment is within yourself and the relationship you have with your significant other.

[MissBee]

curious to know if any of your thoughts on marriage have changed since your affair?

 

Not the marriages of the AP's, but your individual thoughts on marriage.

 

Growing up with a philanderer as a dad has affected my attitude about marriage and unfortunately it's mostly subconscious. In that while I want to marry and think marriage can be great, I know I am subconsciously commitment phobic and scared of marriage because I learned from my parents that it is filled with drama, lies, infidelity or it's plain boring and tedious.

 

However, I know enough to be able to bracket my own FOO issues and marriage itself. I believe marriage can be a great thing and the positive of the A for me and even reading here is that I'm a lot more conscious of how marriage and relationships require a lot of emotional maturity and a host of other qualities that have to be actively cultivated and you don't simply marry because you're in love and hope for the best. I think having seen my parents, having my own experience and reading here doesn't make me jaded, so much as I feel I have more of a realistic handle on the pitfalls and mistakes that people fall into, and can approach a committed relationship with that awareness which is very helpful.

 

One thing I will say is, after reading here esp, not so much my own A, I have started to look twice at couples I see out and wonder who all is having an affair. I saw a man and woman on Saturday meeting up, while I was at Starbucks, that I'm certain were in an A.

[Sarabi]

As of today marriage still means a greater degree of commitment to the relationship. Otherwise, why avoid marriage?

 

Does it? Technically you don't even need to be in love to get married. You are standing at a table or an altar repeating what someone else is telling you to say...what about people who marry for papers/passports ? Where is the commitment? Apart from being committed to getting your stay in the country...

[underwater2010]

Nope...I still have the same thoughts. I love you and I took a vow. If it is so bad you want to leave, then do it with respect. DO NOT CHEAT!!!

[Pierre]

Yes, somewhat. Maybe. I’m not sure. Lol.

 

My thoughts on marriage in general I don’t think have changed. I always kind of grouped people into categories within a marriage or long term relationship – those who stay married forever even if they feel they’re settling after a while. Those who literally stay in love and genuinely devoted forever. Those who get divorced for specific reasons (abuse, infidelity one or both parties cannot or will not stay together through, other major irreconcilable issues, significant life changes that mean the couple are not compatible and happy anymore). Those who get divorced because of the fact they are no longer in love and don’t want to or can’t settle. Those who stay in a marriage too long and cheat or treat their partner badly / lie. And then those who never get married and don’t believe in it, etc.

 

In terms of marriage itself technically, as in the piece of paper, the ceremony, etc. This is not vital for most couples to remain committed long term / forever. People still want it though, mostly, and some people do say that it makes the relationship seem more real and serious. I think it’s still relevant, even if over 50% do end in divorce.

 

This hasn’t changed since my A. What HAS changed is my view on my OWN “marriage” (same sex long term relationship). I surprised myself because I never thought I’d cheat. I have had to change categories for myself as a result.

 

I agree with your post, but I want to expand on the bold part.

 

Marriage may be archaic, but those that are not fully committed avoid it like the plague.

 

Commitment is not improved by marriage, but those that get married seem more committed and hence do not fear marriage.

 

If the piece of paper is meaningless why avoid it?

 

Why do gays want it so badly?

[Sarabi]

true commitment is within yourself and the relationship you have with your significant other.

 

I agree with this

[promises]

I have a much different view on marriage than I did, say, 10 years ago.

 

Much different.

 

I honestly don't know if I'll marry at this point.

[stevie_23]

I still want to marry.

 

My views might be a bit skewed because I’ve only been in lesbian relationships before my LDR / A with my ex-MM over the past 2 years. So I never had the OPTION of really getting properly married. I never was one of those little girls who dreamed of and planned their fairytale wedding though, so it didn’t worry me that I couldn’t get married.

 

I remember for the first 3 years of my relationship with my partner, I would’ve been thrilled to marry her. But now…almost 12 years later…I don’t know what I’d do if gay marriage became legal and she asked me. I’d feel…worried. I do love her, but…*sigh*

 

I would’ve married my ex-MM. We wanted to do this one day. Who the hell knows what would’ve happened if we had. Lol.

 

For me, the time I most want to be married is when I’m madly in love with someone. Which tends to happen early in the relationship. The first few years. Maybe it’d be a mistake for me to ever get married, because then if I become unhappy and dissatisfied after that initial feeling fades, what do I do? (cheat, obviously)

[promises]

that's just it. The feelings do fade and come back and fade in all relationships. For me, it's even harder to justify marriage without children on the horizon. I would have to marry Mr. Amazing to spend all my years with just he and I to look at.

[stevie_23]

Before my A, I NEVER EVER thought I'd ever experience the fading of those in love feelings.

 

My partner is only the 2nd relationship I've ever had. I was with my ex partner from age 18-22, then 3 months after she dumped me I met my current partner.

 

I have never been the dumper in a relationship. I never had a CHANCE to fall out of love except for my current partner. I really thought if anything, SHE would be the one to get bored with me and end things eventually.

 

So it's quite hard to realise...is this my "pattern" now? Fall in love...roller coaster ride of intensity and passion...then it settles down and I've got a few good years in me before it fades? That sucks.

[Pierre]

I disagree. I've been cheated on as a GF and a wife, and I promise you that being a wife was much much worse. I married this man because he had my heart, as a GF I wasn't quite as invested.

 

 

Actually, i agree with you. A GF with no kids or long term history has little to lose. However, I was talking about the cheater.

 

Some cheaters cheat during the early courting days right up to the wedding date. Those cheaters are worse than the ones that cheat 20 years after the wedding.

[Pierre]

Before my A, I NEVER EVER thought I'd ever experience the fading of those in love feelings.

 

My partner is only the 2nd relationship I've ever had. I was with my ex partner from age 18-22, then 3 months after she dumped me I met my current partner.

 

I have never been the dumper in a relationship. I never had a CHANCE to fall out of love except for my current partner. I really thought if anything, SHE would be the one to get bored with me and end things eventually.

 

So it's quite hard to realise...is this my "pattern" now? Fall in love...roller coaster ride of intensity and passion...then it settles down and I've got a few good years in me before it fades? That sucks.

 

Stevie:

 

It is easy to make you fall in love. For some people falling in love is all about "emotional needs". Your Internet guy knew how to meet your emotional needs. Your partner does not know how to meet your emotional needs.

 

Folks that have a strong yearn for certain emotional needs will fall out of love if the needs are not met.

[stevie_23]

When you say my partner does not know how to meet my emotional needs, what would you say about the fact that for 6-7 years she DID meet them? She hasn’t changed in that way. She’s not stopped doing anything or suddenly doesn’t know how to meet my emotional needs.

 

She doesn’t know how to meet them because my emotional needs have changed over the last several years. How can she know how to meet them if she doesn’t know they’ve changed because I haven’t told her, because up until 2 years ago I didn’t even REALISE they’d changed?

 

So the question I have is – why DID my emotional needs change?

[Pierre]

When you say my partner does not know how to meet my emotional needs, what would you say about the fact that for 6-7 years she DID meet them? She hasn’t changed in that way. She’s not stopped doing anything or suddenly doesn’t know how to meet my emotional needs.

 

She doesn’t know how to meet them because my emotional needs have changed over the last several years. How can she know how to meet them if she doesn’t know they’ve changed because I haven’t told her, because up until 2 years ago I didn’t even REALISE they’d changed?

 

So the question I have is – why DID my emotional needs change?

 

Stevie:

 

At the onset the attraction may have a biological drive to fuel the attraction. But we all know that fades with time. To keep the flame burning the partners need to met each other's Emotional Needs.

 

Yes, the ENs may change as you mature.

 

It is a pity you did not bother to inform your partner about your ENs.

[stevie_23]

Yes, it is a pity, isn’t it?

 

It’s a pity I didn’t realise the needs had changed until I was already in love with my ex-MM.

 

And now, I don’t even know what those needs are anymore. When I think about it and try to work it all out, all I feel is confusion.

[LFH]

I think that people can have wonderful and beautiful marriages, but they both have to really want it, and never give up on it.

 

I'd never marry again at this point for my own reasons, but not because I don't believe in marriage.

 

I think with the way people treat relationships now, as a toss away, cheap valueless commodity that marriage isn't nearly as meaningful as it may have been in the past, and I also think that's rather sad.

 

I will, very tongue in cheek, tell people when they ask if I believe in marriage, that of course I believe in marriage.. my boyfriend's married...

 

But honestly, as cynical as I am, I really do believe that there are good marriages out there, I just happen to think that they are few and far between.