beliefs on marriage.. before and after the 'A'

[Got it]

stevie - what I found is a dday will show you a lot of where a person is mentally/emotionally at and what their actions are going to be. So for me a dday would be the end and whatever happened after that would be up to his very swift actions. I had no desire to actively hide things if/when she found out and be a part of any further deception, potential gaslighting, etc. The affair was a band aid, a short term solution, for his resolution of financial and other concerns to move to divorce. So if a dday happened, and it did, I was done. I was not going to be part of a long term arrangement because then it would have been, in my eyes, what was best for him regardless of everyone else.

 

This isn't the same for everyone, there are people that have left after many ddays, after many years, but I do think that if one stays after a dday, it is clear that for the foreseeable future, they are where they want to be.

[stevie_23]

stevie - what I found is a dday will show you a lot of where a person is mentally/emotionally at and what their actions are going to be. So for me a dday would be the end and whatever happened after that would be up to his very swift actions. I had no desire to actively hide things if/when she found out and be a part of any further deception, potential gaslighting, etc. The affair was a band aid, a short term solution, for his resolution of financial and other concerns to move to divorce. So if a dday happened, and it did, I was done. I was not going to be part of a long term arrangement because then it would have been, in my eyes, what was best for him regardless of everyone else.

 

This isn't the same for everyone, there are people that have left after many ddays, after many years, but I do think that if one stays after a dday, it is clear that for the foreseeable future, they are where they want to be.

 

Hmm. Yes. I can understand how a D-day would be seen as the end of the first phase of the relationship, which is at that point an affair…secret, hidden, etc. After D-day, everything’s open and choices are made. Final ones. That either end the marriage or end the affair.

 

But with my situation, our first D-day was early on. We had been together for a few months online and his wife hacked into the place we used to send our very early messages to each other. Nothing was even said that hinted at anything romantic and he told her I was gay (because I was…or thought I was, and had thought since I was 18 years old or younger), and that he had no real friends so found it a good emotional outlet to talk to me about his feelings.

 

The next D-day was 6 months or so after the first one, when we’d started sending a billion texts. She found out about his excessive texting and became very upset and worried. He told her he wouldn’t do it anymore and that we were still just friends but he was living with some escapism.

 

See…the first D-day we hadn’t been together very long and although he wasn’t happy in his situation, it wasn’t like he was even close to ready to disrupt his life and stability and leave. That didn’t seem necessary either because nothing she found out was very meaningful. WE were very serious by then, but she didn’t know that…*sigh*

 

The second D-day he had no money in order to make the move out of that house. That was probably the point that he came closest to actually leaving though. He almost did it despite not having anywhere to go.

 

The third D-day happened a year later almost, and I think he may have intended to leave me then but he never quite did, and then we got back into our normal routine and feelings again. Lots of things had changed for him since the last D-day and now he was married and stuck there because of financial and health reasons, so…no leaving her. And he didn’t want to leave me…

 

But it got too hard, so after the fourth D-day 3-4 months later, he did leave. Yep.

[Got it]

Hmm. Yes. I can understand how a D-day would be seen as the end of the first phase of the relationship, which is at that point an affair…secret, hidden, etc. After D-day, everything’s open and choices are made. Final ones. That either end the marriage or end the affair.

 

But with my situation, our first D-day was early on. We had been together for a few months online and his wife hacked into the place we used to send our very early messages to each other. Nothing was even said that hinted at anything romantic and he told her I was gay (because I was…or thought I was, and had thought since I was 18 years old or younger), and that he had no real friends so found it a good emotional outlet to talk to me about his feelings.

 

The next D-day was 6 months or so after the first one, when we’d started sending a billion texts. She found out about his excessive texting and became very upset and worried. He told her he wouldn’t do it anymore and that we were still just friends but he was living with some escapism.

 

See…the first D-day we hadn’t been together very long and although he wasn’t happy in his situation, it wasn’t like he was even close to ready to disrupt his life and stability and leave. That didn’t seem necessary either because nothing she found out was very meaningful. WE were very serious by then, but she didn’t know that…*sigh*

 

The second D-day he had no money in order to make the move out of that house. That was probably the point that he came closest to actually leaving though. He almost did it despite not having anywhere to go.

 

The third D-day happened a year later almost, and I think he may have intended to leave me then but he never quite did, and then we got back into our normal routine and feelings again. Lots of things had changed for him since the last D-day and now he was married and stuck there because of financial and health reasons, so…no leaving her. And he didn’t want to leave me…

 

But it got too hard, so after the fourth D-day 3-4 months later, he did leave. Yep.

 

I disagree everything is out in the open after a dday. Continuing a relationship after a dday means it has gone underground or it becomes an open marriage. I am a bit confused by your statement there.

 

A dday can hit days, weeks, months or years into an affair. It doesn't mean that it is the beginning of a relationship. For myself, I saw a dday as a line in the sand that it was time to sh$t or get off the pot so to speak. I had no interest in what is necessary for the affair to continue after that as the plan was always for him to divorce and that seemed to be as good a time as ever. So for myself, if it had happened, days weeks or months in I would have seen it as the decision time regardless of our timeline.

 

For myself, the affair was an agreed upon short term bandaid. It was not a lifestyle that I wanted to maintain or have a significant other that wanted to maintain. If he did then that was his prerogative but I would have walked on. I saw it as he was extremely lucky to have me agree to being in an affair with him. That he needed to move heaven and earth to show me every day why this was worth my while and it was not to have any more constraints than was was absolutely required. So I met friends, had open access to him, overnights, etc. Whatever hurdles that had to be jumped was his baby to rock not mine.

 

We all walk our own paths.

[Toots]

curious to know if any of your thoughts on marriage have changed since your affair?

 

Not the marriages of the AP's, but your individual thoughts on marriage.

 

My thoughts have not changed. The affair confirmed my views on marriage.

[stevie_23]

I disagree everything is out in the open after a dday. Continuing a relationship after a dday means it has gone underground or it becomes an open marriage. I am a bit confused by your statement there.

 

A dday can hit days, weeks, months or years into an affair. It doesn't mean that it is the beginning of a relationship. For myself, I saw a dday as a line in the sand that it was time to sh$t or get off the pot so to speak. I had no interest in what is necessary for the affair to continue after that as the plan was always for him to divorce and that seemed to be as good a time as ever. So for myself, if it had happened, days weeks or months in I would have seen it as the decision time regardless of our timeline.

 

For myself, the affair was an agreed upon short term bandaid. It was not a lifestyle that I wanted to maintain or have a significant other that wanted to maintain. If he did then that was his prerogative but I would have walked on. I saw it as he was extremely lucky to have me agree to being in an affair with him. That he needed to move heaven and earth to show me every day why this was worth my while and it was not to have any more constraints than was was absolutely required. So I met friends, had open access to him, overnights, etc. Whatever hurdles that had to be jumped was his baby to rock not mine.

 

We all walk our own paths.

 

We were the same, to an extent. We didn’t intend to stay in our online / text affair forever. He was taking steps to leave his current situation and then once he had done that and we saw whether we would work in person, I would take my own steps so we could really be together.

 

It just didn’t work out like that though. The D-days kept coming while he was still trying to work things out so he could leave there and come here. After a while though, we did accept we wouldn’t be able to do that, so we agreed and settled on always being an online affair, which was a sad acceptance for us, but better than nothing (at that point).