olderwife Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 This is my first time posting to a forum. To be as brief as possible, last month my husband of 30 years came home and announced he wanted a divorce for "no real reason other than we have grown apart". He was not willing to work it out or get help. Three weeks later he moved in with a 36 year old and her two teenagers and is very happy. We have two grown children and grandchildren. He immediately introduced the other woman to our kids who readily accepted her in order to remain neutral. I arranged a meeting with her to make peace for the sake of our kids and I have done nothing to "get even" because I want to come out of this looking like a classy lady. Now he, his OW and her kids are socializing almost daily with my daughter and grandchildren. She is only 7 years older than my daughter. My time is spent sitting home crying over my broken heart. Our family was very close until all this happened. I am so lonely I have even had suicidal thoughts but realized it would hurt the kids and grandkids. I am trying to meet new friends like at singles brunches but it is hard after 30 years of having my husband as my best friend. What hurts the most is that he wouldn't even give us a chance to fix it. Yesterday my day was ruined when I found the anniversary card he had bought ( 2 weeks before he dumped me). He never gave it to me but the last verse said something about how he loved me when he said "I do" and would love me for the rest of his life. He is very tender when he comes to see me, hugging me closer than ever and kissing me good-bye and telling me he will always care for me. In case you are thinking it's a sexual thing, our sex life was active and great right up til the end. In fact, in a weak moment when he was at the house this week, we had clothes-ripping-off sex but I felt so used afterwards, I will never do it again. I just want to feel better again but every day brings a new heartbreak. Is there anyone out there going through a similar situation? Link to post Share on other sites
overseas2004 Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 I am happy to say that I am not going through a similar situation however I am so sorry for what you are going through. Can you try to search your thoughts now and try to remember.... are you sure that there were no signs that you marriage was falling apart before this? Are you sure there were no signs of an affair? It seems very hard for me to believe that if you were that close to your husband you would not sense that he was cheating, that he was getting distant, or that he was planning on leaving you. I think you may have ignored some of the signs. What you are describing as coming out of the blue is practically impossible. Sorry I don't mean to be mean in your time of pain. ITs just not possible. As for you being distraught, I totally understand your pain. What you are going through is very difficult. I am glad that you realize that suicide is not the answer to your pain. Please if you have any other thoughts like that you should seek the help of a friend or a professional. There are so many reasons besides your husband for you to live. As you mentioned, watching your grandchildren grow up is a huge one. Other reasons include your children. And since you are such a wonderful person I bet one of the reasons may be watching your bonehead husband grovel his way back to your marriage. Sixty years is a hard habit to break. He may have lost his mind to a younger woman for a while. But I cant see this as being a lasting decision. Him trying to have sex with you last week is a pretty good indication of his indecisiveness. The best thing that you can do is get him out of your life as much as possible right now. He needs to feel the fact that you are gone and unavailable to him. There is no need for you to be nice to him or to his new girlfriends. Being classy is fine but it does not have to include being nice to them. I would act as if they don't exist. I think that this is classy behavior also. Try to get out and keep as active as possible. This time is not going to be easy and I know its going to be tough for a long time. Usually people just want to curl up in their bed and cry all the time when stuff like that happens to them, I know I have. But the bottom line is that you are much better off when you are active. Just being somewhere else can take your mind off of it at least for a milisecond and that is worth it. Maybe you could take a vacation or something. It would be good for you to get away for awhile and change your environment. Keep in touch and if you need someone to talk to you can always PM me. I keep in touch with lots of people I have met here and we exchange gripes and advice. Good luck.... Link to post Share on other sites
MeanNewYorker Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 Originally posted by olderwife What hurts the most is that he wouldn't even give us a chance to fix it. He wants nothing to do with the marriage anymore. Even if you two did attempt to fix your issues, it's still not what he wants or feels and you can't control how a person feels about things. If he's set in his mind to stay seperated, nothing - other than him changing his mind - will bring him back. Good luck, you're time is gonna come, be strong Link to post Share on other sites
SARose61 Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 I really feel for what you are going through. A marriage that has lasted that many years, how could anyone just walk away from it. I wish I had the right words, the right advice. All I know is that no matter how difficult it gets, you cant let him have his cake and eat it too. I can only imagine how torn you must have felt after the sex you had and he must have gone back to her feeling like a real stud. I will tell you that after my ex and I separated, this was years ago, he found someone right away. He use to still come over and visit me and yes I gave in, just like you did. After a few months, I finally started dating again and he absolutely hated it. Tried to tell me that I needed to stay single and that he could <wink> take care of me that way too. I am remarried now also. At one point in time, I use to think there could not be anyone else out there that I could achieve happiness with. But I did, this marriage isn't perfect. But in my case it is 100 % better than the last. Give yourself time to heal. But one thing I would suggest is that you be dead honest with your children & grandchildren. I am not saying for you to tell them to treat your husbands new woman in an ugly manner. But do make sure that they understand how hurt you are by what has happened and how it is difficult for you to accept and see their relationship with this woman growing. Your feelings are important, and should be just as important to your children as his happiness with this woman. If they want to spend time with him & her it should not be at the expense of your emotional well being. You should not have to put up a tough exterior nor accept your presence if it is not what you want. Rose Link to post Share on other sites
Author olderwife Posted August 31, 2004 Author Share Posted August 31, 2004 I talked with an aquaintance last night who has been through the same thing. She made me realize that I was not to blame. I have been beating myself up all Summer with , " If only I had done this or that". Yes we obviously had troubles but I was truly unaware of them. I thought we were an old happily married couple. Life is made of the choices you make. He CHOSE to keep it to himself. He CHOSE to sneak lunches with her and confide in her. She CHOSE to interfere with our marriage by having lunches with a married man. She makes him feel young again and I can't compete with that. But I didn't do anything wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
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