My bf's temper is scary (I got pushed), to leave?

[Arabella8]

Now when I met him, he would tell me little about himself and just seem to only be interested in talking about the present. He would tell me ''I had some issues that I was dealing with at some point but I fixed them, don't want to talk about it yet''.

 

Our 3 year-old relationship has been ok until he one day mentions about accidentally pushing his sister downstairs as a way of trying to get her out of his way. I got concerned at this point but said he was been in counseling before.

 

Anyways here is our arguments: he seems to get slightly jealous if I were to have male friends while he can have female friend. I was inviting my male cousin cousin and his friend to social gathering over a couple days ago and he got upset (at the same time he was kinda drunk). This led to an argument (I don't really like being told what to do and not to do) started by him. Here is what happened:

 

When I then mentioned about how unfair it's him to have female friends while I can't have guy friends and all the things I haven't been ok with him about, he then says how he'll talk about it later and wants to leave. That's annoying; when someone is walking away and saying ''I'll talk about it later'' yet they started the argument in the first place.

 

I followed him and said how that was rude and how we're not done yet. He just keep saying he wants to leave. Again, I wasn't having that and blocked the exit door, then he is like ''Seriously I don't want to talk more, I want to leave'' and I said no, you started the argument. After some time he shoves me, though it wasn't hard I almost fell. I couldn't believe that. He started the argument, yelling and being unfair and then I get shoved.

 

So in return I kicked him in the you know where, to which it took him about 5 minutes or so to get up. Then he starts heading towards his car. I just wanted to talk to him and said how I reacted out of being scared. As I was trying to get in his car, he shoved me again (this time I fell down) and basically shut the door hard in front of my face. Then he drives off.

 

Now he has been calling me and trying to apologize for the other day. Then left a message saying ''Answer the phone, I know I wasn't in my best mood, we gotta talk''.

Edited February 12, 2013 by Arabella8

[Radu]

Yes, he was in the wrong, but quite frankly i blame you more.

And here is why.

 

From what you wrote, he had issues and tried to solve them. That's a plus in my book, beacause he admits to them.

His jealousy is a problem, and it is a double standard, his way of reacting of pushing you was also out of line and culpable [i don't blame him for the 2nd one as much].

 

On the other side here is what you did :

- you physically blocked the only exit ... if i were him i would also feel boxed in; that's not how grownups deal with their problems ... they talk and if one partner doesn't talk they don't do what you did

Mostly because in the case of women-men pushing and blocking, there is a double standard working against men.

If a women does it, it's not punishable but if a man does it, it's abuse and we can easily get to jail for it.

- you kicked him in the n*ts; do you have any ideea how much that hurts ?

Or that you can kill a guy by doing that ? [chinese guy was killed when a woman squashed his nuts in a parking lot for a parking space or something stupid like that]

The pain will make you faint and you can induce very very serious trauma.

Your reaction to his action was completely blown out of proportion.

- after kicking him in the n*ts and seeing how long it took him to recover, you continue harassing the guy [not saying right/wrong here ... i'm just pointing that you can't let it go], and you again go after him instead of letting it go and defusing the situation.

 

He does not sound like much of a catch, he sounds jealous, insecure, and he probably had anger problems.

But you are not right in this either, the fact that you blocked his entrance, kicked him in the n*ts, and went again after him means you have no option of calling yourself a victim and could be considered partial instigator [it started from his jealousy but you escalated].

 

Was it that hard to find a way to talk to him about it without nagging, and escalating ?

And if you can't do that, why are you still with him ?

 

Because he feels sorry for what he did and wants to apologize [and he knows he has a problem] there is a pretty strong possibility you will blameshift everything onto him.

You were also responsible for this debacle.

[Mina]

I agree with Radu on this. While yes his behavior is not excusable, but neither is yours and I agree in that you instigated this turn of events.

 

Your boyfriend recognizes he has some temper issues, and say he has made efforts to fix them. That alone means he's making/has made a concerted effort to fix himself. As someone who has been through those issues, I'll give some insight into what most likely was going through his head.

 

Him saying he didn't want to talk about the issue and wanted to leave is a clear sign he wants to avoid a tempered confrontation. Someone who knows they have a temper issue and tries to fix themselves knows it's better to walk away from an angry situation and come back to it with a clear head. Him saying:

''Seriously I don't want to talk more, I want to leave''

is not him just telling you to f*ck off, it him recognizing that nothing good with come from further arguing that that point where tempers are only going to rise even more.

 

You stopping him from leaving and calming down under minds an effort by him to keep in control, but blocking the exit exacerbates he situation. Simple Fight or Flight situation. He knows that things will only get worse, so he chooses Flight. You now corner him, and force him to physically move you to try and get out of the situation, or risk the situation getting further blown up.

 

As Radu stated, the woman-men double standard f*cks men over royally. You can claim abuse for something he did, but you still claim to be the "victim" even with kicking him the the groin. Which one causes the most pain and damage? But because he is a man it's "ok" to do that.

 

Despite being a piece of work himself, it was your actions that brought this conclusion of events.

[Arabella8]

Thank you for the replies. After thinking about it for a while and going over what happened, I kinda feel somewhat responsible. I guess that's why I didn't reported him. I did replied back afterall and he seemed in pain when I kicked him.

 

Anyways he had a long talk several hours ago, in which he expressed about how sorry he is for acting out the other day and how much he loves. He mentioned about seeking another counselor sometime next week.

 

Though he did stated about how a guy kicked him in his privates once during a fight and after he got up, he end up beating the hell out of the other guy and breaking his nose. He said something like ''You know, when you kicked me, I almost lost my mind. If it were some stranger, I would probably serve jail time. But it was you. I didn't want to hurt you because I love you. That's what kept me from hurting you.'' Then he said he forgave me for it but again was blaming himself for the argument and how he treated me in the past. I did apologized for my part too. At some point, I started feeling bad that he was blaming himself for everything while I wasn't really a victim.

 

We'll work this out. I do love my bf. I guess love conquers all.

[Radu]

 

We'll work this out. I do love my bf. I guess love conquers all.

 

Only if it's a great motivator for change and compromise.

 

I suggest you do some reading on anger management, and i suggest you start with Dale Carnegie's "How to make friends and influence people".

The book is old, and it's a form of sales book, but it's a book with a strong focus on how to remove arguments from life, and how to have understanding with your fellow human beings.

Even though it's closing in on 100yrs old, and in many ways i moved past it, i still come back to it often.

[geegirl]

He shoves you, you kick him in the nuts. Yes, his temper is quite the issue here.

[hppr]

How would you like it if he blocked the door so you couldn't leave, then punched you in the face when you tried to get out? IMHO you really screwed up.

 

Double standards - guys are more possessive than women, deal with it. Women don't care as much about their men cheating as they do if the guy totally leaves them. It's just how us humans are wired. Yeah, it isn't fair, but this is how people are.

 

Finally just because he did something to piss you off doesn't mean that you get to piss him off, or have the last word, or be meaner, or whatever. Someone has to be the bigger person, if nobody took a stand and did what was right for the sake of doing the right thing then the world would be a very bad place to live in.

[camsfight]

Now when I met him, he would tell me little about himself and just seem to only be interested in talking about the present. He would tell me ''I had some issues that I was dealing with at some point but I fixed them, don't want to talk about it yet''.

 

Our 3 year-old relationship has been ok until he one day mentions about accidentally pushing his sister downstairs as a way of trying to get her out of his way. I got concerned at this point but said he was been in counseling before.

 

Anyways here is our arguments: he seems to get slightly jealous if I were to have male friends while he can have female friend. I was inviting my male cousin cousin and his friend to social gathering over a couple days ago and he got upset (at the same time he was kinda drunk). This led to an argument (I don't really like being told what to do and not to do) started by him. Here is what happened:

 

When I then mentioned about how unfair it's him to have female friends while I can't have guy friends and all the things I haven't been ok with him about, he then says how he'll talk about it later and wants to leave. That's annoying; when someone is walking away and saying ''I'll talk about it later'' yet they started the argument in the first place.

 

I followed him and said how that was rude and how we're not done yet. He just keep saying he wants to leave. Again, I wasn't having that and blocked the exit door, then he is like ''Seriously I don't want to talk more, I want to leave'' and I said no, you started the argument. After some time he shoves me, though it wasn't hard I almost fell. I couldn't believe that. He started the argument, yelling and being unfair and then I get shoved.

 

So in return I kicked him in the you know where, to which it took him about 5 minutes or so to get up. Then he starts heading towards his car. I just wanted to talk to him and said how I reacted out of being scared. As I was trying to get in his car, he shoved me again (this time I fell down) and basically shut the door hard in front of my face. Then he drives off.

 

Now he has been calling me and trying to apologize for the other day. Then left a message saying ''Answer the phone, I know I wasn't in my best mood, we gotta talk''.

 

 

 

I have been in a couple of relationships that have seemed,to have us locking horns,and through study of psychology for years and helping a large amount of people,I can tell you this common thread that you two share,You both have been hurt in the past,he was prob, humiliated by a past girlfriend or other wise hurt by a woman he cared a great deal for starting at home with his sister ,and no doubt guided to him by his observance of his parents,(Dad possesive,MOM stuborn)so they would fight ,he learned it well till his only understanding on how things worked got him in some trouble,he knew this and walked away or as his counseler no doubt told him to do.

Y ou being ,obviously at some point in your younger years shown that your words did not mean anything,ignored perhaps and your self asteem hit hard and kept there,if you have had a real abusive childhood it could cause many issue's within you,your still fighting those,and you will NOT be ignored.

The common thread is always drawn to another like thread,two like typed of silk thread together a whole lot better than one of silk and one of leather,you both have to come to an understanding together that if he feels the uncontrolable rush of heat hit his face and he needs to get some space,girl you have to let him,it's his way of not repeating what has him so scared he has not been able to tell you in three years and I KNOW he thinks of it every day,so back up some on that point.

And please don't kick there if your in no danger, i being around this sort of problem allot,I have seen guy ruptur lose one or both and one bleed so bad internally he almost did not make it and he got kicked by a woman who thought he was some other guy,the way a dr explained it to me was if a woman wants to understand having her gutts wraped in thorns squeezed in a vice,drop ur overies outside your body then have someone kick you there,and while tring not to throw up humiliated and destroyed 6 woman stand there laughing at you,yes it is that bad and more than physical pain and danger,to a young man with a non hating ego,that can turn them into a very big hating ego,any way enough of that.

You are not a criminal here you were plainly upset at his leaving and could not gather the love you have for him to tilt your head and realize he should not have issue with this,and I see he is running,girl guys dont run from the one's they love unless for one reason,they are afraid they wont be able to stop the rage in their soul and they can bear the thought of hurting u,you being ignored in youth and perhaps overbearing so u could make sure you were heard, felt your pain come back that you were shown so well when younger,in one way or another,and u have yet to see that this is the reason you will rather risk getting hurt than being ignored,does not matter what started this fight,what matters is he did not ever think u would hurt him,and he did not know he was hurting you,your temper ,was lost and you had no control,and thats no put down that happens, but when it does,and you realise you have really hurt someone you care so much for,thats when that stuff that cause you to have this irrasionability really does not matter that much any more,and perhaps together,u can learn to give him that space so when he can he will open up and share this scared boy in there that fights so hard to be the strong man on the outside he thinks you always need to see.

Give youself a chance to let go of that so very angry little girl that is always wanting you to kick ur own ass when alone,(u dont like being ignored) perhaps thats when you face that mad girl,.

You to work together, learn to tell each other things you have never told anyone,That takes trust and confidence and it's going to take time,these things are a measure of ones self and not easily given by another, and when both ready,"TELL"I mean all of it and in doing this myself being raped by 3 teenage girls from the age of 2-5 years old I have told my wife this and everything else and she me,and we were so proud and in such a trusting love we held our heads proud saying all of it,there is nothing you can ever give another to show more love than the need you have to help and the moment he feels that hit him you two will be a changed couple.cause you will feel the same need he has for you to see he finally gets it.(yes as men we can get so wrapped up in our hearts,feeling pain and told by the world never to show it)Your the man of the house now be tough!

Girl,we really dont want to fight,from the people Ive been around when men have these anger problems,it's almost always cause they are scared and the ego the badass personality,all of it is worthless and when alone with no destractions they(like you) are in there kicking THEIR own asses cause of this weakness and they just know it's going to cause them to lose the woman they love,and girl,when a man thinks he is going to die tomorrow 99% of the time he will find a way to make it happen strickly out of fea,r instinks and blind hoplessness

Talk dont hurt,and for him,if your calm he has to Talk not run,but take it slow girl,crying little boys hidden inside men are very dangerous,and you already know the emotional pain you go through when no one else is around and you have nothing but the sound of your own heart beating in your ears,nothing to or that will distract you and ur left alone to face it all,and again you feel ignored,dont put on that wall and fight up a smile,stand for your convictions,stand up and look others in the eye and tell them why you are hurting,just with him,look him in the eye and show him you can see why he is.

I hope you two see all ur dreams come to pass and I hope this rather long letter finds u both well.and maybe just a little given some thought you might be able to see I do mean very well,I do understand how fights get to a non cognative bedlam,Just work with him to try to show him you want to take the best shot at ur future that you can with him,he is afraid to show weakness to you right now, so fairly soon you are going to have to give him the chance to hold you for your past pain,and in doing so he will gain a little self absolution,and he can start talking to you as a man that is worth it,you two take care,and no more hitting.OK.I really pray you both get something out of what Ive said here,Ive been right where you two are, "it can get better"

 

 

Cam.

[WhoreyBull]

Agreeing with Radu 100%...

You stuck around there and tried to talk to him after kicking his genitalia?

Just imagine if he'd done the same! Now tell me if you think you'd be in a talking mood.

Not trying to make you a criminal here, but it seems like there are indeed two anger problems coming into play here.

Edited April 18, 2013 by WhoreyBull

[todreaminblue]

Now when I met him, he would tell me little about himself and just seem to only be interested in talking about the present. He would tell me ''I had some issues that I was dealing with at some point but I fixed them, don't want to talk about it yet''.

 

Our 3 year-old relationship has been ok until he one day mentions about accidentally pushing his sister downstairs as a way of trying to get her out of his way. I got concerned at this point but said he was been in counseling before.

 

Anyways here is our arguments: he seems to get slightly jealous if I were to have male friends while he can have female friend. I was inviting my male cousin cousin and his friend to social gathering over a couple days ago and he got upset (at the same time he was kinda drunk). This led to an argument (I don't really like being told what to do and not to do) started by him. Here is what happened:

 

When I then mentioned about how unfair it's him to have female friends while I can't have guy friends and all the things I haven't been ok with him about, he then says how he'll talk about it later and wants to leave. That's annoying; when someone is walking away and saying ''I'll talk about it later'' yet they started the argument in the first place.

 

I followed him and said how that was rude and how we're not done yet. He just keep saying he wants to leave. Again, I wasn't having that and blocked the exit door, then he is like ''Seriously I don't want to talk more, I want to leave'' and I said no, you started the argument. After some time he shoves me, though it wasn't hard I almost fell. I couldn't believe that. He started the argument, yelling and being unfair and then I get shoved.

 

So in return I kicked him in the you know where, to which it took him about 5 minutes or so to get up. Then he starts heading towards his car. I just wanted to talk to him and said how I reacted out of being scared. As I was trying to get in his car, he shoved me again (this time I fell down) and basically shut the door hard in front of my face. Then he drives off.

 

Now he has been calling me and trying to apologize for the other day. Then left a message saying ''Answer the phone, I know I wasn't in my best mood, we gotta talk''.

 

 

i have learned the hard way to let men go when they want to leave.......because i have been beaten trying to stop a guy from leaving...another time i hid the keys for the car because he was drunk.....i would do that again.......if they are drunk let them walk away.....if they are the type to get into a car....hide the keys......and let them walk it off......stopping a guy from leaving is bridging up some guys have a strict moral code where they wouldnt touch you....if that guy is a drinker...throw the code he says he goes by, out the window and be prepared to defend yourself....fact...i also wouldnt suggest kicking a guy in the balls....this guy has major issues....his last phone call was slightly aggressive....you are in for some bruises if you stay and he continues to drink it up...deb