Apprehensive about future after BF cheated with ex GF

[struggletown]

My thoughts have been all over the place lately after my boyfriend of 4 years got obnoxioulsy drunk and told me to "f**k off, I'm staying at (ex girlfriends) place". Low and behold, instead of following me home as I would have thought, he stayed and didn't return until 6am.

Now this situation was not handled very well and there is a bit of a story, but I'm after some insight into what the hell I'm doing with my life. But I will say, we were having a good night, no fights etc. We have had a few stresses as we were about to build a house and I lost a sibling to cancer aswell as my family and boyfriend don't always get along.

BF and EX split up 4.5 years ago, but wanted to remain friends. BF asked me if I could try and let that happen and I agreed thinking it was going to a completely harmless friendship. I did express that I had my concerns and when you break up with someone it is near impossible to remain friends.

Well over the 4 years, these two have had a on/off flirt session everytime they meet up. I am always there, but it's like I don't exist when they talk. I have seen the ex kiss his earlobe, ask for clothes back, and when they talk they are always so very close to each other, practically whispering to each other and they spend ALL night talking about what they could have done better. I have cracked it over the years and demanded that he stop this rubbish. I had thought things had changed. Then in December just gone, what I feared, happened. He came home telling me "I think I did something wrong but can't remember". We was very remorseful and cried when he said he messaged her to find out what happened. I was hurt but I was grateful for his honesty. As the day went on talking about what we do from here, he fell asleep. We are open with our phones, so I had a peek to use the weather channel, but his messages were open and boy did he NOT tell me the truth. He knew exactly what he did and said he enjoyed himself. I was shattered.

Since this time I left him for a week but came back as he has such an intense love for me that he will actually threaten to burn my stuff because I make him so upset. So now I feel like I'm bullied back into my relationship with him.

I demanded that if he ever spoke/wrote/saw/waved/stood in the same room together - anything, that I would leave him. It took a while for the message to get through, because there was still a few messages being exchanged. But they way he went about getting rid of her was by saying mean things about me and that I was making him choose and that I was forcing him to do something he didn't want to do. This has stuck in the back of my mind ever since.

Yes, they are no longer talking, but seeing as he is an alocholic, which he is working on stopping, I have huge doubts that this will not stop and I don't think I can trust him when he goes on boys nights etc. He's friends know about and think him a fool for doing this to "the best thing in his life", the woman who has calmed him and helped make him a better person - of this, I'm now struggling with.

And now he wants to have kids with me and buy a house and this will encourage change in him. Fairly certain that is rubbish... but what if??

Do I give up on 4 years and all the things we have gone through, or see if he can actually become the respectable man I know is in there somewhere.

Edited February 12, 2013 by struggletown
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[ChessPieceFace]

... he inappropriately flirts with his ex (when you're there even), cheats on you, lies to you, acts like a psycho control freak threatening violence. If you don't run screaming from this guy it's all on you.

[Joaquin]

A real crap situation, but if I'm honest, I'd have more sympathy for you if you'd been totally blindsided by the guy.

 

He'd been acting the maggot with the ex for 4 years, you knew, and it seems you kept sweeping it under the carpet.

 

If I were you I'd call a spade a spade and not invest your efforts in him anymore. Time to move on!

Edited February 12, 2013 by Joaquin