Skalabanan Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Hi all, I'm back in my hour of need. Quick break down of what happened - together for four years - she breaks up with me, largely down to my lack of affection and commitment to our future. - we spend 3 months apart and then reconcile. - we have some really great times post reconciliation but things go sour at new year. - we decide to go slow again and build up slowly. In the end we ended up seeing each other very rarely, her priorities turned to her new career and her new circle of friends. I was massively accepting of it all, probably too patient and our relationship became pointless. Sunday night I told her that I wasn't happy and I needed more commitment and we needed to become more of a couple, I refrained months from saying this as obviously I wanted that progression to come along naturally. She said to loves me and wants us to work but she doesn't know if what she gives is good enough anymore. I told her to go away have some space and think about things, I won't contact her and I won't pressure her, ill also accept her decision fully. Have I made the right decision? I've made this decision without any advice and went with my gut, guess I just need some affirmation and someone to talk about it. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 "Breaks" achieve nothing, but splitting the relationship further apart. you're cleaning the area, applying ointment and changing and dressing the wounds, on a corpse. With every 'reconciliation' you guys had, you just kept building on ruins, and useless foundations. Why prolong the agony? Why pretend something is there when it clearly isn't? Tell her it's over, move on. (Why don't people listen to TaraMaiden when she says "Second chances rarely work...."....?) Link to post Share on other sites
Njeanne Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 (Why don't people listen to TaraMaiden when she says "Second chances rarely work...."....?) Because people don't treat the relationships as new ones, like you said they build it on the old one. Second chances only work in occassions where both have learned 100%, have worked on themselves during split and forget about the old relationship, while remembering the flaws and avoid them at all cost. That's why there needs to be enough time between the old and new one 3months+ so both can heal, evaluate and fix things. Regarding the OP, it's time to move on, that ship has sailed ages ago. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Njeanne Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 <<I wouldn't say second chances rarely work out. I'd say "second chances rarely happen for the right reasons". People come back because they are lonely, because they are frightened, because being out in the world alone makes you FORGET why the relationship failed in the first place and makes you want to climb back into it like a comfortable bed, etc. IF a second chance happens because of true love, remorse, and forgiveness, it will work. If it's for any other superficial reason, I agree that it is probably doomed to fail.>> Someone wrote this on a different thread on this forum, basically say's enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skalabanan Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 Thanks for the responses. None of the problems from the first time have caused issues this time round, it's more that her priorities seem to have changed. What harm can come from giving her space to decide what she wants, if she wants it over we go our separate ways, if not we keep trying to make things work. Am I wrong? Because what I'm doing feels right as it gives her the chance to make that decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Njeanne Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Yes, giving space and time is the best way, but if she comes around be careful because you already when through a lot in your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skalabanan Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 Yes, giving space and time is the best way, but if she comes around be careful because you already when through a lot in your relationship. Thanks for your response. I dreamt of the day she returned and when it happened I was so happy, the first couple of months were arguably the best of our relationship, but it turned sour and now I might let her go, unthinkable as I still love her but I've grown a tired man. Link to post Share on other sites
lovecutsrightthruu Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 (edited) Dear OP, I think you handled the situation in a very mature and brave way. My situation is very similar to yours. I just cut the cord and am going NC. I don't know if my way is better than yours though. On the face of it, you might think my approach is braver but I don't think it is. I didn't want to run the risk of being rejected so I took the initiative told her that I was not getting what I needed out of the relationship and headed for the hills. She didn't really have a chance to say 'she didn't want me' anymore which was my biggest fear. I felt like I took control of my own destiny by doing what I did (even though its a sh*tty one ). There's a small chance that she might have said that she wanted to work things out but I decided (for the sake of self preservation) to play the odds that she wouldn't. Basically, I cut my losses, saddled up my horse and left town. (I guess what I did was similar to a pre-emptive break-up). I think both your and my approach have their merits - Good luck with yours though. Edited February 14, 2013 by lovecutsrightthruu typo Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skalabanan Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 Hey, Hope all goes well with your situation? Mine spoke to me on Thursday (valentines day), said she loves me and wants this too work but needs more time to make sure, still has fears she can't commit enough, this is fine by me as I want her to have proper space and come to the correct decision, not a rushed one. She hasn't quite got the nack of space though, she text me to tell me she passed her work assessment yesterday and then insisted we should go out for food and cinema today liked we planned weeks ago, she feels it might clear the air! Do I go? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 Oh, yes, 'Mr Friend-zoned', I would! Tag along like a little puppy. Give her female ego the validation it needs and sit and beg at her every beck and call....! You don't get it, do you? If you keep seeing her, you give her no opportunity to miss you. You give her the opportunity to get used to you being a friend. You give her the opportunity of believing that you and she CAN be friends, so it lets her off the guilt-hook. She's using you. Trust me. She doesn't want a relationship with you, while you are so compliant in being a male buddy.... You need to cut this off completely and TELL her that you do not intend to hang on the periphery, waiting for her to make her mind up - and all the while taking advantage of your good nature and presence, to use for her own gratification. You need to tell her you are cutting off all contact, and that the only thing which will make you re-connect with her, is a message from her telling you she definitely wants to try again, and commit to being your GF. She's not the only one who hasn't got the knack of 'space' , is she...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skalabanan Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 The minute I posted that last message I awaited your blunt response I guess not every relationship/breakup is the same, your extreme NC may work perfectly for you and others but not always for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 No, I'm right. You really don't get it. Listen, and take this in. Really digest it, because it's FACT: If you stay within her 'friend' circle - that's all you'll ever be. You need to give her a wide berth to give her time to decide in what way she misses you. As a buddy - or as a BF. Until you fall off her radar, she has no opportunity to be able to think. Right now, you're way off being her hunk - you're on your way to simply becoming a habit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skalabanan Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 I do agree. But when she says meeting up will help clear things up, surely it's beneficial to hear what she says, either way? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 NO! She's dangling you on a string, don't you see that?? Seeing you clears nothing up, otherwise she would already be clear on things!! All she knows right now, is that you are easy company. All she has to do is suggest going anywhere with you, and hey presto! She has the escort she wants, without giving you anything in return! The only thing you WANT to hear from her, is "Yes, please let's try again, let's make this work, let's really give it a go!" All you ARE hearing from her, is "Let's hang out together like buddies, and just go out for the sake of going out!" All you're getting at the moment, is suggestions of companionship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skalabanan Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 Okay cool. We shall see how this pans out. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 WTF does that mean.....?! Oh... You're going to take her up on the offer aren't you? Why post for advice when you're going to do what the hell you want anyway? You're going to go running along like the besotted little puppy, and dance to her tune, and jump when she says jump... because you keep hoping.... FML, don't waste my time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skalabanan Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 Tara you've got to accept not everyone will agree with you sometimes. I've taken your advice on board more than anyone's actually and it has opened my eyes to a lot, so I thank you for that. But sometimes you go with your gut no matter how much advice you get, I feel you reaction is pretty unwarranted. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 Do me a big favour: When you see her next, actually ask her, outright: "How close are you to being able to tell me where we're going with this? Tell me whether you honestly believe we have a dating future - soon - or whether you want to carry on like this, for a while? And if so, how long do you think a while will be?" Put her on the spot - because up to now, she's being calling the tune. Take charge, just for once, and see what happens. Then, come back and let me know what happened. Deal? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skalabanan Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 I can agree to that, I must admit I do want some level of power back. Can you answer one question for me though Tara. Why does she keep hanging on and coming back? When she dumped me, she could've went off and lived the life she wanted and never have seen me again, but she returned (without me really pushing for it) Now I've given her an escape clause to again live this "single" life and ill leave her be and move on but she still seems hesitant. Is it simply because I allow her back or do you think her mentality towards "us" changes regularly? Or something else... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 I can agree to that, I must admit I do want some level of power back. Can you answer one question for me though Tara. Why does she keep hanging on and coming back? When she dumped me, she could've went off and lived the life she wanted and never have seen me again, but she returned (without me really pushing for it) Now I've given her an escape clause to again live this "single" life and ill leave her be and move on but she still seems hesitant. Is it simply because I allow her back or do you think her mentality towards "us" changes regularly? Or something else... Yup, sorry hun - but you really DON'T get it.... You give her the opportunity to get used to you being a friend. You give her the opportunity of believing that you and she CAN be friends, so it lets her off the guilt-hook. She's using you. Trust me. She doesn't want a relationship with you, while you are so compliant in being a male buddy.... You are convenient. The thing is, she maintains contact with you, because it's a way of relieving her guilt at dumping you. She's in contact with you, because it makes her feel good, it makes her feel better about ending it. And if you're willing to carry on being her BMF, then you can't really be that hurt, can you? I mean, friendship must suit you, because you're so happy to go along with it, so that's ok then.... If the Dumper insists on continuing to see you as a friend after they've brought the relationship to a halt, it's because it suits them to have you there as a convenient leaning post. Please, please read the No Contact Guide THREAD. ALL. OF. IT. Then maybe you'll see it's not just me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skalabanan Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 I thought I'd update you Tara We decided to meet up yesterday, went for a meal/cinema and as we always do we had a great time, the time we spend together is never an issue. Her reasoning for the meet up was to "clear the air", I know her well and she was never going to bring up our situation. Got to the end of the evening and she dropped me at my place so we had the "chat". She didn't want to chat for starters and was immediately visibly upset without my saying anything. I've come out of this so confused it hurts my head just thinking. - She said the last week of NC was hell and all she wanted to do all week was speak to me and see me. - She loves me as much as ever. - She knows that this is last chance saloon for us and is scared that she will lose not only her best friend but her lover forever (I explained the way she's acting now she's losing me for good anyway). - She has huge concerns about whether she can commit as much as I want. - She knows things have to change between us for it too work. - She wants space to think still and then fully commit or not. In the chat she said almost everything I'd want to hear, I don't know how you can be scared of losing me forever yet have fears over committing to us, the contradictions throughout her talk was worrying. I could have tied her in knots all day but in the end I began to feel quite sorry for her as she clearly has no idea of what she wants anymore. I told her that I will give her all the space she needs as I don't want to rush this and want it to be want she wants completely, no more half hearted attempts at us working on this. I told her she won't hear from me and to talk to me once she's made a decision, the dates and meet ups are over and she doesn't get the benefits of my company anymore until she has a clear mind because it isn't fair on me. Anyone as confused as me? Tara help! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skalabanan Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 I may add, she text me when she got home the following.... I'm home, I'm sorry, I know that's not what you wanted to hear, I need to get my head straight and sort out my insecurities, I know I've pushed you away and I need to stop ****ing up! I really do love you and regardless your my best friend...x Link to post Share on other sites
na49 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 regardless your my best friend I haven't read your whole thread and I'm not Tara so bare with me. This sounds like friend zone to me. Also she can love you but not be in love with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skalabanan Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 I didn't bold that part of the text but when I got it the rest of the text seemed irrelevant, all I could think of was the best friend bit. Admittedly she's told me throughout our five years together that I'm her best friend, but its not what I care to hear right now. If she tells me I'm her friend not her lover then I'm gone, simples. I told her outright that I will not be her friend if we go our separate ways, years down the line when feelings are gone maybe, not no chance in hell now. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I think you did exactly the right thing in telling her you were going No Contact until she made her mind up... And then she goes and does precisely the wrong thing, and texts you - even though you made it clear you're going No Contact. EVEN THOUGH THIS MAY NOT BE THE CASE - You need to paint her "in a bad light". You need to understand that she is blocking your life from moving forwards. She's not sure she wants you - but the 'noises' she's making keep you stuck in 'single just for you' mode. This is grossly unfair on you.... Proceed with, and maintain your plan. Go NC now. But do it right. Please, please - do it right. For your own sake..... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts