vitaminD Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Hi all Wondering if you could maybe share some insight, ideally from men but grateful for all input. I think I already know it's my fault, but basically I was seeing this guy I met at about a year and a half ago. When we met he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend, but he was always polite and charming. This August he text me regarding a website he was setting up and asked for my input (I work in a similar industry) We went for a drink and ended up in this private bar place from like 3pm - 12am, got involved in a quiz and all sorts! He would respond to messages after 20 minutes etc and we arranged to meet up again. Again perfect gentleman. I was going away a few days later and he text me when I was away asking me to bring him back a pen as a gift. He started acting funny and taking ages to respond to my texts around November (I'm talking days) so I text him and said I was laying my cards on the table and that I like you but if you're not interested just let me know. He apologised and said that he works really late and has been very busy (which is true because a friend of mine works at the same firm and sometimes has to sleep at the office for three nights in a row). In mid-Jan we met up again and I ended up going back to his and we slept together. The next day he wanted to take me for lunch but I had plans already. Since then the communication has gotten less and less so I text and was asked do you have a girlfriend, I feel like you're hiding me etc. To which he responded that he wasn't looking for anything serious and he doesn't think he's done anything to lead me to believe otherwise. I said to him 'well you constantly talk about restaurants we should go to and invited me to some event in the Summer, that's enough to lead me to believe you'll still be around in 6 months time' (whether I believe what he was saying or not, he still said it). I'm fully aware now that he was just using me, and there were signs there that I just ignored. But am I crazy for thinking that he did lead me on?! We didn't sleep together for three months so it's not like I jumped into bed with him! I'm resisting the urge to text him all sorts of abuse because I'm better than that. However my last message to him was a lot milder than I think he deserves! Why do men do this?! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Because thy can. To women, generalising hugely, sex = some kind of emotional connect. To men, generalising hugely, sex = sex. You read far more into this than he ever wrote. I hate to say it, but you really should have established far more solid boundaries. He doesn't deserve the abuse - WYSIWYG. You as much opened your legs for him, as he obliged, for you.... Are you still with your BF? If you are, how would he feel about your sleeping around/ONS? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author vitaminD Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 oh God no, we split up last year, forgot to mention, as did he with his girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Well, okay... in a nutshell, I think this guy went FWB with you, except that you assumed it would be something more. There's nothing wrong with a bit of good ol' FWB-ing.... providing you are both clear on it, and you're both happy to maintain those boundaries. Communication is the key and it was obviously missing here. And too many times - far, far too many times - on this forum, we've had posts from both genders wanting more from their FWB's - even if they knew precisely that this is what it was. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author vitaminD Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 To be honest I entered this thing with FWB thoughts too... it was just his constant texts of let's go here let's go there, planning things in the Summer that caught me off guard. Lesson learnt but I still think he's a douche! As a second question, how are you supposed to set clear boundaries from the start without sounding to clingy??? I was speaking to my friend and said, I'd like to know from the get go as in first date if a guy wants a relationship or FWB situation, but I wouldn't want to scare him away by him thinking I already want to pin him down, when I don't! I'd just like to know. Link to post Share on other sites
kamani Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 I don't think he wanted anything more than sex. Taking you to the restaurants was also a part of FWB situation. He knows you wanted more, but he is not ready for that. As you say, you have been used but you pushed yourself to this situation. I don't say he is right but the responsibility is more with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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