My compulsion to cheat

[Misterxx]

I am a man in my twenties and I have been in a relationship for about three years. I love my girlfriend dearly, I love everything about her, and she is the most loving and caring person I have ever met. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me so far in my life. Our sex life is really good and I have never consciously missed anything in it.

 

For more than a year now, I have been fantasizing about cheating on my girlfriend and this obsession has gotten worse over time. I have secretly been seeking contact with women, which has given me plenty of opportunities to cheat on my girlfriend already. I have never followed up with it (although several times I almost did), but recently I have come very close. I met a girl and I told her that I had a girlfriend. She was fine with it, and also with the idea of me cheating with her. We ended up rubbing on each other a lot, and she really wanted to proceed with sex. I touched her naked body pretty much all over, except her vagina, but I managed to restrain myself from kissing her (on the mouth) or having sex with her. I worked really hard for it, because I knew I would regret it really badly afterwards, as somewhere deep inside me I just want to stay true to my girlfriend.

 

On one hand I am proud of myself that I did not kiss her or had sex with her, since this girl was trying everything to make that happen. On the other hand I feel like I already cheated on my girlfriend a little bit by seeking contact with other women, and by meeting this girl, and let her seduce me naked.

 

I do not understand where my compulsion to cheat comes from, as I clearly object to it morally, and I think it would only destroy me. I don’t think I could ever live with the guilt after I actually cheated on my girlfriend with kissing and sex. The reason I say this is because I have once cheated on a former girlfriend with kissing when I was younger. I could not live with the guilt, and immediately told her after the event.

 

Do you think that I cheated on my girlfriend that last time? And more importantly, what are your thoughts on my compulsion to cheat on my girlfriend?

[man_in_the_box]

... Ofcourse you cheated. You rubbed her naked body everywhere.

 

I think you're just not ready for a relationship at all.

[Sav]

You already cheated emotionally a looooong time ago and now yes, you have cheated physically as well.

 

I do admire your willpower in controlling your urge to a certain extent but that doesn't change the fact that you cheated. I suggest spicing up your relationship with your gf and trying out new things. Do not fall into a boring routine which might make any of you take each other for granted.

 

Treat this as a new relationship everyday. Mix it up a little. Fall in love everyday. Since you kept emphasizing the fact that you do indeed love her, then try to make it work and stop contacting other women for the sole purpose of hooking up.

 

A little willpower goes a long way buddy. If you still can't keep it in your pants, then break up

[sunbeach200]

You are a cheat full stop. It turns you on. You will carrying on cheating and maybe stop one day. But I see you hurting someone you really care for.

 

You should not be in a relationship. You like the security of it but you don't understand what commitment means.

[nofool4u]

more importantly, what are your thoughts on my compulsion to cheat on my girlfriend?

 

Honestly, that you don't deserve her. What would you say if you found out your gf was on a board such as this telling everyone that she loves you, but really wants to ride the huge member of another man she knows quite well, and gives another guy a hand job?

 

And yes, you cheated on her.

[ChessPieceFace]

Do you think that I cheated on my girlfriend that last time?

 

Technically no. But you violated the trust of the relationship. What would your GF think if she knew about it? That you have to now keep it from her shows the damage that you've done.

 

Can't imagine what you're thinking. You clearly know better and yet you've giving in to temptation which you know will be destructive to your relationship. You can either make a decision to be 100% faithful or live in the knowledge that eventually you will cheat and it will ruin everything. GL with that.

[veggirl]

chessPiece, you think him touching another woman's NAKED BODY all over is NOT cheating?!

 

OP yes you cheated, duh! you even have to ask that?

 

Is this your 1st gf or something? maybe you haven't had other experiences and now want them?

 

you don't love your gf, you might be attached to her emotionally but if you loved her you wouldn't desire other women like this. It's really screwed up that you have led her on for 1/3rd of your relationship like this. Poor girl, you should dump her for her own good because you are not relationship material. just be single if you want other girls so much!

 

ps: you clearly DO NOT morally object to cheating considering you have done it.

[Darren Steez]

Are you a masseuse? Then you didn't cheat.

 

If you're not a masseuse, you cheated!

[TaraMaiden]

Masseur = masculine.

Masseuse = Feminine.

 

Either way, I doubt it....

 

Monogamy is not for you, OP.

 

You're the kind of guy who can love, but can't NOT stray.

 

You need to sit and have a serious convo with your GF.

 

You need to tell her in a nutshell what you told us in post #1: How you feel about her, but that you are seriously and gravely tempted to have sex elsewhere too.

 

The choice then, is hers: Does she tolerate this, or does she leave?

 

My suspicion is that she will want to leave, but there are women out there prepared to contribute and be part of an 'open' relationship. But you too must consider how you would feel being with a GF who felt as you do, and wanted to act on it.

 

So how would that work for you?

[ChessPieceFace]

chessPiece, you think him touching another woman's NAKED BODY all over is NOT cheating?!

 

Semantics. Others in the thread used the phrase "cheated in your mind" which I have to just laugh at as impossibly restrictive and unavoidably hypocritical (since everyone will have impulses or thoughts they don't act on.) It shows people have different lines when it comes to what constitutes cheating, and some of them are over the top. I believe more in the idea that absolutes can be set in terms of definitions of words... I always thought of cheating as involving sex. No sex, no "cheating" in the strict sense of the word as I always understood it.

 

The rest of my message to the OP made it clear what my position is. He did terrible things behind his GF's back that threaten to wreck his relationship, he will already have to lie about what he's done which will already erode the trust in the relationship, and if he doesn't get his head right immediately his relationship will eventually be ruined. Because you apply the label "cheating" to it and I don't, is really just semantics.

 

Also, I'm tired of hearing women whining about double standards when it's not accurate. I would never do what the OP did nor do I condone it, nor could I see any difference in my reaction whether the OP was female or male.

 

In fact, as a male, I feel I would actually be MORE likely to reference the situation based on how I would react to a theoretical girlfriend doing said acts. If she felt all over some guy I'd be mortified, but not nearly as mortified as I'd be if sex were involved, and I wouldn't call it "cheating" in the strict sense. And other than my personal anger over actually being in the situation, my general advice would be the same. It's totally unacceptable, and has to be stopped immediately. But the fact that sex didn't happen IMO shows that there is still (perhaps small) hope for a person's redemption, evidenced by the fact that he consciously held back and didn't go through with the act. If sex (my definition of cheating) happens, that's a zero-tolerance situation and that's the end of the relationship, no further questions asked. In this case, I could see giving a person one more chance only.

 

I should also add to my definition "emotional cheating" which would involve romantic feelings between 2 people, whether or not sex was involved. That's much different than "I saw a girl/guy and thought they were hot" or even "I have secret fantasies about X" depending on the length of and attachment to the fantasies. Also, maybe what the OP did is so far outside anything I'd even consider doing that maybe I don't have an objective view of it. You're probably right that intense touching should be considered "cheating." Honestly I just don't bother thinking about it. I'd never stay with anyone who did those kinds of things or even seriously considered doing them.

Edited February 13, 2013 by ChessPieceFace

[Xinreeki]

If you love and care about your gf as you say, then tell her how you're feeling. That way you can either work together to spice up your relationship, or break up. Sounds to me that it might be best if you were to break up, so she can find a guy who is more compatible / faithful, and you can be single and mingle as you wish.

[pbjbear]

I cannot take your first paragraph seriously. If you loved her so much and shes the best thing that ever happened to you, you wouldnt feel the way you do or act the way you act.

 

You sound like someone who is very impulsive and who prob needs to be in an open relationship. There are people who just dont have the personality or self control for monogamous relationships...you should go get a girlfriend who has the same tendencies as you do.

 

I feel sorry for your girlfriend...

[TaraMaiden]

I hate these one-post wonders.....

 

Is Misterxx still around?

 

In view of some of the threads we've had lately - frankly, is he even real......?

[Leigh 87]

Masseur = masculine.

Masseuse = Feminine.

 

Either way, I doubt it....

 

Monogamy is not for you, OP.

 

You're the kind of guy who can love, but can't NOT stray.

 

You need to sit and have a serious convo with your GF.

 

You need to tell her in a nutshell what you told us in post #1: How you feel about her, but that you are seriously and gravely tempted to have sex elsewhere too.

 

The choice then, is hers: Does she tolerate this, or does she leave?

 

My suspicion is that she will want to leave, but there are women out there prepared to contribute and be part of an 'open' relationship. But you too must consider how you would feel being with a GF who felt as you do, and wanted to act on it.

 

So how would that work for you?

 

 

 

 

Or maybe he is just not really in love with her? With the right girl, he may not feel this way?

 

It is common in your early 20's to not know yourself well enough in order to determine what true love IS to you...

[Leigh 87]

...Perhaps the OP is "attached" to his girlfriend, and it would upset him too much to break up with her, yet because he is not really in love with her, he wants us to condone his cheating, and say " it's okay, you can have your cake and eat it too, with the security of a relationship, and the thrill of having other girls"

 

He could be busy! I went months without coming back here at one stage!

 

I really hope he has not just come here, not heard what he wanted to hear, so then F8cked off!

[TaraMaiden]

Leigh......

[kaylan]

Stupid post. Cheating is not solely about sex. Its about et boundaries in a relationship. When people get monogamous they usually promise not to get sensually physical with another person.

 

Yes this guy cheated, whether or not you want to rationalize his poor behavior.

Semantics. Others in the thread used the phrase "cheated in your mind" which I have to just laugh at as impossibly restrictive and unavoidably hypocritical (since everyone will have impulses or thoughts they don't act on.) It shows people have different lines when it comes to what constitutes cheating, and some of them are over the top. I believe more in the idea that absolutes can be set in terms of definitions of words... I always thought of cheating as involving sex. No sex, no "cheating" in the strict sense of the word as I always understood it.

 

The rest of my message to the OP made it clear what my position is. He did terrible things behind his GF's back that threaten to wreck his relationship, he will already have to lie about what he's done which will already erode the trust in the relationship, and if he doesn't get his head right immediately his relationship will eventually be ruined. Because you apply the label "cheating" to it and I don't, is really just semantics.

 

Also, I'm tired of hearing women whining about double standards when it's not accurate. I would never do what the OP did nor do I condone it, nor could I see any difference in my reaction whether the OP was female or male.

 

In fact, as a male, I feel I would actually be MORE likely to reference the situation based on how I would react to a theoretical girlfriend doing said acts. If she felt all over some guy I'd be mortified, but not nearly as mortified as I'd be if sex were involved, and I wouldn't call it "cheating" in the strict sense. And other than my personal anger over actually being in the situation, my general advice would be the same. It's totally unacceptable, and has to be stopped immediately. But the fact that sex didn't happen IMO shows that there is still (perhaps small) hope for a person's redemption, evidenced by the fact that he consciously held back and didn't go through with the act. If sex (my definition of cheating) happens, that's a zero-tolerance situation and that's the end of the relationship, no further questions asked. In this case, I could see giving a person one more chance only.

 

I should also add to my definition "emotional cheating" which would involve romantic feelings between 2 people, whether or not sex was involved. That's much different than "I saw a girl/guy and thought they were hot" or even "I have secret fantasies about X" depending on the length of and attachment to the fantasies. Also, maybe what the OP did is so far outside anything I'd even consider doing that maybe I don't have an objective view of it. You're probably right that intense touching should be considered "cheating." Honestly I just don't bother thinking about it. I'd never stay with anyone who did those kinds of things or even seriously considered doing them.

[eduardo23]

... Ofcourse you cheated. You rubbed her naked body everywhere.

 

I think you're just not ready for a relationship at all.

 

Ask yourself this. If your girlfriend rubbed another guys naked body everywhere would you be fine and dandy about this? Of course she wouldn't have kissed or touched his penis