Passionless Marriage and Visual Cheating

[Noelle1984]

I'd like to hear advice from other individuals who have been in relationships like mine, or were in a relationship like this and what finally caused you to leave it and how do you feel now that it's over.

 

My husband and I married young, at 24, and we had dated for 3 years. We had some passion in the beginning, but really I was looking for someone who was stable, fun, compassionate, family oriented, etc etc.. and he fit the bill. I really felt that we were a great match and we had a good few years until right after we got married we moved to a new state, moved across the country actually, and he started going to strip clubs with his new guy friends, watching porn all the time at home, and looking at naked pictures of women online all the time. I confronted him about it, told him that it made me feel ugly (and I dont have a self-esteem problem, or I didn't at the time anyway) and that I felt like he didn't value me. Now, please note, I know often times the woman is a contributing factor in a man straying or just needing to see what's out there, but I'm in a great shape, thin and athletic, I keep myself up, and I even try to be more adventurous in bed than him (toys, clothes, you name it). I even offered to watch porn with him and he told me it was weird.

 

So he stopped, I thought.. until last December we went home and I noticed on his phone he had saved tons of pictures of naked and half-naked women in a separate file. Again, I'm still in great shape, we don't have kids, so I blew up on him this time. I lost it..... please know that I've also been going through infertility problems.... and last year was hard for me, lots of doctors visits (by myself, mind you) and coping with it.

 

So in January I had laparoscopic surgery and the doc ended up removing large growths - all my organs are intact, but I was bed ridden for a week, with three weeks down for recovery... the DAY of my surgery after getting me home my husband watched porn online and then looked at tons of pictures of naked women again. I just found this today (I didn't mean to, but an address in the browser popped up as if I'd used it and I was curious).

 

What do I do? Not only does he seem addicted to these other things but he sucks in bed. He lasts maybe five minutes and I try to get it going but he cum's way too soon. I haven't orgasmed since we got married and I haven't strayed, and I keep trying to make our relationship right. But I feel like I'm the only one trying.

 

Oh, and everytime I confront him about the porn he just says "it's not a big deal" he never acknowledges my feelings or apologizes... I feel like he doesn't care about me or our relationship at all, and I really need some passion. To me now it's either divorce before we have kids and we're too invested or he needs to step it up. Am I asking too much?

[Keenly]

Visual cheating...? Do you want to control every aspect of his life including thoughts, or just what he watches?

 

 

Do you take care of yourself? Are you keeping your physical appearance up?

 

 

 

The phrase you used " he fit the bill " makes it sound like you settled. Is that the case?

[Noelle1984]

No, I don't want to control him at all. Remember, I offered to watch porn with him. I was actually pretty into it, but he shut me down.

 

And yeah I really do keep myself up, 5'7" at 120, I work out at least 3 times a week, usually more, and keep my wardrobe updated and know that it's important to keep myself together (most of the time).

 

Not to say that I'm perfect, no one is. But I just don't know what to do since I feel like I've tried everything - sending him dirty pics of me, offering to watch porn together, buying new things to try in bed, keeping an open and calm conversation about it.... nothing works, it's like he's in his own world and I'm there to be used for the 5 minutes he needs before he orgasms.

[Realist3]

I would tell him he can choose the porn or you. He can be an active participant in your marriage or find someone else.

[TaraMaiden]

Visual cheating...? Do you want to control every aspect of his life including thoughts, or just what he watches?

 

 

Do you take care of yourself? Are you keeping your physical appearance up?

 

 

 

The phrase you used " he fit the bill " makes it sound like you settled. Is that the case?

 

Sorry hun but do you actually read posts?

 

2 of your questions are redundant....

[TaraMaiden]

I would tell him he can choose the porn or you. He can be an active participant in your marriage or find someone else.

 

 

he has little or no respect for you at all.

There is nothing there to indicate that he has any consideration for your views, feelings or requests.

 

I hate to say it, but you may have to take drastic action.

If he refuses to see how seriously this is affecting you, you may have to act and leave, and get some kind of reaction from him that way.

 

If he 'wakes up' and realises this is a lot bigger than he imagined, then you may both be able work together to implement a remedy, through IC and RC....

 

If he barely reacts at all..... well then, you have your answer....

[TigerCub]

How is your sex life with your Husband OP?

 

I ask because, if he's looking at porn instead of being intimate, then I can see it as being a big problem, but if porn isn't taking anything away from you, then there would be a different reason it is bothering you.

 

To me, I don't mind if my bf looks at porn and does whatever to it - but if it comes to a point where I'm not getting some and we have no intimacy because he'd rather do himself to porn, then I'd leave.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I would worry about the porn if he wasn't interested in sex, cause that kinda thing can wear a guy out...but he is having PE problems? Sounds like either there's not enough sex or he should be wacking off more!

 

Does he still go to the strip clubs?

 

My therapist was asking me about porn one session, she was asking a lot of questions that day looking for signs of any addictions (broad sense, I was a new patient...drugs, alcohol, porn, etc) I admitted to watching porn...and she told me that she had barely encountered a guy that didn't..or maybe she said ALL of them watched it. I can't remember which, either way I think my point is clear.

 

Not saying it's right or wrong, I actually think it's degrading and objectifies women. It's just that you will be hard put to it to find a guy who doesn't do this, whether it's obvious or not.

 

Oh I'll add that I've never been to a strip club, ever. To me that's different.

Edited February 13, 2013 by Ninja'sHusband

[Lillyfree]

why don't you watch porn with him?

it can become something you share instead of him sneakily watching it by himself, it could improve the way things are between you.

[stevie_23]

Lilly, she did offer to do this with him, but he wasn't interested.

 

Some people have always been, or they become "programmed" to be, secretive and solitary with regard to their sexual feelings.

 

Maybe he ONLY gets turned on by the stuff he sees in the porn he chooses to look at, and finds this bad and embarrassing so doesn't want to discuss it, and he doesn't consider it a "big deal" to be doing this stuff while he's married to you.

 

If your sex life with him was good, would you mind as much about the porn?

 

You say you feel you are the only one trying in your marriage. Are other aspects of your marriage ok? Happy? Is it just the sexual / intimacy side that's lacking?

 

Maybe he doesn't consider there's a problem in the bedroom. Some guys are not really interested in pleasing their woman that way, and to them, sex and sexual-related activities are a solitary release type of thing. It does seem to be that way for him.

 

I think you should discuss it openly. Don't mention the porn by itself, but mention how you feel he does not seem interested in including you in his sex life, even when he actually is having sex with you. Hopefully it will begin a proper discussion with him and he can be a bit open about how he feels about things, how you feel about things, and something can be sorted out...or at least better understood.

[Lillyfree]

Lilly, she did offer to do this with him, but he wasn't interested.

 

 

sorry, worded that wrong.

 

she didn't say he 'wasn't interested', she said he thought it was weird.

and also called it visual cheating, and that she 'confronted' him about it. of course he's not going to be comfortable sharing it with her.

 

if my partner offered to partake in something as a sacrifice i'd say no too...

[standtall]

If his porn is not effecting your sex life, and you're physically incapacitated and cannot engage in sex, then what is the problem? If it makes it where he is not interested, then it is a problem, but that is not what you described..you just said he sucks. I'm not sure there is a problem here.

Edited February 13, 2013 by standtall

[Mr. Lucky]

I really felt that we were a great match and we had a good few years until right after we got married we moved to a new state, moved across the country actually, and he started going to strip clubs with his new guy friends, watching porn all the time at home, and looking at naked pictures of women online all the time.

What discussion did you have about these things before you were married? Since his viewing porn makes you feel less valued, it seems like a dealbreaker for you. Did you tell him that before you tied the knot ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[TaraMaiden]

That's because the Male Bitter Brigade here is too focused on their anger at women and blaming them for every wrong thing that happens on this planet.

 

Yeah, sad to say he's done this a couple of times, now....

[Lil Lady]

Noelle, I completely understand your situation. I was in the same type of marriage for over 11 years, he was lousy in bed, less than a "5 minute man", the emotions were...lacking, we didn't even care enough to argue. He went to strip clubs from time to time, watched porn and lied about it. Do you and your husband want to have kids? The reason I ask is because for the longest time, my ex told me that he wanted to eventually have kids, but then when I started pushing about kids he told me that I needed to lose weight, (I weighed less than 130 at the time), he told me that I needed to stop smoking, start eating better, and told me that I needed to figure out what I was planning on doing with the kid on doctor visits, and that I would need to find a daycare BEFORE we even STARTED TRYING to have kids. So if you aren't sure about how he feels about kids, or anything as life changing, then I would try to find out. I basically wasted 11 years of my life with nothing to show for it.

[Mr. Lucky]

OP, the guy sucks in bed. He's incredibly selfish if the whole thing centers around HIS getting off and leaving you hanging, over and over and over. What a complete sefish, self-absorbed jackhole.

 

I can't believe you've allowed this nonsense to go on for so long. Porn isn't your biggest problem - this selfish idiot who only cares about HIMSELF is your biggest problem.

 

All true. But I doubt he was a combination Casanova/Youth Group pastor during courtship and then switched to "selfish, self-absorbed jackhole" strip club fanatic after the vows are exchanged.

 

Why marry someone like this? And them why be surprised at what he does ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[mitchell]

This guy sounds like a selfish jerk and a lousy lover. You haven't had an orgasm in the 5 years you've been married and he doesn't even care. He just pumps and dumps you after 5 minutes? Doesn't he go down on you??

 

Do yourself a favor and get a divorce before you have children with him.

[TaraMaiden]

OP, the time for talking and being accommodating is over - you realise that, yeah.....?

[Thegameoflife]

I'm thinking that his premature ejaculation problem, and his inability to please his wife problem, might be getting to him. I know myself, if I kept trying and failing at the same thing over and over again, I'd be insane to keep at it thinking things will be different.

 

From what I understand, everything the OP has tried to introduce into the bedroom, has actually been for her. I don't think her husband needs any more stimulation. Now, if he's having this problem of feeling inadequate about his sexual abilities, I'm 99% sure that the toys and tactics she's tried, are only just confirming his negativity about his performance.

 

I'm no sex therapist, but I know people. The thing about sex toys and creative things, is that they can take good sex, and change up the routines for the benefit. However, they don't fix bad sex. It's just bad sex, with a bunch of toys reminding your husband that he's not good enough to do the job.

 

Men like porn for many reasons. For your husband, there is no performance anxiety, and the pornstar seems to enjoy herself regardless of what he's doing while watching. He probably doesn't want you to keep him company because you have traditionally been negative during sex. It's not your fault that you show your frustration to him, just as much as it's probably not his lack of will to last only 5 minutes in bed.

 

My suggestion would be to properly develop your sexual relationship with your husband. You can do this by watching porn with him. Don't ask to watch porn with him, just do it. When you're watching porn, pleasure yourself, and he pleasures himself. What this does is bind you psychologically by breaking down the solitude of masturbation, and creates a no pressure sexual situation for him with you. Eventually you progress into helping the other person masturbate, by stimulating each other while your masturbating. The reason for this next step, is it allows him to take part in your pleasure, but with you doing the pleasuring for the most part, allowing for only success in him pleasuring you. Eventually, his confidence will return, and he'll start getting you off with his fingers and his mouth. I think the key to success for you to is to shed the negative feelings, and start getting into a rhythm where he gets you off without his penis before penetration, leaving you satisfied, even if he only lasts 5 minutes. Since you probably want to stay away from pre sex stimulation for him, it's important to get him off with oral or a handjob about once a week, so he doesn't start to feel like you're only in it for your pleasure. Be open to him about it. Just tell him that you read that doing these things together can make a good thing better. Be positive for positive results.

 

Or you can just cop out of putting in effort, and get divorced. My suggestion is to not take advice from divorced people on saving your marriage. I'm not divorced, which is why I'm offering you a solution, not just adding to the feeling of dread and frustration.

Edited February 13, 2013 by Thegameoflife

[dichotomy]

"We had some passion in the beginning, but really I was looking for someone who was stable, fun, compassionate, family oriented, etc etc.. and he fit the bill"

 

Any chance he knows you settled for a nice stable guy but don't really have deep passion for him? Is there more to this ? Maybe you had real passion for others before him? or something related to this?

 

And chance he settled for a nice gal as well without much feeling of passion either?

 

Beyond those questions, I see many comments I kind of agree with from others.

 

I do compliment you (admire) for being open, willing to watch porn with him, be adventursome in bed, keeping in shape...many men would be grateful for a wife like you.

[pcplod]

He's an immature, inconsiderate, self-centred, possibly even narcissistic dead-beat.

 

Based on that characterisation, what do you want to do? What do you think would make sense in the context? Do you REALLY think it will ever change?

 

I think you have already answered your own question in your original post, but it is just that you are having serious difficulty coming to terms with it. The hard reality is that everyone, man or woman, in your position, faces the same dilemma, the same doubts.

 

And you know what, it has nothing to do with the sex, or the porn, or the strippers, it's just about the sort of person he is, has always been and always will be. The rest is just mere inconsequential detail.