I caught him cheating, now what?

[confused]

Me and my guy have been together for 2 years. Well, I started to notice he was acting different toward me and lieing to me alot. well, i heard he was talking to another girl and he was, but i busted him doing it. then he promised he wouldn't talk to her anymore. well, a couple days later i started getting suspicious. this was a sat. night, and he was supposed to be christmas shopping for me. so, i rode by her house and her car was there. so, we called and her parents said she'd be home at 11:00. so, at 11:00 i was in an unknown vehical and sitting right up close to her house. well, he pulled in and dropped her off. we followed him to our mutual friends house and i got out and slapped the hell out of him and cussed him out. then i started crying. he then left. so, what do i do? i love him to death. do i stick around or go out with someone else?

[Ed]

Definitely, DO NOT stick around!

 

You caught this guy going out with someone else AND he lied to you about it (until you caught him red handed). You need to end this relationship, otherwise, he will get the impression that this is something you are willing to put up with.

 

Spying on a lover is generally considered to be obsessive. I am not saying he didn't deserve to be found out, it's just that spying under these circumstances shows your tendency to obsess over him. It will be hard for you to completely dump this guy. It will be even harder to get over his cheating and lying. For now you need to avoid seeing him or this girl he is seeing. That means - don't drive down the street he lives on or the street she lives on for the rest of this century. I don't care if you have to get to work or school via Omaha! Avoid those places and any other places you might run into him/them. The old saying "out of sight out of mind" will eventually kick in.

 

I would not be too hasty in joining the "true dating" scene for a little while. You're going to need some time to get over this. If you start romantically dating too soon, the new guy will end up getting the brunt of your anger. And besides that, as mad as you are right now, he could end up loosing some teeth. So, focus your spare time on friends and family.

 

Forget this guy and don't give in if he comes back crying and begging.

[Tony T]

You can't have a relationship if there is no trust. Trust is very similar to virginity in that once it is compromised it is almost impossible to restore.

 

You will have to decide if you want to remain hypervigilant throughout your relationship, do surveillance and other detective work, etc., or would you prefer a loving relationship with a guy who would spend his time with you and make you feel special?

 

What is it about a guy who sees other women behind your back that you love?

[Paulie]

Tony raises the very good point of asking you what you love about this guy. I have "loved" people who treat us poorly in the past, and often asked myself the same question.

 

How can we love someone who treats us poorly?

 

The answer, from what I can ascertain, lies in the difference between "in love," or the chemical attraction that can exist between two people, and real love which will not tolerate someone who treats us poorly, because it is grounded in love of self.

 

However, this still leaves us with the problem of how to fall out of love, that is, in the purely chemical, lustful, attractiveness sense. It is this which, in my opinion is underlying this woman's expression of "love" for this guy.

 

I think the key here is to look at the big picture, and to realize that this is a connection, that, no matter how strong and bonded, maybe should not be...because it is not the best thing for YOU.

[sparkle]

Ed gave some great advice.

 

You can do better.

 

You deserve better.

 

You will find better.

 

Leave him. He's not worth it. He cheated on you once. You gave him a second chance. Now he's cheated on you twice.

 

There are no more chances. I guarantee you (99.99% sure) that if he's cheated on you twice..that means he's lied to you at least twice...he WILL do it again.

 

Understand that it was NOT YOUR FAULT. But if you stick with him, and let him cheat on you again, then you're bringing it upon yourself because you'll be letting him get away with it again.

 

End things and don't allow him to explain. If he's charming enough, he WILL talk his way out of it, he'll make up some stupid excuse and you might believe it and give in again.

 

He deceived you, he lied to you, he broke your trust.

 

End your relationship with him quickly.

 

Let us know how things go.

[Deejette]

I am sorry you found out that he was cheating on you, but it was for the best. Better to know the truth than to go along trustingly investing time in him, making plans for the future, and giving your love, while he is off shagging some other chick and not giving a damn about how it would affect you.

 

It hurts to go through what you have been through. There is no way that it can't hurt. But because he was such a creep about it, it should help a little in getting over him. He is a dishonest two-timer. You have been tricked and lied to. That is hard on anyone, no less on someone who is in love.

 

But once you get over it, you will be able to look for a honest guy and make that your top priority. One day you will look back and say, "What was I thinking?"

Tony raises the very good point of asking you what you love about this guy. I have "loved" people who treat us poorly in the past, and often asked myself the same question. How can we love someone who treats us poorly?

 

The answer, from what I can ascertain, lies in the difference between "in love," or the chemical attraction that can exist between two people, and real love which will not tolerate someone who treats us poorly, because it is grounded in love of self. However, this still leaves us with the problem of how to fall out of love, that is, in the purely chemical, lustful, attractiveness sense. It is this which, in my opinion is underlying this woman's expression of "love" for this guy. I think the key here is to look at the big picture, and to realize that this is a connection, that, no matter how strong and bonded, maybe should not be...because it is not the best thing for YOU.

[Tony T]

Some excellent points made by you here, Paulie. HAPPY THANKSGIVING...and go easy on the egg nog!!!