Seperated 3 weeks, want her back, wife hurting me!

[123pgjes]

Hello

 

I have looked to this forum for the past few weeks to gauge how I am to deal with this.

 

I met my wife in 2003 at university. She was and is stunning and the woman of my dreams, the love of my life.

 

After being friends until 2007 we started going out, then married in 2008 and have twins, one year old.

 

Her family never liked me, they actually didn't even attend the wedding. Her and I eloped and had a great wedding without them.

 

Since that time we reconciled with the family, but marriage issues always lead her back to them.

 

Strange issues as she would spend most days going over to her parents place for coffee and stay a few hours.

 

In 2010 we had a miscarriage. Massive issue for us, but in order to move on, we painted the home together, (well I did, she just watched of course) and we rebuilt.

 

Shortly after, we were pregnant with twins. Since they were born both of us basically lead separate lives to a degree. I went into partnership with a colleage for a business and she relied on her parents a bit too much to help with the upbringing of the children.

 

After a short while, the marriage became strained, we separated for a week or so 2 times since the children were born.

 

1. She said one morning, 'look I don't love you anymore' so I left, we reconciled a week later.

 

2. I went out a bit with my friends, she stayed at her parents and didn't come back for a week and a bit. I said that I could not live without her. She thought I was suicidal or something and came back.

 

3. and current seperation. Unfortuntately I again went out with friends, came home at 8.30pm, so only out for a few hours. She said not to go to where I was going, a school reunion, but I went, she found out, then left.

 

Since the children were born I WAS NEVER ALLOWED to have the kids alone or take them anywhere. Once I was allowed to walk them to the shops and she called on my mobile phone about 17 times asking if they were ok.

 

Now its been 3 weeks separated. After calling her to come back, She has taken 3/4 $ out of our account, she was taken her and the kids clothes, demanding that I draft up orders for the kids and property / divorce papers (we both are lawyers)

 

I did, gave her everything in the property (100%) and I was to see the kids 2 days per week. Thinking this was an awesome proposal, she called and yelled at me stating that I was taking her children from her.

 

I remained calm and said, well I would rather you back, but this is reality, if you want it. I need to see the kids.

 

She called my business partner constantly, asking how I am, what I am doing etc and I am trying to keep away to give her space.

 

She is hitting me where it hurts, I am a bit of a tightass, love to save my money, where I was proud of saving up as much as I had done.

 

Her excuses were 'they may be trivial, but they mean a lot to me, the twins are hard to take care of, he cant care for them. He is always working, he works after hours some nights. We went out to buy a car, rather than buy an Audi or a BMW, he bought a Ford, he also lied to me about going to the reunion.

 

My side, she actually said 'if you don't buy this car, I will leave you.' As we had an older car, she wanted a new one, so we bought this one cash. Working after hours is necessary, I lied about the reunion as she constantly whinges at me for going to places and threatens to leave.

 

She now says she has gone to a lawyer, im not sure if she is bluffing, or what, secondly, I don't know why she doesn't deal with the matter at hand.

 

I also told her I wanted her back and will work towards it, but even now, at 3 weeks separated she is angry and hostile as ever.

 

Im not sure if she is leaving me for good, or she is just teaching me a lesson.

 

She knows how much I wanted to save the money, the one action that would kill me is to take it.

 

I sent her the divorce papers, she never signed them.

 

The home is still here, she has not called an agent.

 

Some of her stuff is still there.

 

She is living at her parents still.

 

I am the only guy she has been with as a partner and sexually.

 

She is immensely paranoid. Always locks doors, always wants to check my phone and when there is no texts there from some people, she thinks I deleted them, has barred me of facebook.

 

I have seen the kids 3 times at her cousins place for a 2 hours since we separated. I know I can easily get contact overnight with the children if I go to court, but do not want to seek that avenue just yet.

 

Secondly, some idiot is crank phone calling her, ringing on a private number and hanging up. She thought it was me and called the police. The police called me, thankfully took my side and warned me to think before calling her as she may make a complaint.

 

At the present time I am trying to give her time. I have enough $ to keep going at the moment, but I would do anything to keep her.

 

I have not said that, but I have said I want her back, want to work on things. Even said I lost 13kg as she thought my weight was a bit much, I wanted to sell the car and get her something nice, even move in with her parents as they have 2 homes on their property.

 

I am lost without her, I know theres more fish in the sea etc etc, but I thought marriage was forever, especially with the twins. It is hurting me so much not see them, but hurting me more when I hurt her to ask when I can have them.

 

Any ideas guys? I know I cant get someone to fall back in love with me, but I feel its not out of love, im just not giving her what she wants. At university she was the star in the sky I wanted to grab, now have done so, and she has left

[Ninja'sHusband]

Oh man, I'm really sorry. What an awful thing to go through

 

I know you want her back and this is immensely painful for you but you should try to reread your story from a 3rd party's eyes. She has shown herself to be incredibly selfish and probably won't change. Now she's pissed because you had the balls to demand to see your own kids....really... Is she seeing someone else?

 

As for getting her back, which is what you asked for help on...I guess you could read "Divorce Remedy". That book is probably the best thing I can think of. You might hear about the "180", well it came from that book. The website is "Divorce Busters" which is the name of the older edition of the book.

[123pgjes]

Issue is, I lived like a complete peasant to allow her $ for herself and kids. Never bought myself anything so there was $ in the account. Always ate 2 minute noodles or cheap ass food for dinner / lunch to make ends meet.

 

I worked my ass off, figured I go out into business rather than get a wage, even have an online business giving advice. Hell I even went for a job literally picking up dog poo in my spare time just to have some spare $ for her and the kids. DOG POO!!!!!

 

She, to her defence, did all the house cleaning, bought me some nice clothes and worked, now 3 days per week etc, but always went for the jugular when we argued.

 

I feel she just went postal and now dug a massive hole for herself and is too stupid and stuburn to come back, at least for now.

 

I really doubt she is seeing someone else. But, you always think sometimes that she is.

 

Last time we separated, she wanted me of facebook, and the children to not see my parents. I said, ok to facebook, but the parents should see the kids in a few years time. She went postal and said never ever.

 

After she found out I went to the reunion, she left. Clearly this was an underlying thing with regard to trust etc. But I feel she constantly move the goal posts each time I kicked a goal.

 

I now live with my parents, we too have a second home on the property, (matrimonial home still there) you would think she would be not allowing contact on that alone.

 

She was never this selfish, I just feel she is hurting me to get a rise out of me, then when I don't cower or cry, she gets pissed because its what she thought I would do.

[ruh roh]

danny351, I am really sorry for what you are going through. Whenever there are children involved it is so much harder to endure.

I am responding to your post because it seems you and I share the same fault, money!

Like you, I worked all the time to make as much money as possible. I was under the illusion that if I provided my wife and kids with all of the luxuries of life, that they would all be content and we would live happily ever after.

I quickly learned that money is just a necessary evil and there are many other things that a woman needs to be happy. Unfortunately I have learned this a little too late. My wife started having an EA, which because of my dedication to earning money and neglecting her, resulted in the EA turning into a PA and her consequently leaving me for the OM.

These days I spend all my time trying to make up for the time that I have lost over the years with my two teenage sons, because the idea that I had to make as much money as possible became my over riding emotion. I have basically excepted that my wife has moved on because I neglected her emotionally for way too long. Even though I still resent her for what she has done to me, I have excepted my share of the blame for her cheating to have occurred in the first place.

I didn't mean to hijack your post, but I wanted to share with you my experience of letting money guide you in life.

 

I hope that things will work out for you my Brother, but please take the time to do some self reflection, as it may decide your future. Also remember that your twin's health and welfare should be the number one priority. Do not allow your wife to dictate how you are allowed to be a Father.

[Darren Steez]

Get a divorce. Life is too short for moping around.

[M30USA]

You were not allowed to be with your own child alone? Sorry, deal breaker. Who the heck does she think she is? She clearly has zero respect for your role as father. There is no other way of looking at it.

[aMguilts]

did she ever love you?

 

You had to elope to marry this woman, for whatever reason??

You have separated, and got back togther again,

 

Why do you want to be with her? You feel lost without?.... WHY?

She gives you nothing...., naw scrap that, she gives you nothing but trouble , but you still want to be with her?

 

You BOTH have insecurity issues.

aM

[Holyoak]

Hello

 

1. She said one morning, 'look I don't love you anymore' so I left, we reconciled a week later.

 

*This is huge, and fits Walkaway wife to the "T" and IMO and experience, you never did R. Having heard the exact same words, it means she is done. Not to be a downer, but I have never read of a single instance where this was said, and it ever worked out. In my case, my STBXWW was in an affair when she said it, and never has since shown a lick of remorse. Sorry, but my gut says someone else is in her life, about to be, or she is on a mission to make that happen.

 

 

she stayed at her parents and didn't come back for a week and a bit.

 

*Can you absolutely verify this? I have read countless stories of wife staying at parents, friends, relatives, and in reality they were at some doods place all/most of the time.

 

 

She called my business partner constantly, asking how I am, what I am doing etc and I am trying to keep away to give her space.

 

*Hyper checking up to look concerned, but maybe an act? Anytime "space" is mentioned, my affair alarm bell rings.

 

She is immensely paranoid. Always locks doors, always wants to check my phone and when there is no texts there from some people, she thinks I deleted them, has barred me of facebook.

 

Guilty projection much?

 

 

Something just doesn't seem to add up here, and again, my gut is saying there is another person. Sorry to say this, but wish you good luck.

[123pgjes]

Hello all and thanks for the responses, however sobering

 

She is not seeing anyone else, I can say that without hesitation. Her parents are horribly control freaks and would not allow it to happen. She also suffers massive separation anxiety to be without the kids. I know her, it will be a long time till she sees someone else, if ever.

 

I think it is more of a control issue with her. She and I are both lawyers, I have gone on with my career and she has stagnated, working in a call centre giving advice.

 

With career comes responsibility and need to chase money. I do think it is more to do with her view on life being me at home after 5pm and helping her out all nights, not just most.

 

My idea is that I just make as much $ as possible and be there most of the time. Women need more than that.

 

She is a lawyer, she knows holding the kids away from me is illegal. She is currently in a state of mind that is not thinking clearly.

 

Where im from marriage is forever, you work at it. I have given her a few more days to settle then talk it though. If she is not budging, then its a life without her and with the kids.

[Chi townD]

 

She is immensely paranoid. Always locks doors, always wants to check my phone and when there is no texts there from some people, she thinks I deleted them, has barred me of facebook.

 

 

 

I don't know, dude. Cheaters will often get paranoid and try to find dirt on the other spouse so they don't have to feel guilty about what they're doing.

 

You said you were certain that there isn't anyone else because she staying with her parents and they are very strict. What if she's having an office romance going on? How would they ever know what she's doing or who she's with during her lunch break? Or if she has to work late preparing for a case?They wouldn't have a clue. And parents tend to have blinders on when it comes to their kids because they believe that they raised them to never act in such a manner.

 

Look, All I'm saying is don't rule out that possibility right now.

[aMguilts]

hi

i`m aMguilts

nice to meet you

 

now personally i couldn`t care if you pi**ed petrol and s**t palm trees

You have a problem in your marriage? yeah or no?

 

It seems it`s money orientated?

You earn more than her,? she only works in a call centre?

Money you do or don`t make, doesn`t make a marriage, with that attitude, it WILL break it.

 

What happened to your vows then?

remember them???

 

aM

[123pgjes]

Hello

 

I did not have an issue with what she earned, i actually dont want her to work at all. she does have an issue however which she can be jealous.

 

In rich and in poor I know.

 

When we were first married we were very happy, we earned rubbish money. I thought all that's missing now is money and kids. We have that now, but it came at a cost to the marriage.

 

I'm still not sold on her seeing someone else. I actually did go see her at work, she looked like death at her desk, very depressed. Usually when I see her she is laughing and joking with colleagues.

 

It's been 2 weeks since I spoke with her. And since 6 February since I seen the kids.

[habs53]

Hi, sorry for all your troubles and it does get much better.

 

People can get back together, i actually witnessed it several times and started a thread on it.

 

One thing i have learned, that most woman will not leave unless someone else is involved. Its a hard pill to swallow but it is normally the case.

 

Yes i have seen couples get back together. I chose not to take that path and even try after i found out the truth. Why would anyone want to take that back...

 

Work on yourself. Take her of her pedestal which she has no right to be on. Good men are very hard to find. You will be a catch to someone else.

[aMguilts]

Hello

 

I did not have an issue with what she earned, i actually dont want her to work at all. she does have an issue however which she can be jealous.

 

In rich and in poor I know.

 

When we were first married we were very happy, we earned rubbish money. I thought all that's missing now is money and kids. We have that now, but it came at a cost to the marriage.

 

I'm still not sold on her seeing someone else. I actually did go see her at work, she looked like death at her desk, very depressed. Usually when I see her she is laughing and joking with colleagues.

 

It's been 2 weeks since I spoke with her. And since 6 February since I seen the kids.

 

hi again

 

WHY don`t you want her to work??

maybe she WANTS to work?

 

i`m going to be honest

i think you are the one with `issues`??

you used to see her`laughing and joking with colleagues`?

 

but you don`t want her to work and now you are stalking her?

 

WHY haven`t you seen your kids

 

aM

[aMguilts]

i think your the `jealous` 1??

[123pgjes]

She has said countless times she wants to stop working, at worst when the kids go to school.

 

Secondly she refuses to allow me to see the kids. I have asked countless times. She fears I will take them. She has an issue with separation from the kids. As much as I want to see them, she won't allow me to take them away for a few hours.

 

Her brothers wedding is today. I have not contacted her at all for 2 weeks. She in turn has called my business partner a few times asking about me. Next week, perhaps I will call her to try and reconcile. It has been a month now separated. Too soon?

[123pgjes]

i have no spoken to her as yet.

 

She knows me, she will be bewildered that i have not called.

 

I miss her dearly, i have moments in the day where i simply cannot do anything, which i know you know the feeling.

 

I am trying to do this 180 thing to try and get over her and make me stronger and in turn make her miss me, but i do get the urge to call her and break down and say that i love her and will make it work.

 

Will i break the 180? Will i lose those days i have not called and fall on my face? Or will it be worth speaking to her?

 

I prayed last night for her. Sought to get strength from God. I said, please give me a sign, a dream, if she will come back. I laid in bed for an hour or so then went to sleep. I had a dream that we were both arguing, I broke down and cried saying I cannot live without you and the kids. She cried too and we reconciled.

 

I never really dream about her at all, nor pray. it was sooooo real, I wanted to call her there and then.

 

This pain, so hard to deal with.

Edited February 26, 2013 by danny351
typo

[mkrainy]

I understand the wait and the pain. I hope your wife can understand that you truly want to work on the marriage and give you another chance. It's very hard to move on, but you did a very good job on 180..

[123pgjes]

Strange today.

 

Although she contacts my business partner to see how I am and trying to get info, I'm sitting here thinking, well..... I'm over it.

 

Upsets me that our family is over, she may come back, but I'm not sure if I want her back.

 

I have gone 21 days with no contact at all. Even though I am a lawyer, I have gotten a colleague today to send a legal letter to see the kids next weekend.

 

I am quite content at the moment. Strange....

 

If she calls, im not sure if i want to talk. Maybe I would like to discuss options, but I seems to be over the inherent anger and sadness as a result of the whole crap storm over nothing to think, well hmmmmm, make with the kids, you left here, feel free to come back, but I need to get on with my life, with or without you. Wives (and husbands!!) are replaceable, children are not.

[TaraMaiden]

Get your partner to say nothing. Just hang up.

[123pgjes]

Get your partner to say nothing. Just hang up.

 

Tara, not sure what you mean?

[TaraMaiden]

If she's contacting your partner for updates on how you are, advise your partner to simply hang up the phone.

Your partner should not become embroiled in this.

It's unfair.

 

I have, (I confess) just glimmed though the thread, but I am wondering whether she has a mental condition?

I mean, she's acting in an extremely bizarre way - did you not have a clue to her behaviour before you married? Or has this begun since you had children? It seems almost like a manic reaction - could it be associated with PND?

[123pgjes]

Ahh I see, I thought you meant partner as in my wife lol.

 

She doesn't talk to me, my business partner is the line of contact. He says little, but it's somewhat beneficial at this point in time to keep the contact going.

 

Definitely post children, of course it's my fault according to her. I actually went to a psychiatrist, and got the all clear. I feel she has a mental issue, nobody reacts in such a way.

[TaraMaiden]

Your b.partner must have the patience of a saint. I have to admit, were I he, I would be saying "Please keep me out of this - I have enough work on my plate as it is, without acting as an unpaid go-between for two discordant parties."

I can see the use, and that actually, as a legal-beagle, he can evaluate the useful from the emotional.

 

But I think he deserves a good bottle of expensive wine, myself.....

 

Yeah, I think she must have a mental issue.

of course, while SHE doesn't see it, then it's pointless even 'going there'.....

 

Maybe you could find out legally whether she could be 'evaluated'....?

[123pgjes]

His patience is wearing very thin.

 

Legally she can be assessed under family law rules here in Au.

 

But I need to go to court for that to occur. Maybe I need to.

 

My lawyer has drafted a very detailed letter demanding the kids contact and her emotional abuse through the years. annexed to the letter will be the psych report saying I'm mentally ok.

 

My heart says I want to reconcile, help her do MC and ask her to come back to the table and resolve the matter before I send the letter out. But I am unsure how to proceed from here.

 

Attack with sugar or vinegar?