Still love ex husband a year and a half later?

[Paige1377]

My ex husband and I share a two and a half year old. The split was brutal...him kicking us out for another woman. I have tried everything not to think about him...dating...improving...growing into a mature woman...but still he haunts my thoughts almost daily. I was texting my mom and she said to me he hurt you bad...but I still think a part of you loves him.

 

That's when I saw it...I still love this man...with all my heart. I loved him even when he abandoned us and put us on a bus for this other woman. Reconciliation is not an option...six months ago he shared how amazing this woman is....they have been together since the split...moved in together three months after our divorce...and I am too stubborn to be rejected again for this woman....

 

My question is how can you let that love go? I have tried everything...but my heart stays with him. He has to know how I feel...yet we are at the point now where our conversations are only about our daughter.

 

I love him...I know I do...but no possibility of us being together is even something he considers...a month ago when he had our daughter he lost it and sent me a picture of myself...weird he had that bc I got rid of all his pictures....

 

This man loved and fought for me for eight years...then when things got bad put myself and his then nine month old daughter on a bus so he could be with this woman...I am a white woman...fair skinned...us eyes...athletic build...and the woman he kicked us out for his a short Hispanic woman...very pretty from what I have been told...

 

The hurt is unbearable at times...I cry non stop some days...bc I still don't want to believe this is how my daughter will be raised...and how he can turn his back so easily...

 

Loveshack...who else has felt like this? I don't necessarily want him back...just need to know I wasn't just trash to be thrown out...bc that's how I have felt for a year and a half...

[Mack05]

Paige I think the obvious question is why do you love should a man? Not only has this man abandoned his wife but his (at the time) 10 month old child as well! He is a cheater, a coward, a manipulator and this is the man you want to spent the rest of your life with? This is the man you want some sort of validation from!?The guy is a low life. He is pure scum.

 

This right now is about you and you alone. Your self esteem is shot and is in pieces. You need to start the process of rebuilding yourself. You need to start to view yourself in a COMPLETELY different way.

 

People deal with breakups in different ways. Some wollow in self pity, some get involved in negative behaviours (over eating, drinking, casual sex, gambling, rebounds) to avoid dealing with their pain. Some view it as a blessing. A chance to better themselves as people, a chance to get a better relationship.

 

I get the impression you did not deal with this is a healthy way. Paige the first and most important thing is that you love who you look at in the mirror every morning. I don't believe you do, because if you did reconciling with this idiot would be the last thing on your mind.

 

You need to start re-invent yourself. You need to set goals and dreams for you and your child and achieve them. Write them ALL down and tick them off as you achieve them. Some short term, some long term. You need to put a structure into your day. Structure can be boring but when you are rebuilding yourself it is vital.

 

The things I would recommend..

 

1) Working out. Now with a young child this can be tough but 30 minutes a day (even in your home) all adds up. This is in my opinion the best way to increase self esteem

2) Eat healthily, drink loads of water.

3) Be disciplined. Times you will want cake or southern fried chicken, you must resist even if the results don't appear straight away. There are plenty of articles on the internet to show and help you how to be disciplined.

4) Read self help books. Some that might help you..."The power of now" and "How to break your addiction to a person". Are you codependent? If so codependent no more by Melanie Beattie is a great book.

5) Journaling. Can be very theraputic. Write the first thing that comes into you head...

6) Mediation. Can help when you are feeling anxious.

7) Counselling. Have you thought about it or could afford it?

 

Rebuilding self esteem is a long ardous process. It requires courage, self discipline, desire and self belief. You need to this though. For yourself and your daughter. The more you pine for this selfish idiot, the more you avoid fixing what is wrong with you. The more you avoid and surpress, the more impact this is going to have on your kid. So is so much better out there for you both. It's up to you to get it...

[Mystery2Me]

Hey Paige! I am very sorry about all that you have experienced then and still today.

 

How long will it take you ask???Here is the thing people change, intellectually we know that.

 

However, emotionally it takes a great deal of hard work and courage to accept that the husband you married changed into a completely different husband.

 

I too love my HUSBAND (man I married) today and will most likely for ever......BUT at 15 yrs married the person he is today the STBXH I will never love. And most importantly I am divorcing this adulterer, abandoner, and liar.

 

Now everyone that goes thru this mess will have left over emotions to deal with long after the legal process is over....and you have to have to OWN where you are emotionally (do NOT apologize for it) then continue the work you've described to move forward.

 

Also why he did this has NOTHING to do with your beauty, but all the same he did it TO you so that's is tough....but again hold onto this truth....and continue working on the emotions to find peace.

 

Here's me during my whole adult life: 5'4, 120 lbs, size 2-4, PhD educated, cook a yummy scratch chicken -n- dumplings, and cute as a button! :-)

 

GUESS WHAT?? Yep, he still cheated because I just no right. LAIR...LAIR...is not me, he changed is mind and did not bother to tell me before deciding to cheat and abandon me.

 

So after a lot of hard work here's where I at:

 

*I loved my HUSBAND and he loved me

*My HUSBAND is gone, replaced by a selfish SOB

*I will always love my HUSBAND and properly mourning his loss in my life

*Never will I love the person,STBXH, he as become....DIVORCE it is!

*My message to STBXH: The HUSBAND I proudly married, would NEVER let the person you have become treat his WIFE this way.

** My prayer, God continue to heal my heart and mind. Thank you for protecting from all things including STBXH. God when you are ready please send me a HUSBAND.

 

Hold your head up Dear Paige, mourn the precious HUSBAND whom loved you....so you can let him go....and not confuse him with this new guy.

 

Yep in the mean time take care of yourself health wise and emotionally , cause love will knock on your door again.

 

Take very good care. ~Mystery

Edited February 13, 2013 by Mystery2Me

[Yasuandio]

We were too good to them. We rewarded their nasty behavior with kindness. I too am like Mystery. Cooked everything from scratch - no frozen, no microwave, no can. I'm pretty damn cute too, and I also have a Ph.D. He didn't even graduate grammar school. Once I got him in business, he dumped me on the seaside in a foreign country while we were on vacation, without my glasses or medications. Isn't that nice?

 

You have to stop wanting him. You certainly don't need him. I have become more myself by being away from him these four years. I still do miss him - but you know the marriage was 27 years, 32 together - most of my life. It is going to take time. But I don't think I could go back to the hostile living situation again. There was no thanks for my efforts at all - just hatefulness. I am now seeing the effects of years of abuse on my health. It does eventually surface. Bear that in mind. You got out early. Kiss the ground.

[GuyInLimbo]

When you say you've "tried everything," what exactly does that mean? Have you been in IC since the breakup? Sounds like that area needs a LOT of work if you still love a guy who tossed you to the curb WITH a kid. A strong person would see they don't deserve such treatment and will be able to move on.

[Paige1377]

I have tried everything...exercise I lost 90 pounds...growing up...dating...I tried it without success...and even loving myself...nothing has helped...I still feel lost...especially when I look at our daughter...how could he give her up? For a woman...

[Gunny376]

I'll try and hel yo the best that I can. This may get kind of long ~ and because of how the Love Shack mod's work's I may have to break up my post on the subject.

 

To frame my response? I have to give you a little framework as to my spiritual beliefs? I'm pretty much dead on with what Jesus was saying and quoted. And I think that "Tha' Budda" said ~ as they're pretty much one and the same. The "Golden Rule" and all.

 

I don't belive that we're earthly ~ physical beings having a spiritual experience, but rather spiritual beings having an earthly experience?

 

That is to say in the true essence of ourselves? We're not just physical beings trapped in a 3 dimensional relam, but spiritual beings that are trapped in a 3 dimensional relam. That we've forgotten (Because otherwise we just couldn't handle the reality of it all!) who we truly are?

 

Spiritual beings that have fallen away from God.

 

Bare with me ~ there' more!

[Gunny376]

I believe that this existence as we know it ~ this thing we call "Life" on the Thrid Rock From the Sun? Is nothing more than just a "classroom" for us to learn and grow as "Spiritual Beings"

 

The lesson is simple. Love one another, love God, love His creation, to love totally without hesitation, reservation, unconditionally, without prejudice, ~ UNCONDITIONALLY!

 

Easier said than done!

 

Mathematically and a proven fact of physics is that if you were a ten-dimensional person/being/individual? You could move through solid objects in a three dimensional world, (Source ~ Discover magazine)

 

We live in a three dimensional world and we've forgotten that our essence is much greater than that and that the "core" of us ~ of our being is much more dimensional than just the 3D version.

[Gunny376]

With that said, in the greater scheme of things, any and all that happens in this life makes sense, because in the greater sense of existence? What happens in "This Life" doesn't really matter, because life, love, hope, our very existence is eternal. (Ref: Dr. Alexander's book "Proof of Heaven" and Frank J. Tipler's book "The Physics of Immortality" )

 

That's the macro of it ~ on the micro of it ~ your simply biologically addicted to the X.

 

Its very possible for us to be attracted to and "in love" with the very person that's the absolute worse person for us mentally, emotionally, psychologically, physically, financially. We know they're going to burn us? So much that we should be ashes by now!

 

People that are so-called in love? Have the same identical brain scans as someone who suffers from severe OCD, ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, (Source Feb 2007 edition of National Geographic Magazine ~ "The Chemistry of Love" and the book "Brain Sex"

 

The short order of it is that your addicted to the X, and like any all addictions? They're not necessarly healthy for you mentally, physically, pyschologically, emotionally, financially.

 

Yet like a moth drawn to the flame ~ even while being drawn toward the flame ~ knowing full well your going to get burned? You do it anyway and go to them.

 

Its the reason you see women (and men) on the show "Cops" professing their never ending and un-wavering love to someone that just beat the crap out of them.

 

Its an addicition ~ and its because your scared of the un-known. Better the devil you know than the one that you don't know!

 

Its seeking the external validation of others, when you shouild be seeking the self valiadation of yourself, (Book ~ "I'm OK, Your OK!") and understanding the journey your on, (Book ~ "Passages" )

[Gunny376]

Your at a cross-roads in Life ~ and its a choice of which road to follow. The choice is simple ~ albiet it can be a little bit scary.

 

Its just this simple the road toward self valiadation, self worth, self esteem.

 

That is to say that you don't need the validation of another ~ or anyone else. You don't need someone else to valiadte yourself as a person, as an individual.

 

Forget the laws of man! In so as you follow the laws of right and wrong ~ and you know what they are, for God Himself wrote them upon your heart the day you came into exsistence ~ Short version? Just do the right thing! And you know what that is ~ in any and all things!

 

You don't need someone else to validate your being ~ your exsistence, your Life.

 

Forget this azzhat! Your more evolved, more elevated than he is! He's simply not worthy of a woman of your spiritual growth and maturity. He's nothing but a clown, ~ a slave to sex, and some other spiritually less mature indivudual that believes that this life is nothing more than sex, and rock & roll!

[Gunny376]

I have tried everything...exercise I lost 90 pounds...growing up...dating...I tried it without success...and even loving myself...nothing has helped...I still feel lost...especially when I look at our daughter...how could he give her up? For a woman...

 

Because he's less evolved and mature as a spiritual being than you are.

[trippi1432]

I have tried everything...exercise I lost 90 pounds...growing up...dating...I tried it without success...and even loving myself...nothing has helped...I still feel lost...especially when I look at our daughter...how could he give her up? For a woman...

 

Aww Paige - Sweetie, I went through something very similar when my daughter was little and my first exH abandoned us. You aren't lost though, look at your daughter...that's not lost, that's purpose. The love and thoughts you give him, stop, give them to you and your daughter and know that better is always an option. In your mind, you know this is true. Focus on what you want for you and your daughter without him, focus on something better for the both of you.

 

I can tell you almost two decades later, my father recently said something similar to me when we were discussing life...he said that I don't harbor ill-will towards my first exH because I still loved him. Well, this is not really true. I forgave him because it simply was not worth my time and energy to dwell on. My life is mine and as hurtful as it was, I had to accept the fact that better was something I deserved. Do that for yourself now for you and your daughter, realize that there is something better out there and you do deserve it.

 

Hugs!

[Gunny376]

I forgave him because it simply was not worth my time and energy to dwell on. My life is mine and as hurtful as it was, I had to accept the fact that better was something I deserved. Do that for yourself now for you and your daughter, realize that there is something better out there and you do deserve it.

 

I don't know ~ I guess it just comes with time, age, like a fine wine?

 

Or maybe its just as simple of growing tired of dragging the same old dead

horse and saddle around with you everywhere you go! And having folks point at ya' and saying, "Did you know you're dragging a dead horse and saddle around with you everywhere you go?"

 

Life is just too freaking short! Back when I was doing some serious drinking? I lost my way, I lost my "center", I lost who I was and what I'm about? I quit giving a damn about anyone, or anybody! And that's just no way to live! Back then? I was hating life and just ~ pretty much anyone in it!

 

I live life on my terms now! I make no apolgizes for who nor what I am. I don't need the validation, approval of any man nor woman, ............................but I've got to admitt! When I make Mrs. Gunny happy!

It makes me happy! :love: :love:

 

And I told her! If God had made you any different than the way that he did, and your Moma and Daddy had raised you any different than the way they did? I wouldn't have ya!

 

At 51? Mrs Gunny ain't no Playboy Bunny! But she's my Playboy bunny! :love: :love:

 

And God willing?

 

She still will come twenty years from now when we're 71!

Edited February 14, 2013 by Gunny376

[Steadfast]

Loveshack...who else has felt like this?

 

That would be most everyone, I imagine. You've come to the right place to find people who understand how you feel. Most here have lost love.

 

Curious...when you say that you love him, what do you mean? Love is wide and varied. Is it physical desire? Emotional security? Did, or do you love how loving him made you feel about yourself? Love, on a grand or lesser scale also factors in respect. In that way, he deserves little to none. Your daughter is innocent. Love her like your own, because she is.

 

You cannot, or should not respect someone who promised to love, care and cherish you (and his family) then broke it. That's how I 'let go'. Overlooking that in the light emotion, hopes, dreams and dear memories is dangerously close to justifying it. It is disrespecting yourself. Can't do that.

 

You might always love him. Or the memory of him, with you. So what? How are humans expected to shut this off? I think it's frustrating to try, and continuing to try leads to conflict between the head and the heart.

 

At one time, I would look at my ex and still feel a strong physical attraction. That attraction was always there. She knew it too, and used it for her own gain. I simply added a new thought process when those emotions came, telling myself "She's no good for you. You can do better."

 

In time, that attraction faded in the face of pure logic. No thanks. Ever!

 

Keep posting. Turning your life around and becoming who you want to be takes time. The question: Do you really want that? If so, you will have it.

[GuyInLimbo]

Well, I'm not one to go with the spiritual stuff, as I think that can often be a crutch for people in emotional need and it never really gets to the core of what's wrong.

 

Weight loss is *not* finding yourself. Are you in therapy? Have you been? Do you know what your deep-seeded issues are? That's where you start. You say you tried "loving yourself" and that "didn't work," but I highly doubt you were ever in that place given how you are talking about your life.

 

You got completely sh*t on by someone. As a dad, I couldn't FATHOM ever, ever leaving my kids. Ever. It's why I've dragged out what I've needed to do for so many years (and doing it soon).

[Paige1377]

I think the thing I have struggled with most is not getting the closure. It was a very abrupt split, and since then my life has been a downhill battle. I did alot of things to improve. I taught myself I could be a single parent, raised my daughter on a meager salary without child support, am managing to put myself through school on top of that as well. I worked out, dated, went out with friends, grew as a person. Looking at who I am now in comparison as to who I was then is astonishing. I am such a stronger person, so much more alive and free and independent.

 

I think what I miss most about him is how it felt to have him around. I could confide anything to him, and I gave him a child. I didn't have a child just to give that up, I gave him a child b/c I loved him enough to do it. He was the one who even suggested it! Over all of the years we were together he fought for me, I tried to leave a couple of times but he always fought to keep me with him. And then suddenly I was nothing and so was my daughter.

 

The thing is I am not sure of why I am even holding onto these feelings. It could be that every guy I have dated has been a jerk and not worthy of myself or my daughter...or could be the fact I am just not ready to move on. It took me four years but I finally gave in to loving him unconditionally....with all of my heart, enough to give him a child when I never thought I would have a child.

 

I just know even now I have days where I cry, and miss him. We share custody of our daughter and he drives 12 hours just to see her for two or three days. It's moronic in my mind to waste all that time driving, and money just to get a couple of days when he could have her everyday. I think the one thing thing that haunts me the most is that I still don't feel good enough. This man is no way as attractive as me, in fact when we first got together I was embarassed to be seen in public with him. But after four years he became my everything and then when our daughter came that was my world.

 

I just can't seem to understand how he can meet someone, and then a month after meeting this woman suddenly give up on his family. He's connected to this other woman, I don't know him anymore. I am appreciative that he loves his daughter, b/c some men won't...but how could he just walk away from his family? That is what haunts me the most...how could you just walk away...and never look back?

 

What do you guys think?

[trippi1432]

Personally....I think you are doubting yourself, don't.

 

The worst harm you can do to yourself and your daughter is over-romanticizing someone who abandons you. He might drive 12 hours for his daughter, commendable....he should.

 

You, however, and your daughter...deserve something better.

[Jamie Sweeney]

Hello Paige. First off I would like to thank you for posting your issue here on this forum, it's not the easiest thing to open up to people like that but guess what...YOU DID ! and just by doing that alone shows you have the will to provide yourself and your daughter with a better outcome to your current situation.

 

For a man to simply just kick his wife and beautiful baby daughter out is just disgusting especially one who stood up for you,fought and in general protected from anyone who tried to harm his family, but in the end ended up being the very thing he was protecting you from which leaves me to believe that there is simply more to this than meets the eye.

 

There is no doubt in my mind that he obviously still has sentimental feelings towards you as well, meaning that he still loathes off of memories of his former family. In most cases this would be a good thing...however, for you it is not. The reason it's not a good thing is because he knows that you still love him and continues to manipulate,tease and feed off of the power that he knows he has over you.

 

People do this out of realization...realizing that what they once had is gone for good and is often a sign of pity but with your situation it could be that you have both led each other to believe that you simply don't want one another. For example: He knows you still love him but thinks that "even though she still loves me she will never take me back for what I've done" and therefor gives up on believing that there is a chance at all. And then there's you who believes " He does't love or want anything to do with me anymore" which isn't hard to see why you believe that. The other possibility is that he fears no matter how much good you guys put between you, that nothing will ever be the way it was.

 

No matter the reason one thing is clear, that there is a great lack of communication between you guys. He obviously had his reasons for doing what he did and if you are unaware of them then you simply deserve to know. Without these matters between you two being addressed the question of "why"..why me...what did I do wrong and so on will always haunt you, you owe it to yourself to at least understand "why" you think you're just dust in the wind..."why" things happened the way they did...but most importantly you owe it to yourself and your daughter to know that no matter what happens down the road, that you will always have each other,your family and don't need anything else.

 

The answer to your question is this...

 

You will never completely be able to let it go 100%, but you know what...that's just the way it is ! and it isn't at all a bad thing. Don't dwell on the bad instead keep reminding yourself of who you are, what you'll be in the future and what you can and will accomplish for your family.

 

And PLEASE believe me when I say that you are definitely NOT just trash to be thrown out ! You have a beautiful,amazing daughter that will always look up to you, and supportive family,friends and forumers (like me ) who wants the best for you.

 

Hope I have helped.

 

Best wishes:

Jamie Sweeney

[M30USA]

Well, I'm not one to go with the spiritual stuff, as I think that can often be a crutch for people in emotional need and it never really gets to the core of what's wrong.

 

Weight loss is *not* finding yourself. Are you in therapy? Have you been? Do you know what your deep-seeded issues are? That's where you start. You say you tried "loving yourself" and that "didn't work," but I highly doubt you were ever in that place given how you are talking about your life.

 

You got completely sh*t on by someone. As a dad, I couldn't FATHOM ever, ever leaving my kids. Ever. It's why I've dragged out what I've needed to do for so many years (and doing it soon).

 

My ex-wife told people that I kicked my family out of my home. Even her dad attempted to reprimand me for it (as if it actually happened). The truth is that my wife was arrested for assault and I had the kids temporarily. I then refused to reconcile with her since she clearly was not remorseful and--quite the opposite--blamed me for what she did. So she can tell people whatever she wants. It's classic distortion.

[Paige1377]

You guys I finally hit that point...a couple days ago my ex came to see his daughter, and he had bought some clothes for our daughter...when he left he didn't leave those clothes...and then it hit me...he hasn't grown at all...not a better person...at all...I have grown...he hasn't...he's the same person..and for the first time in a year and a half...I am not hurt...at all...haven't had any desire to contact him...and I am okay with that...I know I am finally over him...b/c that's what it took...knowing that he didn't take the break up as a chance to grow...only to be the same person...he's disgusting and I am so much happier without him...I am so excited...he will no longer haunt my dreams or my thoughts...b/c he's not a better person..he's the same person...I won't contact him ever again unless he contacts first over his daughter...awesome isn't it?

[trippi1432]

Indifference is great Paige. I think you have a very good head on your shoulders hun, and you can see right through him. I would agree with you, he hasn't grown. The clothes situation for your daughter indicates just how selfish he still is. My first exH pulled that one too but it didn't tell me anything I didn't already know by that time.

 

Time to live hun, you are working on more wonderful things in your life. Any love you gave him at all, give it right back to yourself and your daughter and focus on the life you want to live. (((Hugs!!)))

[Paige1377]

Two guys it's been a week and no contact from me to him or him to me...I have no desire anymore...this is what it's like to move on...loving it

[Kat R.]

Mystery~

Thank you for putting something into perspective for me. I wondered how I could still love this man that has cheated on me and hurt me. Answer-I don't I love the man I married not the prick who divorced me for some bimbo.

Still have tugs at my heart tho'...

[Mystery2Me]

Greetings Kat! You are most welcome...this is a messy business. You have the right for yourself to healthfully choose the truthful ending that brings you the most happiness and peaceful to the ending with respect to the ending of your marriage.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

~Mystery