Husband got another woman pregnant

[Lt. Living]

I need some feedback if any of you can relate, please. My husband and I separated for 7 months and we are back together again. There were already some major issues that I was dealing with - he is an alcoholic that can be verbally and physically abusive and he does not work. That is why I left after being with him for 5 years. But, I have let him back into my life believing that he is going to seek inpatient therapy. So, far - he has not but there are some issues that need to be worked out before he can be put in for up to 90 days. One of these issues is that he might possibly be the father of twins. He did live with another woman during the time that we were separated and he is not sure if they are his or not. They are due around Christmas. He has stated that he will financially support them but will not be a part of their lives because he wants to have a family with me and does not want to cause any more strain on our marriage. (We do not have any children.) I feel that I have pushed him to make this decision because I cannot deal with those children. A part of me hates him for what he did but another part of me does not want to keep him from his children, if they are his. I told him that I did not want to be with him if he chose to be in their lives, but I also do not want to keep him away from them. I do not think that I will ever be able to handle it. Before we split up, that is all I wanted - children. But, I would not get pregnant until he got sober. Now, I feel like he gave her eveything that I ever wanted. He tells me that he was only with her because she looked like me - and she does. He always told her that he was in love with me but she continued to stay. (I know this is true because my nephew lived with them and he heard it.) When he found out that she was pregnant - he kicked her out because she was supposed to have been on birth control. Right after that is when we reunited. Since I left him, he did start seeking counseling and he no longer physically hurts me. I do believe that he will go into inpatient and have hope for our marriage other than this issue. Any thoughts???

[Girlie]

As a single mother, I can only say that I think his decision to not be involved with his children (if they are his) is a poor one. And he will very likely regret it. But if he is indeed an alcoholic, it might be that his children will be better off without him. I don't mean to sound harsh. But the fact is, if he doesn't get better, he would likely turn to beating them just as he has you.

I know you're hurt and angry now and with good reason, but please, don't take your hurt out on these innocent children. It sounds like you resent their existence and understandly so. But they're going to need good parents. If your husband does get better, please do not deny them that. You may find that after you give yourself some time to heal, they will have a place in your heart (if they are his).

I know you believe he will get help and he will get better, but please be careful. I grew up with an alcoholic parent, and I can tell you that they've been sober off and on for years. But they never get "better." There is no cure. That's not to say that people don't get and stay sober. I've just found that the number who relapse again and again and again is quite high. Luckily my parent never beat anyone. If there is a relapse, that is something you will have to consider. He needs anger management counseling on top of alcoholics anonymous. Clearly. Please be careful.

Most of all, I would recommend counseling for YOU. He is not the only one who has a problem. If you would tolerate someone physically and verbally abusing you, you have some pretty serious issues that need to be dealt with. Make sure that you are getting the help that you need so that this will not happen to you again.

[mikeswife]

Hi! I'm kinda in the same boat.... My husband had an affair ( we were NOT split up like you were) and this girl says she's pregnant from this one night fling. What's a girl to do? My husband is a good guy who made a bad decision. Before this homewrecker came along ( she had her eye on my husband from day 1) My life was pie. Then came his lies, and her phone calls to torment me, and now that my husband and I have decided to work on our marriage, she's not making it easy. But what to do with this INNOCENT child.... who didn't ask to be brought into this mess??? If there is a baby (which I highly doubt because of all her lies) then we will welcome this child with open arms, my husband and I together. We have all intentions on fighting for custody if and when the time comes. The woman is a convicted felon on parole and still on parole at due date, She's called us from the bar a lot and drinks like a fish, smokes cigs & weed, and is psycho. Leave it to my husband to get us mixed up in some **** like this. Well I can't tell you what to do in your situation because they are all different... but it is NOT the child's fault, and if you have issues with that, then you need to let this man go. Under no circumstances should you two be together and him have shared parenting with her.... that's too much of a risk. I suggest acting as if the children were from a previous relationship...ie: you would be "stepmom".... and see how that goes. All parties have to be mature about this whole situation.

[Lt. Living]

Thank You Girlie and Mikeswife for taking the time to share your outlook on my situation. It is really helpful for me to hear your input because you are not seeing this with blinders on and I know that I am.

 

Girlie - I totally agree with you about the children being innocent. In the beginning, I actualy told him that I would love to be their stepmom. At that time, the idea of having children was a wonderful feeling. But, that changed real fast. I went through the biggest turmoil that I have ever experienced. I dealt with it emotionally for about a month and my emotions were a tornado! One moment, I wanted them. The next, I was having the most disgusting thoughts about how I hoped something would happen to her and the children. (My thoughts were almost demonic and very scary because I am not an evil person.) So, when the tornado finally passed by, my final decision was that I do not want to be caught in a "love triangle" and I believe that the children would have a better life if they were not caught up in that too. What kind of a life would it be for the children to bounce from my home to hers? Their "Dad" only used their mother for comfort and warmth. And, I am afraid that I will have animosity with them and him. I will not put them through that or him either. The children deserve a loving and stable environment. As far as his soberness - I thank you for helping me understand that this will be a lifetime battle and will not just disappear with a one time inpatient process. But, I am willing to stand by him as long as he continues to try! And, we do plan on seeking counseling as soon as financially we are able to. Thanks again and take care.

 

Mikeswife - You are a very strong woman! There are many similarities with our situations but I must say that I think yours sounds tougher because I was separated. I am sorry that you are going through this, too. It amazes me that you seem to take this all so easily. How is that possible? How long ago did this happen to you? When is the child born? My husband and I have only been reunited for 2 1/2 months now and everything is still very fresh for me. I wish that the mother of these children was a "bad" person because it would definately be easier knowing that I could fight to take them away from her. But, unfortunately, she is not. If anything, my alcoholic husband is the "bad" one. How will you be able to handle seeing "the home wrecker" every time that you pick up the child? How will you be able to handle your husband and her talking on the phone and seeing each other al the time? How will you be able to handle holding that child and knowing that it came from the middle of your marriage with another woman? How will you be able to handle loving another woman's child? He/She will not look like you - but like her. I just don't think that I am strong enough to do it!!! I believe that I am mature enough to realize this and not put those children through a "hell" that is not necessary. Thanks for sharing your story with me and helping me through this!

[mikeswife]

You bring up some good points.... this is all very fresh to me... she's 7 weeks pregnant. I don't know how i'm going to deal with this once the baby is born but i've got 8 months to figure it out. Right now my husband and I are working on building our relationship back up so we can be strong for his child. I think I am making this look too easy to some people. I can be a good actor. I am dying inside most of the time. When I think about the fact that this is his firstborn child and that is something that should be shared between US. I don't have any children. The fact that our 3rd anniversary is next week has me emotional too. I figure it wouldn't do any good if I went and beat her ass because jailtime on my part wouldn't be good for a custody battle. My husband is not a bad person. He made a mistake. A HUGE one, but a mistake nonetheless. There hasn't been any incidents besides this one with other women so it's not a pattern of behavior. He created a web of lies to hide what he did, and I saw right through them. I think I just will look at this baby like its an innocent bystander, like myself. We already have something in common. I am staying with my husband because I believe our marriage is stronger than this. I already think that our communication is 10x better than it ever was at a good point in our marriage. I have learned to be calm and listen and not get angry, and he has learned to share and answer my questions honestly.

 

We are working on renewing our commitment to each other and our future together, building trust from the basement up, and learning how to be a couple again. Its very hard to realize the man you love isn't the man you thought you knew at all. He's a whole other person with secrets, dreams, regrets, and he's not as perfect as I thought he was.

 

The minute he gives me proof that suggests he wants to be with her or that the affair is not over, I am gone. I can't go through this again. I can't go past the baby section at any store without almost bursting into tears. That is SUPPOSED TO BE US. Not You and HER. It hurts a lot. I think that in time I can learn to love the baby because its part of him. I want us to take an active role in parenting together, because I grew up without a dad, and I don't want that for his child. Every child needs loving parents, this one will have an extra. I don't know how SHE will deal with it all though.... He will never go to her house alone to pick up the child.... She will have to see ME all the time.... She will have to live with the fact that She may have had his child, but I have his heart. That's what I tell myself to be strong on my weaker days. Well I hope this helps. Stay strong and good luck!

[Lt. Living]

You are such a strong woman Mikeswife and I do admire that. Your kind words and advice mean a lot to me. It helps to know that I am not the only cursed woman that is experiencing this pain. I did find your post and read over it. There are many things that were discussed that really hit to home.

 

I totally agree with you that my husband also made a mistake. I have forgiven him for this but I cannot live with the mistake for the rest of my life. (I am not speaking of the children but of the fact that they were even conceived before we were divorced.) The children are innocent and do not deserve to be caught in the middle. I personally will not be able to tolerate loving his "bastard" children. Yes, it's horrible but it's what I feel. They were conceived in the middle of my marriage. I will not be able to tolerate them looking like her AND him. I will not be able to tolerate dealing with her. I am not strong enough to do this.

 

Deep down inside - I wish I was because I do love children and know that they deserve the best. But, the main question that I ask myself - Would I be able to provide them with the best?? I truly do not believe that I could overcome my anger, disgust and hatred in order to do that.

 

I haven't been to counseling yet and that might help me emotionally but it won't change my mind about my final decision. Currently, my husband is on an emotional roller coaster. One week he is perfectly fine and then the next, he's ready to leave me because he wants to be a responsible father to his twins. (I will not believe they are his until it is proven.) I am not holding him back if he really wants to leave. He always changes his mind though and says he wants to be with me. I will keep you updated and hope to hear from you for your updates. Thanks Again!

[Alone & Confused]

Hi Mikeswife...

 

I was so moved by your strength and wisdom as far as your situation is concerned. I'm in a very similar situation where I my boyfriend of over 6 years had a one night stand with this girl who has been pushing up on him for a longtime now, which is no excuse for his actions however we also found out that the girl became pregnant and claims that my boyfriend is the father...but I wanted to give you an idea of the bigger picture at hand. Around the summer of 2002, me and my boyfriend had broken up simply over the fact that he hadn't started to get his life together...Once the summer ended and I returned back to school from a summer in Rhode Island to NYC which is where he lives also, around the second week of October his one and only brother was shot and killed at his mother's home...This tragic incident automatically prompted us to get back together because life is simply too short and it could have easily been him had he been home at the time...

 

well anyway, so through that incident we get back together. However, apparently during the time that we were apart he hooked up with this girl and she became somewhat obsessed with him or thought that they were in a relationship or something....so by the time the funeral comes around he tells her that I'm back in the picture and as a matter of fact she had wanted to come to the funeral and he told her no because I would be present and there was nothing between them for her to be there...but she continued to be around because during the time that we had been apart she became friends with his cousin who started living at the house since his brother was killed...so now fast forward to the time after the brother was killed we get back to together and everything is going well. I graduate college and end up moving back to RI (mind you....the time that i was going to school in NYC I never came across the girl or anything at all--just friendship cards that she would send him which i thought nothing of because in the cards she made it clear that she was his friend, so i thought nothing of them)...

 

So I move to RI and my boyfriend had made the decision that he was going to move to RI in the fall also, to start a new life for himself so that was that and everything is going well and all of a sudden just before he's about to move to RI, the night before Thanksgiving I get a phone call from this girl telling me that she has had a relationship with my boyfriend for the last year and a half and that she was a month pregnant with his child...she knew all this obsessive information about me that I had just graduated, the company I was working for, the fact that I had just bought a new house in Ri and a lot of detailed information about me which was really scary and I mean, the girl could'e literally killed me if I was walking down the street and I would not know who she was....

 

So as you can imagine my Thanksgiving 2003 was ruined and the next day I drove to NYC to sort things out...Once I arrived in NYC I met up with the girl and we both went together to my boyfriend's house and confronted him and believe me I'm surprised that the cops didn't show up because it was an ugly situation...During the encounter she showed me pictures of them together the summer before when me and him weren't together...but even the pictures were questionable and I didn't see any pictures of them after we got back together--because it seemed like she took pictures anytime they were together...I still don't really understand her motives and why she had to get me involved you know...but anyway, after that encounter I never heard from her, my boyfriend ended up moving to RI and his explanation was that yes he had slept with her and it was only once and that was during the summer when we weren't together....

 

So now my boyfriend's in RI and everything is going well until about three weeks ago out of nowhere she starts calling saying that the child has been born and its time for my boyfirnd to step up to the plate and support his child...and i'm like well why is he just now hearing from you and why are you just demanding things like out of nowhere...So my boyfriend finally confesses that he had sex with her twice, once during the summer when we weren't together and the second time just before he moved to RI...however he made it clear to me that it was a one night thing because the girl was pushing up on him that night and he was alone because I had moved back to RI and he just made a mistake etc...now the other piece about this scenario is that it seems like the girl continued to conspire with my boyfriends cousin to get information about him and me because she only came around because she was friends with the cousin...

 

but anyway, the other day actually Labor Day weekend, i go to his mother's house in new York for the weekend and I find pictures of what I believe is the child which in my eyes somewhat resembles my boyfriend so I already have a feeling that the child is his...but I just don't know what to do...Should I support him because he knows that he made a mistake and what should i think about the girl and her intentions...I'm just so confused...at this time I need to be myself to sort things out and so i plan to break-up with him until I find peace with the situation but it's been really hard especially because he's just moved out here and started to make some serious changes in his life so I don't know what to do...I mean I'm so alone and confused and I wish that someone could help me out with this situation ....I just feel like I'm about to lose it...If there's anyone that can help...Please do

[Bittersweet22]

I'm engaged to what I thought was a wonderful man. He cheated on me with his son's mother and got her pregnant. He didn't tell me till several months after the fact, by that time I was pregnant. 2 weeks after hearing the news I had a miscarriage and SHE has her baby from him. Everyone seems to be so excited over the new baby and I am dying inside. I can't hear this baby's name or hear his cry without dying inside. My fiance was not sympathetic at all for the loss of our child and that hurts incredibily but I can't seem to leave him, but I am getting tired of feeling this way.

 

What I don't understand is, why do men have great relationships and feel the need to cheat? He claims he doesn't know why he cheated, I feel that's a lie. I don't trust him very much. I don't know how I'm going to be able to deal.

[Lt. Living]

Hi all. I thought it was time to let everyone know what happened in my situation. I gave him the chance and he destroyed me, again, for the last and final time. We went through some really hard trials and tribulations - which really means a lot of arguing a fighting. Our communication skills no longer existed. He did not go into rehab to get help and I had finally had it after three months. I kicked him out and told him that I couldn't take the mental strain anymore.

 

So, he ended up in a hotel and we continued to try to work things out, or so I thought. I discovered after letting him come back home after a week of some quiet time that he had not only been "wooing" me but also the other woman, too.

 

I did speak with her on the phone and found out that he was lying to both of us. He was telling her that it was over between us and me the opposite. Many of the things that he said to me during that week were the exactsame things that he told her. I used to really be angry at her until this point but I finally saw that she is just as innocent as me. She told me that she was sorry that she ended up being the other woman and she did not know that we had any posibility of reconciling. I really feel sorry for her now. (Funny how that happened.) She is only 21 and these twins are her first children. He is 34 and a full blown alcoholic, cheater, abuser and pathological liar. I told her to call me anytime.

 

Now, I am off to be tested for STD's and get some therapy. I am so hurt right now but at least I have a clear conscience that I gave it my best and was honest about my feelings. I know that there is someone so much better out there for me and maybe in 50 years - I might try that!