A marriage without passion...

[Pinchbabycheeks]

So my issue in my marriage is this... It has always lacked passion. We have been together 10 years and have three daughters. I consider myself an emotional person and he has never brought out the emotion in me. I will be the first person to tell you that he is a great guy. He is a good husband and a good father. I think I still love him but I don't think I have been in love with him for years. I think of him more as a friend and a roommate at this point.

When I say it lacks passion I should explain. He doesn't make me cry, he doesn't make me mad, he doesn't make me laugh and he doesn't make me happy.. He doesnt challenge me emotionally or my way of thinking. All of these feelings have been there since the beginning for me but I have only recently made him aware of how I felt. My confession hit him like a bomb. I guess I've been very good at hiding it all these years. But the fact is that I haven't been truly happy in my marriage for a long time and confessing to him how I felt was a huge step for me.

In the beginning of our marriage I wanted to ask for a divorce, but I thought it would be unfair to him to give up so easily because he is a good person. So I kept it to myself. Once we started a family the lack of feelings for him got easier to ignore. Who has time to focus on that when you are raising three daughters? Now 10 years in, I just can't ignore it anymore. My biggest concern is that I can't be a good mother if I'm not truly happy. And I obviously can't be a good wife.

On top of the lack of emotional passion, I am no longer physically attracted to him either. I confess that the physical attraction was gone for me before we even got married. Sex to me has become more of an obligation. I don't enjoy it at all.

The hardest thing in all of this, beside our three girls, is that he is still desperately in love with me. And he still finds me as physically attractive as the day we met. I know that a divorce would crush him. We decided that I would seek individual counseling to work on my issues and then maybe progress to marriage counseling. After telling him all of this the only promise I made to him is that I would try. I couldn't promise I would stay and I couldn't promise I would leave. Anyone who has some insight would be would be greatly appreciated.

[mitchell]

You sound like the one with "issues" here. You married someone you were not attracted to and now, over 10 years and 3 children later have decided you can't take it any more?

 

I applaud your decision to get some individual counseling. I feel sorry for your husband.

[Mr. Lucky]

I applaud your decision to get some individual counseling. I feel sorry for your husband.

Amen on both. Pinchbabycheeks, what have to done to create passion in your marriage? What interests have you developed with your H to promote a common enjoyment of life?

 

Happiness isn't something our partner delivers to us like a pizza order. A strong marriage is the product, happiness is simply a result.

 

And I'm not even going to comment on the emotional deception involved in marrying a man you didn't love "since the beginning", taking 10 years from his life, anchoring him with 3 children and then blindsiding him with this! It's less a bomb and more a gut-wrenching dismemberment...

 

Mr. Lucky

[pteromom]

I consider myself an emotional person and he has never brought out the emotion in me.

 

When I say it lacks passion I should explain. He doesn't make me cry, he doesn't make me mad, he doesn't make me laugh and he doesn't make me happy.. He doesnt challenge me emotionally or my way of thinking.

 

Is any of this really his responsibility though? He isn't responsible for making you happy.

 

If you want to be challenged emotionally, volunteer in a women's shelter or children's hospital. If you want to challenge your way of thinking, take a philosophy course.

 

If you want to cry, watch sad movies. If you want to be mad, watch the news. If you want to laugh and be happy, hang out with friends who make you laugh and do the things in your life that make you happy.

 

My point is - it is not your husband's responsibility to bring meaning and purpose and challenge to YOUR life.

 

I think if you wake yourself up and start investing more in your growth, you just might find that you are appreciative of a no-drama husband.

[Pinchbabycheeks]

I realize I am the one with the issues. I have said to my husband that I know for sure that I am unhappy. What I don't know for sure is if he is the reason. Perhaps he is the one catching the **** because he is the closest target. Not saying that's right either. Since our first daughter was born I have been a stay-at-home mom. I am grateful that my husbands job has allowed me to do this. However, it was never a job I planned to do forever. Now that our girls are a bit older I am back in school pursuing my RN degree and have about a year left. (Talk about being challenged eveyday). While this has brought a great deal of meaning and happiness into my life. There is still something missing. I can only assume that it is something to do with my husband. I'm hoping therapy will help me explore my issues and help me to find a happy place in my life. Weather that happy place will include my husband will remain to be seen.

[pteromom]

I think therapy is a really good idea.

 

You say there is something missing, and you just assume it has something to do with him.

 

But I don't know that it's necessarily true. As children get older, it is really normal for moms, *especially* SAHMs, to kinda lose themselves. They have been defined as Mom, and now that their children don't need them as much, they are left not knowing who they are.

 

It's great that you are pursuing a career. I think you need to put a lot of thought into what your perfect life would look like and start making your life what you want it to be. Friends, hobbies, etc.

 

And your husband too - you may not know whether you want to stay married long-term, but you owe it to your family to give it a real shot. Now that your children are older, you guys can have date night. Go on hotel weekends. Spend some time dating and reinvesting in each other and see if you can build something or not.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I realize I am the one with the issues. I have said to my husband that I know for sure that I am unhappy. What I don't know for sure is if he is the reason. Perhaps he is the one catching the **** because he is the closest target. Not saying that's right either. Since our first daughter was born I have been a stay-at-home mom. I am grateful that my husbands job has allowed me to do this. However, it was never a job I planned to do forever. Now that our girls are a bit older I am back in school pursuing my RN degree and have about a year left. (Talk about being challenged eveyday). While this has brought a great deal of meaning and happiness into my life. There is still something missing. I can only assume that it is something to do with my husband. I'm hoping therapy will help me explore my issues and help me to find a happy place in my life. Weather that happy place will include my husband will remain to be seen.

 

And everyone so far is saying to assume it's to do with you. Every single day I see women posting pics on facebook with the caption of "Happiness Comes from Within", "Only you can make you happy", etc. Hopefully you truly use therapy as a way to look within instead of finding a way to blame your spouse.

 

If you sense bitterness, its because my wife spent 3 months in therapy figuring out how to blame her affair on me, all the while lying about what she actually did. I was playing along until it all came crashing down when I discovered the true extent of her betrayal.

[Ninja'sHusband]

That is exactly what he is.

 

You said you considered divorce but didn't because it "wouldn't have been fair to him." Do you think it's fair to him that he doesn't have someone who loves him with every ounce of their being? Who's entire day brightens when he comes home and can't wait to be with him?

 

Do you think it's fair to you that you don't feel that way towards him?

 

And do you think it's ok that your daughter's will grow up thinking that friendship/roomate spouses are the norm? It's not.

 

There is a quote that says the Love is friendship set on fire... and it really is. All love should have deep roots set in friendship, but love needs the fire that passionate emotions bring to it too, otherwise, you have exactly what you described, roomates and friends.

 

Eventually one of you will feel it's not enough and while you didn't mention it, eventually you will probably look somewhere else for a spark or some passion... and if you don't, he will because deep down he senses that you don't feel that. You said he knows you are unhappy. Trust me, that's bugging him whether he says it or not and he doesn't want to feel like he's letting you down in some way and he's going to want to NOT feel that way.

 

While you still have a friendship, I recommend the two of you decide together if what you don't all deserve more than what you have. You can co-parent beautifully together if you have mutual caring, respect and friendship, but you both should have someone that really loves you the way a person deserves to be loved.

 

I wouldn't recommend a split if your post had said you ever felt it for him, but you state you didn't. Even if you don't think you deserve more, he does. Your daughters deserve a better blueprint for future relationships as well.

Or now that she's finally come out with the truth they can actually work on the marriage. Marriages take work, all of them.

[Pinchbabycheeks]

Most of the things LFH is saying have already been said. I have told my husband that he deserves to be with someone who loves him. And I deserve the same. Divorcee is never ideal when there are children involved, but having a happy parent is not ideal either. The best I can do for my husband and girls is to try. Really try. If our marriage survives then i think it will be that much stronger. But I refuse to force something that doesn't fit

[Pinchbabycheeks]

I meant that to say: having an unhappy parent is not ideal*

[Jabba]

So my issue in my marriage is this... It has always lacked passion.

 

Confession, as an experiment, I have only read the first sentence of the first post. I will go back and read the whole thing, but I first want to make a prediction based on only reading the first sentence that the OP is cheating on her husband or seriously thinking about it.

 

So let me go back and we'll see if I have a clue...

 

Returned...

 

OK no admission that she is cheating but all the red flags are right there, so pinchbaby cheeks, time to fess up, are you seeing another man? Flirting? Got your eye on someone?

 

Probably someone you met at nursing school?

 

Come now, no one can give you proper advice unless you're completely honest, don't worry, it's anonymous here.

Edited February 14, 2013 by Jabba

[Jabba]

I confess that the physical attraction was gone for me before we even got married.

 

Either you are re-writing the marital history (another red flag of an affair) or you basically have been lying to your husband for the entire marriage and essentially defrauded him into marrying you, since you obviously never actually honestly told him you weren't attracted to him. So that's another red flag because if you could lie to your husband about this for the whole marriage you'd lie to him about anything.

 

So you never ever enjoyed sex with your husband and faked every orgasm? Did you have to keep your eyes shut tight and fantasize about other men during sex too?

 

Did you marry the husband you didn't really love for financial security?

 

Well you are getting plenty of support here but what you did to your poor husband is rather fiendish (although surprisingly rather frequent) even if you didn't cheat.

 

Might as well tell the truth about that, no one is hardly going to think any less of you dear.

[Jabba]

So my issue in my marriage is this... It has always lacked passion. We have been together 10 years and have three daughters. I consider myself an emotional person and he has never brought out the emotion in me. I will be the first person to tell you that he is a great guy. He is a good husband and a good father. I think I still love him but I don't think I have been in love with him for years. I think of him more as a friend and a roommate at this point.

When I say it lacks passion I should explain. He doesn't make me cry, he doesn't make me mad, he doesn't make me laugh and he doesn't make me happy.. He doesnt challenge me emotionally or my way of thinking. All of these feelings have been there since the beginning for me but I have only recently made him aware of how I felt. My confession hit him like a bomb. I guess I've been very good at hiding it all these years. But the fact is that I haven't been truly happy in my marriage for a long time and confessing to him how I felt was a huge step for me.

In the beginning of our marriage I wanted to ask for a divorce, but I thought it would be unfair to him to give up so easily because he is a good person. So I kept it to myself. Once we started a family the lack of feelings for him got easier to ignore. Who has time to focus on that when you are raising three daughters? Now 10 years in, I just can't ignore it anymore. My biggest concern is that I can't be a good mother if I'm not truly happy. And I obviously can't be a good wife.

On top of the lack of emotional passion, I am no longer physically attracted to him either. I confess that the physical attraction was gone for me before we even got married. Sex to me has become more of an obligation. I don't enjoy it at all.

The hardest thing in all of this, beside our three girls, is that he is still desperately in love with me. And he still finds me as physically attractive as the day we met. I know that a divorce would crush him. We decided that I would seek individual counseling to work on my issues and then maybe progress to marriage counseling. After telling him all of this the only promise I made to him is that I would try. I couldn't promise I would stay and I couldn't promise I would leave. Anyone who has some insight would be would be greatly appreciated.

 

Wow there are more cheater red flags in this post then are flying at the Kremlin on May Day.

 

In fact if I had to guess I'd say we got ourselves a serial cheater and who knows if the children are even his.

[Ninja'sHusband]

You think she should try and make a marriage work with someone she never really loved?

I am a FIRM proponent that marriages take a ton of work and everyone needs to be fully on board and willing to make that committment, but how do you "resurrect" something that was never there to begin with?

Let's rephrase that again.

 

Do I think she should honor her wedding vows "till death do us part", to preserve a ten year relationship, to keep her children's parents together in one family? Absolutely. I have little respect for people who pay no regard to the integrity of family or wedding vows.

[Mr. Lucky]

I actually think he deserves better than to be with someone that doesn't really love him. I think he deserves the opportunity to live a full life with someone who does love him with everything that a new partner may have to give, and you think he should stay with someone who never should have married him?

I wonder if the OP's current state of mind and colored outlook is causing her to revise history and ignore the feelings she once had for her H and father of her 3 kids? IC may show her that she doesn't love him because right now she's not capable of loving anybody. So perhaps, if she can work through her issues (which sound like depression to me), she may find some value - companionship, shared history, consideration and maybe love - in this relationship she seems determined to throw away.

 

OP, now happily married 25 years, I don't know that I feel "chemistry" with my wife. What I do feel is respect, affection, trust, regard and love for her. None easily given but all well earned. You may be on the verge of doing something you'll spend the rest of your life regretting. Your H sounds like a good man, a commodity not so easily found these days...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Pinchbabycheeks]

Wow there are more cheater red flags in this post then are flying at the Kremlin on May Day.

 

In fact if I had to guess I'd say we got ourselves a serial cheater and who knows if the children are even his.

 

Ok. So a very small part of what you are saying is true. I am NOT a serial cheater and all three of our daughters are his. In fact I have never had a physical affair. I did, however, have one emotional affair that is now over. And very short lived. I'm not saying its not relevant to my marriage problems. But it is over with the other guy and my husband knows all about it.

My feelings, or lack of feelings, toward my husband were there long before the affair ever happened. My husband knows this as well. I decided after the affair ended that it was no longer fair to me or my husband to hide what I was feeling. Affairs of any type don't happen in good marriages, in my opinion. And there is obviously something missing from my marriage for me to go out and get emotionally involved with someone else. I decided it was time to be honest with my husband.

I did not marry him for his financial success. In fact 10 years in he has a good job and can support a family of five but we do not have a lot of financial freedom.

I should have mentioned it in an earlier post but I didn't because I'm trying not to focus on it. My focus is to see if my marriage can be saved or of we would be happier going our separate ways. So now that the whole truth is out, let's hear it...

[Darth Vader]

Originally Posted by Jabba

Wow there are more cheater red flags in this post then are flying at the Kremlin on May Day.

 

In fact if I had to guess I'd say we got ourselves a serial cheater and who knows if the children are even his.

Ok. So a very small part of what you are saying is true. I am NOT a serial cheater and all three of our daughters are his. In fact I have never had a physical affair. I did, however, have one emotional affair that is now over. And very short lived. I'm not saying its not relevant to my marriage problems. But it is over with the other guy and my husband knows all about it.

My feelings, or lack of feelings, toward my husband were there long before the affair ever happened. My husband knows this as well. I decided after the affair ended that it was no longer fair to me or my husband to hide what I was feeling. Affairs of any type don't happen in good marriages, in my opinion. And there is obviously something missing from my marriage for me to go out and get emotionally involved with someone else. I decided it was time to be honest with my husband.

I did not marry him for his financial success. In fact 10 years in he has a good job and can support a family of five but we do not have a lot of financial freedom.

I should have mentioned it in an earlier post but I didn't because I'm trying not to focus on it. My focus is to see if my marriage can be saved or of we would be happier going our separate ways. So now that the whole truth is out, let's hear it...

 

This deserves a bump!

 

Lady, do you understand you are Primed for a PA? All it takes now is for the right set of circumstances to come along to entice you to ride another man!

 

BTW, I'd stay away from any booze if I were you, as that would lower your inhibitions and you do something you want to do with another man. I know it doesn't seem like it, but, it's there subconsciously, just waiting. You two had better get to marriage counseling and quickly!

Edited February 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Quiet Storm]

The dog you feed more is the one that gets bigger.

[Ninja'sHusband]

That's sad actually. I actually think he deserves better than to be with someone that doesn't really love him. I think he deserves the opportunity to live a full life with someone who does love him with everything that a new partner may have to give, and you think he should stay with someone who never should have married him?

He deserves a choice. This is about her leaving or not , not him. Maybe he can make changes too now that he knows there's something wrong.

Of course... if the OP really DID feel that way at one time, then she should try with her full committment before she gives up, but if she's gonna give it a lackluster shot, what's the point? She'll cheat eventually, or he will ... all the flags are there already, and then there's all that to deal with too, right now they like each other enoguh to be civil and probably to raise their children in a way that would let them effectively co-parent and not destroy one another or their kids in the process.

She should try before giving up, that's all I'm saying. She just now came clean with him it sounds like. Give the guy a chance.

No, people don't take marriage as seriously as they should sometimes but wouldn't being honest and leaving, making postiive steps instead of living a dishonest life like it will eventuallyb ecome? Especially since she claims to be a passionate person

 

I'm not trying to be snide when I say this, but honestly I sometimes wonder if there is pleasing some of the people on this forum... if she stays I'd put money on her cheating on him within a year. In fact, someone write that down so that next Feb I get a check in the mail!

 

I encouraged her to do a much more honorable thing.

We can agree to disagree on what is more honorable. I say honoring your family and wedding vows is honorable. Through good times and bad.

 

People make arranged marriages work all the time. She can make at least make an honest attempt to make it worth with the man she CHOSE and has already spent 10 years with + kids.

 

You are right that noone can please everyone on these forums. You can't please them all. You should realize that before reading anything, making a single post. You certainly won't please a BH and an OW at the same time.

Edited February 14, 2013 by Ninja'sHusband

[Pinchbabycheeks]

This deserves a bump!

 

Lady, do you understand you are Primed for a PA? All it takes now is for the right set of circumstances to come along to entice you to ride another man!

 

BTW, I'd stay away from any booze if I were you, as that would lower your inhibitions and you do something you want to do with another man. I know it doesn't seem like it, but, it's there subconsciously, just waiting. You two had better get to marriage counseling and quickly!

 

If you think I don't realize all of this.. I do. It is the exact reason the emotional affair was ended and why I confessed everything to my husband.

[Pinchbabycheeks]

So your husband is aware you never really had any passion for him and wants to stay with you anyway?

 

Is he at all angry with you for the deception?

 

Just curious.

 

He is angry and hurt. No doubt about that. But he says he still loves me and he wants to work things out. For our daughters if nothing else.

[coldndistant]

Obviously, she shouldn't have gotten married in the first place if she didn't think he was a near perfect match to begin with, but these circumstances suck.

 

Sometimes if it isn't working, it really isn't working. I am sure after three children she really doesn't want to turn him away and find someone else. I don't think there are any easy answers here.

 

I do think she owes it to this man and her children, to give it all she has. And really give it all she has. Buy the love dare book, seek counseling, and sometimes the right answer is to stay.

 

I would advise that you stay at all costs. I don't think it wise to leave with three children. Would you really be more happy alone with three kids? Would you forever regret breaking the family up? What does the other side look like? What about your marriage vows?

 

Then again I understand it just isn't working and you really aren't happy.

 

I think you should be really careful. I almost feel like some unfulfillment maybe worth raising a family with a good guy. I don't know. Be damn sure you give it all you got before walking away.

[Kaza]

I should have mentioned it in an earlier post but I didn't because I'm trying not to focus on it. My focus is to see if my marriage can be saved or of we would be happier going our separate ways. So now that the whole truth is out, let's hear it...

 

I recently read a book, and so this is the book's opinion that you can fall back in love. I don't know much about if you had very little passion to start with. But I mean surely there is that little bit, otherwise you wouldn't have got married? Anyway, the idea was that you can recreate that in love feelings by acting in love, things like gazing into each others' eyes, doing nice special things for each other, sending a lovely text message, sharing a full conversation about each others' day, without skipping any of the little details you think he/she is not interested in it.

[Absewarrior]

Pinchbabycheeks:

You left this marriage a long time ago...now all you have to do is pack bags and give him closure. All kids are better off being from a broken home rather than in one as long as the parents can co-parent with respect and kindness. Living with an unhappy parent is hell...I know from experience.

Love isn't something you fall in and out of...it is something you do. If you no longer want to love and show love to your H he is better of without you. Passion isn't mandatory in a marriage, but it is imperative in a joyful marriage.

Therapy for you and your family would be ideal as you go through this transition. Make sure your daughters have a schedule and both of you keep your promises and your word every single day of their childhoods.

You will be okay. People who stay stuck in loveless marriages must have much regret in the end. You only have one life....your spouse only has one life. Children are resiliant and if you agree to raise them together amicably, they will grow up to be well-adjusted young ladies.

AW

[whatever1]

Sorry can't agree. Even after divorce you will still have to deal with your ex for many years to come and sometimes over very unpleasant situations were you can't agree. My brother in the law, the sweetest guy in the world, is constantly being manipulated and harassed by his ex over their two kids from anything such as a new cell phone to anger issues to college tuition. Also the two kids use the split situation to manipulate their parents against each other. My brother in law told me don't ever get divorced in that this situation is a living hell worse than when they were together. Try to find some way to stay together.

 

Pinchbabycheeks:

You left this marriage a long time ago...now all you have to do is pack bags and give him closure. All kids are better off being from a broken home rather than in one as long as the parents can co-parent with respect and kindness. Living with an unhappy parent is hell...I know from experience.

Love isn't something you fall in and out of...it is something you do. If you no longer want to love and show love to your H he is better of without you. Passion isn't mandatory in a marriage, but it is imperative in a joyful marriage.

Therapy for you and your family would be ideal as you go through this transition. Make sure your daughters have a schedule and both of you keep your promises and your word every single day of their childhoods.

You will be okay. People who stay stuck in loveless marriages must have much regret in the end. You only have one life....your spouse only has one life. Children are resiliant and if you agree to raise them together amicably, they will grow up to be well-adjusted young ladies.

AW