Son is cheating

[eleanorrigby]

My son is 21 and has a girlfriend who is 18. They've been together for about 9 months and he's cheating on her.

 

My daughter told his girlfriend that he had cheated on her a few months ago, but the girlfriend didn't break up with him.

 

She's been calling here a lot looking for my son (he doesn't live here, he lives about 3 miles from our house but only a few doors down from his girlfriend)

 

My son has been coming over here to visit, I tell him his girlfriend is looking for him, is calling the house all the time, and he tells me not to answer if she calls. I asked him why he didn't just break up with her if he (apparently) does not even like her anymore. He just tells me that he does love her, blah blah blah.

 

An hour ago my sons girlfriend called our house crying, she's looking for my son, he won't call her, he's at this other girls house and when she called there the girl the other girl just hangs up on her. I started giving her my version of the advice we give on the forum.

 

I told her he's not going to stop until she puts her foot down, etc. and that honestly she should just tell him to "get f*cked!" and break up with him. She just started crying harder and said "I can't do that" "I love him".

 

She's going through what I went through, my son is doing it to her and I don't know how to deal with this. It's like he picked a girl just like me. Someone who will take a lot of sh*t for a looonnnng time hoping that things will get better. Things did get better in my situation, but I don't think it's common.

 

I called the OG's house a while ago and left a message for her to have my son call home if she see's him. (I'm sure she will, he's with her all the time instead of his girlfriend lately)

 

I'm just pissed right now! I'm feeling this girls pain, I'm remembering mine and my son is looking like a piece of sh*t to me right now.

 

I want to tell my son not to call here or visit until he either breaks up with this girl or starts treating her right. (also to never bring OG around the house, she's on my sh*t list)

 

I don't know what else I can or should do in this situation.

[TigerCub]

Wow!

 

I'm so sorry that you're in this position and not really being able to do that much about it. I can't even imagine what that is like for you.

I can certainly understand your disappointment in your son.

 

As for what you should do - What about sitting him down and having an honest conversation with him, about how he's not acting like the man you know you raised him to be. How about talking about how this reminds you of your affair situation and and how what he's doing to this girl is like what you've gone through.

 

I would imagine that as jerky as a person can act - it puts things in a different perspective when they think of how similar actions have hurt a person they love.

 

***HUGS***

[Keenly]

You seem to be injecting yourself into your sons romantic relationships because you are seeing things that happened to you. Take it from a son, as a mom you do not want to get involved in this kind of thing. Your son will view it as taking sides, and its sure as hell not his side you are taking. It's going to alienate you.

 

Do not meddle in your sons personal life.

[carhill]

I don't know what else I can or should do in this situation.

 

Block the GF's phone number and inform son that he's aware of your opinion and no more will be said on the matter. He's a man, living independently. He gets to enjoy man consequences, which don't include embroiling his parents in his drama, even incidentally. The young lady is presumably of majority, so she can accept the consequences of her choices too.

[BetrayedH]

I think he needs a seriously heavy dose of disappointed Mom. Sit his ass down until you're done talking to him.

[Keenly]

I think he needs a seriously heavy dose of disappointed Mom. Sit his ass down until you're done talking to him.

 

He's an adult.... dissapointed moms don't manipulate their sons through guilt and vicarious relationships

 

 

How the hell is the man supposed to learn if you baby him.

[eleanorrigby]

Block the GF's phone number and inform son that he's aware of your opinion and no more will be said on the matter. He's a man, living independently. He gets to enjoy man consequences, which don't include embroiling his parents in his drama, even incidentally. The young lady is presumably of majority, so she can accept the consequences of her choices too.

 

I would feel awful blocking this girl. I would feel like I'd would be sending the message that what he is doing is OK because he's my son.

[eleanorrigby]

I think he needs a seriously heavy dose of disappointed Mom. Sit his ass down until you're done talking to him.

 

This is what I want to do, I want to lay into him.

 

But then I'm also afraid he might start throwing my husbands and my problems back in my face in defense. And the thought of that turns my stomach.

[eleanorrigby]

What also scares me is knowing that he could marry this girl! Hell I got married at his age and had him.

 

So I feel like I need to do something before this girl signs up for a lifetime of hell. They are setting up a dynamic that I know well and it's going to be torture.

[eleanorrigby]

He's an adult.... dissapointed moms don't manipulate their sons through guilt and vicarious relationships

 

 

How the hell is the man supposed to learn if you baby him.

 

Right, I want him to learn, but I don't want him to learn by stomping on this girls heart for a few years.

 

You think telling him I don't want to hear from him till he starts doing right is manipulative?

[carhill]

I would feel awful blocking this girl. I would feel like I'd would be sending the message that what he is doing is OK because he's my son.

"This is none of my business and you and my son are adults. Work this out amongst yourselves. Please don't contact me again. My son doesn't live here. Thanks. Good-bye."

 

Then block the number.

 

People have been working these things out throughout history. Apparently, you yourself had to work things out with an infidelity dynamic, if I'm understanding this posting correctly. You did so, as adults. Your son can do the same. Great life lesson. Sometimes those unpleasant life lessons are the best teachers.

[will1988]

I don't agree with the other posters on here. If you want him to dump her or vice versa you need one or both of them to come to that realization on their terms, not yours. Sons, epspecially at that young age, will resent you for trying to force your view on his relationship. He will also be likely to do the exact oposate of what you want him to do, just to spite you, or because he wants to prove you wrong. I've had my family try to be interactive in my love life before and let me tell you it just made me mad at my father and grandparents. I tried avoiding them, and or anything related to the topic of my love life. The arguments became heated. Sure my father and grandparents were right in the end, but because of their negative views towards my relationship at that time I tried even harder to prove them wrong.

 

My brother is going through a similar situation right now with his GF that i went through, in terms of family trying to act. My brother is kind of a deadbeat, but he comes from a well off family that takes care of its own. His GF is even more of a deadbeat than him, if that is at all possible. She is also very manipulative, and is a druggy and alcoholic and doesn't even have her GED. She is trash. My brother is border line alcoholic but he doesn't do drugs. He is in love though and doesn't see the wood through the trees so to speak. This girl is looking for an easy life. She knows that because my family is loyal to its own, that if she gets my brother to knock her up then my family will be forced to take care of her and their child. She's even told us this is her plan while she was drunk. I'd love for my brother to get his life together and to dump her, but every time my family tries to give advice he recoils and does the opposate. I've taken the stance that let him see how low he can hit rock bottom before he can bounce back up. This is what I went through with a slightly similar girl friend (except we were in college and she did not do drugs, to my knowladge). I had to hit rock bottom before I realized what a fool I've been... but I had to come to that realization on my own.

 

I know you want your son to do what is right. I know you want to help your son's gf. I know you want to force your views of the relationship on to your son. Trust me I want to do the same with my brother. However, if you want to remain on good terms with your son (eventually he will come back to you, but how long I do not know) you should just offer advice sparingly but do not force your hand.

 

Good luck!

[eleanorrigby]

"This is none of my business and you and my son are adults. Work this out amongst yourselves. Please don't contact me again. My son doesn't live here. Thanks. Good-bye."

 

Then block the number.

 

People have been working these things out throughout history. Apparently, you yourself had to work things out with an infidelity dynamic, if I'm understanding this posting correctly. You did so, as adults. Your son can do the same. Great life lesson. Sometimes those unpleasant life lessons are the best teachers.

 

I would feel very uncomfortable doing that, especially now after I let her cry on the phone with me for 20 mins this morning. To say something like that now would feel cruel.

[eleanorrigby]

I know you want your son to do what is right. I know you want to help your son's gf. I know you want to force your views of the relationship on to your son. Trust me I want to do the same with my brother. However, if you want to remain on good terms with your son (eventually he will come back to you, but how long I do not know) you should just offer advice sparingly but do not force your hand.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks (and thanks to everyone on the thread so far, I really appreciate it)

 

What I'm still wondering is, is me telling him to stay away from ME until he starts doing right, forcing my views on relationships to him?

 

I feel like that's the only thing I can do to keep myself out of his mess and let him know that I don't agree with how he's behaving.

 

I not telling him what to do, I'm just saying "stay the hell away from me while you are doing this"

[BetrayedH]

This is what I want to do, I want to lay into him.

 

But then I'm also afraid he might start throwing my husbands and my problems back in my face in defense. And the thought of that turns my stomach.

 

You have a lot of wisdom to share with your son. I have every faith in your ability to articulate the ethical choices before him and to do it in the context of your own struggles.

[SmokeRat]

I'll chime in.

 

As his Mother, you know there are consequences to all actions, good and bad. I'm sure you raised him to know that these consequences can either be static or dynamic.

 

My point is, he's cheating. Adultery should never go without punishment, whether that punishment comes from a static source or a dynamic source, it matters not. I mean no offense to you, as I am sure you were/are a wonderful Mother, but your son is a coward. He is morally inept and should have judgement and subsequent punish brought down on him.

 

It can come from many sources, although it would be best that his current actual GF, break up with him. But her just saying 'we're done, and your a jerk, blah blah blah', isn't going to do it. He needs to be made out to be the coward he is, and if that shunning needs to come from his Mother and Father so be it. My wife's mother and father removed her from their will, until a time they believe she can be a morally just and trustworthy person.

 

I do not believe you need to go that far, but I would make he knows his behavior is unacceptable, disgusting and lacks even the smallest shred of honour. My wife's family and my immediate family, shamed my wife to the point where she broke, and finally saw the damage she caused in our marriage.

 

Maybe you need to do the same.

[eleanorrigby]

My son is not great at listening. He prefers to lecture. He's very smart, very intense, and basically thinks he's smarter then 99% of people in any given room. Cocky.

 

Parenting him has always been a battle. I leave conversations with him feeling like I've gone 10 rounds with Ali. And this is almost every conversation.

 

He loves debating, and I know I'm one of his favorite sparring parters, but this is one conversation where I don't think I'd be able to hold my own. I'd probably be yelling at him within 10 mins if we have this talk.

[eleanorrigby]

I'll chime in.

 

As his Mother, you know there are consequences to all actions, good and bad. I'm sure you raised him to know that these consequences can either be static or dynamic.

 

My point is, he's cheating. Adultery should never go without punishment, whether that punishment comes from a static source or a dynamic source, it matters not. I mean no offense to you, as I am sure you were/are a wonderful Mother, but your son is a coward. He is morally inept and should have judgement and subsequent punish brought down on him.

 

It can come from many sources, although it would be best that his current actual GF, break up with him. But her just saying 'we're done, and your a jerk, blah blah blah', isn't going to do it. He needs to be made out to be the coward he is, and if that shunning needs to come from his Mother and Father so be it. My wife's mother and father removed her from their will, until a time they believe she can be a morally just and trustworthy person.

 

I do not believe you need to go that far, but I would make he knows his behavior is unacceptable, disgusting and lacks even the smallest shred of honour. My wife's family and my immediate family, shamed my wife to the point where she broke, and finally saw the damage she caused in our marriage.

 

Maybe you need to do the same.

 

^^^ I'm really leaning towards what you are saying.

[eleanorrigby]

Another thing that bothers me is I get the feeling that my son is doing this just to see what cheating feels like.

[SmokeRat]

I know a lot of people, on this forum, aren't as hard handed as me. And they know my story.

 

I've only become this hard handed as of late, because I refuse to be a doormat.

 

Your sons' actual girlfriend needs that wake up call. She needs to understand that she is a beautiful, lovely young woman who can do better than a coward. She needs to be told this, she needs to be empowered and she needs to get angry. Let her post your son on cheaters websites, let her poop-talk the other girl. Let her get it all out of her system.

 

Why she is doing this with you, and not her own family, is slightly confusing. But, as long as you have it in you to support her, go for it.

 

Next, speak with your husband. Your son must know the devastation left in the wake of his affair. Does he really want to see his mother so distraught? I remember making my mother cry once when I was 8, I told her I hoped I wouldn't grow up to look like her.

 

I have never felt so horrible in my entire life. Even know, it makes me cringe that I could say that to my Mum.

 

If he will not listen to you, then cut him off. Plain and simple. He isn't welcome in your home anymore, and if needs something, he can be a big grown up MAN and get it himself.

[leonine]

Another thing that bothers me is I get the feeling that my son is doing this just to see what cheating feels like.

 

 

Try and make him see that it doesn't feel good.

[SmokeRat]

He's 21 and getting his dick wet with another girl. Trying to explain that having lots of sex with lots of women doesn't feel good to a hormonal, cowardly excuse for a man, is like trying to tell the Honey Badger that is currently mauling your face that you would prefer he not do that.

 

Honey Badger don't care.

[eleanorrigby]

Why she is doing this with you, and not her own family, is slightly confusing. But, as long as you have it in you to support her, go for it.

 

I have a feeling she doesn't tell her parents because they would insist she break up with him. She's a senior in high school and they were not keen on her dating a 21 year old.

[2sure]

I have a feeling she doesn't tell her parents because they would insist she break up with him. She's a senior in high school and they were not keen on her dating a 21 year old.

 

Do you know her mom at all? I ask only because she is my daughter's age and if she were struggling and calling and crying like that - Id want to help her and I know she wouldnt necessarilly reach out.

 

We are still parenting at 17 AND 21.

 

My daughter just started dating and I am seeing some of the not unexpected results of my previous marriage (ended in major infidelity) and my long struggle to trust again (lost).

 

She has become like me - a bit distant as far as opening herself to people and very posessive of her personal boundaries and space.

Anyway - she has this new BF and I really like the kid so far. Very interesting, talented, cute. I took them to dinner and he was telling me about himself, very personable.

 

Then he started bullsh**ing me. He was telling us about all of his world travels and it was easy to tell he was making it up. He comes from a different economic situation than we do, but he is very intelligent and accomplished to me...so , I dont know why he would like that . We actually have travelled quite a lot, my daughter would play down the extent of our vacations because she is like that...so I dont think he realized he was talking to someone who knew he was making it up.

 

I looked at my daughter and she paled because - since my XH's gaslighting - someone telling lies to my face ...totally gets called on it and this is her BF?

 

I let it go and later that night she said she was going to have to decide to call him on it or cut him loose.

 

I dont trust him with her now.

[will1988]

I've noticed a trend to this thread. All the women, especially the mothers are telling you to intervene. Men and sons are for the most part telling you not to. Admerable, and understandable. I do not condone what your son is doing. I've never cheated on anyone. However, as a son who has seen this happen before to me personally, and to friends, brothers etc... I can assure you that from your son's point of view your advice and help will make him pull away.