Son is cheating

[eleanorrigby]

Do you know her mom at all? I ask only because she is my daughter's age and if she were struggling and calling and crying like that - Id want to help her and I know she wouldnt necessarilly reach out.

 

no I've never met her parents. That's another reason why I'm irritated with him. His behavior is making me look bad as his mom. It's embarrassing. I hate this.

[BetrayedH]

For the record, I am a man and I support a good firm smack upside his freakin' head. I would tell him to shut his mouth and open his ears. I'd give him a lecture from hell about how he was raised differently and he needs to smarten his ass up. When you're done, he can go ahead and "pull away" like a little pansy-ass know-it-all kid if he wants but it wouldn't be until he got an earfull from me first.

[BetrayedH]

no I've never met her parents. That's another reason why I'm irritated with him. His behavior is making me look bad as his mom. It's embarrassing. I hate this.

 

Precisely why he needs to knock off this juvenile behavior; he's an embarrassment to himself and his family if his Mom is in the middle of his ****ed-up bull****. I'd tell him he better fix his shi t before I did it for him.

[xxoo]

You can be there for the girl if it isn't too taxing for you emotionally. But all you can do is be there, listen, and advise. You need to accept that you can't make her do anything.

 

If it gets too taxing for you, then you need to tell her that. You can do that kindly, telling her that you care about her, but you can not help her, and being in the middle is too stressful for you. Try to direct her to other people she can talk to, and then back out. Block her number.

 

As for your son, he is going to make his own mistakes and learn from the consequences. You can not control him. You can express concern, and even strong disapproval, but lecturing and treating him like a child will only drive him away. That is not the way to influence his behavior. The best way to influence his behavior is to be a good role model, including the very ways you communicate with him on this subject.

 

Your boundaries are off all over the place. You are too involved.....far too involved. It isn't normal for a mother to be so involved in a grown son's love affairs. How much of this is about him living his life, and how much is about you reliving yours? Work on your boundaries, and stop trying to "fix" people other than yourself.

[eleanorrigby]

i always heard people say i dont bring what ever girl to my parents home or

in contact with my parents. only a girl that im serious with.

but your son brings you in contact with that slut.

 

He doesn't bring OG (other girl) over, I just know who she is, the three of them work in the same place and I see her around town. Now that I know what's going on though, the door is barred to her!

 

ETA: the reason I called OG to ask her to have my son call me is because he got behind on his cell phone bill and I can't reach him right now. He has no landline.

[wisernow]

I've been right where you are, and knowing what I know now, my advice is to do absolutely nothing.

 

My son cheated on his wife who happened to be pregnant with their 2nd child. My X-DIL called me crying and I, did what I thought was right at the time and got involved. My son was a huge ass to my DIL and I told him as much, tried to help them (from afar, as I live in another state) but they ended up divorcing. I haven't talked to my son in over a year.

 

I think he'll come around one day, and hopefully realize that I only wanted the best for all of them. But, bottom line for me, I will never get involved in my children's romantic relationships again. Ever.

[xxoo]

She isn't involving her self in his love affairs. She is involving herself in his 5h!t behavior. As a mother should. If I saw my son trying to bilk someone in some way, I'd have at him over that as well.

 

Poor behavior is poor behavior. It shouldn't matter in what area of life the poor behavior is being demonstrated.

 

The questions is: how much can parents influence their grown, independent child's behavior? And what is the best way to do so?

 

IMO, the first step is to gain your son's respect.

[Crusoe]

For the record, I am a man and I support a good firm smack upside his freakin' head.

 

Yup, me too. The back of my old man or goat's hand is exactly what would have got if I ever cheated, and exactly what I'd give the boy if he ever cheated. In both cases the betrayed woman would be given all the time and support she needed.

[Furious]

I think the bigger issue here not just that your son at 21 is cheating on his girlfriend, but that you fear this may become an established pattern in his future relationships.

 

I think it hurts you personally that your son has witnessed the devastation you, as his own mother has been through, seems to have not made a dent in his perception of cheating.

 

I imagine your son, who is a long way off from marriage, views boyfriend girlfriend relationships, as something quite separate from what his parents have been through.

 

I think if you and your husband were to have a sit down with your son, and explain that it's not about interfering with his personal life, but more of a concern about how best he can deal with relationships in general in the now and in the future.

[jwi71]

Your son is a grown man.

 

He is making some bad decisions.

 

Tell him what you know. Tell him its hurtful to both girls, himself and to you. Tell him, calmly, you are deeply disappointed that he would act this way. That you thought better of him. I am not aware of your back story but I'd reference it. Tell him his GF called looking for him. Tell him you will NOT lie for him. That you will NOT support this behavior. Then hug him, tell him you love him.

 

And that's it. Drop it. No need to say another word about it. If your son wants to continue the convo - tell him you have said what you wanted to say - and that he is a grown man. That he needs to live his life and find his way. Then leave. Let. Him. Stew. (and he will)

 

He's a grown man making his own decisions. Let him. You can support your son and simultaneously not support his cheating.

 

Chances are - he'll grow out of it. Its just a phase and I think many young men equate many sexual partners with desirability or "manliness" It isn't of course.

 

There is a saying I am fond of - having said it to my best friends daughters BF.

 

"You lie about how many girls you've had when talking to the boys. Then, later, you lie about how many women you've had when talking to your W".

 

Pride becomes shame in short order.

 

Just sayin'

[eleanorrigby]

I've been right where you are, and knowing what I know now, my advice is to do absolutely nothing.

 

My son cheated on his wife who happened to be pregnant with their 2nd child. My X-DIL called me crying and I, did what I thought was right at the time and got involved. My son was a huge ass to my DIL and I told him as much, tried to help them (from afar, as I live in another state) but they ended up divorcing. I haven't talked to my son in over a year.

 

I think he'll come around one day, and hopefully realize that I only wanted the best for all of them. But, bottom line for me, I will never get involved in my children's romantic relationships again. Ever.

 

So what do you think of me just telling him how despicable I find his behavior and NOT to come over visiting or calling until he fixes this problem?

 

I could tell his girlfriend that I told him off, that I don't respect what he's doing, don't support it and that I've asked him to stop coming around while he's doing this to her. I just want her to know for sure that I'll never be in his corner if he's doing these things.

 

At least that way she would feel supported (I hope) and she would (hopefully) stop calling here trying to track him down.

[xxoo]

I think the bigger issue here not just that your son at 21 is cheating on his girlfriend, but that you fear this may become an established pattern in his future relationships.

 

I think it hurts you personally that your son has witnessed the devastation you, as his own mother has been through, seems to have not made a dent in his perception of cheating.

 

I imagine your son, who is a long way off from marriage, views boyfriend girlfriend relationships, as something quite separate from what his parents have been through.

 

I think if you and your husband were to have a sit down with your son, and explain that it's not about interfering with his personal life, but more of a concern about how best he can deal with relationships in general in the now and in the future.

 

That's an important point. His actions now don't necessarily predict his future relationships.

 

I met my husband when he was a little younger than your son. He wasn't entirely faithful to his former girlfriends (putting in mildly...it didn't alarm me because cheating was rampant among my peers in school). He grew up, and that behavior did not become part of his mature relationship style.

 

A talk about your concerns, together with your husband, is a GREAT idea. Sharing your own struggles, adult to adult, could help to generate some respect.

[eleanorrigby]

I think the bigger issue here not just that your son at 21 is cheating on his girlfriend, but that you fear this may become an established pattern in his future relationships.

 

 

Yes this does scare me, I watch him and it seems like he wants to emulate the best and worst parts of our marriage. My husband and I met in high school and my son went to the same school and met a girl there.

 

He got very serious with her and was telling me how awesome it was that he had met his girl at the same high school and same age as we did and how he was going to marry her and that it was like Back to The Future blah blah blah.

 

They eventually broke up but I know he was disappointed that he had not been able to recreate this high school sweetheart thing with the girl.

 

Now he has this new girl and I look at his behavior and see him replaying the middle part of my marriage.

 

Maybe he's trying to make sense of what happened to our family by trying to experience it?

[xxoo]

Yes this does scare me, I watch him and it seems like he wants to emulate the best and worst parts of our marriage. My husband and I met in high school and my son went to the same school and met a girl there.

 

He got very serious with her and was telling me how awesome it was that he had met his girl at the same high school and same age as we did and how he was going to marry her and that it was like Back to The Future blah blah blah.

 

They eventually broke up but I know he was disappointed that he had not been able to recreate this high school sweetheart thing with the girl.

 

Now he has this new girl and I look at his behavior and see him replaying the middle part of my marriage.

 

Maybe he's trying to make sense of what happened to our family by trying to experience it?

 

Or maybe he is just being a typical young guy, having typical relationship experiences?

 

I don't condone cheating, and I would address it with my son. But you've got to disengage from your own issues if you hope to approach this effectively.

[wisernow]

So what do you think of me just telling him how despicable I find his behavior and NOT to come over visiting or calling until he fixes this problem?

 

I could tell his girlfriend that I told him off, that I don't respect what he's doing, don't support it and that I've asked him to stop coming around while he's doing this to her. I just want her to know for sure that I'll never be in his corner if he's doing these things.

 

At least that way she would feel supported (I hope) and she would (hopefully) stop calling here trying to track him down.

 

I don't see anything wrong with that. There are a few differences in your sons story vs. my sons. Your son is dating, mine was married with children. Not saying the cheating is any less on your son's part, he just should have broke it off with his former before dating the current. But thankfully, there are no children involved. That's the part that kills me.

 

But, yes. I would let him know that you are not pleased, that his behavior is wrong, that he has hurt another person because of his careless actions, that you love him, but will not support his actions. Then, I'd tell the girlfriend (the one he cheated on) that you're very sorry that your son hurt her, but you'll not be playing the go between for the two of them. She's a big girl, and will have to do that herself. Then, I'd bow out.

[eleanorrigby]

Then, I'd tell the girlfriend (the one he cheated on) that you're very sorry that your son hurt her, but you'll not be playing the go between for the two of them. She's a big girl, and will have to do that herself. Then, I'd bow out.

 

*nods head* I agree with everything, the above part is what I'm still having a problem with. It feels cruel.

[Art_Critic]

My daughter was VERY hurt by her father's infidelity, and so I was quite surprised a decade later when she began going through young men like underwear.

 

I sat her down and told her how as her parent its my JOB to ensure she learns the ethics necessary to live a fruitful and safe life. That she should be thankful I care about this job and she owes me respect for doing it so dutifully instead of half-ass like her father.

 

I then explained the pain I remember her going through when her father cheated, i went over how I suffered, and then talked of her father's regret for being so selfish and weak to need constant exhausting validation.

 

I told her how her dating was showing signs of her father's behavior.

 

Of course she was offended, but I nipped it in the bud swiftly: "you can't fix something unless you know it. Maybe its genetic, you have issues with self control and require high emotional maintainence. You can either find a partner and educate him about these issues and fix it, find hobbies and friends to cope, or you can become a person like your father: your future spouse and kids can think you are a dirt bag. Which one go you want?"

 

Yep, she got pissed, she tried to get cocky, she tried to defend, criticize, etc. but as I told her: I'm doing this FOR her, and I don't NEED her, I'm being altruistic and her thinking on that should be her first act of proving she has some level of self control...

 

My daughter is to my utter dismay, prone to narcissism, your son sounds the same, that's all the more reason we have a debt to them and society to help them control their tendency.

 

Wonderful post..

Always a parent comes to mind when the item to be discussed rates pretty high on the things not to do.

 

This is a little off topic but deals with the the Parenting after they are grown issue..

 

When I was in my young 20's my Step Mom pulled me aside with my Brother and had a talk with me about my drinking.

With their help, the help of AA and the previous years help of a GF and AA again I quit drinking and have been sober 26 years this coming June.

 

My Step Mom has since passed away but today I owe a great deal to her for being "Always a Parent".

 

This isn't a slight about my real Mom by the way.. I didn't live in the same state as her so she had no idea that I needed guidance.

[eleanorrigby]

I know, it is hard. You can do it gently though. They are most certainly over, she's hurting, but hopefully she has a mom, sisters, girlfriends to cry with. How long were these two dating?

 

I don't think they are though. I told her she ought to break up with him and she told me that she couldn't because she loves him. That makes me sad. That's where I was. My husband didn't stop his crap until I finally was ready to leave.

 

She could be caught up in this for a while before she hits rock bottom.

 

She said "he keeps telling me he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but then he keeps doing this":(

 

They've been dating for about 9 months.

 

 

She called me right before going to school this morning, it makes me feel sick to think of her sitting in class crying over my son because he's acting like an azzhole.

Edited February 13, 2013 by eleanorrigby

[Keenly]

Helicopter parents prevent kids from growing up. They do not assist in it.

 

The ONLY thing that will change his behavior is when a girl HE loves smashes HIS heart to pieces and cheats on him. Eating what he is dishing out is the only way he will understand.

[eleanorrigby]

She's on the phone with me now.

[Art_Critic]

Helicopter parents prevent kids from growing up. They do not assist in it.

 

An adult parent speaking to an adult child of theirs isn't being a helicopter parent, it's being an adult parent of an adult child of theirs.

 

Helicopter parents is used in reference to their raising, not speaking to them as an adult. IMO

[Keenly]

An adult parent speaking to an adult child of theirs isn't being a helicopter parent, it's being an adult parent of a child of theirs.

 

Helicopter parents is used in reference to their raising, not speaking to them as an adult. IMO

 

And is this man incapable of making his own decisions?

 

Let the man LIVE HIS LIFE. What I see is a mother who is going to place her experiences on her son instead of letting her son find out who he is on his own. I are a desire to control.behavior... and I am not cool with that no matter the reason.

[xxoo]

eleanor, you are the last person who can help her.

 

You are making it easier for her to stay with him. She needs to find support somewhere else, and the best way to encourage that is to tell her you can't be in the middle of this anymore.

[Snowflower]

Typing from my phone. Eleanor, I think the best thing you can do is try to contact the girl's mother and get her help and support.

as for your son, I can completely understand your desire to light into him. I have a son just a bit older than yours and I would be so disappointed if he did something like that. Have you spoken to your H about all this? Can you enlist his help in talking to your son?

I will write more later when I am on my computer and not my phone.

I have some thoughts on this...

[Art_Critic]

Let the man LIVE HIS LIFE.

 

Having a talk with him doesn't mean he can't live his own life... People seek and need guidance all the way up to their death at an old age...