Luckydad Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Ok, so I'm divorced with 2 amazing kids. My son is almost 17 and my daughter is almost 15. I have been 100% devoted to my kids for the last 3 years, foregoing dating, socializing, ect. My kids' mom is on her 2nd common law relationship since we split 4.5 years ago. My son lives with me (on and off for the last year, but at least 50 - 60% of the time otherwise) and my daughter with her mom primarily. My daughter, when she was 13, asked me a few times how old a kid had to be before they could decide on their own which parent to live with. I told her there is no magic age, but most judges will consider the choice of a 14 year old. She sent me more signals that she wanted to move in with me until I moved back to the city where she and her brother live just over a year ago. Prior to this, for 6 months, I lived 2 hours away but would make the trip every weekend to be with my kids. I found a place 5 min away from their mom and very close to transit with enough bedrooms for each of us. My son immediately started spending the majority of his time with me and like I said above, made the choice to live full-time with me. My daughter however has been reluctant to spend more than 1 or 2 days a week with me (until recently). Her reluctance to even spend 50% of her time with me is apparently because she has a friend who lives 1/2 time with her divorced mom and dad, and she doesn't like shifting her home around every week. My daughter also told me that she should be with her mom because they are both female. Last weekend, my daughter asked me if she could come and live with me for a few weeks. She told me that her mom's common law's "long lost" 20-something year old son was living with them for the foreseeable future. She told me it was very uncomfortable for her and that she doesn't feel as though she's "at home" under these circumstances. I asked he mom if it would be ok for her to do so and received a terse reply "If that's what she wants".. When I came by to pick up my daughter, she had her cat in-tow. Her mom said that part of the deal is that the cat comes with her since she doesn't want to feed the cat or clean it's litter box. Not only am I allergic to cats, my landlord has a no pets policy (which my ex is aware of). Regardless, I bought some allergy pills and pleaded with my landlord and said it was only temporary. My kid's mom has vilified me over the past 4.5 years and constantly tells my kids, and anyone else who will listen, that I'm selfish and that my kids are my last priority. Any one who knows me would find that statement laughable. She has said that she can't understand my kids' "loyalty" to me and figures that they should accept her current common law BF as their male role model. I do not ever cast my kids' mom in a negative light, nor will I ever engage in the kind of parental alienation she is prone to with me. Although I was overjoyed at the aspect of having my daughter live with me for this period of time, I can't help but to wonder when that kid is going to realize that her mom chose her BF's wishes over that of her daughter's. This is not an anomaly, as it has happened before. According to my daughter, whenever there is an issue between my daughter and my ex's BF, my ex take's her BF's side. When will my daughter realize that I am not the horrible father her mom makes me out to be, and see that her mother is not the perfect parent that she makes herself out to be? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Er... isn't she already making that transition by coming over to live with you....? She may not let on a great deal, but if I know teen girls (and I've had two!) she's thinking a whole lot more than she lets on.... Be open for her... tell her that you know you're a guy, and guys can be dumb, but you're her dad, you love her more than life itself, and you would take a bullet for her, no question, no hesitation. If ever she wants to talk, you'll listen (and remember - women don't always want YOU to supply remedies... women often just want to be heard....) She's going through the critical years of puberty. Give her space, and in matters of taste, swim with the current. In matters of principle, stand like a rock. And always be prepared to be her 'Lighthouse'. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
sweetkiwi Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Trust me. Your story is soooo much like my own. I have an amazing father and a messed up mother. Your daughter realizes how great you are. And as she gets older she will understand it more and more and more. Keep being you. Don't bad mouth her mother. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Luckydad Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 Er... isn't she already making that transition by coming over to live with you....? She may not let on a great deal, but if I know teen girls (and I've had two!) she's thinking a whole lot more than she lets on.... Be open for her... tell her that you know you're a guy, and guys can be dumb, but you're her dad, you love her more than life itself, and you would take a bullet for her, no question, no hesitation. If ever she wants to talk, you'll listen (and remember - women don't always want YOU to supply remedies... women often just want to be heard....) She's going through the critical years of puberty. Give her space, and in matters of taste, swim with the current. In matters of principle, stand like a rock. And always be prepared to be her 'Lighthouse'. Thank you for your valuable insight! She is only staying with me until her mom's BF's son leaves. I can hope that she would at the very least decide to spend half her time at my place afterwards, but also need to not get my hopes up too much. I totally get that she isn't letting on as much as she could, and have always given her and my son the space they need without pushing the issue too much. She and my son both know that I would go to the ends of the earth and back for them, as this is demonstrated by me on a regular basis. My actions speak louder than the words of my ex. While my son and I are very open with one another, I have to admit that it isn't so easy with my daughter. I know that she acts differently around me than she does her mom. She tries to present herself as a "perfect" daughter to me, whereas she routinely has major fights with her mom and the BF. I know that gender plays a part in her reluctance to open up to me, and I admit it is sometimes frustrating that she can't trust me enough to really let me know how she feels at times. At the least, I think she knows that I'm always going to be in her corner. Always. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Luckydad Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 Trust me. Your story is soooo much like my own. I have an amazing father and a messed up mother. Your daughter realizes how great you are. And as she gets older she will understand it more and more and more. Keep being you. Don't bad mouth her mother. Thank you! I will just stay the course and to be perfectly honest, when either my daughter or my son try to bad mouth their mom, I always end up coming to her defense. I will never stoop to her level with my kids! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 When will my daughter realize that I am not the horrible father her mom makes me out to be, and see that her mother is not the perfect parent that she makes herself out to be?Probably about when she is in her mid 20s and in a serious relationship and starts seeing what they are really all about. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Go to www.daughters.com and start reading everything you can find on there. It has tons of stuff that you can read WITH your daughter, too, to give you things to talk about. Tell her you want to know all about her, what she's been doing for the past 4 years, how she feels about things, just talk talk talk. Take her on walks, if you can - great way to talk without it being confrontational. Be silly around her, so she can see it's ok for HER to be silly around you. Tell her lots of stories about YOUR childhood and other people you know, how they messed up but made it right, or how they made their decision such as careers, just talk about everything. She'll be soaking it all up, I promise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Luckydad Posted February 15, 2013 Author Share Posted February 15, 2013 After less than a week, my daughter is moving back with her mom. They went for lunch, and my daughter was treated to a tear-filled guilt trip. I think this has more to do with child support than actual endearment, but I digress... Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 Don't worry. She'll figure it out, eventually. Sometimes it takes kids with a manipulative parent a bit longer to come around, but she will. Just keep on being the amazing dad that you are. YOU are the one she'll end up coming to, as she gets older. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 I can vouch for the above..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Luckydad Posted February 21, 2013 Author Share Posted February 21, 2013 (edited) There have been some developments.... When picking my daughter up at her friend's place after a sleep over for a soccer game, she told me how her mom's car was stolen off the street in front of her house last Thursday night. She said it occurred between 12:40 AM and 1:45 AM. When I asked how she knew what time it took place, she told me that she and this 28 year old son of my ex's BF took the dog for a walk between those times and noticed it missing upon return. Yes, they took the dog for a walk this late at night for that length of time. When we got to her mom's place, she ran in to change into her soccer gear, and was back in my truck in a flash stating that the only person home was this 28 year old jobless son of her mom's BF and that she "Hates" him. Keep in mind, this is 2 days after she and he were on their "walk" I asked her what her mom thinks about the whole situation and she told me that her mom has no choice in the matter. I stated that she does since it is HER house (She made this very clear to me prior to purchasing said house). My daughter told me I was mistaken, that it is both her's and her BF's, so she doesn't have a choice. When I told my son this story, he confessed that he suspects that my daughter and this 28 year old have been romantically involved. He apparently tried to broach the subject with her and she clammed up and changed the subject. To him, this is quite odd since they are very close and typically tell each other everything. I told this story to a friend of mine as well recently, and before I could even get to my son's suspicions, my friend relayed to me that he thought there was something going on between the two of them. Once again, she's 14, he's 28. What the hell should I do? I mean, if I can determine that they in fact have had "relations", I'm calling the police. Probably on myself after I beat this piece of s**t within inches of his life..Seriously though, how do I go about getting to the bottom of this? Edited February 21, 2013 by Luckydad Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 I'd call the police anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Luckydad Posted February 21, 2013 Author Share Posted February 21, 2013 I've emailed one of her teachers, asking if he's noticed a change in her behavior as of late and also spoke to my brother in law. His daughter and my daughter are very close, and I asked him to speak to his daughter about mine, if she's mentioned anything about this. I'm also going to be talking to child services, to ascertain the best course of action. So worried about this now, I'm losing sleep and cant focus at work... Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 meh, I dated a 30 year old when I was 16, and it didn't kill me. He was actually a real gentleman, and probably the nicest guy I ever dated. We just didn't have anything in common, so it didn't last long. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Luckydad Posted February 21, 2013 Author Share Posted February 21, 2013 meh, I dated a 30 year old when I was 16, and it didn't kill me. He was actually a real gentleman, and probably the nicest guy I ever dated. We just didn't have anything in common, so it didn't last long. So...Call the cops or simply let this be? Again, she's 14. He's 28. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I guess if I were in your shoes, I would get more information first, though I'm pretty sure she is 'dating' him. I'd be having a private talk with her mom. Link to post Share on other sites
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