College is messing up my game

[fortyninethousand322]

What clock? I'm 38 and not married and have never had kids. I haven't exploded yet.

 

No, but you've had relationships yes?

 

By "clock ticking", I mean he doesn't want to be a 40 year old man who never had a relationship. Very few women want any part of that.

[SmileFace]

No. But I think he'd be less depressed. And, at 32 the clock is ticking. He's almost completely inexperience (at the very least with relationships). Putting dating off isn't necessarily a great idea.

49 please explain how he could find time right now to focus on finding a girl? He has been doing that for years and hasn't had much success. What difference would it make if he puts it off for this semester. ****, he may need to hire a tutor - for all we know he can end up in a relationship with the tutor but he needs to focus.

[fortyninethousand322]

When you're about to flush all of your college work down the drain because you're struggling with one class, YES, it is a great idea to put off everything else. Including dating.

 

Seriously, this is like having your arm chopped off and asking the doctor what they can do about your migraines instead.

 

I think it's impossible to shut off that part of your mind that is depressed about not having a relationship. He can try, but he'll end up being miserable...and still fail.

[fortyninethousand322]

49 please explain how he could find time right now to focus on finding a girl? He has been doing that for years and hasn't had much success. What difference would it make if he puts it off for this semester. ****, he may need to hire a tutor - for all we know he can end up in a relationship with the tutor but he needs to focus.

 

Look, I'm not disagreeing on what he should do. I'm saying it's impossible and unrealistic to think he can. The only thing he can do is try to make it by even if just barely. His misery and depression are not going away though.

[SmileFace]

Look, I'm not disagreeing on what he should do. I'm saying it's impossible and unrealistic to think he can. The only thing he can do is try to make it by even if just barely. His misery and depression are not going away though.

But isn't part of his misery is that he is having a hard time dating college girls? Don't you think a real job(hopefully if he gets one) will expose him to more females. I am not saying life will be all ****s and giggles when he gets it but he needs something different and this may be it.

 

He even said him doing bad is making him be depressed about dating. Trying to date won't help that.

[fortyninethousand322]

But isn't part of his misery is that he is having a hard time dating college girls? Don't you think a real job(hopefully if he gets one) will expose him to more females. I am not saying life will be all ****s and giggles when he gets it but he needs something different and this may be it.

 

He even said him doing bad is making him be depressed about dating. Trying to date won't help that.

 

Maybe. Maybe not. From what I have observed in my (albeit thus far short) life is that it's next to impossible to not date by the time you get to 25, let alone 32. So maybe it's because he's trying to date college girls, perhaps it's just because he struggles in general. Impossible to tell outside of laboratory conditions.

 

There's a reason he can't block it out and focus. It's not because he doesn't want to.

[Bristolius]

Maybe. Maybe not. From what I have observed in my (albeit thus far short) life is that it's next to impossible to not date by the time you get to 25, let alone 32. So maybe it's because he's trying to date college girls, perhaps it's just because he struggles in general. Impossible to tell outside of laboratory conditions.

 

There's a reason he can't block it out and focus. It's not because he doesn't want to.

 

You're projecting yourself into SD's situation. You're defending yourself and you are not helping him.

[fortyninethousand322]

You're projecting yourself into SD's situation. You're defending yourself and you are not helping him.

 

Oh yeah, definitely. Because helping him is giving him a swift kick in the rear end and telling him it's his fault, etc.

 

As for the projecting part, I'm not sure what to say to that. Obviously I disagree, but it doesn't matter because you'll say I'm lying, etc. So, c'est la vie, I'm sure you're a lovely human being...or something.

[SmileFace]

Oh yeah, definitely. Because helping him is giving him a swift kick in the rear end and telling him it's his fault, etc.

 

As for the projecting part, I'm not sure what to say to that. Obviously I disagree, but it doesn't matter because you'll say I'm lying, etc. So, c'est la vie, I'm sure you're a lovely human being...or something.

How is it not his fault?

[Bristolius]

Oh yeah, definitely. Because helping him is giving him a swift kick in the rear end and telling him it's his fault, etc.

 

As for the projecting part, I'm not sure what to say to that. Obviously I disagree, but it doesn't matter because you'll say I'm lying, etc. So, c'est la vie, I'm sure you're a lovely human being...or something.

 

No, helping him would be admitting that people can, and often do, set aside their depression and anxiety temporarily.

 

Projecting= SD can't set aside his depression because I can't.

[fortyninethousand322]

No, helping him would be admitting that people can, and often do, set aside their depression and anxiety temporarily.

 

Projecting= SD can't set aside his depression because I can't.

 

Eh, I don't think SD can. Obviously I don't know, nor does anyone else on this board. But, if I had to guess, that's what I'd say. I don't like joining in on the collective beat down that routinely gets directed at certain posters.

 

And if you think he can set it aside for a while, good luck with that. It's worked out in the what 5 years that he's been on here? Bang up job so far....

[fortyninethousand322]

How is it not his fault?

 

It's nobody's fault. He didn't pick his bad genes, they were forced on him. And it's not women's fault that they're not attracted to him either. It just is what it is.

[somedude81]

Don't have a lot of time but I will say one thing.

 

A while ago I was diagnosed with dysthymia. I wouldn't doubt for a second that it affects how well I do with school and women.

[Bristolius]

An excellent distraction from personal and relationship difficulties is immersing yourself in something non-emotional. Something pedantic like, say, math.

[clia]

Don't have a lot of time but I will say one thing.

 

A while ago I was diagnosed with dysthymia. I wouldn't doubt for a second that it affects how well I do with school and women.

 

If you were diagnosed a while ago, then I assume you are getting treatment for it?

[FitChick]

A while ago I was diagnosed with dysthymia. I wouldn't doubt for a second that it affects how well I do with school and women.

 

 

So many of these so called disorders just give people excuses not to change. I heard a psychiatrist discussing this on the radio last night. Everyone has had some or all of those symptoms for mild depression, which is the definition of dysthymia.

[sweetjasmine]

It's nobody's fault. He didn't pick his bad genes, they were forced on him.

 

So...how can SD make it through this semester, passing his classes so he can get the degree he's already done 95% of the work for? By writing "I didn't pick my bad genes, and they're the reason I don't know what to do" on his tests? Come on.

 

SD, you can get through this class. It's just going to take a lot of extra effort until you can figure out what exactly helps you learn the material. I know it's hard to find motivation when you're depressed, but you really, really need to be STUBBORN, above all else. You've already invested 3 years in school for this and you're so close to being done. Don't give up now, man.

[KungFuJoe]

So many of these so called disorders just give people excuses not to change. I heard a psychiatrist discussing this on the radio last night. Everyone has had some or all of those symptoms for mild depression, which is the definition of dysthymia.

 

I know this might be controversial to bring up, but if SD has been diagnosed with depression and if it's affecting his quality of life, he might want to consider a shrink and getting on some zoloft.

 

Now, I want to preface this by saying I'm not trying to push any drugs on him and I've taken zoloft myself (very briefly) and it did help to "normalize" my mood swings. I stopped taking it because it affected my sex drive.

 

But, sometimes, the purpose of anti depressants is not to get you hooked...but to "kickstart" your life.

 

In SD's situation, if depression is keeping him from meeting girls...and not meeting girls adds to his depression, it's a never ending cycle. We can sit here all day long and tell him he needs to change, etc, etc, etc. At the age of 32, it's safe to say that no amount of advice is going to help and there is NO shame in needing "artificial" help.

 

A potential positive situation is SD takes zoloft, it lifts him from his depressive state, he starts to feel better about himself, finishes school, finds romance, and his quality of life increases. Then, he takes himself off zoloft and finds a way to be happy "naturally". It's risky, but sometimes you gotta take risks to get results.

[serial muse]

 

I've tried stuff like that before and still ended up failing and having to repeat a class.

 

It's not about begging them to pass me. I need to somehow learn the material or I'm just going to fail the next test.

 

Somedude, I don't think anybody is seriously telling you to beg to be passed, but I do think that a lot of professors take effort into account. And if you're there all the time, showing up for office hours, asking questions, explaining where you're not following, struggling but seriously making an effort, they will respond to that.

 

I know you said you've got a tutor (although so far you've only had one session with her). But have you actually approached the TA for your class and explained that you're struggling? Seriously, let that TA know what's going on. Put aside the embarrassment that might be stopping you from doing that. They WILL want to help you. And perhaps if you try to work with them you can figure out, together, where you're getting stuck.

 

Isn't that better than going round and round in your head, the way you are? Action is always the solution to internal paralysis. Any action. Anything to break you out of the loop.

 

Listen, I sympathize - I don't know what exactly you're struggling with in the class, but the first time I tried calc (high school) I was completely overwhelmed by it. I had a crap teacher who barely lectured and it was really a sink-or-swim situation. And I was sinking, and I felt like a complete failure. So I hired a tutor to get me through that class - and let me tell you, the most valuable thing he did was help me see that it really wasn't as hard as I was thinking it was. So much of it is about anxiety. Once I got past that, a little bit, I began to see how lovely calculus really is. It's a language.

 

Seriously, you can do this. You're a smart guy. Don't let it whup you. But enlist all the help you can on the way - the professor, the TA, they're there to help you learn this stuff. Don't shy away from asking for that help. Let them know you actually care about it.

Edited February 14, 2013 by serial muse

[SmileFace]

I know this might be controversial to bring up, but if SD has been diagnosed with depression and if it's affecting his quality of life, he might want to consider a shrink and getting on some zoloft.

 

Now, I want to preface this by saying I'm not trying to push any drugs on him and I've taken zoloft myself (very briefly) and it did help to "normalize" my mood swings. I stopped taking it because it affected my sex drive.

 

But, sometimes, the purpose of anti depressants is not to get you hooked...but to "kickstart" your life.

 

In SD's situation, if depression is keeping him from meeting girls...and not meeting girls adds to his depression, it's a never ending cycle. We can sit here all day long and tell him he needs to change, etc, etc, etc. At the age of 32, it's safe to say that no amount of advice is going to help and there is NO shame in needing "artificial" help.

 

A potential positive situation is SD takes zoloft, it lifts him from his depressive state, he starts to feel better about himself, finishes school, finds romance, and his quality of life increases. Then, he takes himself off zoloft and finds a way to be happy "naturally". It's risky, but sometimes you gotta take risks to get results.

 

I don't agree that drugs is something he needs to take.

There are so much natural ways he can work on his mood.

Drugs only cover people's problems - they do not fix them

[KungFuJoe]

I don't agree that drugs is something he needs to take.

There are so much natural ways he can work on his mood.

Drugs only cover people's problems - they do not fix them

 

He's 32 years old. There comes a time when you have to admit to yourself that whatever you are doing...just plain isn't working.

 

Sometimes extreme measures are necessary. Brain chemistry is real and if SD is wired differently, sometimes no amount of "self help" will do a damn thing. I know this all too well having lived with my mother, who suffered from major depression for as long as I could remember and her life was only normalized by medication.

 

I also suffered from depression (and still have random bouts) but I was and am able to "break out of it" on my own. But, if I had gone many many years without improvement, I would definitely try alternative methods.

[ThaWholigan]

 

Isn't that better than going round and round in your head, the way you are? Action is always the solution to internal paralysis. Any action. Anything to break you out of the loop.

 

Listen, I sympathize - I don't know what exactly you're struggling with in the class, but the first time I tried calc (high school) I was completely overwhelmed by it. I had a crap teacher who barely lectured and it was really a sink-or-swim situation. And I was sinking, and I felt like a complete failure. So I hired a tutor to get me through that class - and let me tell you, the most valuable thing he did was help me see that it really wasn't as hard as I was thinking it was. So much of it is about anxiety. Once I got past that, a little bit, I began to see how lovely calculus really is. It's a language.

 

Seriously, you can do this. You're a smart guy. Don't let it whup you. But enlist all the help you can on the way - the professor, the TA, they're there to help you learn this stuff. Don't shy away from asking for that help. Let them know you actually care about it.

 

Bolded the important bits of a very good post, I must emphasise that things are not as difficult as they seem, and much of their impossibility is your own projection. Remember that.

[SmileFace]

He's 32 years old. There comes a time when you have to admit to yourself that whatever you are doing...just plain isn't working.

 

Sometimes extreme measures are necessary. Brain chemistry is real and if SD is wired differently, sometimes no amount of "self help" will do a damn thing. I know this all too well having lived with my mother, who suffered from major depression for as long as I could remember and her life was only normalized by medication.

 

I also suffered from depression (and still have random bouts) but I was and am able to "break out of it" on my own. But, if I had gone many many years without improvement, I would definitely try alternative methods.

 

 

I am projecting.

 

Anyway like I said I am projecting in regards to alternative methods since they work for me.

[KungFuJoe]

I am projecting.

 

Anyway like I said I am projecting in regards to alternative methods since they work for me.

 

They worked for me as well. But they obviously didn't work for my mom, though her case was VERY VERY extreme.

 

I will always advocate natural methods to get rid of depression. In fact, I would say this should work for the vast majority of people who suffer depression (which is VERY common). But, if you've tried everything and still no results...then it's on to something else.

[Teknoe]

SD,

I remember you posting about your (pre?)Calculus struggles several months back... and I remember thinking to myself that it's only a matter of time before it blows up in your face, like how it kinda is right now.

 

Life isn't easy. But just like everyone else, you gotta face your fears and deal with it head on. How much have you seriously attempted to improve in Calculus? Are you hitting the books everyday, or just haphazardly going through the motions of this class? Are you studying 2-3 hours everyday, or is that time spent on video games, Netflix and Loveshack? Have you sat down with your professor seeking serious help?

 

Everyone has choices to make, and you have to decide when enough is enough. Let's be honest here... you are on the rocks, and you need to get help. Don't give up, don't let go... but now is the time to take action... and seek help. Open yourself up to others. Amp up the tutoring. Confide in your professor. Get your head clear, man.

 

Posting on Loveshack and pining after 22 year old girls right now isn't gonna help.

 

edit: ps- a little prayer (along with a WHOLE LOTTA WORK on your part) never hurt nobody, either...