peace Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 I really messed up. I've been dating my boyfriend for two years. Recently, he happened to be checking his email, and I happened to see that he had kept hundreds of emails from his ex-girlfriend. I'm really not a jealous person, but over the next week, I became consumed by the presence of these emails. I asked him about them, and he said that he really liked keeping them because she was an important person in his life. I tried to move on from this, but as more days passed, I just got more consumed. One night, after talking to a friend about it, I got so worked up, I actually logged into his account and deleted all of them. I regretted doing it as soon as I hit the button, but it was too late. I felt so ashamed, I didn't have the heart to tell him immediately. Yesterday, he noticed the messages missing and confronted me about it. I confessed, and begged for his forgiveness. Thankfully, he didn't break up with me, but I feel like my one moment of insane jealously has wrecked the trust in our relationship. I never read the emails, and I had never ever logged into his account ever before. Everyone makes mistakes, and this was my one big one. He says that he loves me and is trying to forgive me, but he needs time to heal. He feels like a part of our relationship has been lost. I feel so helpless. I wish I could go back in time and undo my wrong, but it's too late. How can I help him to see that I am a trustworthy and loving girlfriend again? We had just been talking about getting engaged this coming year. I feel like after this, he may never see me as wife-material again. What can I do? Any advice would be immensely welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 I think it's kind of funny. It wouldn't be if you were beligerent about it and acted like you own him. So you're a little territorial and you freaked out about something. That is to be expected from women sometimes. What are a bunch of emails from an ex worth anyway? He'd be better off hugging you, forgiving you, trying to laugh about it and just figuring that certain parts of the past don't need to hang around. It doesn't HAVE to become a trust issue. I wouldn't even change my password. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 Ditto with Johan. Time to heal, my ass. He's got this one marked down as a "get out of jail free" card.... Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 Lol, soory to say, but this is kinda funny. Did you never expect him to notice that you erased them?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author peace Posted August 30, 2004 Author Share Posted August 30, 2004 Thank you both for your reassuring comments. I don't think my boyfriend sees it the way you do (I wish he did!). Every time I try to kiss him or even touch him on the hand, he pulls away slightly. He's usually one of the warmest people I know, always holding my hand or cuddling at home. Now, I'm actually nervous to be in the same room with him. I don't know what to say, other than "I'm sorry, it will never happen again". He says he forgives me, but I feel like he's looking at me with different eyes. I can't stand to feel so horrible about my actions much longer! It almost feels like I cheated or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 I agree with johan too. I would have probably been quite upset if I had been him. But then, I'd not have even kept my ex's emails in the first place. Besides if you absolutely need to keep your ex's e-mails the right place for them is a floppy disk, or cd-rom if you like it better, not your email-box where you have immediate access to them. What you did was surely not nice.....you could have discussed about it, asked him to put them away, but hey, it seems forgivable to me. Not something to make a big 'I need time to heal' deal about. You don't sound like a controlling possessive person. As johan said, people sometimes freak out about something. Is he one of those people who hate their friends/partners to open their cupboard/drawers, to touch their books without permission, to use their pc if they are not there? Do you think it is more likely to be a trust issue or a privacy issue? Also, IMHO it would have been way worse if you had gone through all his stuff and read his ex gf's emails. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 I shall never understand why most people insist upon sharing passwords with significant others. Doing so can prove to be a huge security risk, or at least a huge pain in the neck. To me, it is natural to keep little notes and memoirs of persons from our past, perhaps in a shoe box somewhere. I think I still have a few trinkets from my very first girlfriend hidden away some place. Seeing as the emails from this ex were probably automatically filed under another folder, I don't really see it as all that wrong. If this bothered you, I think you ought to have spoken to your boyfriend about it. Communication is sort of a tiny bit important in relationships. I'm certain he would have explained to you more thoroughly why he kept these emails, and maybe would have compromised with you. From my standpoint, I think of it as keeping a few photos, a note or two, and maybe a bottle cap from some past relationship in a little shoe box in the attic. I don't know the full story of exactly what meaning these emails held for him, if he viewed them often, or what. New information would probably change my outlook on this completely, but for now it does not seem all that horrible. From now on it might be better to keep access to personal accounts, well, personal. Link to post Share on other sites
Cricket96 Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 What you did was wrong, but I would get mad back. Why on earth would he keep his ex-emails in his Inbox??????????????????????? That means he's not over her. I trashed all my ex's emails (I printed them out) after 2 years when I found myself another man.....WHO still kept his ex's things, but he said it's in the garage. I dunno. At first I was like whateverish about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 I agree w/ Faux Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Hundreds of emails, over 2 years? I would really look into if he's over her. I could understand a couple of them, but to have that many is obessive. What does he plan on doing? Keep reading them over & over? He's living in the past when he does that. Link to post Share on other sites
She's Come Undone Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Sounds to me like he's most upset about them being gone, not about what you actually did. If that's the case, he still has unresolved feelings for this ex, and that should be dealt with. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 She's come undone, I think you are my twin by the way we think alike. Just the female version Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 You definitely should not have invaded his privacy like this. But I can honestly tell you, I think we all have our moments of insane jealousy where we do something stupid like this. I've done something similar at one point in my life. I confessed and my bf was annoyed at the invasion of his privacy, most definitely, as I'm sure I would have been. I didn't do it again, and he got over it. But I don't know....I guess I would have some question about the emails from his ex meaning THAT much to him (if they indeed do). I mean, sure I have stuff from some of my exes in a box somewhere...I'm not even sure where exactly. But you know, if someone burned the entire box, I wouldn't be devastated or anything. A little upset, but I mean, they're just EX boyfriends. Part of my past. I remember them...some more fondly than others. But they're not THAT big of a deal, otherwise I suppose I wouldn't be with someone else. I don't know. I guess because anytime I've been cheated on, it's been with an ex-girlfriend, I would be leary of anyone who's too connected to the past. That's just my experience though. At any rate, I think you really need to sit down and talk about this with him some more. Communication might have avoided this situation in the first place. Don't just beg for forgiveness....tell him how you felt about all of this, and vice versa. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 I begin by telling you that I also am a bit territorial. And I do understand that you got very mad at seeing those emails. And hurt. I would too. But .... Especialy if he thinks that she is/was an important person in his life, you did hurt his feelings quite badly. It is called invasion of privacy, and those emails, even if some were indeed love emails. I would be very hurt, because I would have had to decide if to dispose of those emails or not. If to put it somewhere else or delete them. Not you. Plus the trust... No matter how angry you were... You have no right on him. I also agree that the password stuff was a mistake in my opinion also. Don't think he should be coming back to you. You have to build his trust in you all over again. It's gonna be very hard, I tell you this. My advice: respect his choices, his privacy, even if you totally disagree. That what freindship ultimately is. Being ther for each other when the other person makes a wrong decision, bur supporting him anyway. Curly Link to post Share on other sites
She's Come Undone Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Originally posted by jmargel She's come undone, I think you are my twin by the way we think alike. Just the female version I know, when I saw your post the same time I hit submit to my own I was a little surprised. You didn't tell me you were psychic! Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 That's one of the many enduring qualities that I have Link to post Share on other sites
pattisbox Posted October 23, 2005 Share Posted October 23, 2005 first, i would have deleted them..handed them the copies and then left. second..i just found out my guy calls me the same pet name he used to call his ex wife (of 17 years) guess he isnt over her. he recycled my pet name. how tacky Link to post Share on other sites
glittergurl Posted October 23, 2005 Share Posted October 23, 2005 Hahah That sounds exactly like something I would have done, except I would have read them all first and memorized the best parts so I could throw it at his face whenever he pisses me off. But seriously, him keeping hundreds of emails and now acting all hurt and retarded about it is pretty suspicious. Are you sure he's over her? He sounds like a bit of an a**h*** to me. Link to post Share on other sites
dnm1010 Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 well it takes some time to get over things, you probably startled him. i think you need to talk about it and try to tell him why you did it and that you were overwhelmed with jelously and emotions, or whatever you felt. not everyone acts reasonable at all times, you gotta try to control yourself but there is nothing you can do right now about deleting the emails. tell him if he really wants he can ask his ex for those emails resent lol, cos she prolly has them in her sent box. the thing is, how did he know they were missing, does he check them regularly? i dont agree with being in touch with ones ex anyway, but anyway sometimes it takes a while to be ok with throwing sentimental things away. you will have to build trust again, but dont worry you will. i mean as long as you dont go deleting his email again i dont see a problem. remember, he loved you just the way you are, then you deleted his email and upset him, so if you just act normal and try to understand him and be loving to him, he should feel better and get over it. and if it upsets you that hes distant, tell this to him. be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
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