childhood abuse affecting my love relationships

[LadyBish]

I was physically abused by my father from the time when I was just tiny but it started off as spanking and belt, then as i got a bit older it turned into punching and kicking and having things thrown at me or being whipped with a telephone on its cord and being slammed into walls or my hair pulled etc with lots of verbal abuse to balance things out. My brother was a drug user and violent as well. I managed to leave home at 18. I am usually a vibrant, happy girl with lots of friends and fun projects going on but I suffer from depressive episodes that can last short or long periods.

 

The reason I am writing is because after a decade of moving out and having bad boyfriends and being dependant and treated like garbage by many, I finally met a nice man and I was able to recognize that he was good, and I wasn't needy with him because I was comfortable with the fact that he really seemed to like me and care for me. He's a doctor and once the topic of abuse came up in conversation unrelated, I started to get so paranoid that he would find out about my past which I am so ashamed about and that he would never want to be with me because he deals with victims/survivors daily (who have similar trust and intimacy issues as myself) and I just knew he would leave me if he found out I was damaged. BUT I REALLY WANTED TO BE HONEST AND TELL HIM because i figured he would find out someday.

 

I noticed him pulling away after things getting heavier between us so I gave him space for a few weeks which is a reasonable reaction but his distance triggered me too much and I ended it. All of this paranoia built up and I ended up getting so anxious and making crazy demands he couldnt meet (half beyond his control) so I told him to leave.

 

I havent talked to him in a month and a half now and he thinks I am just crazy and emotional for no reason so he wouldnt come back even after i apologized and tried to talk to him...not that it would change his mind but I feel if he knew about my past he might be more understanding and less shocked than he was about my declarations. Is there any point on telling him what i wanted to the whole time or should I just forget it and move on?

[todreaminblue]

i have no tried and true answer for your situation, love si a risk with every past, people who don't struggle with pasts struggle in relationships also, and people who have suffered abuse can have happy relationships...i have a theory that relationships hit speed bumps no matter what you have been through or who you have dated for that matter....i am going to say this for you, tell him.

\

tell him so he knows you have reasons(not excuses just reasons) for why you might have behaved the way you did.....it doesn't matter if he accepts it or not, what matters is that you have peace in knowing he understands and has some insight to erratic behaviour you may have exhibited,

 

 

 

 

 

I dont go into great detail about abuse i have had in the past, guys tend to have a habit of getting upset......which in turn upsets me because the abuse i have gone through gets to hit twice....and thats not fair......i get it out of the way fairly early in a relationship normally before things get physical in any way...thats another reason i tend to only go out with guys who i have known for a while and they understand me and my differences....so i hand scissors with my strings...but, i understand your fear,its hard to tell of abuse, its even harder to trust someone to tell it too, you know this guy, what is your gut instinct , what do you feel he will react like?...do you have any instances or behaviors he exhibits to know how he handles situations that are difficult to work through....one thing i dotn do is involve myself in relationships easily and my relationships in the past were long and rare.....not that they should have been long .....i was a fighter...and i tried too hard that was me though....i forgave a lot...........deb

Edited February 14, 2013 by todreaminblue

[LadyBish]

Thank you so so very much for your response and your sharing. I have never talked to anyone else who has been through similar experiences (save for my sister but it's very rare and too hard on both of us). You seem to know how i feel!!

 

IThe worst part is he said to me "your emotional reaction turned me off of you romantically" because he "deals with that at work all the time" but he must think I'm just a spoiled girl who demands respect for no reason.

 

Our whole thing only lasted a handful of months, and he lives thousands of miles away for at least another while. We've known each other for years but we only started a real friendship at the same time as the romance. So it was only visits here and there where we were actually together, which is why I was able to trust him….. the distance…it kept things moving at a slow pace. We're from the same town, many many mutual friends - it felt comfortable. . He was always in contact with me even when he was at work and the fact that after I would leave from visiting him he would still want to see me again!! blew my mind!

 

So when it ended, we were still getting to know each other. I know he had insecurities about me before he asked me out, worried that he wasn't the kind of guy I would go for. He liked me so so much that when the tables turned, I was so shocked.

 

Essentially, I fear he will react coldly and clinically like how he reacted after my little "fit" or whatever, as if he were talking to a patient - yeah what I feared initially the most. That I was suddenly a "damaged victim" instead of the fun girl. But right now I think I am nothing to him, as he's likely moved on.

 

also "scissors with my strings" - i love that.

[BetheButterfly]

I was physically abused by my father from the time when I was just tiny but it started off as spanking and belt, then as i got a bit older it turned into punching and kicking and having things thrown at me or being whipped with a telephone on its cord and being slammed into walls or my hair pulled etc with lots of verbal abuse to balance things out. My brother was a drug user and violent as well. I managed to leave home at 18.

 

 

I am usually a vibrant, happy girl with lots of friends and fun projects going on but I suffer from depressive episodes that can last short or long periods.

Depression is very painful.

 

The reason I am writing is because after a decade of moving out and having bad boyfriends and being dependant and treated like garbage by many, I finally met a nice man and I was able to recognize that he was good, and I wasn't needy with him because I was comfortable with the fact that he really seemed to like me and care for me. He's a doctor and once the topic of abuse came up in conversation unrelated, I started to get so paranoid that he would find out about my past which I am so ashamed about and that he would never want to be with me because he deals with victims/survivors daily (who have similar trust and intimacy issues as myself) and I just knew he would leave me if he found out I was damaged. BUT I REALLY WANTED TO BE HONEST AND TELL HIM because i figured he would find out someday.

 

I noticed him pulling away after things getting heavier between us so I gave him space for a few weeks which is a reasonable reaction but his distance triggered me too much and I ended it. All of this paranoia built up and I ended up getting so anxious and making crazy demands he couldnt meet (half beyond his control) so I told him to leave.

 

I havent talked to him in a month and a half now and he thinks I am just crazy and emotional for no reason so he wouldnt come back even after i apologized and tried to talk to him...not that it would change his mind but I feel if he knew about my past he might be more understanding and less shocked than he was about my declarations. Is there any point on telling him what i wanted to the whole time or should I just forget it and move on?

I think it would be good to simply tell him that you were physically abused as a child and that you struggle with being afraid of loving someone. Hopefully he will understand. If he does not, then please do not take that personally. (I know it's hard not to take rejection personally, but it's important to not hold on to the sadness that comes with it, but rather let it go. If you want to, you can use a balloon as a way to physically symbolize letting go, by letting the balloon rise to the sky, carried by a breeze.)

 

So, it might be that telling him in a calm way would give you closure, or it could open the door (depending on his reaction), to him understanding you and building a relationship with him based on honesty and openness and trust.

 

Personally, I believe honesty is the best policy and helps build a foundation that is secure. If the man is worthy, he will understand the pain you have suffered and will strive to help you in your healing journey. I very much hope this man is worthy. If he doesn't want a relationship with you, just let him go and let go any bitterness and rejection and sadness too.

 

Regardless of his reaction, focus on the beautiful things in life: on rainbows and beautiful sunsets/sunrises and flowers and lakes... For me, I love to hear the songs of the birds outside... that helps me whenever i feel sad, to concentrate on the beauty around me.

 

Healing takes time. I personally have not been abused, but I have friends who were abused, and I know that it's important for them to be surrounded with love and that healing does not happen overnight.

 

Counseling can help, if the counselor is a good counselor. Also, support groups with people who have experienced pain similar to what you have experienced can help too.

 

Blessings and I very much hope that the pain of your past heals and that you and a wonderful man will someday enjoy true love, where openness and honesty help with precious communication.

Edited February 14, 2013 by BetheButterfly

[todreaminblue]

Thank you so so very much for your response and your sharing. I have never talked to anyone else who has been through similar experiences (save for my sister but it's very rare and too hard on both of us). You seem to know how i feel!!

 

IThe worst part is he said to me "your emotional reaction turned me off of you romantically" because he "deals with that at work all the time" but he must think I'm just a spoiled girl who demands respect for no reason.

 

Our whole thing only lasted a handful of months, and he lives thousands of miles away for at least another while. We've known each other for years but we only started a real friendship at the same time as the romance. So it was only visits here and there where we were actually together, which is why I was able to trust him….. the distance…it kept things moving at a slow pace. We're from the same town, many many mutual friends - it felt comfortable. . He was always in contact with me even when he was at work and the fact that after I would leave from visiting him he would still want to see me again!! blew my mind!

 

So when it ended, we were still getting to know each other. I know he had insecurities about me before he asked me out, worried that he wasn't the kind of guy I would go for. He liked me so so much that when the tables turned, I was so shocked.

 

Essentially, I fear he will react coldly and clinically like how he reacted after my little "fit" or whatever, as if he were talking to a patient - yeah what I feared initially the most. That I was suddenly a "damaged victim" instead of the fun girl. But right now I think I am nothing to him, as he's likely moved on.

 

also "scissors with my strings" - i love that.

 

 

I can understand why the guy felt confused if you exhibited behaviors that might have appeared neurotic, there are a lot of people out there believe it or not who have suffered nothing but behave badly......with depression comes a fair amount of baggage, sadness, anger, feelings of worthlessness, feeling ugly(which i often do even though i know i am not ugly), doctors have told me i am schizo affective with clinical depression......my theory is this....doctors know crap about me, i think my personality has fragmented in times of trauma i have been through, fractured, i cant explain the voices though........smilin.......i try not to dwell on how messed up i am .......I believe fro em to have gotten through the things i have god helps by taking away and protecting the sunny side of me.hence the fragments of what i have been through are not all encompassing......lol.......no i am not smoking weed..i do love god though...i stay right away from drugs and alcohol.....imagine the mess i would get myself into .....

 

 

I think you should really really tell him, it is a shock when a nice guy likes you, you feel unworthy and damaged, nice guys should have diamonds not sandstone, thats the way i feel , as i said i have only really gone out with friends and i am extremely sure that i want to be in a relationship with that person i only ever do long term, when i tell my past....if the guy backs away(which actually hasnt happened) as i said i already have the scissors in my hand , their escape clause.I think it will explain a lot to guy friend if you tell him, that your guy got turned off by neurotic behavior, if there was no apparent reason for it, it makes sense that he would....lots of real nuts out there you know, worse than us, i have stayed in psyche wards, lot worse than me, scared the crap out of me actually.......so if he works with these people, i am sure you can understand his reluctance....thats why its a definite tell him.....if he walks away from you , i second bethebutterfly's post saying i really hope he doesnt, but if he does, it is, as it shall be.......and maybe its for the best because you can find someone who cares about you go into it clean with your past on the table minus the graphics,and i wish nothing but the best for you

 

 

 

try to think of it this way.....some guys arent as strong as us, even though they are men, they cant deal with our pasts, like we have had to.......it isnt because they are weak, they just arent strong enough..somewhere out among the millions, there's a guy in training by god with the help of a really cool determined holy spirit,in boot camp at the moment training someone special, to be strong enough for you.....he will pass with flying colors......it may be your guy friend but then it may not....hugs to ya...huge fat ones boot camp style...from me to you...................deb

Edited February 14, 2013 by todreaminblue

[LadyBish]

First off, to you two I really want to thank you again for your insight. I am so amazed at your understanding....it seemed like something I had to endure alone for all these years.

 

I had been struggling to try to move on by creating my own closure, you know - the usual getting over the end of a romance stuff. But something really seemed off...and I know that if I don't tell him now then eventually time will continue to pass and it will be too late and in bad form to bring it up! At this point I really doubt he will want to ever see me romantically again, once a guy backs off I'm pretty sure that's where they stay. But just knowing that he can see I have a viable reason for acting this way, yes, you are right, will help immensely! I thinK!!!!!

 

I started seeing a psychiatrist at a highly reputable university (fingers crossed she can help!) and i had my second session today. We haven,t touched too much on the topic of this break up other than the fact that it was the "straw that broke the camels back" so to say. So far she is hearing my early story and the current struggles. just knowing that I am taking these steps to healing is putting my mind at a bit of ease. I hope to be lifted out of this. I've been bedridden sick for a week but before that I had been going to the gym daily and getting through the couple of shifts I can manage to work per week. I lose jobs a lot. I also managed to curb my alcoholic tendencies the last few weeks in order to not send myself over the edge.

 

Like you, todreaminblue, I have been in the psych ward but I was a teenager at the time and I was getting in trouble with the law a lot and had a million very self-destructive behaviours...I don't know if I got much from it.

 

I have written a letter that i will sit on for a bit longer. In fact it's been written for a while, but edited now.

 

I am so genuinely moved by your kind words and input that i can hardly comment on them at the moment since I am crying so hard....these are odd tears of relief just from finding strangers on the internet who have such kind compassionate souls. Your last paragraph about the right man.....I hope you are right and I have faith in it as well!!

 

It is very nice to hear that you are strong enough to let your potential mates know about your abuse before getting in too deep....it must take you SO MUCH courage to do what is right for you......you are full of love and strength and the world needs more people like you.

 

If anyone would want to read the letter and make suggestions you can pm me.

 

xo

[CC12]

Is there any point on telling him what i wanted to the whole time or should I just forget it and move on?

 

Just work on yourself for now.

 

The best time to discuss it was when you were together and learning about each other. I don't think you should tell him anything at this point. I know it seems like it might be a good idea to tell him, but think it through. What kind of reaction do you think you might get? Are you hoping that this will reunite the two of you? How might he feel about you telling him this after you broke up with him? Getting this out there would help you and make you feel better. Would it help him or make him feel better?

 

The issues that led to the relationship not working out are still present. You kind of weren't very fair to him by making unreasonable demands and then breaking up with him over it. So he was probably hurt or angry. Think about someone hurting you and then weeks later contacting you to say, "Oh, btw, I hurt you because of these issues I had and continue to have, but I'm working on it." Would you be eager to accept that apology/explanation? I don't think I would be. It would maybe explain some things, but mostly I'd just be like, "What am I supposed to do with this information?"

 

Anyway, it's really great that you're seeing a psychiatrist. You seem to feel like your abuse was somehow your fault, and that it's something you should be ashamed about and hide from people. That's just so tragic. It wasn't your fault, you didn't deserve it, it doesn't make you a bad person, you're not damaged goods, and it's not something that would send most people running. I hope you can get to a place where you won't feel like you have to keep this a big dark secret from people you care about, and who care about you. Your guilt and shame are things you should bring up with your psych next time you see him/her. Nobody should have to live with that shame over something they didn't do.

 

Feel better soon.

[CC12]

If anyone would want to read the letter and make suggestions you can pm me.

 

Oh, and also, I'm pretty sure you don't have PM capabilities yet (you have to have a certain number of posts, or something) so don't be bummed when you don't get any PMs about the letter.

[LadyBish]

Just work on yourself for now.

 

I know it seems like it might be a good idea to tell him, but think it through. What kind of reaction do you think you might get? Are you hoping that this will reunite the two of you? How might he feel about you telling him this after you broke up with him? Getting this out there would help you and make you feel better. Would it help him or make him feel better?

 

Well, I of course hope that it will at least open up the lines of communication again. The thing is I didnt really break up with him per se, i asked him to leave. It was forced in the sense that I wasnt being treated the way a guy should be treating a lady he is dating. and didnt seem as genuine in his affections. Something was off....I called him on it. What happened was a moment of strength, then I tried to call him the next day and he wouldnt see me for a couple days then came to say goodbye. The long distance thing (thousands of miles) - he didnt want to make a commitment to me. that was sort of the crazy demand....we hardly knew each other. I feared putting anymore of my heart into it if it wasn,t going to go anywhere. So he ended it, not me.

 

The issues that led to the relationship not working out are still present. You kind of weren't very fair to him by making unreasonable demands and then breaking up with him over it. So he was probably hurt or angry. Think about someone hurting you and then weeks later contacting you to say, "Oh, btw, I hurt you because of these issues I had and continue to have, but I'm working on it." Would you be eager to accept that apology/explanation? I don't think I would be. It would maybe explain some things, but mostly I'd just be like, "What am I supposed to do with this information?"

 

 

He didnt seem hurt at all. if anything his reaction was very cold, which who knows.... I think if anything I hurt his ego. most women bend over backwards for him. I wouldn't. I have accepted that things can't work for now, but he kept alluding to a possibly different outcome in the future. It was a "right now" thing.

 

I think I hope that if the feelings he once had for me were actually real, then it would explain a lot of my trepidation and nervousness to start the affair in general. Why I would sometimes react coldly to certain things. I don't know...maybe some compassion. Understanding. It was me who asked him to not speak with me until I felt ready. It's been a month and a half and he's respecting that. He said he wanted to be friends....he was very adamant about that. and he does come to my city a few times a year so I will see him through mutual friends again.

 

Anyway, it's really great that you're seeing a psychiatrist. You seem to feel like your abuse was somehow your fault, and that it's something you should be ashamed about and hide from people. That's just so tragic. It wasn't your fault, you didn't deserve it, it doesn't make you a bad person, you're not damaged goods, and it's not something that would send most people running. I hope you can get to a place where you won't feel like you have to keep this a big dark secret from people you care about, and who care about you. Your guilt and shame are things you should bring up with your psych next time you see him/her. Nobody should have to live with that shame over something they didn't do.

 

Feel better soon.

 

 

Wow, I thought the shame was par for the course.

 

I think mainly with him I was scared he would see me as a "crazy patient" with issues....that,s shameful. He would tell me all about these bi polar women with dad's that beat them.

 

MAinly, I want to know that I DID EVERYTHING I COULD to try to make things right before I forget all about him and move on 100%

 

I appreciate your thoughts!

Edited February 15, 2013 by LadyBish

[summerdowling87]

My father was like yours he was and still is a drunk and drug addict when I was a child and still is today I'm 25. He would beat my mother and my brothers.

 

And I to feel like I can't really love my BF of 4yrs or trust myself with him.

 

How ever you really need to forgive your father not for his sake but for your own trust me you will feel 100x better.

 

You also need to talk about what you went through with someone you trust.

 

Forgiving isn't easy but if you hold it in it can destroy you my brother has never forgiving our dad and today he's a mess. I'm working with him though.

 

I hope you'll get the peace you need.

Edited March 27, 2013 by summerdowling87

[Video]

I can tell you that if it were me i would feel a million times better about coming back if you told me all of that. I would forgive you and try to work things out.

[Grumpybutfun]

Child abuse is so insidious because situations can trigger you even if you think you are in a good space or safe. There is risk in all relationships, but for those of us who have been abused, the tools and mental componenets you should have to deal with these feelings aren't there. You had no one to teach them to you because you learned things from someone who is unhealthy. That unhealthiness is what attatches to your growth and so you spend years trying to figure out how to get it right. I still struggle with it after many years and am even considering going back to therapy because of some rough patches lately. Child abuse isn't something that just goes away, and it can't be ignored because of shame or it will rear its ugly head as you saw.

Only you can know if you feel comfortable sharing these details, though it sounds as though you felt something was off...instincts are usually right so don't think just because you called him on something and you were abused that it was wrong somehow. It may do some good to get a therapy appointment with your Psychiatrist just to talk out how you were triggered by the experience. If someone doesn't have compassion for the person they are seeing romantically because of their work, there is another problem there and it isn't with you at all.

Grumps

Edited March 28, 2013 by Grumpybutfun